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38Quotes from ‘SuperShowerBabyBowl’

Modern Family: SuperShowerBabyBowl

1015. SuperShowerBabyBowl

Aired February 20, 2019

A double booking results in Jay's house playing host to a Super Bowl party and a baby shower for Haley at the same time.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Thanks. And thanks for inviting me today.
Alex: Of course. You're the baby's father.
Dylan: Yeah, but it's a family thing, and I don't always feel like I belong. Sometimes they look at me like the proverbial bird in the punch bowl.
Alex: Almost.

Quote from Jay

Jay: ♪ Oh, Super Bowl ♪ ♪ The plays, the plays, they're calling ♪ ♪ From end to end ♪ ♪ And... ♪ [opens fridge] Oh!
Gloria: What happened? Do I call the nine and the one and the other one?
Jay: Why is my fridge filled with non-football-related foods on Super Bowl Sunday? There's no room for my Jerry Rice pudding.

Quote from Dylan

Luke: Hey, you guys want to buy a Super Bowl square? Only $3.75.
Dylan: Cool. Can I take three squares?
Haley: Yeah, I need something good today, too. We'll split five squares.
Phil: Uh... do you have quarters?
Dylan: Oh, I don't carry change since the last time I got struck by lightning.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: Cam, have a bowl of my famous chili.
Cameron: I didn't know you made chili.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I know all about Jay's damn chili. We talked about it last year on this very day. Promises were made.
[flashback:]
Jay: Next year, I'm getting you your own football chair and you're gonna help me make my famous chili.
5:00 a.m. Be there or be square.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: You know, I never entirely felt Jay's approval, so this was a big step for us. I counted the days. Then Super Bowl Eve, I went and I bought the finest chili thickeners: corn flour and potato flour. And I showed up an hour before dawn. I called Jay's cell as to not startle Gloria.
[flashback:]
Jay: Hey, what's up?
[voice over:]
Cameron: He had no idea why I was calling. Clearly promises made didn't mean as much to him. But I couldn't let him know that.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Oh, uh, Jay, is th... is that you? I-I must... I must've butt-dialed you. Why else would I be calling you so early... on a regular Sunday morning? Sorry.
[v.o.]
Cameron: I felt like a jilted lover standing on his porch, holding those beautiful flours.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: You can't hide in here all day. To me, you've never been hotter, and I've seen you hitchhike in a bikini.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm making White Russians for the baby show-ahhh. A little liquid courage makes all the naughty games better.
Alex: I think you're mixing up baby shower with bridal shower.
Claire: Well, my bridal shower did take place when I was pregnant. The cops even showed up. Of course, they weren't real cops. One of them rubbed his butt against my belly. Don't tell Haley.
Alex: Or how about, "Don't tell Alex"?

Quote from Luke

Phil: Super Bowl squares here! Get your Super Bowl squares!
Gloria: No. Not this again.
Phil: Uh, actually, we've made some refinements. Last year, the price was a little high. The year before, too low. So this year, we've landed on the perfect number.
Luke: $3.75 per square.
Jay: I'll do what I did last year. Give me 11 squares.
Phil: Okay. Easy enough. Um...
Luke: Uh...

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: I'm telling you, you look cute.
Haley: You know what's not cute? Lying to me.
Dylan: This gets better once they come out, right?

Quote from Phil

Gloria: What happened?
Haley: Well, my last pair of jeans exploded, I can't wear skirts because my thighs are growing hair faster than I can shave it, so I'm wearing ski pants to my own baby shower.
Dylan: I'm telling you, no one's even gonna notice.
Haley: Oh... [walks away]
Phil: What's that sound? It's like when the doors on the starship Enterprise open.

