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52Quotes from ‘Do It Yourself’

Modern Family: Do It Yourself

813. Do It Yourself

Aired February 15, 2017

Feeling warm and fuzzy after successfully fixing the dryer, Phil decides it's finally time to take the plunge and fulfil his dream of building a commercial property, "Dunphy Tower". Claire is obsessed with a TV chef and has been "treating" her family to less-than-stellar recreations of his recipes. Cameron and Mitchell feel they have become too reliant on technology to solve their problems, so they decide to teach Lily the importance of hard work. Meanwhile, Jay feels like he's being replaced when Gloria hires Coach Gary (Payton Manning) to help Joe train for Little League.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Dunphy Tower: My first commercial real-estate development. I've been dreaming of building it since I was a kid, and now it's all happening. Well, minus the trampoline park on the roof and the tunnel to my best friend's house. I am still holding out hope for a fireman's pole that takes you to the parking garage.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't know how I got stuck. I've been on roofs since I was 14 and discovered it was the best way to see into Ethel Burkin's bedroom. Older gal. 50s, I think. Today you probably wouldn't give her a second look, but this was before the Internet. It was either that or a Sears catalog.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I come from a long line of handy men. My dad used to fix everything lawnmowers, cars, our cat. So it made sense that I tackled the clothes dryer after the repair guy tried to rip me off.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I guess these are clean enough.
Phil: I'll have this thing running in no time, honey. I have an instructional video, and I'm labeling each part as I take it out. "Right-back corner. Tiny elbow-y thingy. My right. Dryer left."

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What the hell's going on here, Gloria? I feel like I died. I'm watching my family as a ghost.
Gloria: Don't be silly. If that happened, I would have changed all this furniture.

Quote from Jay

Jay: This is crazy. A kid's supposed to learn this stuff from his dad baseball, how to drive a car, how to fight a guy from Jersey. If you think you took his knife-
Joe: He's got another one.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hi. Can I help you?
Asian woman: I'm here for Lily.
Cameron: [voice breaking] I always knew this day would come.
Mitchell: Probably not what she's here for.

Quote from Claire

Phil: I fixed the dryer, Claire, and you get to be here for the moment of truth.
Claire: [to Luke, who's holding a fire extinguisher] Pull the pin. It works. I had no idea you were so good with your hands. Very manly.
Phil: I pinched my thumb with a pair of pliers earlier. Not a peep.
Claire: Luke, Daddy and I need to go upstairs to discuss something in private.
Luke: Just go. You're ruining sex for me.

Quote from Jay

Phil: [imitating drum roll] Ta-da!
Jay: Phil, I know where we are. I drove.
Phil: You know what this is, but I'm about to tell you what this could be.
Jay: This is my least-favorite way of talking.

Quote from Jay

Phil: You are standing on the site of the future Dunphy Tower. A quarter acre of mixed-use space in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood.
Jay: Commercial real estate, huh? This is a departure for you.
Phil: I thought about it down to the last detail. Imagine a happy worker coming down from their transit-friendly office for a fancy coffee beverage or yoga, and what's that over there?
Jay: A doll's foot, I hope.
Phil: A farm-to-table dog bakery.
Jay: Ooh, Stella and I went to one of those in Solvang. She got a quiche. It looked so good, I almost split it with her.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I was gonna fix that, anyway.
Gloria: Ay. Like you were going to clean the gutter? Coach Gary did it already.
Coach Gary: It really wasn't a problem. I'm not afraid of heights, and I've got big hands.
Jay: Those are fun details.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: It's like the guy was trying to steal my life. I wish he'd shown up when I was married to Dede. I would have made him a key.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Freeze! Police!
Phil: I'm a Realtor. I'm not a criminal.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, well, then you're not doing it right.
Phil: Hey, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: If one of your clients is actually thinking about buying this minefield, that would be their second bad decision. First was hiring you.
Phil: Yeah, I got it.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: You're not gonna push one of your clients into this swamp, are you?
Phil: Maybe it just needs a developer with a little vision.
Gil Thorpe: Very little vision and no sense of smell. I mean, this neighborhood makes El Segundo seem like a Sephora.
Phil: It's in transition.
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, it's turning into Fallujah. I'm out of here before I get jacked. You gonna be around here for a while?
Phil: I might.
Gil Thorpe: Maybe you can score me some methadone. [laughs]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay! Jay!
Jay: I'm up here.
Gloria: [to the heavens] Ay, Dios mío! Your time was too short!

