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41Quotes from ‘A Sketchy Area’

Modern Family: A Sketchy Area

1003. A Sketchy Area

Aired October 10, 2018

Phil lands an exciting new job opportunity when he drops by Luke's college. Claire tries to soften Jay's workplace persona following the merger of Pritchett's Closets with a hipster start-up. Meanwhile, Cameron does some detective work after a sketch artist draws an unflattering image of Mitchell in the courtroom.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Does anybody else find that [ping pong game] distracting?
Mia: Actually, it's great for left-brain stimulation.
Claire: I got winner!
Mia: We don't keep score.
Claire: No?
Man: [muffled] Watch out!
Jay: What the hell?!
Nick: You don't know about Zorbing? It promotes mind/body balance. It's kind of like the German version of Flerming.
Jay: Okay, that's it. Now, I'm about to introduce you squids to a little thing called back-breaking, soul-crushing hard work. How many heart attacks have you had here in the last five years? Zero? Where am I?! America loves closets, and I'm here to build them, damn it! And you get this [ping pong ball] back when I see people pull up in the morning crying in their cars.

Quote from Gloria

Alex: Okay, I've been feeling some pressure about what to do after I graduate this year, and my parents are constantly asking me about it.
Gloria: I thought that you were going to work.
Alex: So did I, but lately, I've been questioning everything. I even thought about becoming a fellow.
Gloria: [gasps] Ay, Alex, that's a big change. But at least you get to keep the same name.
Alex: I'm not even sure it's what I really want.
Gloria: Okay, you have to be very sure, because I heard it's even harder to reverse it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Just as I feared, my dad had crushed the spirit of everyone in that office. I had to do something to prove we weren't some stuffy killjoys. It was time to bust out Party Claire. [chuckles] She'd retired after spring break '89. [sniffs] And again in '92.

Quote from Phil

Glen: Uh, modifications must be made to standard microeconomic procedures to apply supply and demand analysis.
Phil: Hmm.
Glen: First, we construct a utility function, where Y equals income and X equals the cost of services.
Phil: Well...
Glen: Uh, next, we vary either X...
Phil: Pffffbbbbb.
Glen: What-What's on your mind?
Phil: Well, um, with all due respect, uh, you have a roomful of aspiring Realtors here, and I worry that you might be turning them off with all those numbers and formulas. It's actually a very exciting business. It's about people and... and emotional connections and magnets with your face on them.

Quote from Phil

Glen: You think you can just walk in here and start teaching this class?
Phil: I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have...
Glen: No, I'm asking. Can you teach this class for me? If I leave now, I won't have to pay the all-day parking rate.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Ten minutes with the dean, who, it turns out, I'd sold a house to, and I was official. Imagine Phil Dunphy shaping minds in the hallowed halls of Sequoia Community College, established 2016.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, it can't hurt to have some experienced eyes take a look at this police work. Sloppy. Sloppy, sloppy.
Mitchell: Okay, I know you fancy yourself some sort of detective.
Cameron: You know, I was quite the amateur sleuth as a boy, a real-life Encyclopedia Brown. They called me Thesaurus Jones.

Quote from Mitchell

[As Mitchell and Cameron see the courtroom artist's impression of him on the TV news]
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Cameron: [sputters] Is that you?
Mitchell: I look like an elf that just walked into his own surprise party.
Cameron: No, it's like the time we tried to microwave a squash.
Mitchell: I- Okay, this is my first big trial, a-a chance to make a name for myself. All anyone's gonna be talking about is that awful picture! Okay, this is a disaster. Th- There's a place downtown where all the lawyers go to drink. It's called The Side Bar. They put courtroom sketches on the wall of everyone's first big trial.
Cameron: Maybe nobody saw it. [cellphone chimes] Don't assume the worst. It could just be an Amber Alert.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Elbow patches? Did you burn through another blazer at Benihana's?

