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50Quotes from ‘Disneyland’

Modern Family: Disneyland

322. Disneyland

Aired May 9, 2012

When the whole Pritchett clan visit Disneyland, Phil struggles to keep up with Luke, Claire tries to set Haley up with a young man, Jay and Gloria disagree about her choice of shoes, and Mitchell and Cameron try to keep Lily from running off.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] We're doing a stock market project in school, and today's the last day. We all get a thousand fake dollars to invest, and as the market closed yesterday, I'm in the lead. I may not be the tallest or the most athletic, but someday I will be the richest, which is good because the ladies love that, and I've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] When Claire and Mitchell were young, their mom and I were gonna take them to Disneyland. But that morning, Dede and I got in this huge fight over something or other - surprise, surprise - and I ended up taking them on my own. Claire's biggest fear was running into the evil queen. My biggest fear was that I married her.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, everybody's looking at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at whole foods.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Okay, what is this?
Luke: We're making sure I'm tall enough to ride all the rides at Disneyland. Without having to spike up my hair.
Phil: Buddy, we are good to go.
Luke: Sweet!
Phil: I have been waiting for this day ever since the doctor pointed to the ultrasound of your mom's womb and said, "Either that's a fifth limb, or you got a boy."

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: You know, I haven't been here since dad brought us when we were kids.
Claire: Oh, yeah. Remember? You cried in the Abraham Lincoln thing.
Jay: Hey, he's a great president, and it was the first robot I ever saw.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Look, Reuben, I have some underperfming stocks I have to unload, and I don't have access to a computer. Log in as moneydelgado-
Gloria: Manny!
Manny: By all means, Reuben, go get a popsicle while the Nikkei closes. I wanna be a pauper. Mom, my stocks just took a dive.
Gloria: Your phone is about to take a dive.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] You know what the fight with Dede was about? I taped a football game over an episode of "Dallas." Who bails on a family trip to Disneyland over something like that? Ironically, Dallas was playing in the game. And I remember pointing that out to her, and then I remember a video cassette flying at my head.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, I don't care what people think. If I thought it would keep my daughter safe, I would have a kangaroo pouch sewn into my midriff.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: That's gonna work out really well for you as a single parent. Okay, we just got a glare from Mr. Socks-with-sandals. All right, that's it. Lily, I'm gonna take off this leash.
Cameron: I think it's a mistake.
Mitchell: But I don't want you to run away, 'cause that would be very, very unsafe, and if we lost you, you'd be very scared, and we'd be very sad. Okay?
Lily: Okay.
Mitchell: All right. See, Cam? You treat her like a human being and she acts like one.
Lily: Chip 'n Dale!
Cameron: Oh, great. Now she's chasing squirrels.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Reuben, if you heard about that stock at a birthday party, it's already too late.

Quote from Claire

Claire: All I'm saying is, it seemed like you were pretty into Ethan until Dylan showed up.
Haley: Don't get me wrong. Ethan's nice, but he's no Dylan.
Claire: Maybe that's a good thing?
Haley: Why? Because Dylan's a free spirit? He's too edgy for you? He plays by his own rules?
Claire: Oh, my God.
Haley: What?
Claire: I beg of you to turn around and experience with me the greatest moment of my life. Your rebel boyfriend's a Dapper Dan.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I remember I was on Pirates of the Caribbean, and this whole fight with Dede was really eating at me. And there was this angry animatronic wench with a rolling pin, chasing some poor pirate around. They were on a track, running in circles, so he could never get away from her. And I remember thinking, I can't save you, buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Dad, we can always find cool stuff to do. Even if you're old and in a wheelchair, I'll take you to the mall and push you as fast as you wanna go.
Phil: Really? You'd do that?
Luke: Heck, yeah. And we'll pop some wheelies, too.
Phil: That sounds fun.
Luke: And I'll take you to the top of a huge hill and just let go.
Phil: Okay, we'll nail down the specifics later, but that that's really nice.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, Cam, I got her. We're in Fantasyland. Where are you? Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS. [hangs up] Thank you. All right, honey, come here. [leashes Lily]
Lily: I don't like this thing.
Mitchell: Yeah? Well, I don't like running like a crazy person through Downton Disney- Downtown Disney.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, you don't sound very happy for a kid that is flying an elephant.
Manny: I lost to Durkas. It's not fair. He wanted to buy IBM because he thought it was funny to say.
Gloria: Well, I'm glad that you lost. Fake money has changed you. Where is the Manny that used to stop to smell the roses?
Manny: He took a bath on a solar start-up in San Jose.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] So my plan was, drive Claire and Mitchell home, put them to bed, pour myself a big tumbler of scotch, and tell Dede it was over. But on the way out, we made one last stop.
[cut to:]
President Lincoln: If destruction be our lot, we ourselves must be its author and finisher. As a nation of free men, we must live through all times.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. Now that's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me.
President Lincoln: And in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.
Jay: So I stuck it out until they were grown.
Gloria: [o.s.] Jay, you want to join me in the jacuzzi?
Jay: And the universe rewarded me.

