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42Quotes from ‘Connection Lost’

Modern Family: Connection Lost

616. Connection Lost

Aired February 25, 2015

When her flight is delayed at the airport, Claire is in contact with the entire family through FaceTime as she struggles to reach Haley.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [answering FaceTime] What's the best first-person shooter about genetically-modified space marines? Halo!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Married! Why would I get married?
Phil: Because you're pregnant with Andy's baby!
Haley: What? Why would you think that?
Claire: [on FaceTime] Oh. Because you changed your Facebook status to "married." Then we tracked your cell phone to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
Phil: And you ordered this book.
Haley: Wow. First of all, it's called privacy. Google it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on FaceTime] I can't believe she's pregnant.
Phil: Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Claire: Jump? Let's review. She's been moody, eating weird food, getting nauseous. She left in the middle of the night for a wedding chapel in Vegas with her secret love and most suspicious of all she bought a book!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Fly safe. And remember, you can recline. It's still America up there.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on FaceTime] What if you're right? What do we do?
Claire: I don't know.
Phil: I'll kill that Andy. How could he be so irresponsible? I mean, he's a good kid. But to run off with my baby girl after I fell for his "Aw, shucks" act! Which is probably not an act because he's genuinely nice and he thinks "shucks" is the "S" word. Still, I want to kill him! But that would be robbing my grandchild of probably a really great father! Damn you, Andy Bailey!
Claire: His last name is Bailey?
Phil: Oh, my God. She's gonna be Haley Bailey.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [answering FaceTime] Hello. Can you see me?
Claire: Thumb, Dad.
Jay: [groans] The minute they got rid of rotary phones everything went to hell.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [on FaceTime] I can't get in touch with Haley. I haven't talked to her since we got in that fight. She around?
Phil: I think she slept at a friend's house.
Claire: What friend?
Phil: Um... Not a normal name, starts with a vowel, possibly foreign.
Claire: Oh, maybe Alex knows. Is she home?
Phil: Nope. I have not seen her for hours. Does Haley know an Arjibarge?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on FaceTime] Hey, Claire, did you get me some Garrett's cheese and caramel corn yet?
Claire: Oh, shoot. I forgot.
Cameron: It's the one thing you had to do in Chicago!
Claire: You are so right. I'm sorry that I let myself get distracted by my job.
Cameron: Okay, I'm looking for sweet and salty, Claire, not bitter.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: [on FaceTime] Guys, listen, yesterday did Haley mention where she was gonna go after she babysat for Lily?
Mitchell: No, but when you do talk to her, can you tell her to be careful with my powder blue suit that Cam let her borrow without asking me?
Claire: Why did she want a suit?
Cameron: A friend of hers needs it for a wedding, and Mitchell needs to stop dressing like he's in a barbershop quartet.

Quote from Alex

Claire: [on FaceTime] Can you just do me a favor and call your sister?
Alex: [snickers] If she's screening, I'm not making the cut. Why don't you just snoop on her Facebook page with your fake profile?
Claire: I don't have a fake profile.
Alex: Mom, save it. Brody Kendall just logged in. That trick might have worked on Haley, but I know that's a picture of Chachi.

Quote from Alex

Claire: [on Facetime] Dylan, focus!
Dylan: I don't know where she is, but I can sense that she's okay. It's like we share the same brain.
Alex: Who has it now?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Mom's trying to guess Haley's iCloud password which personally, I think is an invasion of her privacy. [on FaceTime] Ooh. Try "password."
Claire: I'm kind of glad that didn't work.
Phil: Wait, I think I remember telling her to use something that people wouldn't know about her - like her favorite literary character.
Claire: I'm in!
Alex: What? What was it?
Claire: Snoopy.
Alex: Wow. And that could be your new nickname.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [answering FaceTime] I know we're not there yet, but I've been researching annulments.
Claire: Oh, we are there because you let our child get a Mohawk!
Phil: Sweet. We, uh, had a bet.
Claire: You let him get a Mohawk because he won a bet?
Phil: No, he lost a bet.
Claire: What? Phil!
Phil: You'd rather I had a Mohawk? I have a career.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on FaceTime] What's going on? Did you find her?
Claire: No, Dad! No. I haven't found her. And you know what? This is all your fault because you two introduced this horny stranger into our lives.
Jay: Let me get this straight. You're mad because your daughter got knocked up and ran off with some goofy guy to get married behind your back. I can't even imagine what that must feel like.
Claire: Really? Now?
Jay: I can't think of a better time.
Gloria: Jay, stop kicking her while she's down pointing out her mistakes at the same time the whole universe is telling her that she's a terrible mother!