Quote from Phil

Manny: Hello, Phillip.
Phil: Hello, Manuel.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Against my better judgment, I wrote a part for Phil in my new movie. Things got heated, words were exchanged, which is surprising, considering he had a mouthful of scenery. Actors.
[separately to camera:]
Phil: Writers. They think they're so great. "Oh, my words are so precious." Try listening for once. Maybe you'll learn how humans actually talk. Wait, is it... is it "talk" or "speak"? Oh, that's right. No one cares!

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Hello, hello. I'm here for the Super Bowl.
Mitchell: And I am here for the baby shower.
Cameron: Okay, yep.
Lily: I'm here for some sort of punishment, I think.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: He is. Lily, you're very lucky to have such a wise papa. Assistant District Attorney Pritchett is a hero.
Claire: Huh. So this one thinks you're cool now?
Mitchell: Okay, Gloria loves crime stories, especially women who kill their husbands. And I recently prosecuted the Bel Air Black Widow. She came to court every single day.
[flashback:]
Juror: We find the defendant guilty.
Gloria: Yes! Whoop, whoop!
Bel Air Black Widow: Hey, Counselor. This isn't over.
Mitchell: Lady, you're like me in high school, cause you ain't gonna be coming out for years!
Gloria: Boom goes the dynamite!

Quote from Haley

Alex: There you are. I'm sorry you're having a bad day, uh... but I thought you should know, I invited Danielle.
Haley: Danielle? Ugh, she's so annoying. Everything she says sounds like a question? But it's not?
Alex: Yeah, but she's in her, like, thousandth month of pregnancy.
Haley: Oh, my God. That means I won't be the grossest preggo here. Bless you.

Quote from Haley

Claire: So, I'm just gonna repurpose some of this hair to cover the bald spot and zits...
Haley: Zits?!
Claire: And "zits" gonna look amazing. Ta da!
Haley: Ta da?!
Claire: Yeah.
Haley: I have a huge gut and a comb-over. I look like a divorced dentist.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay. So, Dylan misunderstood a bunch of the things he heard us say, got upset, and ran off.
Alex: Let's not pretend this was some mistake or Dylan being oversensitive. We've all given him plenty of reasons to feel unwelcome in this family.
Phil: And some of us do have a meanness. I'll leave it at that. A monstrous cruelty. Enough said. Sadistic.

Quote from Alex

Danielle: My family is really chill?
Alex: Ugh. You were a mistake.

Quote from Phil

Manny: So, the one person who might know where Dylan went, Haley, is the one person who can't know he's missing. That's what I call a dramatic situation.
Phil: [chuckles] Shouldn't you be directing the life out of it?

Quote from Joe

Alex: Joe, where does Dylan like to go when he's depressed?
Gloria: Alex, he likes him, but it's not like...
Joe: Park, pet store, guitar shop. What? I follow his Instagram. He finds beauty in the mundane.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: He's not stuck in the tube slide.
Mitchell: Ah, it was too much to hope he'd be where we found him when Mister Rogers died.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: [cellphone chimes] "You messed with the wrong girl. I'm coming for you." Who is this?
Gloria: 310. That's Bel Air. The Black Widow is out and already threatening you? This is good. You get to catch her and be a hero again.
Mitchell: You know, maybe I should... I should send the Black Widow a... a "no hard feelings" text.
Gloria: No.
Mitchell: No?
Gloria: What you said in court was right. That animal deserved no mercy. She deserves a cage.
Mitchell: Well, you know, I said some things, she said some things. It's... Wait, um...
Gloria: "I am not afraid. Bring it on."
Mitchell: Oh, okay.
Gloria: All bullies are the same. They act like they're tough, but when you punch 'em in the nose, they back down.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Gloria: [cellphone chimes] "I know where you live. You're dead." That response is rare.

