Haley: Look, everyone's taking this whole thing way too seriously. When my daughter has her first Shark Week, we're just gonna laugh about it. That's what girls want. I mean, it is bananas what happens down there every month. Only good thing is, it reminds me to pay my bills. Oh, that's why my credit card keeps getting denied.

Haley: Hey, bitch.
Lily: [o.s.] Haley's here?!
Haley: That's right. And cheer up. You're missing the whole silver lining in all of this. A period is a Get Out Of Jail Free card for everything. Didn't study for a test? "Oh, wah. I have cramps." Don't want to go to gym class? "Sorry... lady problems." Wanna eat a whole sheet cake? Shut down a bad date? Smuggle some weed into a concert in your tampon box? Ain't nobody looking in there.
Lily: What is wrong with you?!

Manny: Lily? Step-Uncle Manny's here. Cherish this. You've been given the ability to create life. Each cramp, each migraine should remind you...
Lily: [o.s.] Get the [bleep] out of here, Manny!
Manny: Take care, everybody.

Mitchell: What is going on with her? She's been so moody recently, screaming one minute, crying the next.
Cameron: You know what? I think I know what this might be.
Mitchell: Oh?
Cameron: She had a volcano due in science class today, and when I was her age and had a big project, I'd get stressed out and act just like this. You know, I still have nightmares about my War of Northern Aggression diorama.
Mitchell: Okay. What did we say when we got married? Never go to bed angry and you have to call it the Civil War.

Luke: You look like you haven't slept at all.
Phil: Maybe an hour or two a night. I've tried everything: warm shower before bed, meditation, reading my operating system's user agreement.
Luke: Did you try asking Alex about the struggles that are unique to women in science?
Phil: Late last night. I think she's still going.

Mitchell: Okay, Lily, honey, come on. Come out, all right? We can help you fix your volcano, and... and you'll still make it to school. Worst comes to worst, you'll be a little late for your first period.
Cameron: [whispering] Actually, she's a little early.
Mitchell: Hm?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: So...
Cameron: Lily is a menstruator now.
Mitchell: That's not what you call it.

Mitchell: Okay, you see if you can track down Claire. I will go to the pharmacy and try and conquer my fear of the feminine care aisle. [groans] Poor Lily.
Cameron: You know, it could be worse. If she were a sheep, she'd be dealing with this 17 every days.
Mitchell: Promise you won't say that while I'm gone.

Haley: All right, let's try the swaddle again.
Dylan: Our blankets are folded into triangles, we do a left tuck, a toe tuck, a right tuck, and voilà, baby burrito.
Haley: Ugh! How did you do yours?!
Dylan: I guess that summer working at Burrito Basement was worth the E.coli.

Claire: Oh, good. You're sitting down. We have a problem. I went on the company website, and somebody left off the brushed brass upgrade on the Executive Premiere.
Jay: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I eighty-sixed that.
Claire: I already signed off on it.
Jay: They probably just wanted to double-check with me. You know, I do have 32 years' experience. Closet Time Magazine once called me "The Neil Armstrong of the storage space race."

Claire: Uncle Ned's Cookies wants me to be their CEO.
Jay: What?! You're considering Uncle Ned's?! Are you on reefer?!
Claire: That company has tremendous growth potential.
Jay: It's snacks! This is closets! You're already at the show!
Claire: At least there, I can be the boss and not just the boss's daughter.
Jay: Is this the part where I apologize for handing you a company Closet Fancy once called "top shelf"?!