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Winner Winner Turkey Dinner

‘Winner Winner Turkey Dinner’

Season 9, Episode 7 -  Aired November 15, 2017

At Thanksgiving, Jay toasts everyone on their recent successes, but it turns out none of the family's recent achievements are quite what they seem. Meanwhile, Phil feels like the only failure in the family as he struggles to master a notoriously difficult magic act.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] There- There is a backstory. In the summer of 1984, inspired by "The Karate Kid," I went through a martial arts phase. When Cam brought those nunchucks home, it was just too much to resist. 30 years later, once again, it was time to sweep the leg.


Quote from Jay

Principal: You said some pretty harsh things to Mrs. Barrish.
Jay: In my defense, um, this banquet she's planning is not historically accurate. For example, I don't remember a tandoori chicken option at the first Thanksgiving.
Principal: We have children here from many ethnicities, and we try to make them all feel included.
Jay: Be that as it may, history does not record Pocahontas asking John Smith to pass the sashimi roll while Myles Standish helps himself to gluten-free huevos rancheros!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: After that, it got heated, and we got expelled.
Joe: "We"?
Jay: But they'll call. They need my check.

Quote from Phil

Phil: If I can't do this trick, my magic shop is gonna be the laughingstock of the mini-mall. And there's still a Blockbuster there.

Quote from Joe

Joe: There was once a land of godless natives. They did not know any better until, one day, the white man arrived.
Gloria: What is this?
Joe: The white man took pity on these primitives by teaching them to cultivate the land. But their kindness was mistaken for aggression, and a war began. [makes throat slitting jesture]
Claire: What kind of school is this?
Cameron: This is what I was taught.
Claire: What?
Joe: Eventually, peace was restored, and we bestowed them with our nation's highest honor naming football teams for them.
Gloria: Joe, what play is this?
Joe: I wasn't in a play! I don't go to school anymore!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Obviously, this was meant to be a group hug, and my invitation got lost in the mail.
Gloria: Phil that crazy phone booth that you ordered for your magic trick It's already at my house.
Phil: It's here two days early?! I can shoot my how-to video today! Haley! Showtime!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: It goes without saying that the greatest trick to come out of World War II is the Normandy Phone Booth. Over the years, its reputation has ebbed and flowed. It was famously booed at the 1969 Narragansett Magic Festival. Of course, this is a time when most people are into protest magic. So naturally, they would thumb their nose at a classic trick where a heroic soldier dashes into a phone booth to make a world-saving call while it slowly fills with water! Come on, hippies! God!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Confiscating contraband is part of my new job at school. I was recently promoted to [chuckles] acting vice principal. Which has nothing to do with acting. That was made very clear to me.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: You seem a little nervous. Are you- Are you worried about the big game?
Cameron: Yeah. I'm a little nervous. The Rattlesnakes have beat us the last six years, and we cannot lose.
Mitchell: Is any of this because their coach is a woman? I mean, shouldn't we be rooting for her, because-
Cameron: Oh, what, because she's another straight person coaching football?
Lily: Well, good luck.
Cameron: Thank you, sweetie. You know, I can't promise that I'll make you as proud as your daddy who fought off a burglar, but I will try. You know, there's murmurs that the booster club is gonna divert some of our money to the science program because that's what made the Kennedys cool, you know, playing science on the lawn.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Everybody's heard of the H. Bronfman Clothiers Black Friday sale where the hoi polloi fight over tuxedos like animals. But on Thanksgiving Day, a select few are invited to get first crack. If I get everything I want, that tux will be 80% off in Tammy Bosworth's dorm room.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] I had to update my profile pic on this new social-media app called Inseam. It's super cool. No one knows about it. Some old guys were using it for home tailoring, but then two Brooklyn DJs started sharing a couple of videos on it, and it blew up.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] As a young man, I had no fear of any trick where I was jammed into tight spaces Fox in a Box, The Wrong Shepherd, Einstein's Birdbath. Lately, though, I have had a touch of claustrophobia, which is usually cleared up by a quick call to my super-supportive wife.

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