Jay: Is that the best you can do? 'Cause it's gonna take a little more than some lame trash talk to get me out of my- Gaah! What the hell was that?
Cameron: Our butts pressed against each other.
Jay: They didn't press. It was glancing. Stop talking about it!
Cameron: Oh, come on, all the time you've spent in a locker room, this can't be your first moon landing.
Jay: You got a name for it?
Cameron: It's very common. You got off easy. At least it didn't happen after a shower.
Jay: Enough.
Cameron: We call that a splashdown.
Jay: That's it. I'm changing in the stall. Excuse me!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Gloria got into a little car accident, so my dad asked me to help her out. And, uh, this is the first time that my dad's asked me for legal advice, and it's- it's nice. It's nice to know that he respects me in that way.
Cameron: Well, Mitchell is an amazing lawyer.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: My dream for him is that one day he'll be on the Supreme Court.
Mitchell: Why, Cam?
Cameron: So at parties I can tell everyone my partner is one of the Supremes.

Phil: [aside to camera] Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies are coming back in a big way. Buy low, sell high. People are gonna see this and say, "That guy's high."

Claire: I will have you know that I had quite the little career going. I was an account manager at Starcrest Hotels. I had a little cubicle, and-and I wore my tennis shoes to work and changed into my work pumps. It was very Working Girl.
Phil: That movie's so clutch.

Phil: What are you doing with those?
Alex: Luke and I are doing a recycling drive. If we collect enough bottles, they build a school in Africa.
Luke: Wouldn't that be so cool to go to a school made out of bottles?
Alex: That would certainly be a special school. Did you hear what I said, parents? "Special school"?

Claire: I don't mind saying I was making quite a splash.
Haley: Well, then, why'd you quit?
Claire: Well, Haley, call me old-fashioned, but I wanted to focus on raising a family. So I married your dad.
Phil: Five months later, we were... four months away from having this little bundle of joy.

Cameron: There he is- the steely, grizzled veteran ready to do battle with the plucky upstart. Speed versus grace. Brute force versus-
Jay: Let's just do this.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Jay and I are both gym rats. I love the sauna. That's the dry heat. And the steam, wet. And, of course, I am just a kook for racquetball. Club champ two years in a row, Tonganoxie, Missouri Rec Center. So, naturally, Jay and I have been trying for months to get together to bang the old hollow rubber ball around.

Jay: [aside to camera] I have been avoiding this day like the plague. I mean, part of going to the gym is the locker-room atmosphere. And if I'm there with a gay guy, it's-it's just not gonna be the same. I mean, for me, it's a locker room. For him, it's a showroom. [off Gloria's look] She doesn't get it.

Phil: [aside to camera] Some people call me a salesman. I call myself a sales friend. So obviously, I need strangers to trust me. I don't take kindly to it when someone Tom Sellecks my bus bench.

Construction Worker: Sorry to bother you, sir. We're doing work next door and nicked a main, so we're gonna have to shut down your water.
Phil: Oh. Okay. No problem.
Construction Worker: It shouldn't be too long. If you need it, there's a porta-potty out front.
Phil: Thanks. Hey.
Construction Worker: Yeah?
Phil: Nice mustache.
Construction Worker: [chuckles] Yeah, man. You too, brother.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: "You too, brother."