Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Phil: Hey. I just ran into Dylan. He told me what happened between you two.
Haley: Look, whatever he said...
Phil: Relax. I know you kissed him again.
Haley: Okay.
Phil: You clearly inherited the power of the Dunphy kiss. Take it from me. That can really mess with a man.

Dylan: Anyway, I just want to talk to her, and she won't return my calls.
Phil: She's ghosting you?
Dylan: For an older dude, you always kept up with the lingo.
Phil: Word.
Phil: Aw, I'm sorry, man. You're a good guy. You deserve better than being ghosted. I'll talk to her.
Dylan: You'd do that for me?
Phil: Yeah, I'll throw her a gab. You stab me?
Dylan: Huh?
Phil: Darn it. I think Luke's messing with me.

Jay: [aside to camera] So, it turns out Manny's fake Canadian girlfriend is real and annoying. Until he goes back to school, she's staying here and auditioning to be an improv star, just like, you know, no one ever.

Jay: Gloria, quick question... why is that person still here?
Gloria: Ay! I didn't tell you?
Jay: Don't even.
Gloria: The college won't let Sherry live in the dorm with Manny, so she's gonna stay here. I am going to make a delicious sandwich. You want one?
Jay: I don't want a sandwich. I want her out of my house. And I kind of want a sandwich.

Gloria: This is Manny's first serious relationship. I used to tell him, "I know that one day you're gonna find a woman that will appreciate all your gifts." But I didn't know.

Jay: You're saying you don't find her annoying?
Gloria: No. I think she's funny. And don't worry. She's only gonna stay here until she can support herself doing improv.
Jay: Well, put her name on the answering machine, 'cause she's not going anywhere. We're only lucky enough to get one Wayne Brady in a lifetime.

Phil: Well, Dylan's a sensitive guy. After all your history together, he deserves to know where he stands. You should talk to him.
Haley: Fine. I'll tell him to come over.
Phil: Use the blowfish emoji. It means, "Brace yourself for some bad news."
Haley: No, it doesn't.
Phil: Luke.

Cameron: Oh, Cal, Cal, Cal, Cal! No, you're spilling all over the floor! Hey, Lily, can you watch where you're going?
Lily: Yeah, I'm the problem.
Cameron: Now we're gonna have to change his shoes. No, he can't wear his other shoes because he scribbled on those in crayon and it looks like a swastika, and in this day and age...
Mitchell: Not just this day and age.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Another Assistant District Attorney in my office, Trent, invited us over for lunch, which is great because he is looking for a second chair on a very high-profile case, and I want in.
Cameron: You know, I was second-chair washboard in the Grasshopper High School orchestra. Go on.
Mitchell: So, Trent and I have so much in common. His husband works in a school, just like Cam, and they have two young kids. I mean, if there was a gay lawyer dating site, we'd be a perfect match.
Cameron: It could be called HungJuries.com.
Mitchell: Good. So, get all that out before we go.