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm on the roof.
Gloria: Ah. Oh, okay. So come down because the TV's working already.
Jay: You know, I'm kind of enjoying hanging out up here. I I'll be down in a little bit. Hey, if Joe wants to work on his throwing arm, maybe he can toss up, uh, an empty bottle.
Gloria: Are you stuck up there?
Jay: Stuck? No! I can come down whenever I want to. I just have to dangle my body out over the edge and then reach blindly for that top rung of the ladder you're not supposed to use. But I'll be in in a little bit. I got a few things I got to do. Got to maintain the roof. It's your house's hat.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, Cam, that sting looks really bad. We we should get you to a doctor.
Cameron: A doctor for a wasp sting? Yes, let's put on our top hats and eat crumpets while we're on our way.

Quote from Jay

Coach Gary: Give me your hand.
Jay: Why? So you can show me up again?
Coach Gary: What are you talking about?
Jay: Give it a rest. You come in here with your young shoulders, your ukulele.
Coach Gary: I'm not trying to show you up, Jay. I'm trying to impress you.
Jay: Why the heck would you want to do that?
Coach Gary: I guess you could say that, like you, I'm stranded in my own way.
Jay: This is my least-favorite way of talking.

Quote from Jay

Coach Gary: I got to tell you, Jay, I'm over the whole sports thing.
Jay: But you just won the championship.
Coach Gary: Exactly. And there's no more Dragons to slay. That's the team we beat last year. the Baby Blue Dragons.
Jay: I'm not seeing how I figure into this.
Coach Gary: I want to start my own business. You've been so successful. I was thinking maybe you could be my mentor.
Jay: What line of work?
Coach Gary: Pre-fab gazebos.
Jay: Nice! Every backyard could be its own town square.
Coach Gary: I knew you'd get it. After all, what's a gazebo but [together] an outdoor closet?
Jay: You're all right, Coach Gary.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm not paying $350 for a moisture sensor that costs $28. I'll fix it myself.
Maintenance guy: [Russian accent] It's a complicated job. You know what I did back in Russia?
Phil: Yeah, yeah, I know. You were a doctor or a scientist.
Maintenance guy: I fixed dryers.
Phil: Oh.
Maintenance guy: I've been doing this a long time is my point.
Phil: Well, Yuri, Phil Dunphy is no pushover. I'm afraid it's a hard nyet.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Can't you do this somewhere else?
Luke: Right, the dryer's the one that needs to get its own place.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Honey, you have to be up anyhow. We've got our cooking class. I want to get there early and grab a stove up front.
Haley: Oh, my God, Mom. You and that chef. Keep it in your apron.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] We can't tell her how bad her food is because that would destroy her. So when I found out Chef Dumont was coming to town, I signed us up for his class, so he could do it.

Quote from Gloria

Coach Gary: All right, Joe. Fire it in here, buddy. Ooh! Yes!
Gloria: Good. Now I don't have to tell another son that some boys have different gifts.
Coach Gary: Good job there, slugger.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: I hired Coach Gary. He's gonna teach Joe how to throw. [holding her hand to her mouth] Joe is the worst in his team.
Joe: I hear you!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Joe learned to throw by copying Jay, but Jay throws all crazy because of his bad shoulder.
[flashback:]
Jay: Like this, buddy. [throws ball] Son of a..!
Joe: [throws] Son of a!
[back:]
Gloria: It's the same reason Joe whistles "Sentimental Journey" when he pees.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You seem like a nice guy and all, but, uh, I got this.
Charles Dumont: Hey, no sweat. Coach Gary gets it.
Jay: Hey, uh, don't forget your ball. [throws ball, grunts]
Gloria: It's okay, Jay. Some boys have different gifts.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Right on time.
Cameron: Wait, Lily, did you hire a cleaning lady?
Lily: Yeah, with an app on your phone. Daddy said my room was a pig sty.
Cameron: Okay, we'll double back to that unnecessary and inaccurate slam on pigs, and I think daddy meant for you to clean your room.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay. Now go clean your room.
Lily: It's not fair. You guys use apps for everything.
Mitchell: No, we don't.
Cameron: Well...
Mitchell: Okay, there's Uber for when we eat out and Postmates for when we eat in.
Cameron: And TaskRabbit for stuff around the house. And Washio and ParkMe and the one where the guy comes over and builds a fire in your fireplace.
Mitchell: Oh, LogBuddy. I love LogBuddy.
Cameron: We need to start leading by example. From now on, we're all gonna be a little more self-reliant. For starters, I'll build the fires.
Mitchell: But the LogBuddy guy comes dressed as a lumberjack.
Cameron: I have a flannel shirt.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, we just created some static in these sheets, huh?
Phil: That felt amazing.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: I got all up in that dryer and fixed the hell out of it. [sighs] I feel capable of anything. You know what?
Claire: Hmm?
Phil: I'm gonna build it.
Claire: Dunphy Tower?
Phil: Dunphy Tower.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Well, if you're sure you're finally ready.
Phil: Of course I am. I just fixed the dryer.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: And it was the most satisfying thing I've ever done.
Claire: I'll just get dressed, I guess.

