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36Quotes from ‘Torn Between Two Lovers’

Modern Family: Torn Between Two Lovers

1004. Torn Between Two Lovers

Aired October 17, 2018

Haley must finally make a decision between her relationship with Arvin or starting things up with Dylan again. Jay and Gloria are getting fed up with Manny's boyfriend, Sherry, who is staying at their house as she tries to break into improv. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron regret taking Lily and Cal along when they visit Mitchell's colleague.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey. I just ran into Dylan. He told me what happened between you two.
Haley: Look, whatever he said...
Phil: Relax. I know you kissed him again.
Haley: Okay.
Phil: You clearly inherited the power of the Dunphy kiss. Take it from me. That can really mess with a man.

Quote from Phil

Dylan: Anyway, I just want to talk to her, and she won't return my calls.
Phil: She's ghosting you?
Dylan: For an older dude, you always kept up with the lingo.
Phil: Word.
Phil: Aw, I'm sorry, man. You're a good guy. You deserve better than being ghosted. I'll talk to her.
Dylan: You'd do that for me?
Phil: Yeah, I'll throw her a gab. You stab me?
Dylan: Huh?
Phil: Darn it. I think Luke's messing with me.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] So, it turns out Manny's fake Canadian girlfriend is real and annoying. Until he goes back to school, she's staying here and auditioning to be an improv star, just like, you know, no one ever.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, quick question... why is that person still here?
Gloria: Ay! I didn't tell you?
Jay: Don't even.
Gloria: The college won't let Sherry live in the dorm with Manny, so she's gonna stay here. I am going to make a delicious sandwich. You want one?
Jay: I don't want a sandwich. I want her out of my house. And I kind of want a sandwich.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: This is Manny's first serious relationship. I used to tell him, "I know that one day you're gonna find a woman that will appreciate all your gifts." But I didn't know.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You're saying you don't find her annoying?
Gloria: No. I think she's funny. And don't worry. She's only gonna stay here until she can support herself doing improv.
Jay: Well, put her name on the answering machine, 'cause she's not going anywhere. We're only lucky enough to get one Wayne Brady in a lifetime.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, Dylan's a sensitive guy. After all your history together, he deserves to know where he stands. You should talk to him.
Haley: Fine. I'll tell him to come over.
Phil: Use the blowfish emoji. It means, "Brace yourself for some bad news."
Haley: No, it doesn't.
Phil: Luke.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, Cal, Cal, Cal, Cal! No, you're spilling all over the floor! Hey, Lily, can you watch where you're going?
Lily: Yeah, I'm the problem.
Cameron: Now we're gonna have to change his shoes. No, he can't wear his other shoes because he scribbled on those in crayon and it looks like a swastika, and in this day and age...
Mitchell: Not just this day and age.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Another Assistant District Attorney in my office, Trent, invited us over for lunch, which is great because he is looking for a second chair on a very high-profile case, and I want in.
Cameron: You know, I was second-chair washboard in the Grasshopper High School orchestra. Go on.
Mitchell: So, Trent and I have so much in common. His husband works in a school, just like Cam, and they have two young kids. I mean, if there was a gay lawyer dating site, we'd be a perfect match.
Cameron: It could be called HungJuries.com.
Mitchell: Good. So, get all that out before we go.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, my God, this plate is gorgeous.
Trent: Oh, thank you. Yeah, we got that in Nepal at a festival celebrating the child goddess Kumari.
Cameron: Oh, well, the closest I've been to a child goddess was my Drew Barrymore lunch box.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Look, Dylan...
Dylan: No explanation necessary, Mr. D. If you had to rough me up and take me hostage, I'm sure you had your reasons.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Listen. Uh... Arvin's here. He flew back from Switzerland to surprise Haley.
Dylan: Wow. I'm up against another grand gesture. What's he dressed as?
Phil: Nothing. Just... Just himself.
Dylan: [chuckles] I like my chances.

