Haley: It's so unfair! You told me I could go!
Claire: I told you you could go if you got a "B" on your history exam, which you didn't.
Haley: I have a learning disability. The letters jump around on the page and appear backwards.
Claire: Honey, we had you tested, like, six times. Trust me, I was praying for dyslexia.

Robbie: Yeah, well, I better get going. I've got an early morning run, celebrity client. Don't ask me who. Let's just say that if I'm late, I'll be in "jeopardy."
Alex: Who is Alex Trebek?
Robbie: Uh, he's a game show host. Why?
Alex: No reason.

Gloria: "Once upon a time, there lived a family of bears. There was Papa Bear"- That's you, Jay.
Jay: Ah, okay. Let's see. [squinting]
Gloria: Do you want me to hold it and stand in the driveway?
Jay: "Holy mackerel, this is good salmon." I feel like they missed an opportun-
Gloria: [deep voice] Shh. "I don't want to eat the fish. They are my friends."
Jay: What kind of voice is that?
Gloria: I am a bear.
Jay: A bear? I was gonna get a crucifix.

Haley: Oh, my God! Why can't you ever let me have any f- Ew, ew! Dad, gross. Your hand smells like cheese.
Phil: I didn't want to dirty a knife.

Phil: Sit. Now we all know when Nana Dede comes to visit your mom can get a little...
Haley: Psycho?
Luke: Scary.
Alex: Drunk?
Phil: All true. Therefore, I need you guys to be on your best behavior.

Phil: Luke, if your mom starts to lose it, I need you to lighten the mood by being extra cute.
Luke: No problem. I've got some stuff prepared. "Hey, Mom, I'm 'firsty'." Huh? Adorable, right?
Phil: Yeah, that's that's good.
Luke: Don't worry. It works better in my jammies.

Mitchell: Hey Cam, Monica can't come to Lily's birthday party this weekend. Her mom's gonna be in Chicago.
Cameron: Oh, that's fantastic! What part is she playing?
Mitchell: The city of Chicago.

Gloria: And we bought Lily a beautiful birthday gift.
Manny: Yeah, I was pushing for a cashmere throw.
Gloria: Look, Jay, it's a talking storybook. We'll record ourselves reading it and then at night Lily can hear our voices before she goes to sleep.
Jay: Terrible idea.
Manny: Unlike the timelessness of cashmere.
Gloria: Enough with the cashmere.

Gloria: Why is it a terrible idea?
Jay: Don't you remember the answering machine message?
[flashback:]
Jay: Hi, you've reached Jay-
Gloria: And Gloria. Please leave a message after the-
Jay: You didn't say "beep."
Gloria: If I say beep, then the people will think it's the beep.
Jay: No, I think they're gonna know to wait for the actual beep.
Gloria: I don't think they'll know.

Jay: Hi, you've reached Jay-
Gloria: And Gloria. Please leave a message after the "beeeeeep."
Jay: What was that?
Gloria: You told me to make the beep.
Jay: No, I didn't tell you to make the beep. I told you to say the word "beep."
Gloria: If I say the word, then people think it's the beep.
Jay: It's not the beep!
Gloria: Then why even say it?