Quote from Jay

Phil: I don't want you to feel pressured to invest, but I want you to know this isn't a whim. I've been thinking about this a lot.
Jay: What got you off the sidelines?
Phil: This is gonna sound silly, but I fixed a dryer today. I took it all apart and swapped out the sensor.
Jay: Get out of here.
Phil: The guy wanted 350 bucks. I paid $28.
Jay: Holy cow! How come we haven't been talking about this the whole time?

Quote from Jay

Phil: Because I'm so excited about this project. I-I really think this could be a good investment.
Jay: I don't want to hear any more. You're the most cautious guy I know when it comes to business. If you think this is a slam dunk, I'm in.
Phil: Really? 'Cause I have an offer ready to go. You say the word, I hit "send."
Jay: Do it. I've been looking for investment opportunities. If you're confident, I'm confident.
Phil: [click] [chuckles]
Jay: Because you know what I'd do to you if you blew my money. [chuckles]

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: All right, you are about to get an important lesson on self-reliance, young lady.
Lily: I know he's serious when he calls me "young lady."
Mitchell: My dad did the same thing.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. Okay, no more doing chores with our phones. We are going to get our hands dirty. And, Mitchell, you're gonna start right here and manscape this.
Mitchell: Really?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. And guess what you're gonna do?
Lily: Can I be in charge of watering the cement like the gardener?
Cameron: Nope. You're gonna get down on your hands and knees and pick weeds.
Lily: Aw!
Cameron: Aw! You you know what I had to do when I was your age? I had to crawl through a cornfield and pick up rocks. That's right. I couldn't even have breakfast until I picked 100. I'd strap a flashlight to my head, and off I'd go. One rock, two rocks, three rocks. [leaves rustling]
Mitchell: Oh, my God! [insects buzzing]
Cameron: It's called dramatic tension.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: It's called a beehive.
Cameron: What?!
Mitchell: Right, right there. Yep. Mm-hmm.
Cameron: Oh. Oh, no. It's worse. Those are wasps.
Mitchell: Oh, I hate wasps! [to a man passing by] No, not you, Mr. Fletcher.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria? Phil got me to invest in a mini-mall, so you might want to dial back on the shoe purchases for a while.
Gloria: One second, one second. "Place order." What did you say, baby?

Quote from Manny

Jay: Let me show you out, although you sound like you know the place pretty good already.
Manny: Hey, Jay, I've got a date Friday night. Can I borrow your car?
Jay: Sure, you can borrow your mother's car. Who's the lucky girl?
Coach Gary: Rachel Caputo. She and Manny work on the school paper together. Extra, extra, she's a cutie.
Manny: Thanks for your help.
Coach Gary: Hey, I just played the ukulele. You sang the song.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I need a scotch and a James Bond marathon.
Manny: You may be out of luck. The TV wasn't working a minute ago.
Jay: Sounds like the satellite dish. Big Hands probably messed it up poking around in my gutters.

Quote from Haley

Charles Dumont: Thank you all for coming. Who here wants to go to Paris right now?
Claire: Moi!
Charles Dumont: No. We're not getting on a plane. We'll be transported by these humble ingredients.
Claire: How great is he?
Haley: So great. Listen to everything he says.

Quote from Haley

Charles Dumont: Look to your left. Look to your right. Before this class is through, all of you will know how to make herb-roasted chicken!
Claire: Ohh! I know this recipe. I could make this chicken in my sleep.
Haley: How about we try it awake?

