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‘SuperShowerBabyBowl’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: SuperShowerBabyBowl

1015. SuperShowerBabyBowl

Aired February 20, 2019

A double booking results in Jay's house playing host to a Super Bowl party and a baby shower for Haley at the same time.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Thanks. And thanks for inviting me today.
Alex: Of course. You're the baby's father.
Dylan: Yeah, but it's a family thing, and I don't always feel like I belong. Sometimes they look at me like the proverbial bird in the punch bowl.
Alex: Almost.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: ♪ Oh, Super Bowl ♪ ♪ The plays, the plays, they're calling ♪ ♪ From end to end ♪ ♪ And... ♪ [opens fridge] Oh!
Gloria: What happened? Do I call the nine and the one and the other one?
Jay: Why is my fridge filled with non-football-related foods on Super Bowl Sunday? There's no room for my Jerry Rice pudding.

Quote from Dylan

Luke: Hey, you guys want to buy a Super Bowl square? Only $3.75.
Dylan: Cool. Can I take three squares?
Haley: Yeah, I need something good today, too. We'll split five squares.
Phil: Uh... do you have quarters?
Dylan: Oh, I don't carry change since the last time I got struck by lightning.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: Cam, have a bowl of my famous chili.
Cameron: I didn't know you made chili.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I know all about Jay's damn chili. We talked about it last year on this very day. Promises were made.
[flashback:]
Jay: Next year, I'm getting you your own football chair and you're gonna help me make my famous chili.
5:00 a.m. Be there or be square.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: You know, I never entirely felt Jay's approval, so this was a big step for us. I counted the days. Then Super Bowl Eve, I went and I bought the finest chili thickeners: corn flour and potato flour. And I showed up an hour before dawn. I called Jay's cell as to not startle Gloria.
[flashback:]
Jay: Hey, what's up?
[voice over:]
Cameron: He had no idea why I was calling. Clearly promises made didn't mean as much to him. But I couldn't let him know that.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Oh, uh, Jay, is th... is that you? I-I must... I must've butt-dialed you. Why else would I be calling you so early... on a regular Sunday morning? Sorry.
[v.o.]
Cameron: I felt like a jilted lover standing on his porch, holding those beautiful flours.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: You can't hide in here all day. To me, you've never been hotter, and I've seen you hitchhike in a bikini.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Well, he ain't here. Let's go. My famous chili has been simmering since 5:00 a.m.
Cameron: Y-You know, it is funny that you keep calling your chili "famous" when I find it a little... forgettable.
Jay: Cam, I'm a successful man. Captain of industry, made out with a Gabor sister, and if I can swing a few more board votes, we break ground on the Pritchett School of Closet Science at Ohio State. Not really sweating your take on my chili.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: He'd hurt me deeply. I kept mentioning chili 'cause, you know, I was trying to jog his memory, 'cause we were supposed to make it together. I've waited my whole life for a special Super Bowl buddy, someone who understands it isn't just a game. It's a 15-hour, 4-meal, 2-shirt, 1-nap experience, and I thought Cam could be that buddy. Then I started worrying Cam might forget a date we set a year ago.
[flashback:]
Jay: [cellphone rings] He remembered. He remembered, Stella! Be cool. [answers phone, yawning] Hey, what's up? Oh, butt-dial. No, I see. Yeah, take it easy.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm making White Russians for the baby show-ahhh. A little liquid courage makes all the naughty games better.
Alex: I think you're mixing up baby shower with bridal shower.
Claire: Well, my bridal shower did take place when I was pregnant. The cops even showed up. Of course, they weren't real cops. One of them rubbed his butt against my belly. Don't tell Haley.
Alex: Or how about, "Don't tell Alex"?

Quote from Luke

Phil: Super Bowl squares here! Get your Super Bowl squares!
Gloria: No. Not this again.
Phil: Uh, actually, we've made some refinements. Last year, the price was a little high. The year before, too low. So this year, we've landed on the perfect number.
Luke: $3.75 per square.
Jay: I'll do what I did last year. Give me 11 squares.
Phil: Okay. Easy enough. Um...
Luke: Uh...

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: I'm telling you, you look cute.
Haley: You know what's not cute? Lying to me.
Dylan: This gets better once they come out, right?

Quote from Phil

Gloria: What happened?
Haley: Well, my last pair of jeans exploded, I can't wear skirts because my thighs are growing hair faster than I can shave it, so I'm wearing ski pants to my own baby shower.
Dylan: I'm telling you, no one's even gonna notice.
Haley: Oh... [walks away]
Phil: What's that sound? It's like when the doors on the starship Enterprise open.

Quote from Phil

Manny: Hello, Phillip.
Phil: Hello, Manuel.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Against my better judgment, I wrote a part for Phil in my new movie. Things got heated, words were exchanged, which is surprising, considering he had a mouthful of scenery. Actors.
[separately to camera:]
Phil: Writers. They think they're so great. "Oh, my words are so precious." Try listening for once. Maybe you'll learn how humans actually talk. Wait, is it... is it "talk" or "speak"? Oh, that's right. No one cares!

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Hello, hello. I'm here for the Super Bowl.
Mitchell: And I am here for the baby shower.
Cameron: Okay, yep.
Lily: I'm here for some sort of punishment, I think.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: He is. Lily, you're very lucky to have such a wise papa. Assistant District Attorney Pritchett is a hero.
Claire: Huh. So this one thinks you're cool now?
Mitchell: Okay, Gloria loves crime stories, especially women who kill their husbands. And I recently prosecuted the Bel Air Black Widow. She came to court every single day.
[flashback:]
Juror: We find the defendant guilty.
Gloria: Yes! Whoop, whoop!
Bel Air Black Widow: Hey, Counselor. This isn't over.
Mitchell: Lady, you're like me in high school, cause you ain't gonna be coming out for years!
Gloria: Boom goes the dynamite!

Quote from Haley

Alex: There you are. I'm sorry you're having a bad day, uh... but I thought you should know, I invited Danielle.
Haley: Danielle? Ugh, she's so annoying. Everything she says sounds like a question? But it's not?
Alex: Yeah, but she's in her, like, thousandth month of pregnancy.
Haley: Oh, my God. That means I won't be the grossest preggo here. Bless you.

Quote from Haley

Claire: So, I'm just gonna repurpose some of this hair to cover the bald spot and zits...
Haley: Zits?!
Claire: And "zits" gonna look amazing. Ta da!
Haley: Ta da?!
Claire: Yeah.
Haley: I have a huge gut and a comb-over. I look like a divorced dentist.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay. So, Dylan misunderstood a bunch of the things he heard us say, got upset, and ran off.
Alex: Let's not pretend this was some mistake or Dylan being oversensitive. We've all given him plenty of reasons to feel unwelcome in this family.
Phil: And some of us do have a meanness. I'll leave it at that. A monstrous cruelty. Enough said. Sadistic.

Quote from Alex

Danielle: My family is really chill?
Alex: Ugh. You were a mistake.

Quote from Phil

Manny: So, the one person who might know where Dylan went, Haley, is the one person who can't know he's missing. That's what I call a dramatic situation.
Phil: [chuckles] Shouldn't you be directing the life out of it?

Quote from Joe

Alex: Joe, where does Dylan like to go when he's depressed?
Gloria: Alex, he likes him, but it's not like...
Joe: Park, pet store, guitar shop. What? I follow his Instagram. He finds beauty in the mundane.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: He's not stuck in the tube slide.
Mitchell: Ah, it was too much to hope he'd be where we found him when Mister Rogers died.

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