Previous Episode Next Episode 
Red Alert

‘Red Alert’

Season 10, Episode 16 -  Aired February 27, 2019

Mitchell and Cameron need help when Lily locks herself in the bathroom after reaching a womanly milestone. Haley is worried that she won't make a good mother, while Phil has been struggling to sleep with worry. Meanwhile, Claire gets offered a job at another company.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Look, everyone's taking this whole thing way too seriously. When my daughter has her first Shark Week, we're just gonna laugh about it. That's what girls want. I mean, it is bananas what happens down there every month. Only good thing is, it reminds me to pay my bills. Oh, that's why my credit card keeps getting denied.


Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, bitch.
Lily: [o.s.] Haley's here?!
Haley: That's right. And cheer up. You're missing the whole silver lining in all of this. A period is a Get Out Of Jail Free card for everything. Didn't study for a test? "Oh, wah. I have cramps." Don't want to go to gym class? "Sorry... lady problems." Wanna eat a whole sheet cake? Shut down a bad date? Smuggle some weed into a concert in your tampon box? Ain't nobody looking in there.
Lily: What is wrong with you?!

Quote from Lily

Manny: Lily? Step-Uncle Manny's here. Cherish this. You've been given the ability to create life. Each cramp, each migraine should remind you...
Lily: [o.s.] Get the [bleep] out of here, Manny!
Manny: Take care, everybody.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What is going on with her? She's been so moody recently, screaming one minute, crying the next.
Cameron: You know what? I think I know what this might be.
Mitchell: Oh?
Cameron: She had a volcano due in science class today, and when I was her age and had a big project, I'd get stressed out and act just like this. You know, I still have nightmares about my War of Northern Aggression diorama.
Mitchell: Okay. What did we say when we got married? Never go to bed angry and you have to call it the Civil War.

Quote from Phil

Luke: You look like you haven't slept at all.
Phil: Maybe an hour or two a night. I've tried everything: warm shower before bed, meditation, reading my operating system's user agreement.
Luke: Did you try asking Alex about the struggles that are unique to women in science?
Phil: Late last night. I think she's still going.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, Lily, honey, come on. Come out, all right? We can help you fix your volcano, and... and you'll still make it to school. Worst comes to worst, you'll be a little late for your first period.
Cameron: [whispering] Actually, she's a little early.
Mitchell: Hm?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: So...
Cameron: Lily is a menstruator now.
Mitchell: That's not what you call it.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, you see if you can track down Claire. I will go to the pharmacy and try and conquer my fear of the feminine care aisle. [groans] Poor Lily.
Cameron: You know, it could be worse. If she were a sheep, she'd be dealing with this 17 every days.
Mitchell: Promise you won't say that while I'm gone.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: All right, let's try the swaddle again.
Dylan: Our blankets are folded into triangles, we do a left tuck, a toe tuck, a right tuck, and voilà, baby burrito.
Haley: Ugh! How did you do yours?!
Dylan: I guess that summer working at Burrito Basement was worth the E.coli.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Oh, good. You're sitting down. We have a problem. I went on the company website, and somebody left off the brushed brass upgrade on the Executive Premiere.
Jay: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I eighty-sixed that.
Claire: I already signed off on it.
Jay: They probably just wanted to double-check with me. You know, I do have 32 years' experience. Closet Time Magazine once called me "The Neil Armstrong of the storage space race."

Quote from Jay

Claire: Uncle Ned's Cookies wants me to be their CEO.
Jay: What?! You're considering Uncle Ned's?! Are you on reefer?!
Claire: That company has tremendous growth potential.
Jay: It's snacks! This is closets! You're already at the show!
Claire: At least there, I can be the boss and not just the boss's daughter.
Jay: Is this the part where I apologize for handing you a company Closet Fancy once called "top shelf"?!

Page 2