Quote from Claire

Charles Dumont: Let's start with the most important ingredient thyme. That's right. It's time to chop thyme.
Claire: He's just like he is on TV.
Haley: Yeah.
Charles Dumont: Thyme and chicken play together very well, unlike dogs and chickens. Tragic story my rescue whippet and I live next to an urban farm and- Oh, my, do you mind if I use this as an example?
Claire: Oh! Avec pleasure.
Charles Dumont: See how she's chopped it stems and all? That's wrong. Sloppiness like this can ruin a dish.
Claire: Oh. I had no idea. I suppose when it comes to herbs, though, you're something of a sage.
Charles Dumont: That's clever.
Claire: Thank you.
Charles Dumont: You can't eat clever.

Quote from Luke

Phil: [answering phone] Luke, what's up?
Luke: Dad? I think something's wrong with the dryer.
Phil: But I-I fixed it. I fixed it good. I'll be right there.
Luke: Hurry! I think it's leaving.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Can I take a picture of this? Sometimes my friends don't believe my stories.
Mitchell: There's got to be a better way of doing this.
Cameron: On the contrary, Mitchell. It's simplicity itself. I dislodge the nest. It falls into the trash can. You close the lid.
Mitchell: Then we just have a barrel full of angry wasps.
Cameron: Which we swiftly transport to a farm upstate where they'll be much happier.
Lily: Ooh, they'll see my friend's dog.
Cameron: Yeah, just like that.

Quote from Haley

Charles Dumont: I may have to change the name of this side dish to "potatoes au great-in."
Haley: I'm not hearing a difference.
Claire: Great.

Quote from Claire

Charles Dumont: Oh, this is unique.
Claire: Yes, thank you very much. You know how on your show you were always taking chances and trusting your instincts? Well, that is what I did.
Charles Dumont: That's because I have good instincts.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Charles Dumont: What's something you do well?
Claire: Cook?
Charles Dumont: No.
Haley: Uh, Mom, I think what he's trying to say is that you should more closely follow his recipe. You know, use the ingredients that he mentions. Measure stuff. Right?
Charles Dumont: Not at all. As I say in the foreword of my third book, "Who Can't Cook?," "Some people can't cook." Don't feel bad. Gourmet cooking is tough, though not as tough as your chicken.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Wait a second. I have been making this food for my family for months now. I make a big meal every Sunday. I'm a working mom. It's my one chance a week to give my family something and make up for the time I haven't spent with them. Are you telling me that I have been giving my family garbage? Wait, uh Haley, honey, have I been serving you garbage?
Haley: Um...
[aside to camera:]
Haley: What do you think I said?
[flashback:]
Haley: She is the best cook ever. We love all of her meals.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Back on the farm, every time we would take down a wasp nest, I would get stung.
Mitchell: Something you might have mentioned.
Cameron: And never once did I need fancy medicine. Just a little mud. That's right, Lily. Daddy's being self-reliant.
Mitchell: What do you think the chances are he means actual mud?
Lily: Pretty good.
Cameron: Like my Aunt Dot said, "Whether it's bee stings or back aches, a little mud is good for what ails you."
Mitchell: I don't remember meeting an Aunt Dot
Cameron: She died.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: 15 minutes later.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right. I thought I'd make you a little bit- Oh, my God!
Cameron: What? My face? Is it bad? It feels bad.
Mitchell: It looks a little like you stared directly into the Lost Ark.
Cameron: I want to see.
Mitchell: You don't.
Cameron: Do you think maybe me putting mud on it made it worse?
Mitchell: I don't know how putting dirt directly into a wound...

Quote from Claire

Phil: Gil Thorpe made a backup offer. He was just trying to scare me away.
Claire: Oh! I am so proud of you! Wow. Looks like the both of us had a little crisis of confidence today. [inhales sharply] In that cooking class...
Phil: Yes?
Claire: Yes, well, Chef Dumont had the audacity to tell me that I can't cook.
Phil: Huh.
Claire: Luckily, this one was there to straighten him out. I'm gonna make you a celebratory dinner. I think I've got most of the ingredients.
Phil: [chuckling] I can't wait! [to Haley] You had one job.

Quote from Jay

Coach Gary: Give me your hand.
Jay: Help me down. We'll get a few drinks, and we'll talk business. Gary's Gazebos. Gazebos by Gary.
Coach Gary: Gary's Gazebos and Sheds.
Jay: You don't need me.

Quote from Gloria

[After watching the commercial for Gary's Gazebos and Sheds:]
Jay: We own 10% of that, you know.
Gloria: How much money did you put into the businesses?
Jay: Well, you can't take it with you.
Gloria: Well, we'll all still be here!


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