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36Quotes from ‘Winner Winner Turkey Dinner’

Modern Family: Winner Winner Turkey Dinner

907. Winner Winner Turkey Dinner

Aired November 15, 2017

At Thanksgiving, Jay toasts everyone on their recent successes, but it turns out none of the family's recent achievements are quite what they seem. Meanwhile, Phil feels like the only failure in the family as he struggles to master a notoriously difficult magic act.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Obviously, this was meant to be a group hug, and my invitation got lost in the mail.
Gloria: Phil that crazy phone booth that you ordered for your magic trick It's already at my house.
Phil: It's here two days early?! I can shoot my how-to video today! Haley! Showtime!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: It goes without saying that the greatest trick to come out of World War II is the Normandy Phone Booth. Over the years, its reputation has ebbed and flowed. It was famously booed at the 1969 Narragansett Magic Festival. Of course, this is a time when most people are into protest magic. So naturally, they would thumb their nose at a classic trick where a heroic soldier dashes into a phone booth to make a world-saving call while it slowly fills with water! Come on, hippies! God!

Quote from Phil

Phil: If I can't do this trick, my magic shop is gonna be the laughingstock of the mini-mall. And there's still a Blockbuster there.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] There- There is a backstory. In the summer of 1984, inspired by "The Karate Kid," I went through a martial arts phase. When Cam brought those nunchucks home, it was just too much to resist. 30 years later, once again, it was time to sweep the leg.

Quote from Jay

Principal: You said some pretty harsh things to Mrs. Barrish.
Jay: In my defense, um, this banquet she's planning is not historically accurate. For example, I don't remember a tandoori chicken option at the first Thanksgiving.
Principal: We have children here from many ethnicities, and we try to make them all feel included.
Jay: Be that as it may, history does not record Pocahontas asking John Smith to pass the sashimi roll while Myles Standish helps himself to gluten-free huevos rancheros!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: After that, it got heated, and we got expelled.
Joe: "We"?
Jay: But they'll call. They need my check.

Quote from Joe

Joe: There was once a land of godless natives. They did not know any better until, one day, the white man arrived.
Gloria: What is this?
Joe: The white man took pity on these primitives by teaching them to cultivate the land. But their kindness was mistaken for aggression, and a war began. [makes throat slitting jesture]
Claire: What kind of school is this?
Cameron: This is what I was taught.
Claire: What?
Joe: Eventually, peace was restored, and we bestowed them with our nation's highest honor naming football teams for them.
Gloria: Joe, what play is this?
Joe: I wasn't in a play! I don't go to school anymore!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Confiscating contraband is part of my new job at school. I was recently promoted to [chuckles] acting vice principal. Which has nothing to do with acting. That was made very clear to me.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: You seem a little nervous. Are you- Are you worried about the big game?
Cameron: Yeah. I'm a little nervous. The Rattlesnakes have beat us the last six years, and we cannot lose.
Mitchell: Is any of this because their coach is a woman? I mean, shouldn't we be rooting for her, because-
Cameron: Oh, what, because she's another straight person coaching football?
Lily: Well, good luck.
Cameron: Thank you, sweetie. You know, I can't promise that I'll make you as proud as your daddy who fought off a burglar, but I will try. You know, there's murmurs that the booster club is gonna divert some of our money to the science program because that's what made the Kennedys cool, you know, playing science on the lawn.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Everybody's heard of the H. Bronfman Clothiers Black Friday sale where the hoi polloi fight over tuxedos like animals. But on Thanksgiving Day, a select few are invited to get first crack. If I get everything I want, that tux will be 80% off in Tammy Bosworth's dorm room.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] I had to update my profile pic on this new social-media app called Inseam. It's super cool. No one knows about it. Some old guys were using it for home tailoring, but then two Brooklyn DJs started sharing a couple of videos on it, and it blew up.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] As a young man, I had no fear of any trick where I was jammed into tight spaces Fox in a Box, The Wrong Shepherd, Einstein's Birdbath. Lately, though, I have had a touch of claustrophobia, which is usually cleared up by a quick call to my super-supportive wife.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Why didn't you just tell me?
Mitchell: I don't know. You- You walked in, and you asked if there was a break-in, and I-I was embarrassed and possibly concussed, so I just- I went with it. Besides, my dad and Claire cannot know, okay? That whole "Karate Kid" summer, they called me "Kung Sue."