Quote from Gloria

Alex: Can we talk about anything else? Where's Joe?
Gloria: He started school today. He was so panicky when I dropped him off. I don't know why. It's just first grade.
Alex: Just first grade?! That's when the pressure starts!
Gloria: Ay! You're freaking me out!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Alex is going to be a very nervous man.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Sketch boy was unusually well-groomed for somebody coming out of a government-subsidized gym. Something wasn't right. I was getting that old Thesaurus Jones tingle. I decided to do some sniffing around. Sketch guy's face had a kind of glow that can only be achieved with expensive creams and unguents, yet all I found were packets of cut-rate all-purpose lotions. According to my sources, the gym had an executive level that provides all manner of fancy spa products, but it's for judges and attorneys only. I created a diversion by convincing the security detail there was a towel emergency...
[flashback:]
Cameron: There's a towel emergency.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: ...and hacked into the gym's computer system. Turns out Jonah's been accessing the executive level by swiping the ID of one Victor Graham, a retired judge.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Good afternoon, young Realtors. I have a very important announcement to make after class, but in the meantime, if you would be so kind as to open your books... [voice breaking] Oh, boy. I can't do this. Students, today is our last day together. [students murmuring] Shh, shh. I've treasured our time together. Brett, I know we got off to a rough start, but once we broke down those walls, I'm not sure who was teaching who. Whitney, you're the toughest single mother I know. Lucy, you be good to your mom. Bob, amazing how you battle that dyslexia. Maybe ease off on the anger toward your parents, though. They did you a solid giving you that name.
Bob: We're gonna miss you, Mr. Nudphy.
Phil: It's... You... You... You flipped it, but... [voice breaking] I'm gonna miss you guys, too.
Ike: Location. Location. Location.
Phil: You memorized it. Now, for the second and last time... class dismissed.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: I owe him an apology. I made a huge scene at work.
Gloria: Well, sometimes the best way to say "I'm sorry" is in an e-mail. Why don't you write him at [email protected]?

Quote from Luke

Phil: What do you say we practice that lineout lift one last time? And...
Luke: I got to go. I don't want to be late for women's studies. That's what I call my lunch break.

Quote from Phil

Phil: As you can see from this graph, it's not about X's and Y's. It's about oohs and ahs.
[later:]
Phil: Mm. Okay. So, what does real estate equal? 80%... eye contact.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: All right. Your breakfast is almost ready. You're gonna need all your energy for the courtroom today in case you have to yell, "I'm out of order? You're out of order. The whole damn system's out of order!"
Mitchell: Might not do that. I think I'm winning, so big fan of the system right now.

Quote from Jay

Claire: I'm sorry. Am I late?
Nick: No, no, no, no. Oh. And we're not real time sticklers here. We've found that team members really excel when they follow their own energy rhythms.
Claire: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Jay: Interesting, 'cause I've found team members are happiest when the company stays in business, which means asses in chairs by 9:00.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, must you?
Cameron: You know what, we are gonna make sure that sketch artist sees the best possible version of you. Let's get those apples a-shining!
Mitchell: Okay, okay, stop. Don't!
Cameron: Okay, your face gets weird when you make that "O" sound, so avoid that.
Mitchell: A-Are you serious? The defendant runs the Orange County Oceanic and Ornithological Organization.
Cameron: That was hard to watch.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell. Mitchell. He's here. Only give him your best side. Avoid the fluorescent lights, no O's, and whatever you do, do not stand next to the bailiff. He is breathtaking!
Mitchell: Oh, my God.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Miss Carpenter...
Cameron: Bad side!
Mitchell: Do you recall seeing this man on the night in question?
Miss Carpenter: Yes, sir. And is he, to your knowledge, the C.E.O... of the Orange County Oceanic and Ornithological Organization?
Judge: Counselor, you're mumbling. Can you repeat that, please?
Mitchell: Does he run the bird and water place?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: And is he here today in this, uh... As I was saying...
Cameron: Little further.
Mitchell: Is he here today in this, uh... in this courtroom?
Miss Carpenter: That's him.
Mitchell: Let the court note that I am pretty sure that the witness has identified the defendant.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Those poor kids, though, huh? I have so much to offer. For example, which house styles are sold by which cookie type? French Revival... [French accent] macaroons. [normal voice] English Tudor... [British accent] shortbread.