Quote from Claire

Claire: All right I want everybody to eat a lot at home because "the happiest place on earth" is also home to the most expensive churro on Earth.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Really? Those shoes? What? Do you know how much walking you have to do at Disneyland? Why do you think they have so many fat people on scooters?
Gloria: I like wearing the high heels. I'm fine.
Jay: It's just like that jacket you refuse to bring when I say, "Take a jacket." [as Gloria] "Don't tell me what to do! I'm fine!" Huh? And you're not fine. You're cold and shivering, and I look like the jerk who won't give his wife a jacket, so I do, and then I'm cold and shivering, and I brought a jacket.
Gloria: Are you done with your boring jacket story? Because we're going to hit traffic.
Jay: Tell you one thing. I'm not gonna give you my shoes.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Ah! That must be Ethan.
Haley: Who's Ethan?
Claire: Didn't I tell you? My friend Bethenny's nephew is coming with us today. He moved to town to go to college. He's very nice, very smart, big hockey player.
Haley: I know what you're doing.
Alex: Really? She was so subtle.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Haley has a thing for bad boys, which was so me.
Phil: Clearly.
Claire: So if she's going to be leaving the nest soon, we'd prefer it was not on the back of a motorcycle.
Phil: My college roommate had a motorcycle. Man, I had some good times on the back of that thing.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Hi, Ethan! I'm so glad you could make it.
Ethan: Thanks for inviting me.
Claire: Sure.
Alex: Hi. I'm Al-
Haley: My 14-year-old sister. Ethan, was it?

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: She likes him!
Cameron: Yeah, who wouldn't? Where'd you find him, a Tommy Hilfiger catalog? [laughs]
Claire: He got a 2200 on his S.A.T.s. And those eyes.
Mitchell: Okay, did you get him for Haley or for you?
Claire: Mitchell.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Okay, people over 46 inches, first stop: Indiana Jones!
Luke: Have fun on the teacups, Lily.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, okay, wait just a second here, everybody. All right.
Gloria: Is that a leash?
Cameron: No, it's a child safety tether. This way, sweetie.
Mitchell: It- It's a leash. Don't- Don't judge us.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] We have a runner.
Mitchell: Lily is going through a phase- At least- Oh, we hope it's a phase.
Cameron: She bolts every chance she gets. So we had no choice to put her on a child safety tether.
Mitchell: It's a leash. And we did have a choice.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Lily, sweetie, don't pull.
Jay: Lily, heel!
Mitchell: Dad.
Jay: If I'd had known you guys were gonna do this, I'd have brought Stella.
Mitchell: It was Cam's idea.
Cameron: So much for the united front. I'll have you know, despite all your jokes, Lily enjoys it.
Lily: Woof. Woof.
Cameron: Okay, sweetie, you're not helping. You're not helping.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Dylan?!
Dylan: Oh. Hey!
Haley: Uh, what are you- I didn't even know you were in town.
Dylan: Either did I Know you were in town. This town. Anaheim.
Haley: I thought you were still in Wyoming.
Dylan: I was, uh... But, um... Oh, shoot. You know, I, uh, gotta meet up with some friends and I'm really late. It was nice to see you, Haley, and everybody.
Mitchell: Hi.
Dylan: And dude I don't know.
Ethan: I'm Ethan. It's nice to meet you.
Dylan: And polite dude I don't know.

