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25Quotes from ‘The Wild’

Modern Family: The Wild

1017. The Wild

Aired March 13, 2019

Mitchell, Cameron and Phil join Jay on his annual hiking trip to see a bald eagle after Gloria worries about him doing it alone. Meanwhile, Gloria, Alex, Claire and Haley find nothing goes to plan as they attempt to assemble a crib.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Every winter, I take a bird-watching trip with my buddies specifically to see a bald eagle. So far, no luck. This year, my buddies bailed: back spasm, cracked hip. And I'm the idiot for installing a shower chair. I was all set to go solo, when those three tagalongs invited themselves. They invaded my territory like a bunch of bay-breasted warblers.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: Pair of 7s.
Jay: Ace high.
Cameron: Everyone, I'd like you to meet Don Lemon and RuPaul, a pair of black queens.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Darned if I didn't feel like a bay-breasted warbler horning in on Jay's trip, but Gloria made us go.
Mitchell: She was worried about my dad being out in the woods alone at his age, so she... she gently nudged us to join him.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [to Claire] Way to rock it, girlfriend!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I cannot deny it anymore. I am turning into a white woman.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: We can't let him stay by himself. We told Gloria we'd keep him safe.
Phil: Yeah, if he's staying, we're staying.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah. What... What's the worst that could happen? I mean, in the movies, when city folk stay overnight in abandoned cabins, things usually pan out okay. Anyway, I'm gonna run ahead, see if they have any postcards up at this poorly guarded mental institution.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Carl, do you have a pizza slicer?
Carl: Only the commemorative one I got for years of service.
Claire: Give it to me. I have a vision.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Shaq and Hendrix never got past their blind spots. Maybe they didn't want it enough. Turning pizzas into was a simple matter of removing one slice from each pie, then trimming off a V-shaped portion of pizza from each of the remaining slices, turning them from 36-degree angles to 40-degree angles, then putting together the 40-degree angles into nine slightly smaller pies. After that, one had only to repurpose the nine previously removed slices into a 10th pie.

Quote from Cameron

Park Ranger: Okay, folks, you might want to put on some sunscreen. Up this high, the trees start to thin out.
Cameron: Oh, this might be a good place for a picture. Oh, let me go behind that rock. I'll change into my next look.
Jay: Another one?
Mitchell: He has to. His Instagram follower demands it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Eagle! Oh, wait, false alarm. It's just a plastic bag in a tree. Eagle! Nope. Sorry. Bag fell.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You know what? I think in about 10 minutes, the light's gonna be perfect for my "Afternoon Adventurer" look.
Park Ranger: Okay, uh, before we head deeper into the woods, I should warn you folks that there's been several bear sightings in the area. So if you happen to have any food with you...
Mitchell: Got it! [throws backpack]
Park Ranger: I was going to say you can store it in this bear box here.
Mitchell: Oh. Um, okay. Well, then, talk amongst yourselves. It could take me a while to find where my manly heave sent that heavy... Ah! Here it is. Someone must've heaved it back. Thank you!

Quote from Alex

Alex: Okay, I was going to surprise you, but I can't wait anymore. It's a handmade mobile of great women in history! Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks! Ohh!
Haley: I just hope it goes with the theme that Dylan wants for the room. Are any of these women important in the fields of fire trucks or unicorns?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Hendrix couldn't read music, Shaq couldn't make free throws, and I have a little trouble visualizing space and scale.

Quote from Gloria

Haley: Mom, where do we start?
Claire: Um...
Gloria: Maybe Mommy just needs some cougar juice! What's wrong with me?

Quote from Alex

Claire: Alex, would you mind running down to the hardware store?
Alex: No way. I don't trust myself to drive anymore.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I signed up to be the student liaison for a visiting scholar on campus... Sir Kenneth Penrose. Yes, that Sir Kenneth Penrose. Rock star of the microbiology world.
[flashback:]
Alex: I know you must hear this a lot, but you're the reason I took up snooker. Do you still play?
Sir Kenneth Penrose: I've had to lay down my cue lately. I've been working for months on an Ebola vaccine. Just moments ago, I had a breakthrough. I can't wait to get to the lab and jot...
Man: Hey!
Alex: Aah! Whoa! That was my chemistry advisor. I would not want to be known as the girl who... Sir Kenneth?
Sir Kenneth Penrose: W-Where am I?
[present:]
Alex: You don't know the shame. Now they won't let me drive around anyone smarter than a sociology professor.

Quote from Haley

Haley: You know what else hit the ground today? Me. While I was bending over to pickup a doughnut off the floor! It was covered in dust balls, but I didn't care, 'cause I'm a disgusting pig monster.
Claire: Oh, honey, please. You're as... as beautiful as ever.
Haley: Tell that to MugScan.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: MugScan is a face-recognition program we use at work. It was really mean to me.
[flashback:]
Female Voice: Good morning, Wayne.
Haley: Wayne? I'm not Wayne, you jerk!