Quote from Joe

Joe: Aren't you gonna walk me in?
Gloria: No. In first grade, you have drop-off.
Joe: No one said anything about drop-off. What if I can't find my cubby?
Gloria: They don't have cubbies. They have lockers here.
Joe: Wait. Wait a second. Where's my lunchbox?
Gloria: Oh, I signed you up for the hot-lunch program.
Joe: [inhales sharply] What is this place?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Uh, e-excuse me, sketch man. We'd like a word with you about your little drawings.
Cameron: Yes.
Jonah: You don't remember me, do you?
Mitchell: Uh...
Cameron: It's... Um...
Mitchell: Well, obviously, we have offended you somehow.
Cameron: Oh, were you the barista we had fired?
Jonah: Here's a hint... I once stayed in your upstairs rental.
Mitchell: Oh.

Quote from Mitchell

[flashback:]
Mitchell: Who consumes an entire welcome basket? We usually reuse half this stuff. All the Altoids. He was here one night.
Cameron: He... He even ate the horseradish mustard. What did he put it on? We purposely don't give crackers.
Jonah: Ugh!
Mitchell: Hey.
Cameron: Hey.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: We are so sorry we offended you, but...
Jonah: Ooh, too late. I own you two. And I haven't even gotten to my best stuff yet. I can go redder.
Mitchell: You wouldn't.
Jonah: Just wait till I connect the brows.
Cameron: Please. We have a child.
Jonah: Oh, fun. A reporter from CNN. Looks like this pretty little portrait's about to go national.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What... What are we gonna do?
Cameron: Okay, is it just me, or does this sound like a job for Thesaurus Jones?
Mitchell: It's just you.
Cameron: No. Blackmail, Mitchell! We just have to dig something up on this guy. Shouldn't be a problem, because everyone's hiding something. Everyone.
Mitchell: I feel like you're sitting on one more...
Cameron: Everyone.
Mitchell: Yep.

Quote from Claire

Nick: Hey, do you have a second?
Jay: If this is about my respecting your process...
Nick: Actually, we want to thank you for laying down the law before. Because we have gone soft as a company, we needed a couple grown-ups to come in and put us back on track. You know, thanks to you, we've gotten rid of all the distractions. No more ping-pong tables, squirt guns. The only thing we couldn't find was that giant...
Claire: Break time, bitches! Uh, it turns out this is a little... Oh, my God! The Thinfinity! I'm so sorry! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I... Oh! [clatter] Sorry.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Members of the jury, the defendant, Mr. Kane, would have you believe that he was working at the time of the crime. [seeing the sketch] Bald?! ...faced lies!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Ah. Because evidence would clearly suggest that, um... Oh... that while James Kane does have an office on his company's executive floor, he was nowhere near it that night. Nice try, executive-level Jim... Kane... but we're onto you. Ladies and gentlemen, before you've retired, judge... For yourself and draw a more accurate conclusion than the one Mr. Kane would have you believe...
Judge: Counselor, you're speaking weirdly.
Mitchell: I'm sure you will find the defendant's alibi to be thin. [sketch artist scribbles] Even thinner.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, Dad?
Phil: Yeah?
Luke: Don't forget your coffee mug.
Phil: I'm sure this all worked out for the best. I'll, uh, probably miss a few spontaneous Frisbee opportunities and apparently, a tumbling exchange program. Oh, well. And an Amateur Inventors Association. How much fun could it be changing the world, anyway? "The Sequoia College Players Present: A Hall and Oates Magic Show."
Luke: Dad, wait.
Phil: Yes, Luke?
Luke: Don't forget your mug again.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Come on! Can't you see I'm meant to be here?
Luke: I'm sorry, but I've never had a school to myself. I was always Alex's dumb brother or Manny's hot nephew. Now I can finally be my own person.