Quote from Haley

Arvin: Haley, I need to tell you something. I transgressed.
Haley: You were a woman?
Arvin: No. No. After you told me about your kiss, um, I headed straight to a pub frequented by other scientists and, long story short, I kissed a nuclear physicist. I know it's not PC to say, but they really are the loosest of the scientific disciplines.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What is Dylan doing here?
Phil: He's making a grand gesture. He won't leave until he talks to Haley.
Claire: Oh, my God. It was one kiss.
Phil: [chuckling] Poor, naive Claire. It was two kisses.
Claire: You have something to do with this?
Phil: Haley was ghosting him.
Claire: What does that mean?
Phil: You are so not hip.

Quote from Phil

Phil: But you should know Dylan has been putting himself through nursing school, working at the hospital, running.
Claire: You're not honestly making a case for that guy?
Phil: That guy would take a bullet for Haley.
Claire: Why are you so invested in him?
Phil: Because I was that guy! I was the underdog with every girl I ever liked.
Claire: [sighs] That's very sweet. But this isn't about you. This is about Haley being with a respected, charming scientist versus a guy who Lily convinced to eat a box of crayons.
Phil: It was one bite out of one crayon. It was only because he was blindfolded and trapped in a Chinese finger puzzle.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: I had no idea Arvin was going to be here but can we please do this another time?
Dylan: I won't have the costume another time, Haley.
Arvin: So, this is the doll you slept with.
Dylan: Hey, you're pretty handsome yourself.

Quote from Dylan

Arvin: So many questions. First, why have you snuck 'round to see the bloke you supposedly feel terrible about kissing?
Dylan: Yo, I hope this doesn't sound braggy, but for the most part, people do not feel terrible about kissing me.

Quote from Dylan

Arvin: Listen to me, my simple friend. I just spent hours in a middle seat. I suggest you get out of my space.
Dylan: Well, I suggest, next time, you ask about an exit row. It could still be a middle seat, but you'd have more leg room.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, this is a disaster.
Cameron: I know, but is any part of you still hearing "first trip to Tanzania"?
Mitchell: He was just about to offer me the case I want.
Cameron: Well, there'll be other cases.
Mitchell: No. This one involves a music producer, an escort, and illegal arms sales, okay? I want to bring them to justice. Plus, they've already sold the movie rights. I could be played by Ryan Gosling.
Cameron: That's it, honey. Aim high.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Dylan?
Dylan: Oh, Mr. D. You jog here, too?
Phil: I'm a half a block from my house. Are you wearing boots?
Dylan: Okay, this is less of a coincidence than it seems. I've been following you around for a few days. It's about Haley. I know she's in a relationship, but I love her, and I think she loves me.
Phil: Dylan, I heard about what happened. I wouldn't read too much into it. It was only one kiss.
Dylan: Uh...
Phil: Oh, no. Two kisses?
Dylan: Okay.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] I went to Dylan's house to tell him it wasn't okay that we kissed, and I ended up sleeping with him. I would go back to his house to tell him it wasn't okay we slept together, but where does that go? [chuckles]

Quote from Jay

Manny: Okay, for this next scene, Sherry will play a famous person.
Gloria: Lou Diamond Phillips!
Manny: Excellent. And, Jay, I need an occupation.
Jay: I agree.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay. His shoes are fine. They have kids. They know they ruin everything. [off Lily's look] Except your life.
Cameron: Yeah.
Lily: Nice save.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [to Cal] Uh, you can watch your truck videos.
Mitchell: Hey, don't take your eyes off of him.
Lily: So, just to be clear, I don't get any childhood?
Mitchell: Oh, please. Last week, we taught you how to make flan.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Get away from that door!
Dylan: Oh, hey, Mr. Dunphy. Ugh! Ow! You broke my heart.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Harpo, what are you doing?
Sherry: Studying you, creating a character. Imagine I'm not here.
Jay: I'm not that creative. Maybe you could help me.
Sherry: [laughing] Oh! So gruff. Love it.
Jay: I'm leaving.
Sherry: I'm leaving.
Jay: Good. You go.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: [gasps] Look at you, mis dos amigos!
Sherry: [Hispanic accent] Look at... Look at you, mis dos amigos!
Gloria: [chuckles] That does sound like me. You're so talented.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Okay, that was strange. Gloria hates when people imitate her.

