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‘Do It Yourself’ Quotes

Modern Family: Do It Yourself

813. Do It Yourself

Aired February 15, 2017

Feeling warm and fuzzy after successfully fixing the dryer, Phil decides it's finally time to take the plunge and fulfil his dream of building a commercial property, "Dunphy Tower". Claire is obsessed with a TV chef and has been "treating" her family to less-than-stellar recreations of his recipes. Cameron and Mitchell feel they have become too reliant on technology to solve their problems, so they decide to teach Lily the importance of hard work. Meanwhile, Jay feels like he's being replaced when Gloria hires Coach Gary (Payton Manning) to help Joe train for Little League.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Dunphy Tower: My first commercial real-estate development. I've been dreaming of building it since I was a kid, and now it's all happening. Well, minus the trampoline park on the roof and the tunnel to my best friend's house. I am still holding out hope for a fireman's pole that takes you to the parking garage.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't know how I got stuck. I've been on roofs since I was 14 and discovered it was the best way to see into Ethel Burkin's bedroom. Older gal. 50s, I think. Today you probably wouldn't give her a second look, but this was before the Internet. It was either that or a Sears catalog.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I come from a long line of handy men. My dad used to fix everything lawnmowers, cars, our cat. So it made sense that I tackled the clothes dryer after the repair guy tried to rip me off.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I guess these are clean enough.
Phil: I'll have this thing running in no time, honey. I have an instructional video, and I'm labeling each part as I take it out. "Right-back corner. Tiny elbow-y thingy. My right. Dryer left."

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What the hell's going on here, Gloria? I feel like I died. I'm watching my family as a ghost.
Gloria: Don't be silly. If that happened, I would have changed all this furniture.

Quote from Jay

Jay: This is crazy. A kid's supposed to learn this stuff from his dad baseball, how to drive a car, how to fight a guy from Jersey. If you think you took his knife-
Joe: He's got another one.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hi. Can I help you?
Asian woman: I'm here for Lily.
Cameron: [voice breaking] I always knew this day would come.
Mitchell: Probably not what she's here for.

Quote from Claire

Phil: I fixed the dryer, Claire, and you get to be here for the moment of truth.
Claire: [to Luke, who's holding a fire extinguisher] Pull the pin. It works. I had no idea you were so good with your hands. Very manly.
Phil: I pinched my thumb with a pair of pliers earlier. Not a peep.
Claire: Luke, Daddy and I need to go upstairs to discuss something in private.
Luke: Just go. You're ruining sex for me.

Quote from Jay

Phil: [imitating drum roll] Ta-da!
Jay: Phil, I know where we are. I drove.
Phil: You know what this is, but I'm about to tell you what this could be.
Jay: This is my least-favorite way of talking.

Quote from Jay

Phil: You are standing on the site of the future Dunphy Tower. A quarter acre of mixed-use space in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood.
Jay: Commercial real estate, huh? This is a departure for you.
Phil: I thought about it down to the last detail. Imagine a happy worker coming down from their transit-friendly office for a fancy coffee beverage or yoga, and what's that over there?
Jay: A doll's foot, I hope.
Phil: A farm-to-table dog bakery.
Jay: Ooh, Stella and I went to one of those in Solvang. She got a quiche. It looked so good, I almost split it with her.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I was gonna fix that, anyway.
Gloria: Ay. Like you were going to clean the gutter? Coach Gary did it already.
Coach Gary: It really wasn't a problem. I'm not afraid of heights, and I've got big hands.
Jay: Those are fun details.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: It's like the guy was trying to steal my life. I wish he'd shown up when I was married to Dede. I would have made him a key.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Freeze! Police!
Phil: I'm a Realtor. I'm not a criminal.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, well, then you're not doing it right.
Phil: Hey, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: If one of your clients is actually thinking about buying this minefield, that would be their second bad decision. First was hiring you.
Phil: Yeah, I got it.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: You're not gonna push one of your clients into this swamp, are you?
Phil: Maybe it just needs a developer with a little vision.
Gil Thorpe: Very little vision and no sense of smell. I mean, this neighborhood makes El Segundo seem like a Sephora.
Phil: It's in transition.
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, it's turning into Fallujah. I'm out of here before I get jacked. You gonna be around here for a while?
Phil: I might.
Gil Thorpe: Maybe you can score me some methadone. [laughs]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay! Jay!
Jay: I'm up here.
Gloria: [to the heavens] Ay, Dios mío! Your time was too short!

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm on the roof.
Gloria: Ah. Oh, okay. So come down because the TV's working already.
Jay: You know, I'm kind of enjoying hanging out up here. I I'll be down in a little bit. Hey, if Joe wants to work on his throwing arm, maybe he can toss up, uh, an empty bottle.
Gloria: Are you stuck up there?
Jay: Stuck? No! I can come down whenever I want to. I just have to dangle my body out over the edge and then reach blindly for that top rung of the ladder you're not supposed to use. But I'll be in in a little bit. I got a few things I got to do. Got to maintain the roof. It's your house's hat.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, Cam, that sting looks really bad. We we should get you to a doctor.
Cameron: A doctor for a wasp sting? Yes, let's put on our top hats and eat crumpets while we're on our way.

Quote from Jay

Coach Gary: Give me your hand.
Jay: Why? So you can show me up again?
Coach Gary: What are you talking about?
Jay: Give it a rest. You come in here with your young shoulders, your ukulele.
Coach Gary: I'm not trying to show you up, Jay. I'm trying to impress you.
Jay: Why the heck would you want to do that?
Coach Gary: I guess you could say that, like you, I'm stranded in my own way.
Jay: This is my least-favorite way of talking.

Quote from Jay

Coach Gary: I got to tell you, Jay, I'm over the whole sports thing.
Jay: But you just won the championship.
Coach Gary: Exactly. And there's no more Dragons to slay. That's the team we beat last year. the Baby Blue Dragons.
Jay: I'm not seeing how I figure into this.
Coach Gary: I want to start my own business. You've been so successful. I was thinking maybe you could be my mentor.
Jay: What line of work?
Coach Gary: Pre-fab gazebos.
Jay: Nice! Every backyard could be its own town square.
Coach Gary: I knew you'd get it. After all, what's a gazebo but [together] an outdoor closet?
Jay: You're all right, Coach Gary.


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