Quote from Alex

Ethan: Did Haley used to date that guy or something?
Alex: Yep. You date her, that's the club you're joining.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Did you know that Ethan plays the trumpet? No great surprise with those lips of his, huh?
Mitchell: Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, buddy, moment of truth.
Luke: Yes! This is gonna be so awesome!
Luke: Yeah!
Phil: In 45 minutes, this is gonna be so awesome!
Luke: Yeah!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What do you know? Another caring parent with a child safety tether. See? We're not the only people who use them. Hi! Aren't they adorable?
Twins' Mother: Oh, and look at your cutie!
Cameron: Oh, well, yes. She just wanted to say hi.
Twins' Mother: Oh. Sorry. They're a little feisty today.
Cameron: Oh! No problem. She's friendly.
Twins' Mother: Rex, gentle.
Mitchell: Oh, his- His name's Rex, huh?

Quote from Alex

Ethan: You do not play the cello.
Alex: I do. Even geekier, I'm good.
Ethan: Okay, answer me this.
Alex: I will answer you this.
Ethan: Why do people carry cellos around? You know, people aren't expected to lug a piano around. What's the cutoff?
Alex: I know, right? Like, go where the cello is.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Oh, look at this. I think I've inadvertently set up my 14-year-old with a college boy.
Jay: The boy was your doing?
Claire: Yes. Yes, and he was perfect, and Haley was into him until, of course, we ran into Dylan. I mean, come on, dad. What are the odds of that happening?
Jay: It's a small world.
Claire: Yes, it is.
Jay: You see what I did there?
Claire: I did.
Jay: 'Cause it's a ride.
Claire: I got it. Got it, dad. I got it.

Quote from Jay

Claire: It's so frustrating because I know I can't run Haley's like for her, but if she would let me, I would be so good at it.
Jay: Right, 'cause parents always know what's best for their kids. You remember that nice girl at the office I tried to fix Mitch up with?
Claire: No offense, Dad, but I think I probably have a better sense of what my kids need than you did.
Jay: I think it's cute you think that.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Mom! It was so awesome! The jeep was jerking around and- And there was a lot of sharp turns and big drops.
Claire: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Luke: It just kept going.
Claire: Wow. [to Phil] You okay?
Phil: Great. Why wouldn't I be?
Claire: Because you're kinda leaning on me.
Phil: Well, isn't that what a marriage is?

Quote from Phil

Jay: You look like hell.
Phil: I'm feeling a little dizzy. I think that ride did something to me.
Jay: The fluid in your inner ear is thickening. That's what happens when you get old.
Phil: It is?
Jay: Yeah, you can't take the motion. I gotta pop a dramamine to get in my swivel chair.
Phil: That is not it. I'm king of the roller coasters. I think I just put too big of a whipped cream smile on my pancake this morning.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hey! How was Splash Mountain?
Gloria: It was great! Maybe we go again.
Manny: No, thanks. There was no reception in there. You know how many bars I had? Zip-a-Dee-doo-dah.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Must be nice to get out of those shoes for a minute.
Gloria: I don't know what you talking about.
Jay: Nothing. I'm just making conversation. Hey. Check it out. I bought one of those souvenir photos with you and Manny on the ride. Boy, it looks like you're having a good time. Wait a minute. What's that in your hand? Are those shoes?
Gloria: I'm not even sure that that is us, Jay.
Jay: Why are you walking around in pain? Just admit the shoes were a bad idea.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria! Gloria, sit down for a second.
Gloria: I'm fine, Jay.
Jay: Please? Look. You may not be in pain, okay, but I'm in pain just thinking you're in pain. So humor me for one minute.
Gloria: What are those?
Jay: There wasn't a big selection at the Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique.
Gloria: Are you crazy? I cannot walk around in public with these things. They're so yellow and so ugly. And and they're so softy and so comfortable. Jay, what is this? Thank you for going shopping for me. Thank you for worrying about my feet. Thank you for giving me your jacket when I'm cold. You're such a good man, Jay.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I didn't expect you to be so... so nice.
Gloria: Why are you so surprised?
Jay: Now please don't go all Latin on me when I say this. Is it possible you get angry from time to time because you're always wearing uncomfortable shoes?
Gloria: Maybe. Can you get me a couple of more? Maybe they have purple?
Jay: Whatever you want, honey.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God. He looked like those old pictures of dad from High School.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Are you okay, Dad?
Phil: No, I'm not okay. I hate to tell you this, but these rides are killing me.
Luke: But you're the king of roller coasters.
Phil: I know! Something happens when you get older. Guess you can't take it. One of my favorite things in the world is doing stupid fun stuff with you, like pogo stick basketball or trying to get a swing to go all the way around.
Luke: Next time, we should sit on a fire extinguisher.
Phil: Yes, or a bottle of Coke and some Mentos. Honestly, though, the way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if there's gonna be a next time.