Quote from Phil

Luke: [on the phone] So, listen. This is a big campus. Maybe we could both be here if we promise to stay out of each other's way.
Phil: Well, I'd hate to step on your toes.
Luke: No, no, y-you wouldn't. I would hate to stop you from doing something you're so good at.
Phil: I guess I could think about it. I mean, it's not like I'd be there all the time. I, uh, have class and office hours, and I have the 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. slot at the campus radio station on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Hey, if you want to be my sidekick... [catches frisbee]
Luke: Dad?
Phil: You're right. It's better if I do all the voices. What's up?!

Quote from Alex

Alex: What's all this?
Gloria: Well, you got me so nervous about Joe's terrible day that I put all this out to cheer him up. Sundae, video game. I even wrote him a little pep talk.
Alex: We're lucky to live in the golden age of medicines.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [voice breaking] I plowed over a bunch of people in a giant hamster ball. And then I tried to impress the foodies by ordering Indian for lunch. And then I chewed some gum to get rid of my coriander breath, and I'm pretty sure some's in my hair. And then I... Oh... Tripped and fell and skinned my knee, and everybody saw my underwear.

Quote from Joe

Joe: Crushed it! First days are easy when you're cool.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Joe: I do feel bad for Conner B. He brought stinky egg salad for lunch. He's gonna have to eat with the nurse.
Claire: Oh, God!

Quote from Gloria

Claire: I just want to go back to my old office, where I had friends.
Gloria: I know. Sometimes... [reading the pep talk she prepared for Joe] you know, we all have bad days. And... And sometimes, we have to... to deal with mean boys.
Claire: Boys are mean. You're right, Gloria.
Gloria: I am right?
Claire: Mm.
Gloria: Oh, you know what I love about this family? We're not quitters, especially you. Remember how hard it was for you to learn how to swim?
Claire: It was hard.
Gloria: But now it's your favorite thing in the world because it reminds you of how strong you are.
Claire: I mean, I like to swim...
Gloria: Tomorrow can only be better.
Claire: Mm.
Gloria: But just in case, I'll come at lunch, and I will kiss you through the fence.
Claire: How about I text you around 11:00 and let you know how I'm doing?

Quote from Jay

Alex: Hey, what's- What's all this?
Jay: Danger O'Shea memorabilia. I'm a big collector.
Alex: Who's Danger O'Shea?
Jay: Legendary daredevil. Got famous for jumping over a school bus on his motorcycle.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Get over here! Talk to me. Tell me why you're avoiding your mom.
Alex: Okay. Well, I've been on a science track my whole life, which my parents love. "Alex the scientist." But lately, I've been having second thoughts. I've always loved singing, and... and I've been doing some open-mic nights recently, and it's been going really well.
Jay: I see where this is going. Sing for me.
Alex: What, like right now?
Jay: Just sing.
Alex: ♪ Somewhere over the rainbow ♪ ♪ Skies are blue ♪
Jay: That was great. Stick to science.
Alex: Wow. You really got a knack for pep talks in this house.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm saying play the odds. For example, you take this O'Shea guy.
Alex: Oh, good. We're back to him.
Jay: But he was smart. He started a business, got established. And when he couldn't kick the daredevil dream, he went for it. And he was good, real good, until that fateful day he tried to jump over a motorcycle in a school bus. Fortunately for him, unlike his act, he had a safety net.
Alex: His business.
Jay: Jumped right back in. Within a year, it was bigger than ever. The point is, you've been on the science track for 15 years. See it through. Build a foundation. If in a couple of years, you still have the singing bug, go for it!

Quote from Jay

Alex: I guess you're right. It would be pretty dumb of me to give up on the career path I'm on. I could make half a mil my first year out of school.
Jay: Wow! What do they pay men?
Alex: So, Danger never did another stunt again?
Jay: He still brings that maverick spirit to everything he does, which is why he got to the top of his industry. Some people think it's the greatest stunt he ever pulled off.
Alex: [scoffs] Thanks for the talk, Danger.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: So, I won my case, and even better, this is going up at The Side Bar.
Cameron: Yeah. And now maybe you'll have some respect for my investigative skills. It was a pretty simple case, because, as I've said, everyone has something to hide. Everyone. [long silence]
Mitchell: You know...
Cameron: Everyone.


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