Quote from Jay

Claire: [on FaceTime] Dad, I'm really sorry that I eloped. You were a great dad and you should have been there to walk me down the aisle. And- And I've never apologized for taking that away from you.
Jay: Well, we got to do that thing in Hawaii, and that was nice.
Claire: Yeah. Guess what goes around comes around, huh?
Jay: Look. You're in the eye of the tornado right now and you can't see anything but your life swirling around you. But Andy's a good guy, just like Phil and years from now you might look back on this and think "The best thing that could've happened was that dipstick knocking up my daughter."
Claire: [laughs]
Phil: Aw. That's so sweet.
Jay: [groans] Was he listening?
Claire: Yeah
Phil: This dipstick loves you too, Jay!
Jay: I take it all back!

Quote from Alex

Alex: [answering FaceTime] Hi, Mom.
Claire: Hi, honey. Where are you?
Alex: I'm in the kitchen.
Phil: Alex? When'd you get home?
Alex: I've been here all day.
Phil: Oh. You should get outside, get some fresh air. It's a beautiful morning.
Alex: It's noon, and it's freezing out.

Quote from Claire

Haley: [on recorded video] Oh, my God. What are you doing? Are you filming me?
Claire: Yes! I want you to see how crazy you are acting.
Haley: Me? I come to talk to you about something important and then you start chasing me around with a camera!
Claire: I asked you to clean up the kitchen nine hours ago when I left for work. I come back, and it's the exact same mess, plus pickles and peanut butter!
Haley: I was running around doing stuff for my crazy boss all day, and then I got hungry and then the smell from the garbage almost made me throw up!
Claire: That's exactly how I feel!
Haley: Leave me alone! I have a lot on my plate!
Claire: Yes. Yes, I can see that, honey. You left it in the sink.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [answering FaceTime] Hello?
Claire: Hey, Dad. Dad, take the phone away from your ear.
Jay: Why would I do this? Now I can't hear you.
Claire: Put it in front of your face.
Jay: Oh! How'd you get in my phone? Does this mean when we talked the other day that you knew I was in the can?
Claire: I do now.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on FaceTime] How was the presentation?
Claire: Actually, it went really well. The client loves the whole redesign. They just want us to swap out the handles.
Jay: Damn it!
Claire: I know. Only knobs want knobs.
Jay: No, Joe bit me. He's teething. I don't think it's a coincidence that Andy took the weekend off. Ow! Kid's like a beaver. I'm afraid to wear short pants.

Quote from Luke

Gloria: [on FaceTime] So you're okay with me cutting Luke's hair, right?
Luke: Hey, Mom.
Claire: Well, hello. It's nice to know you're not dead in an alley somewhere.
Luke: Right back at ya.

Quote from Manny

Claire: [on FaceTime] Dad, did you know it was Mitchell's birthday today?
Jay: Of course. I already called him because I'm a considerate person who really cares about his family.
Manny: I reminded him and dialed the phone.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on FaceTime] Happy birthday!
Mitchell: Oh, hey. Is it still my birthday?
Claire: Watch it, or I'll sing to you. Hap-
Mitchell: Okay, okay, I give.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: [on FaceTime] So, have you had a good day?
Mitchell: Yes, thank you. Uh, Lily, she made me her famous chocolate-chip scrambled eggs, which she then watched me eat.
Claire: Ooh. You got my present, didn't you?
Mitchell: No.
Claire: Darn it. They promised it would be there on time.
Mitchell: Oh, well, I can't wait to open it and check the date on the invoice.

Quote from Claire

Cameron: [on FaceTime] Hey, uh, did you, uh, show her my gift yet?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Come on. Show her. Show her.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: [whispers]It's good.
Claire: [Hebrew accent] Wow. Shalom and happy birthday.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: [answering FaceTime] Oh, hey, Mrs. D.
Phil: Hey, Dylan!
Dylan: Oh, hi, Mr. D!
Claire: Are you with Haley?
Dylan: In what way?
Claire: Physically, romantically, maritally?
Dylan: No. I'm at work. I have a career now. [to bystander] Oh. Hey, uh, can you hold this phone for a second?
Phil: So you have no idea where Haley is right now?
Dylan: You mean spiritually, geographically?
Claire: Can you please stop spinning that sign?
Dylan: No! My boss says if I do, he'll replace me with one of those guys. Go back to where you came from!

