Dylan: Thanks. And thanks for inviting me today.
Alex: Of course. You're the baby's father.
Dylan: Yeah, but it's a family thing, and I don't always feel like I belong. Sometimes they look at me like the proverbial bird in the punch bowl.
Alex: Almost.

Jay: ♪ Oh, Super Bowl ♪ ♪ The plays, the plays, they're calling ♪ ♪ From end to end ♪ ♪ And... ♪ [opens fridge] Oh!
Gloria: What happened? Do I call the nine and the one and the other one?
Jay: Why is my fridge filled with non-football-related foods on Super Bowl Sunday? There's no room for my Jerry Rice pudding.

Luke: Hey, you guys want to buy a Super Bowl square? Only $3.75.
Dylan: Cool. Can I take three squares?
Haley: Yeah, I need something good today, too. We'll split five squares.
Phil: Uh... do you have quarters?
Dylan: Oh, I don't carry change since the last time I got struck by lightning.

Jay: Cam, have a bowl of my famous chili.
Cameron: I didn't know you made chili.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I know all about Jay's damn chili. We talked about it last year on this very day. Promises were made.
[flashback:]
Jay: Next year, I'm getting you your own football chair and you're gonna help me make my famous chili.
5:00 a.m. Be there or be square.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: You know, I never entirely felt Jay's approval, so this was a big step for us. I counted the days. Then Super Bowl Eve, I went and I bought the finest chili thickeners: corn flour and potato flour. And I showed up an hour before dawn. I called Jay's cell as to not startle Gloria.
[flashback:]
Jay: Hey, what's up?
[voice over:]
Cameron: He had no idea why I was calling. Clearly promises made didn't mean as much to him. But I couldn't let him know that.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Oh, uh, Jay, is th... is that you? I-I must... I must've butt-dialed you. Why else would I be calling you so early... on a regular Sunday morning? Sorry.
[v.o.]
Cameron: I felt like a jilted lover standing on his porch, holding those beautiful flours.

Dylan: You can't hide in here all day. To me, you've never been hotter, and I've seen you hitchhike in a bikini.

Jay: Well, he ain't here. Let's go. My famous chili has been simmering since 5:00 a.m.
Cameron: Y-You know, it is funny that you keep calling your chili "famous" when I find it a little... forgettable.
Jay: Cam, I'm a successful man. Captain of industry, made out with a Gabor sister, and if I can swing a few more board votes, we break ground on the Pritchett School of Closet Science at Ohio State. Not really sweating your take on my chili.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: He'd hurt me deeply. I kept mentioning chili 'cause, you know, I was trying to jog his memory, 'cause we were supposed to make it together. I've waited my whole life for a special Super Bowl buddy, someone who understands it isn't just a game. It's a 15-hour, 4-meal, 2-shirt, 1-nap experience, and I thought Cam could be that buddy. Then I started worrying Cam might forget a date we set a year ago.
[flashback:]
Jay: [cellphone rings] He remembered. He remembered, Stella! Be cool. [answers phone, yawning] Hey, what's up? Oh, butt-dial. No, I see. Yeah, take it easy.

Phil: I'm... f-f... f-freezing.
Manny: [o.s.] Cut!
Phil: Could it be any colder?
Manny: [o.s.] No!
Phil: Fur hat weather, no?
Manny: [o.s.] No!
Manny: [o.s.] "I'm so cold." "I'm so cold." "I'm so cold!" And action.
Phil: Um... brr, am I right?
Manny: [o.s.] You gotta be kidding me!

Claire: I'm making White Russians for the baby show-ahhh. A little liquid courage makes all the naughty games better.
Alex: I think you're mixing up baby shower with bridal shower.
Claire: Well, my bridal shower did take place when I was pregnant. The cops even showed up. Of course, they weren't real cops. One of them rubbed his butt against my belly. Don't tell Haley.
Alex: Or how about, "Don't tell Alex"?

Phil: Super Bowl squares here! Get your Super Bowl squares!
Gloria: No. Not this again.
Phil: Uh, actually, we've made some refinements. Last year, the price was a little high. The year before, too low. So this year, we've landed on the perfect number.
Luke: $3.75 per square.
Jay: I'll do what I did last year. Give me 11 squares.
Phil: Okay. Easy enough. Um...
Luke: Uh...

Dylan: I'm telling you, you look cute.
Haley: You know what's not cute? Lying to me.
Dylan: This gets better once they come out, right?