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‘Disneyland’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Disneyland

322. Disneyland

Aired May 9, 2012

When the whole Pritchett clan visit Disneyland, Phil struggles to keep up with Luke, Claire tries to set Haley up with a young man, Jay and Gloria disagree about her choice of shoes, and Mitchell and Cameron try to keep Lily from running off.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] We're doing a stock market project in school, and today's the last day. We all get a thousand fake dollars to invest, and as the market closed yesterday, I'm in the lead. I may not be the tallest or the most athletic, but someday I will be the richest. Which is good because the ladies love that, and I've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] When Claire and Mitchell were young, their mom and I were gonna take them to Disneyland. But that morning, Dede and I got in this huge fight over something or other - surprise, surprise - and I ended up taking them on my own. Claire's biggest fear was running into the evil queen. My biggest fear was that I married her.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, everybody's looking at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Okay, what is this?
Luke: We're making sure I'm tall enough to ride all the rides at Disneyland. Without having to spike up my hair.
Phil: Buddy, we are good to go.
Luke: Sweet!
Phil: I have been waiting for this day ever since the doctor pointed to the ultrasound of your mom's womb and said, "Either that's a fifth limb, or you got a boy."

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: You know, I haven't been here since dad brought us when we were kids.
Claire: Oh, yeah. Remember? You cried in the Abraham Lincoln thing.
Jay: Hey, he's a great president, and it was the first robot I ever saw.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Look, Reuben, I have some underperfming stocks I have to unload, and I don't have access to a computer. Log in as moneydelgado-
Gloria: Manny!
Manny: By all means, Reuben, go get a popsicle while the Nikkei closes. I wanna be a pauper. Mom, my stocks just took a dive.
Gloria: Your phone is about to take a dive.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] You know what the fight with Dede was about? I taped a football game over an episode of "Dallas." Who bails on a family trip to Disneyland over something like that? Ironically, Dallas was playing in the game. And I remember pointing that out to her, and then I remember a video cassette flying at my head.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, I don't care what people think. If I thought it would keep my daughter safe, I would have a kangaroo pouch sewn into my midriff.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: That's gonna work out really well for you as a single parent. Okay, we just got a glare from Mr. Socks-with-sandals. All right, that's it. Lily, I'm gonna take off this leash.
Cameron: I think it's a mistake.
Mitchell: But I don't want you to run away, 'cause that would be very, very unsafe, and if we lost you, you'd be very scared, and we'd be very sad. Okay?
Lily: Okay.
Mitchell: All right. See, Cam? You treat her like a human being and she acts like one.
Lily: Chip 'n Dale!
Cameron: Oh, great. Now she's chasing squirrels.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Reuben, if you heard about that stock at a birthday party, it's already too late.

Quote from Claire

Claire: All I'm saying is, it seemed like you were pretty into Ethan until Dylan showed up.
Haley: Don't get me wrong. Ethan's nice, but he's no Dylan.
Claire: Maybe that's a good thing?
Haley: Why? Because Dylan's a free spirit? He's too edgy for you? He plays by his own rules?
Claire: Oh, my God.
Haley: What?
Claire: I beg of you to turn around and experience with me the greatest moment of my life. Your rebel boyfriend's a Dapper Dan.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I remember I was on Pirates of the Caribbean, and this whole fight with Dede was really eating at me. And there was this angry animatronic wench with a rolling pin, chasing some poor pirate around. They were on a track, running in circles, so he could never get away from her. And I remember thinking, I can't save you, buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Dad, we can always find cool stuff to do. Even if you're old and in a wheelchair, I'll take you to the mall and push you as fast as you wanna go.
Phil: Really? You'd do that?
Luke: Heck, yeah. And we'll pop some wheelies, too.
Phil: That sounds fun.
Luke: And I'll take you to the top of a huge hill and just let go.
Phil: Okay, we'll nail down the specifics later, but that that's really nice.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, Cam, I got her. We're in Fantasyland. Where are you? Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS. [hangs up] Thank you. All right, honey, come here. [leashes Lily]
Lily: I don't like this thing.
Mitchell: Yeah? Well, I don't like running like a crazy person through Downton Disney- Downtown Disney.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, you don't sound very happy for a kid that is flying an elephant.
Manny: I lost to Durkas. It's not fair. He wanted to buy IBM because he thought it was funny to say.
Gloria: Well, I'm glad that you lost. Fake money has changed you. Where is the Manny that used to stop to smell the roses?
Manny: He took a bath on a solar start-up in San Jose.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] So my plan was, drive Claire and Mitchell home, put them to bed, pour myself a big tumbler of scotch, and tell Dede it was over. But on the way out, we made one last stop.
[cut to:]
President Lincoln: If destruction be our lot, we ourselves must be its author and finisher. As a nation of free men, we must live through all times.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. Now that's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me.
President Lincoln: And in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.
Jay: So I stuck it out until they were grown.
Gloria: [o.s.] Jay, you want to join me in the jacuzzi?
Jay: And the universe rewarded me.

Quote from Claire

Claire: All right I want everybody to eat a lot at home because "the happiest place on earth" is also home to the most expensive churro on Earth.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Really? Those shoes? What? Do you know how much walking you have to do at Disneyland? Why do you think they have so many fat people on scooters?
Gloria: I like wearing the high heels. I'm fine.
Jay: It's just like that jacket you refuse to bring when I say, "Take a jacket." [as Gloria] "Don't tell me what to do! I'm fine!" Huh? And you're not fine. You're cold and shivering, and I look like the jerk who won't give his wife a jacket, so I do, and then I'm cold and shivering, and I brought a jacket.
Gloria: Are you done with your boring jacket story? Because we're going to hit traffic.
Jay: Tell you one thing. I'm not gonna give you my shoes.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Ah! That must be Ethan.
Haley: Who's Ethan?
Claire: Didn't I tell you? My friend Bethenny's nephew is coming with us today. He moved to town to go to college. He's very nice, very smart, big hockey player.
Haley: I know what you're doing.
Alex: Really? She was so subtle.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Haley has a thing for bad boys, which was so me.
Phil: Clearly.
Claire: So if she's going to be leaving the nest soon, we'd prefer it was not on the back of a motorcycle.
Phil: My college roommate had a motorcycle. Man, I had some good times on the back of that thing.

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