Quote from Alex

Alex: [answering FaceTime] Hi, Mom.
Claire: Do you have Haley's iCloud password?
Alex: Yeah. She gave it to me in an little envelope with her diary key and a list of things she's most afraid of.

Quote from Alex

Claire: [on FaceTime] Alex, she had to have told you something!
Alex: Okay, you are really rubbing in our lack of closeness. She won't even tell me what conditioner she uses.

Quote from Phil

Phil: If it helps, I can alert my magician contacts in Vegas. Although they are better at making girls disappear than they are finding 'em.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on FaceTime] Hey, what's up?
Claire: Uh, I-I really need to talk to Mitchell.
Lily: It's my iPad time!
Cameron: Honey, what did I tell you about being selfish? Aunt Claire needs to speak to other Daddy just as soon as she gets me my popcorn.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on FaceTime] Hey, Mitch, I'm liking the new hat. It gives you some presence.
Mitchell: What you getting at, Dad?
Jay: Nothing. It's a strong look. You like one of those tough guys in an old Western movie.
Mitchell: Really?
Jay: Yeah.
Mitchell: Oh, I guess it is kind of badass. What if I tilt it a little bit?
Jay: You ruined it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on FaceTime] Luke, what have you done to your hair?
Manny: Claire, when you react like this, you're just giving him what he wants.
Gloria: Ah, Luke said that you knew about it.
Claire: [imitates Gloria's accent] I didn't know about it!

Quote from Alex

Claire: [on FaceTime] No, no, no. Andy is dating some girl in Utah, and Haley knows that. Even if Haley was attracted to him I would hope she would have the decency and the self-control- Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
She married Andy!
Alex: I knew she was still into him. She said he wasn't her type, but I'm like, "He's a man. He's breathing." Maybe this is why she doesn't talk to me about things.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on FaceTime] Claire, trust me. Andy's not gonna run off and elope with Haley. He's a stand-up guy.
Phil: It's a package for Haley.
Claire: Open it.
Phil: Well, that seems like an invasion of her priv-
All: Open it!
Phil: "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Claire: Oh, my God!
Jay: I told you he was a stand-up guy.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: [on FaceTime] Gloria, where did you find Andy?
Gloria: At the park, chasing some children.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Haley pregnant and me in a Mohawk. This year's Christmas card is gonna rule.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: [on FaceTime] I miss my little girl!
Mitchell: Claire, don't do that.
Cameron: Yes, Claire don't do that! I-I Look. You're not gonna find her in the bottom of that tin. You're not near the bottom of that tin, are you?
Claire: I'm gonna be a grandmother!
Traveler: Ah, there, there, dear.
Cameron: Okay, Claire. We don't know anything for sure yet. So take a deep breath, put the popcorn down and just get your- [Claire dumps the popcorn] Not cool, Grandma!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on FaceTime] Okay, Claire, listen. Listen. Sometimes life hands you things that you don't want and and they turn out to be exactly what you need. And, oh, my God. I think I just talked myself into liking this hat because I keep seeing myself in it, and I'm like "Who is that handsome Yentl man?"
Claire: Are you serious right now?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, dile a Claire que. I am trying to fix it.
Jay: [on FaceTime] Gloria's talking to me. Some of it's in English.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: [on FaceTime] Claire, Claire! Look, look. I fix Luke's hair!
Claire: Oh, my God, he looks like Shemp!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Second, I married a Cronut.
Claire: [on FaceTime] What?
Haley: Last night, my friend Andy and I, we went to go get Cronuts and I said that they were so amazing, I wanted to marry one so I posted it on Facebook as a joke. Then I accidentally left my phone in Andy's car which he drove to a friend's wedding in Vegas. And that book is for my crazy boss because he's designing maternity clothes and he wants to get inside the mind of preggos.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Wait a second. How did you get on to my Facebook page? I unfriended you.
Alex: She's Brody Kendall.
Haley: Oh, my God. Gross. I've been playing Candy Crush with my mother.

Quote from Claire

Haley: How did you track my phone?
Claire: [on FaceTime] Well, I don't think that really matters, and there's a perfectly reasona [stuttering noises]
Haley: Oh, cut it out.
Claire: I can see people walking behind you.


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