Quote from Phil

Jay: Holy crap, where'd he go?!
Phil: Private Ranzetti reporting Operation Overlord is a success. Cocktails are on me.
Claire: That was amazing!
Jay: Gotta hand it to you, Phil. You get the big turkey leg. Let's take this party to the table!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Come on, hippies.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Does everyone have a glass? I'm just giving my Thanksgiving toast.
Claire: Oh, come on, Dad, isn't it weird that every year you single out one person who somehow made you extra proud this year? Makes the rest of us feel like...
Jay: It's you, Claire.
Claire: Yeah! I knew it!
Jay: And you, Phil, and you, Mitchell. Actually, it's all of you. I know I get a hard time for stirring up competition in the family, but look at the results. Phil scoring with his new magic shop. Cam winning the big game. Claire winning the race. And Mitchell scaring away that burglar.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: And you are a winner, too, Jay. He wanted to spend more time with Joe, so he's dropping him off and picking him up from school every day.
Claire: Dad, what is wrong with her?
Jay: I challenged her to get to 100,000 steps in a week.
Claire: That's easy.
Mitchell: That's so easy.
Gloria: Without shopping.
Mitchell: Oh. I get- I get the challenge.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Oh, you knew I was nervous about the big game, so you set out my- [Lily slaps away Cameron's hand] Okay.
Lily: Sprinkles are for heroes. [to Mitchell] Here, Daddy. Thank you for protecting us.

Quote from Lily

Lily: If the robber comes back when Brave Daddy isn't here, we can use these. [swings nunchuks]
Cameron: Okay, no, no, no, no. I had to confiscate those at school. They're very dangerous, and, plus, you should avoid the cliché.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Ow! The first person who figures out how to stick these numbers right on is gonna be rich.
Alex: You could just pin it to your shirt before you put it on.
Claire: Have you shared this idea with anyone else?

Quote from Alex

[aside to camera:]
Claire: When Alex was a baby, I used to throw her in a jogging stroller, and she was my running buddy. This week, when she found out I was doing a 10K, she insisted on coming.
[separately to camera:]
Alex: Snore. I'm using my mom as a subject for my stupid psych paper because I started too late to sign out a monkey. It's about positive versus negative reinforcement. First half of the race "You can do it, Mom!" Second half "It's not your day, lady!" Thankfully, after it's done, I'll still be able to give out the banana I bought.

Quote from Manny

Luke: [answering phone] What's up?
Manny: Dude, I was just about to leave, and I saw your new pic popped up on Inseam.
Luke: You're on Inseam?
Manny: Yes, I've been on it for a week. Okay, look at your picture. Joe is in a tree behind you.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [answering phone] Hello?
Gloria: What's going on with Joe?
Luke: You're on Inseam?
Gloria: Of course I'm on Inseam. Is my son hanging from a tree?
Luke: Oh, that's great! You fell for it. I'm, uh... I'm getting pretty good at Photoshop.
Gloria: That's a fake picture?
Luke: Yeah, I got a bunch of Joe doing dangerous stuff.
Gloria: You're gonna have to show me this later, okay?
Luke: Will do.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] My vice principal walkie-talkie accidentally picked up that Upper Valley coach calling her dumb lady play. Now, was I gonna change my defense? Only some spineless win-at-all-costs glory hound would choose winning over showing some moral fiber.
[flashback:]
Announcer: Dolphins win! Dolphins win!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell! I'm a fraud.
Mitchell: Well, then stop telling that barista that you understudied Javert on Broadway. He knows your name. He can look it up.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: No, I overheard the lady coach call her play on my walkie-talkie, and I changed my defense to win the game. And now I'm having anxiety, and I have to confess.
Mitchell: No, you you are not gonna confess. You're gonna smush that anxiety into a little ball, and you're gonna push it into that little, tiny hole in your soul where childhood traumas go. Everybody here is a winner. If you end up being the one loser at the table, I'm gonna get nothing but condescending pity from everybody. Especially Claire, that insufferable phony. [waves to Claire]

Quote from Luke

Luke: Oh, those pictures. [cellphone buzzes] Here we are.
Gloria: Joe poking a bees' nest. Oh, and Joe killing Lee Harvey Oswald. So cute. Jay, Luke is a genius.