Quote from Jay

Sherry: Manny, come rub my ankles, papi!
Gloria: [chuckles] Good, good. But how is your funny old man character coming?
Sherry: [GRUFF VOICE] Ugh. Somebody get me a scotch that's as stiff as my back.
Gloria: [laughs] Do that again! That's the money!
Jay: How did you know she was doing that?
Sherry: [normal voice] She is so supportive. It was her idea.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: And there it was. Gloria didn't want that weirdo here any more than I did. She just wanted me to be the bad guy. But the joke's on her, because, for short bursts of time, I can be quite nice.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Your house is so beautiful, with such nice things.
Cameron: Well, they don't have to spend their money on orthodontia, ballet lessons, and college funds.
Kieran: Yeah. The grass is greener.
Mitchell: Your grass is greener. We can't seem to get Cal to pee indoors.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Phil, what are you doing intruding on these two?
Phil: [chuckles] I just need to show Haley something in my office. I was doing a little cleaning, and I came across this old doll that used to mean a lot to her.
Haley: Can't you just get rid of the doll?
Phil: I started to, but it really seems like something you should do, you know, for closure.
Haley: You're right.
Claire: Wait. You need closure from a doll?
Arvin: That seems odd.
Haley: Well, I did sleep with that thing since I was like 16.
Phil: 16?
Arvin: 16?
Claire: Oh, no.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Dylan.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, come here! You got to see this. She's on fire. Now, check this out. I can throw anything at her, and she can make comedy gold out of it. Here. Um... John Travolta in a submarine.
Sherry: Ow! Ow!
Jay: Yeah, because a submarine is small. [laughs] You were right, Gloria. She's hilarious. Do another one. Um... T. rex in a volleyball game. [laughing] Look at that. It's hard to spike with little arms.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What is your game, old man?
Jay: Nothing. I'm loving this. My only fear is that she might hit it big and leave us.
Gloria: You think I'm an idiot? Nobody thinks that that is funny.
Jay: Be honest, you want her out of here more than I do.
Gloria: Okay, fine, but I don't want to be the mother that hates her son's girlfriend.
Jay: I don't want to be the villain anymore.
Gloria: But that's your job. I am the quiet and fun one.
Jay: Have you not heard her impression of you? It's dead-on. You want to get rid of her, you do it.
Gloria: I won't have to, because I can pretend that I like Sherry longer than you can. You will crack first.
Sherry: [Hispanic accent] You will crack first!
Gloria: Sherry, you cannot stay here.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Hey, I'm back! Guess what. All that calligraphy I've done for the dean paid off. He said you can stay with me.
Sherry: [voice breaking] Your mom just told me she hates me.
Manny: Mom, why would you say that?
Gloria: And scene!

Quote from Phil

Haley: Why can't I tell Dylan to leave?
Claire: Because you are scared of the first real, adult relationship with the perfect man, and you're clinging to the past.
Phil: Or you and Dylan have a special connection and you still love him.
Haley: Not helping. God, they're both such great guys, but they're so different. How am I supposed to choose? How did you guys do it?
Phil: Well, sweetheart, I... I'm not gonna be any help here. From the minute I met your mom, there was no choice. She was smart. She was strong. She resented her father just enough to go for a guy like me. She... She gave my life balance, and now I can't imagine it without her. Also, she's... she's crazy hot.
Haley: Mom?
Claire: Well, first of all, um, I'm a sucker for guys who say things like that. Your dad is the nicest, most positive person I know, and he always helps me find the fun in life. And, uh, he is still real easy on the peepers.
Phil: Aww. We really are lucky.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I'm sorry the juicy trial didn't work out. Are you okay?
Mitchell: Yeah. I-I guess if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have told you to bite me.
Cameron: Weird how I just went along with that, no questions. Oh, and speaking of doing it all over again, do you ever regret having kids?
Mitchell: Of course not. I mean, do I sometimes look back and wish everything was different?
Cameron: If you say "yes," that is regret.
Mitchell: Then, no, because if we didn't have them I would be Trent, an uptight lunatic who falls apart over a broken tchotchke. I mean, kids give you perspective. You realize what's important, to let go of... [glass breaks, children giggle] And there goes our last nice thing.
Cameron: Thank God we're free now.


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