Quote from Gloria

Haley: One of my shoes flew off in the fall, and I couldn't put it back on because my feet were so swollen.
Gloria: You know who makes a great shoe? New Balance. I wear them when I power-walk to Neil Diamond.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: Great. We're sending beef smoke signals to a forest full of bears.
Mitchell: I'm sorry! I should've shared!
Cameron: Meanwhile, there is a sack full of hiking snacks just up the road! Brie, prosciutto, not to mention a wonderful maple-walnut butter that Gloria recommended on her Pinterest board.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: It'll feel good to get something right today.
Alex: Plus, I wouldn't mind sticking it to some preppy, white jerks.
Gloria: Hey! That life comes with its own problems!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Lot of colors in that fire, huh? Red, green, yellow, blue...
Mitchell: Geez. Okay.
Jay: What is this yammering with you?! Seriously!
Phil: I don't know. I guess I just don't like being alone with my own thoughts. Maybe it's because I have a couple of grandkids on the way, but now, if things get too quiet, my mind goes to a dark place fast. I start to worry about the people that I love and all the bad things that could happen to them. I suppose talking pushes those thoughts out and helps me feel okay.
Jay: I get it. We can all spiral. But you can't talk your way out of it. You got to think your way out of it. You know, find a happy place. Try this. 30 seconds, no talking. Go.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, I think we can learn a lot from this guy, because it's not the... the bears out there that we're afraid of. It's the bears in our lives, the fear that keeps us up at night. And I think that's an interesting topic we can return to once I change into my "Fireside Chat" look.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Go ahead, make fun of me. I like my outfits.
Phil: Why so many?
Cameron: Yeah, I guess when I was a kid, I realized I wasn't ever gonna fit in, so I decided to stand out. I embraced my flamboyance to let the world know their insults won't hurt me. Want to make a joke about me?
Go ahead, 'cause I'm in on it.
Phil: That's really beautiful, Cam. And you're not alone. Growing up, we were all insecure nerds in our own way.
Jay: I was cool. What? I thought we were sharing. That's very brave, Cam. That's good stuff.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Come on, hurry up! A bet's a bet! I told you I could stand on one leg longer than you!
Jay: You're the only one whose balance gets better after drinking a jug of whiskey.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I've never told anyone this, but, uh, a fortune teller once predicted that I would not live to see my 46th winter.
Jay: Was that that kook that used to live next door to us? She's nuts. She told your mother she was gonna win a Tony one day.
Mitchell: But she was right about a lot of other things. She said that I'd become a lawyer. She said that I would marry a clown one day. Laughed a long time about that one.
Cameron: Why?
Mitchell: Anyway, I-I guess my "bear" is the fear of dying young. Uh, I mean, if that fortune teller's right, I only have three more years to live.
Cameron: Well, y-you know what? The way I see it, this little curse is actually a gift... a reason to live life to the fullest.
Jay: And have no regrets.
Mitchell: Okay, so we're all just accepting this 46-year thing as true?
Phil: We've made our peace with it. And so should you.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Why not just live your limited days with leaving nothing unsaid? Tell the people who matter the most how you feel.
Mitchell: I tell you and Lily I love you every single day.
Cameron: True. What about Phil?
Phil: He did text me with a "Love ya" this morning.
Cameron: Close enough. And your dad? ... Seriously?!
Mitchell: I just have a hard time saying that word to him.
Jay: Which is fine for the both of us.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Okay, well, it sounds like you might be uncomfortable with that word, too.
Jay: No! I don't have a problem with it. I use it all the time. I'm always saying I love things. I... I love the feel of toasty socks out of the microwave. I love the far-off sound of a train whistle. You know, "Ooh! What adventure have they gotten off to?" I l... I love watching a baby stretch.
Phil: Those are all good things in your life, Jay, but...what's your "bear"?
Jay: I don't have one.
Mitchell: Oh, come on! We all told you ours.
Jay: Now, when you get to my age, there are less things that you're afraid of. Except maybe... being a burden to your family. Which is starting already, because Gloria forced you guys to babysit me, which is why I wanted to spend the night here so I could prove I'm not some frail old man. But, if I'm being honest, that hike gets tougher for me every year. And I was relieved that I didn't have to do it alone.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I don't know about you guys, but I slept great. That cot was so soft. I'm not always a sound sleeper. Been meaning to try that melatonin. I hear it's a real game-changer. And you can get it anywhere nowadays. Has it always been over-the-counter. Kind of a funny phrase, isn't it... "over-the-counter"?


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