Quote from Haley

Jay: There he is. Dylan. Hey, Dylan! Oh, sorry. That's the third time I've made that exact same mistake. Makes me wonder about some of my dates in 'Nam.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Well, he ain't here. Let's go. My famous chili has been simmering since 5:00 a.m.
Cameron: Y-You know, it is funny that you keep calling your chili "famous" when I find it a little... forgettable.
Jay: Cam, I'm a successful man. Captain of industry, made out with a Gabor sister, and if I can swing a few more board votes, we break ground on the Pritchett School of Closet Science at Ohio State. Not really sweating your take on my chili.
[aside to camera]
Jay: He'd hurt me deeply. I kept mentioning chili 'cause, you know, I was trying to jog his memory, 'cause we were supposed to make it together. I've waited my whole life for a special Super Bowl buddy, someone who understands it isn't just a game. It's a 15-hour, 4-meal, 2-shirt, 1-nap experience, and I thought Cam could be that buddy. Then I started worrying Cam might forget a date we set a year ago.
[flashback:]
Jay: [cellphone rings] He remembered. He remembered, Stella! Be cool. [answers phone, yawning] Hey, what's up? Oh, butt-dial. No, I see. Yeah, take it easy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Nose print, man's... face high, direct eye-line to baby bunnies. Dylan was here.

Quote from Manny

[flashback:]
Phil: Me cold.
Manny: Cut! "I'm so cold." Not "Me cold." Not "I'm not not cold." Not "Ice, ice baby." No humans say those things!
Phil: It is so difficult to build a performance with a constant barrage of notes!
Manny: Note! Say the line! Three words!
Phil: You know what three words I'd like to hear? "Nice death, Phil!"
Manny: I'm just trying to [bleep] help you, you [bleep] diva [bleep]! And you keep [bleep] yourself. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! Unbelievable! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
[present:]
Manny: Fortunately, it cut off right before I really lost it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Manny, why would I post a video calling myself a "terrible actor"?
Manny: Huh. Could've been my editor. During a particularly intense creative discussion, I may have slapped him in front of his girlfriend. Phil, I'm sorry. I think the reason I got frustrated is only partly due to your infuriating incompetence.
Phil: Was that so hard?

Quote from Phil

Manny: Between us, I've applied to transfer to somewhere I can major in accounting or law. Something safe. I've started to question if I have any talent as a filmmaker.
Phil: Let's find out. You got your film with you?
Manny: On my phone.
Phil: We have a perfect test audience. Take a chance. Let's, uh... Let's see what you got.
Manny: Okay. I mean, I got my projector.
Phil: And a screen.
Manny: All right. I'll set it up.
Phil: Great. Meanwhile, I'll warm up the crowd with a magic trick. [loudly] Excuse me. I need everyone to put their wallets in this pillow case and turn and face the wall.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Well, that's it. No one knows where Dylan is.
Alex: They better. Her friends are gonna be here in minutes... the same ones who at a graduation party voted her most likely to be pregnant and alone.
Claire: Hmm.
Alex: Like I always say, it's better to have no friends than mean friends.
Claire: Well...

Quote from Claire

Claire: Dylan's always been a runner. God, you remember when he was a blond? Ugh, I called him "Lady Dye-Job" and he ran off, and I had to track him down...

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hey, Dylan, open up. It's Claire.
Dylan: [o.s.] I... I don't want to talk, Mrs. D.
Claire: Look, I realize you're upset. But those things that Cam and Mitch and Luke and Phil and Gloria said, they're... they were just, uh, silly misunderstandings.
Dylan: [opens door] Okay. But what about what you said?
[flashback:]
Alex: You realize we're gonna have to baby-proof all the cabinets at home, right?
Claire: Think of how cute it'll be watching Dylan try to get into them.
[back:]
Claire: I shouldn't have said that, and I obviously didn't realize...
Dylan: What? That I would get that joke? The insult set it up, Mrs. D. "Lady Dye-Job" has feelings.

Quote from Jay

Lily: What is happening?
Jay: Movies in a laundromat now? Can't hipsters just let a thing be a thing?