Quote from Luke

Luke: So do you still wanna talk or-
Phil: No, go. Ride Space Mountain. Uh, at the end, when they take a picture, do something hilarious for both of us.
Luke: You're gonna die. When you see it, not 'cause you're old.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You have been so busy burying your face in your phone that you barely said hello to your family, you gave Winnie-the-Pooh the cold shoulder, and you haven't even noticed that pretty girl in the blue elephant that has been smiling at you.
Manny: Not my type, but still it's nice to be noticed.
Gloria: You see what happens when you're not burying your head in business?
Manny: You're right. I'll try to be more present. What the heck's on your feet?
Gloria: They're slippers. They're like pillows.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Your dad got her baby high heels, which we said we were never gonna let her wear.
Lily: I love 'em.
Cameron: You look gorgeous, sweetie. Oh, my gosh. You felt people judged us before? Wait till they meet little Miss Anaheim.
Mitchell: Who cares? Look at her. She can barely move. Thank you, Dad.
Jay: You know what? She's got pretty good gams for a 3-year-old.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: [in Little John costume] Haley! It's me. Dylan. I'm in the bear suit. I borrowed it to talk to you.
Haley: Why are you dancing like that?
Dylan: This is what Little John does. Maybe. I don't know what movie this dude is from. I'm not even supposed to be talking to you.
Haley: Well, I'm not talking to you.
Dylan: No, you can talk.
Haley: I know, but I'm mad. You came back to town and didn't even call me.
Dylan: I was embarrassed. I lost my job at the dude ranch, and I wanted to get my act together first.
Haley: But the four dweebs on a bike act?
Dylan: Hey, the Dapper Dans are a main street tradition since 1959.

Quote from Dylan

Ethan: Hey, what's going on?
Haley: Nothing.
Dylan: [in Little John costume] I still love her, Ethan.
Ethan: Okay, how do you know my name?
Dylan: It's Dylan. Look, I don't wanna harsh your day, but I never stopped loving Haley and I never will!
Ethan: Is this some sort of joke?
Dylan: Do I look like I'm joking?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, you don't look like you're doing very well.
Phil: Maybe because I officially became an old man back there at Thunder Mountain.
Claire: Oh, my goodness. You are burning up. You might have the flu.
Phil: A bunch of guys at work had the flu, and we all drink orange juice out of the same carton. We should get cups. Luke, did you hear that?! I have the flu!
Jay: Glad we didn't share that pickle.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: Where's Ethan?
Haley: Oh, he's staying. He ran into some friends. But Dylan got fired, so don't freak out. We have to give him a ride home. And we're back together.
Dylan: Yay.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, no one goes home till we hit the Lincoln thing.
Luke: Yawn.
Claire: Don't even try to fight it.
Mitchell: Yeah, he made us go when we were kids.
Jay: Come on, people! It's a robotic president! What's not to love?
Luke: A robotic president?


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