Quote from Manny

Luke: Thanks, buddy. You can go do your fancy shopping now.
Manny: Awesome. To make up for the time I lost, I'm gonna baby oil my heels so I can try on shoes faster.

Quote from Phil

Haley: And action.
Phil: Hello, and congratulations on your purchase of the Normandy Phone Booth. The following will demonstrate just how much fun you've dialed up. [breathes deeply] Here we are on D-Day. Where's the damned air support? Oh, good. A p- phone booth. I hear the Nazis have booby-trapped these, but I will I definitely will take the risk of calling Allied Command. Hello, General. Yes, the enemy is all around us. Blast! [breathing rapidaly] This is [gasping]] one of the phone booths that's booby-trapped.
Haley: Oh, no!
Phil: [whimpers] Yes, General, the enemy is closing in! There's no esca- Haley! Get me out of here!
Haley: Who's Haley? I'm Nurse Rutherford.
Phil: [screams]

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] From that point on, I was no longer on the actual race course. I guess I hit a point where I funneled back onto the course. I did notice that I seemed to have more energy than the few people in front of me, but I didn't I didn't think much of it.
[flashback:]
Claire: I did it! I won! I won! Did you see that, honey? I won!
Alex: Uh, no, you didn't. I was standing at the 5K mark and never saw you.
Claire: What?

Quote from Claire

Alex: There's not gonna be any footage of you running past Pritchett's Closets because you cut two miles out of a six-mile race. Better tell Grandpa you didn't win.
Claire: Oh, you are my moral compass. Which is why I don't want to talk to you for the rest of the day. Luke! I need a favor, no questions asked. Luke! I need a favor, no questions asked.
Luke: What do you need? Phone cards?
Claire: No. I need you to Photoshop a picture of me from today running in front of Pritchett's Closets.
Luke: No problem.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I want to grab a picture of you and Claire. I want to post it on my Inseam account.
Mitchell: Oh, what's Inseam?
Jay: I use it for home tailoring.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: How close did you get to this "intruder"?
Cameron: Okay, Claire. That is just about enough. Mitchell suffered a trauma, and I don't appreciate your mocking tone. Excuse us.
Mitchell: Okay? Thank you, sweetie.
Cameron: Okay, look, we both know two things for certain I look fabulous in coral, and you didn't fight off any intruder.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, I saw on Inseam that there was a Thanksgiving pageant at Joe's school. Why didn't you tell me?
Jay: I totally forgot.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Joe hasn't been in school for a week. I had a falling-out with his teacher.
Joe: And got sent to the principal's office.

Quote from Gloria

Alex: Hey, Gloria, this is weird. You know, I downloaded your My StepCounter data onto my computer, and it's showing your path this morning was the same route my mom took in her race.
Claire: Hmm?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I was never going to get 100,000 steps. But then I learned that Claire was going on a Turkey Trot. The second time I hugged her, it was a little harder because she was really wet.
[back:]
Claire: So I'm basically just your StepCounter mule? I thought you cared about my race.
Gloria: I love you very much, Claire, but your exercise doesn't really interest me.

Quote from Luke

Claire: I have a picture of it. Luke? And there you go. That is me clearly running in front of Pritchett's Closets.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, yeah. With a Reagan/Bush poster in the window, huh? The photo is a fake.
Luke: It's not my fault. Manny made it.
Gloria: Manny was Photoshopping everything? So Joe was in real danger?
Luke: I did not realize how easy it would be for you to connect those dots.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Do you have a Chinese character on your bruise?
Mitchell: Yeah, it's probably an imprint from the intruder's ring. He was- I'm sure he was in a gang of some sort.
Cameron: Just give it up, Mitchell. He knocked himself out with some nunchucks that I confiscated as acting vice principal.
Claire: Oh, my God! Kung Sue is back. Daddy, did you hear that?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, I'm just gonna try to barrel through this. It's Normandy. I'm an American G.I. named Tony Ranzetti. I'm from Brooklyn, and I love my mama's home cooking! But I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out!
Gloria: Is he talking as Tony Ranzetti or as Phil?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, it's late. Cam, I have work early in the morning. Cameron! I cannot sleep!
Cameron: Well, you should have thought about that before you challenged me that I couldn't do 100,000 steps in a day.
Mitchell: Well, how close are you?
Cameron: 125.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. [turns light off, then back on] Wait. 125 left?
Cameron: Nope.


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