Quote from Cameron

Jay: Chili. Why did he have to mention that? We were supposed to cook together this morning, Cam. I waited for you.
Cameron: But I was there on your front porch with flours.
Jay: You remembered the thickeners?
Cameron: Of course I did. I thought you forgot.
Jay: [unzips sweater] I have an identical one for you!
Cameron: Oh, Jay, you don't know how much this means to me!

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Lily, you... you have to apologize to Christina.
Jay: That's right. Don't be like me and Cam and Sergei and Alexei. Pride is poison!
Cameron: Yes, open your heart! Let yourself love! Jay...
Lily: So, nobody's wondering why Uncle Phil is starring in a laundromat movie?

Quote from Manny

Manny: So?
Phil: It's... not very good.
Manny: I knew it. I wasted my time.
Phil: But it's much better than the last one, and there was one moment when Count Ivanovich was... was playing chess with the bear that really moved me.
Manny: Well, that was supposed to be the emotional gestalt of the piece. You can hear me stifle a sob in the cut because my boom operator was undermining me.
Phil: You had an astonishingly toxic set. Listen, Manny, if I was your dad, I might tell you to play it safe with your career. But as a fan, I'm dying to see what you come up with next.
Manny: Really?
Phil: Yeah. I've been watching you make up stories since you were this big. I want to see how it ends. Not that. I-I want to see how this ends.

Quote from Phil

Manny: I would like to keep trying, maybe something not so commercial.
Phil: That's great. I do think it's the end of the road for me as a thespian, though.
Manny: Probably best. Well, I did have a part in my next film for a guy your age, but you'd have to grow a Fu Manchu moustache and gain pounds in two weeks.
Phil: I'll be ready Tuesday.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: Mitch, come here. Show them how to be a real man. He has been getting threatening texts all day from a fugitive, and he hasn't even flinched.
Mitchell: Well, they're lucky they're pretty, right? [chuckles]
Lily: Daddy, can I borrow your phone? I want to apologize to Christina.
Gloria: Lily, no. His phone might be evidence in a murder trial.
Mitchell: Whose?
Cameron: Sweetie, have you been using Daddy's phone to text your friend?
Lily: Yeah, and I said some mean stuff. She's probably been texting me back.
Mitchell: [cellphone chimes] My God. Okay, okay. "I'm... I'm right outside your house. This ends now." Oh! [chimes] "P.S., your hair's ugly."

Quote from Dylan

Claire: Thank you for this, Dylan, and I appreciate you forgiving me for the dumb thing I said earlier.
Dylan: Who said I forgave you? I'm only treating your injury because you're a guest in my home.
Claire: I know it may seem that I haven't always accepted you, but when I met you, you were an 18-year-old in a leather jacket dating my 15-year-old daughter.
Dylan: I get it. You were trying to protect your daughter from a guy like me, but I haven't been a guy like me for a long time. Bend for me.
Claire: It's hard, Dylan. I have been a mama bear for so long...
Dylan: No, your elbow.
Claire: Oh. Okay. It's j... It's all happening so fast.
Dylan: But it is happening. I'm about to be the father to your grandbabies. Reach out a little. I meant emotionally.
Claire: Oh.
Dylan: I can look myself in the mirror and know that I've tried my hardest to make our relationship work. Can you do the same? [looks up] Go ahead. Here, let me give you some light. [red lights come on] Oops, uh, not that one.
Claire: No.

Quote from Claire

Claire: There are a lot of ways for a family to grow: finding interests you didn't know you shared, finding new challenges to embark on together... But it takes a lot of work. The best way for families to grow is by adding to them. So this is to the newest members of our family. I look forward to getting to know all of you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm... f-f... f-freezing.
Manny: [o.s.] Cut!
Phil: Could it be any colder?
Manny: [o.s.] No!
Phil: Fur hat weather, no?
Manny: [o.s.] No!
Manny: [o.s.] "I'm so cold." "I'm so cold." "I'm so cold!" And action.
Phil: Um... brr, am I right?
Manny: [o.s.] You gotta be kidding me!


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