Manny: [aside to camera] We're doing a stock market project in school, and today's the last day. We all get a thousand fake dollars to invest, and as the market closed yesterday, I'm in the lead. I may not be the tallest or the most athletic, but someday I will be the richest. Which is good because the ladies love that, and I've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

Jay: [aside to camera] When Claire and Mitchell were young, their mom and I were gonna take them to Disneyland. But that morning, Dede and I got in this huge fight over something or other - surprise, surprise - and I ended up taking them on my own. Claire's biggest fear was running into the evil queen. My biggest fear was that I married her.

Mitchell: Okay, everybody's looking at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.

Alex: Okay, what is this?
Luke: We're making sure I'm tall enough to ride all the rides at Disneyland. Without having to spike up my hair.
Phil: Buddy, we are good to go.
Luke: Sweet!
Phil: I have been waiting for this day ever since the doctor pointed to the ultrasound of your mom's womb and said, "Either that's a fifth limb, or..."

Mitchell: You know, I haven't been here since dad brought us when we were kids.
Claire: Oh, yeah. Remember? You cried in the Abraham Lincoln thing.
Jay: Hey, he's a great president, and it was the first robot I ever saw.

Manny: Look, Reuben, I have some underperfming stocks I have to unload, and I don't have access to a computer. Log in as moneydelgado-
Gloria: Manny!
Manny: By all means, Reuben, go get a popsicle while the Nikkei closes. I wanna be a pauper. Mom, my stocks just took a dive.
Gloria: Your phone is about to take a dive.

Jay: [aside to camera] You know what the fight with Dede was about? I taped a football game over an episode of "Dallas." Who bails on a family trip to Disneyland over something like that? Ironically, Dallas was playing in the game. And I remember pointing that out to her, and then I remember a video cassette flying at my head.

Cameron: You know, I don't care what people think. If I thought it would keep my daughter safe, I would have a kangaroo pouch sewn into my midriff.

Mitchell: That's gonna work out really well for you as a single parent. Okay, we just got a glare from Mr. Socks-with-sandals. All right, that's it. Lily, I'm gonna take off this leash.
Cameron: I think it's a mistake.
Mitchell: But I don't want you to run away, 'cause that would be very, very unsafe, and if we lost you, you'd be very scared, and we'd be very sad. Okay?
Lily: Okay.
Mitchell: All right. See, Cam? You treat her like a human being and she acts like one.
Lily: Chip 'n Dale!
Cameron: Oh, great. Now she's chasing squirrels.

Manny: Reuben, if you heard about that stock at a birthday party, it's already too late.