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‘Princess Party’ Quotes

Modern Family: Princess Party

215. Princess Party

Aired February 16, 2011

When Dede comes to town for Lily's birthday, she is accompanied by Claire's old high school boyfriend. Mitchell won't let Cameron resurrect Fizbo the clown at the princess-themed birthday party. Gloria questions whether to attend the party with Dede there.

Quote from Claire

Haley: It's so unfair! You told me I could go!
Claire: I told you you could go if you got a "B" on your history exam, which you didn't.
Haley: I have a learning disability. The letters jump around on the page and appear backwards.
Claire: Honey, we had you tested, like, six times. Trust me, I was praying for dyslexia.

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Quote from Phil

Haley: Oh, my God! Why can't you ever let me have any f- Ew, ew! Dad, gross. Your hand smells like cheese.
Phil: I didn't want to dirty a knife.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Sit. Now we all know when Nana Dede comes to visit your mom can get a little...
Haley: Psycho?
Luke: Scary.
Alex: Drunk?
Phil: All true. Therefore, I need you guys to be on your best behavior.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Luke, if your mom starts to lose it, I need you to lighten the mood by being extra cute.
Luke: No problem. I've got some stuff prepared. "Hey, Mom, I'm 'firsty'." Huh? Adorable, right?
Phil: Yeah, that's that's good.
Luke: Don't worry. It works better in my jammies.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey Cam, Monica can't come to Lily's birthday party this weekend. Her mom's gonna be in Chicago.
Cameron: Oh, that's fantastic! What part is she playing?
Mitchell: The city of Chicago.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: And we bought Lily a beautiful birthday gift.
Manny: Yeah, I was pushing for a cashmere throw.
Gloria: Look, Jay, it's a talking storybook. We'll record ourselves reading it and then at night Lily can hear our voices before she goes to sleep.
Jay: Terrible idea.
Manny: Unlike the timelessness of cashmere.
Gloria: Enough with the cashmere.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why is it a terrible idea?
Jay: Don't you remember the answering machine message?
[flashback:]
Jay: Hi, you've reached Jay-
Gloria: And Gloria. Please leave a message after the-
Jay: You didn't say "beep."
Gloria: If I say beep, then the people will think it's the beep.
Jay: No, I think they're gonna know to wait for the actual beep.
Gloria: I don't think they'll know.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Hi, you've reached Jay-
Gloria: And Gloria. Please leave a message after the "beeeeeep."
Jay: What was that?
Gloria: You told me to make the beep.
Jay: No, I didn't tell you to make the beep. I told you to say the word "beep."
Gloria: If I say the word, then people think it's the beep.
Jay: It's not the beep!
Gloria: Then why even say it?

Quote from Luke

Phil: Okay, buddy, we're gonna need you on the front lines sooner than expected. You ready to be cute?
Luke: Please.
Phil: Go get 'em.
Luke: [hugging Claire] Hi, Mommy. My tummy's growling. Can I have some "pas-ghetti"?
Claire: Sweetie, you're hurting me. And take a shower tonight. Your hair smells like cheese. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Luke: [to Phil] Okay, I need a giant lollipop, and I need it now.

Quote from Dede

Claire: I just don't understand why you invited him to my house.
Dede: Because he's an old friend. What was I gonna do, not invite him?
Claire: Yes. Yes.
Dede: Sweetheart, I don't know about you, but that is not the way I was raised.
Claire: You raised me.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: "Once upon a time, there lived a family of bears. There was Papa Bear"- That's you, Jay.
Jay: Ah, okay. Let's see. [squinting]
Gloria: Do you want me to hold it and stand in the driveway?
Jay: "Holy mackerel, this is good salmon." I feel like they missed an opportun-
Gloria: [deep voice] Shh. "I don't want to eat the fish. They are my friends."
Jay: What kind of voice is that?
Gloria: I am a bear.
Jay: A bear? I was gonna get a crucifix.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: "And then the baby bear said"
Manny: "Good night, Mama. Good night, Papa. This has been the best day ever."
Gloria: "And after she kissed her parents good night, she drifted off to sleep. The end."
Manny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. She? Baby Bear's a girl? We have to do it over. I would've played it totally different.
Jay: I think you nailed it.
Manny: And what's that supposed to mean?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Halfway through dinner, I told Claire that whenever she had the urge to lash out at her mother she should just squeeze my hand instead. A doctor had to cut off my wedding ring.

Quote from Alex

Robbie: Yeah, well, I better get going. I've got an early morning run, celebrity client. Don't ask me who. Let's just say that if I'm late, I'll be in "jeopardy."
Alex: Who is Alex Trebek?
Robbie: Uh, he's a game show host. Why?
Alex: No reason.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I used to think your mother loved me. Apparently, she always wished you'd married Robbie.
Claire: Oh, no, sweetie. This was all about her trying to annoy me.
Phil: Come on, she's practically walking you two down the aisle.
Claire: Oh, he left his phone.
Phil: All those Mother's Day cards I sent her. All those joke e-mails she forwarded to me months after I'd already seen 'em. Well, no more polite L.O.L.'s for you, Dede.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What the hell is she doing? He's half her age. Don't say it.
Gloria: I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful. It has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be. That is the question.
Claire: Dad, what's going on over there?
Jay: She was a little nervous about your mother being here so she tried her first Xanax, washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Quote from Cameron

Princess: There's the birthday girl.
Cameron: Glitter? That'll settle in her lungs. So I wanted to ask what method of payment you prefer? Cash, credit card, check?
Princess: Why, princesses don't get paid, except maybe in laughter and sparkles.
Cameron: That's nice. But I really need to know.
Princess: All I ask is that a little girl's birthday wishes [singing] come true.
Cameron: Miss, seriously, if you wanna get paid, I need-
Princess: Fine. You can make the check out to Party Stars, Incorporated.
Cameron: Never break character! Never ever!
Princess: But-
Cameron: But nothing!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: When I was a clown, my shoe caught on fire and one of my fellow clowns put me out with a bucket of flammable confetti.
Princess: What's happening?
Cameron: Even as they loaded me into the ambulance I continued to make balloon animals.
Mitchell: Flammable confetti?
Cameron: There was a seltzer bottle right there!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: So much for keeping it all about Lily.
Cameron: Well, yeah, and I certainly didn't help by berating that perfectly sweet journeyman princess like I did.
Mitchell: God, look at this place. Everybody's traumatized. We need somebody to pump some life back into this party.
Cameron: I got this. I'll go in and turn on some music, bring out the cupcakes, pump up the bubble machine.
Mitchell: Or...
Cameron: Is that a roundabout way of saying a certain clown can come to the party?
Mitchell: I was wrong. Every kid wants a clown for a dad.
Cameron: Oh! You just made a little girl very happy.
Mitchell: Yes. Well, I can see that.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [recorded] "And then Papa Bear said"
Jay: [recorded] "Baby and I are going fishing."
Cameron: This is such a precious gift.
Mitchell: I know. I can't believe my dad sat down and did this.
Cameron: Keep going.
Gloria: [recorded] Jay, pay attention. It's your line.
Jay: [recorded] I just had a damn line. Manny, freshen this up for me.
Gloria: [recorded] No. No more drinks until we finish this.
Jay: [recorded] Who cares? Cam's just gonna return it anyway.
Mitchell: Cue gasp.
Cameron: [gasp]


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