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45Quotes from ‘Bad Hair Day’

Modern Family: Bad Hair Day

416. Bad Hair Day

Aired February 20, 2013

Claire is secretly happy when Phil is unable to join her at her college reunion. As Jay focuses on winning a bowling tournament against his closet competition, Gloria is running ragged as a the mother of a newborn, desperate to keep up the "I don't know how she does it" mystique. When Mitchell offers to babysit Joe, Cameron sees an photo opportunity.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, I know, but it just hurts, Mitchell. It's the first one of our things that she's outgrown.
Mitchell: Well, you know, but isn't it great that we've raised her to have opinions and interests of her own?
Cameron: But this early? She's still so daggum young.
Mitchell: Okay, is that another Southern thing, or are you just trying to remember her Vietnamese name?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, I should've seen this coming. I replaced her with somebody younger, and she sabotaged Joe's shoot out of sheer jealousy. Maybe she does have what it takes to be a model.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've regretted throwing away things way more beaten up than Claire. So if this campus Casanova had thoughts of reclaiming her, guess what, hot shot? Legally, I still own her.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, Cam, you take the fall for me, and I will go with you to Missouri. I'll even go for a whole week.
Cameron: Make it ten days.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. But I don't want to meet anything on Monday that I'm gonna eat on Friday.
Cameron: Oh, well, that's gonna happen.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] If I'm being honest, the reunion might be a little more fun if Phil isn't there. Otherwise, I spend the whole weekend telling him who's who and explaining inside jokes. And if all that explaining is going out, the alcohol is not going in.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I've waited a year for this day: the annual trade association scratch bowling tournament. Last year, we lost to our biggest rival. Frazier had Ali, Pritchett's Closets has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It's a stupid name, but those cats can bowl.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Well, enjoy that while it lasts. I had a pretty good hat run, but then I saw a photo of myself from the dude ranch. I looked like Reba at the Grammys.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: I see that you found the fur.
Mitchell: Yes. Uh, you wouldn't happen to have a feather boa, would you?
Manny: Are you wearing that to your Oscar party?
Mitchell: No, Manny. We're not cliches. Cam's decorating the party with photos of Lily dressed as different starlets from the- W- We- We're cliches.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hi, baby Joe. Why don't you just sit a spell? We're just makin' pictures.
Mitchell: Why are you being all Missouri?
Cameron: I don't know. I guess I'm excited to go back to the farm. Is it that obvious?
Mitchell: You said "dagburn" at breakfast.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Hey, handsome. Uh, can you sign this? You don't need to read it.
Phil: Never do!
Luke: Right there.
Phil: Oh. Quick. Nature's sure-fire sunburn remedy? [answering phone] Aloe?

Quote from Phil

Tater: Man, I always wondered who'd be lucky enough to marry the beautiful Claire Pritchett.
Phil: No luck involved, hombre. She saw, she liked, she got pregnant, she had to.

Quote from Phil

Professor Cooke: So, Phil, are you here all weekend?
Phil: No!
Professor Cooke: Well, that's too bad. I was gonna suggest some activities. The Palmer center is doing a wonderful retrospective of impressionists.
Phil: Oh. That is a shame. That's a field I know quite a bit about.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: No. Uh, you can see the influence, can't you, of the, uh, early impressionists? The, uh, Rich Littles, the Frank Gorshins, on the Jimmy Fallons, if you will.
Claire: He meant the painter kind.
Phil: Yes.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You have to tell her what you did. You scalped her baby.
Mitchell: I had to cut that wig off. What did you expect me to do? He keeps pulling his hat off.
Cameron: Okay, well, you could've let me do it. I have 32 hours of Vidal Sassoon training. What? I left the program over creative differences. Shut up.

Quote from Claire

Claire: OK, here's the number for poison control. Ask for Carol.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I have to get the letter signed because I failed my assignment on the revolutionary war. I recreated the Battle of Bunker Hill using one of my old science projects. Seemed pretty revolutionary to me.
[flashback:]
Luke: The brave patriots made their way up the hillside, prepared for whatever the devious red coats might inflict next. [the volcano starts oozing red liquid] Now you work?!

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Ay, I knew the pancakes would bring you down.
Manny: Just coffee for me today. Black, like I feel on the inside.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: I am sure that Cam is gonna call you today and give you the solo. You're always so hard on yourself. Remember that you said that you didn't have a face for hats? And?
Manny: I look great in every hat.
Gloria: I can't hear you.
Manny: I look great in every hat.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Yes, I would have loved to go to the spa, but having a baby has changed completely the way that Jay's family look at me. I am not anymore just Gloria that has her hair done, Gloria that goes to the gym. Now I am Gloria the new mother. The "I don't know how she does it" lady.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, I told you to help me!
Mitchell: I am so sorry!
Gloria: I twisted my ankle.
Mitchell: Okay. Sit down right here.
Gloria: I don't have time for this.
Mitchell: No, you-- you can't walk around on that all day.
Gloria: No, I'm good. I'm good. No. I will use the baby carrier as a as a cane.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Let me guess. You couldn't remember if I said "boa" or "baby," so you brought both.
Mitchell: Gloria hurt herself, and it was kinda my fault, so I offered to watch Joe.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Can I take a break? I wanna be alone.
Cameron: Okay, where was that attitude when we were doing Greta Garbo?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, sweetie, break's over.
Lily: It hasn't been five minutes.
Cameron: Yes, but it has been five animal crackers. Which is five too many to eat on a shoot day. So...
Lily: No more! I quit! [exits]
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. What has gotten into her? We've been doing this for six hours, and now all of the sudden, she doesn't love it?
Mitchell: You know, I have a theory.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hello, baby Joe! Well, you may as well be a dead hobo in the woods of a small town after a rainstorm, because you have just been discovered.
Mitchell: I'm looking less and less forward to this trip to Missouri.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] Hey, Jay. Super excited about our big match. I dreamt about it last night. Guess what? We won!
Jay: Phil, I like you too much to sugarcoat what I'm about to say. You're off the team.
Phil: Good one. Loosen me up with some pre-match humor. I like it.
Jay: Nah, I found somebody better. Rudy Sorrenson. He's in, you're out.
Phil: Hilarious! Stickin' with the bit. I love that this is our relationship now.
Jay: This match is too important, and you're a wild card. I'm sorry.
Phil: Jay, I'm not sure I like where this is headed.
Jay: Phil, this is nothing personal. It's bowling.
Phil: No, no, no. I get it. Listen, um I should get goin'. My allergies are starting to cry.

Quote from Manny

Jay: [on the phone] He's fine. I'll let you talk to him.
Manny: Darkness, please.
Jay: Aw, shoot. He's out in the pool.
Manny: What do I have to do to make you go away? Sing?
Jay: Uh, I'll have him call you back.
Manny: My life is a music-less, gray hellscape.
Jay: Wow. Well, this doesn't look like anything shopping can help you with.
Manny: It's worth a shot.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Sorry I was so indecisive back there. I'm out of it today.
Jay: Well, you got what you want, and that's what today is all about. Turn that frown upside-down. Now you're gonna take this 15 local to get home. Keep both your hands tight on that bag because it goes through a few sketchy blocks.
Manny: You're not driving me?
Jay: Well, you kinda used up your drive time deciding between those identical belts.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Okay. It's just hard. You know, Jay? I mean, I've never been a quitter.
Jay: Well, new chapter for you. You got any change?
Manny: I mean, I always imagined I'd be a performer for life. I guess some dreams you just have to give up on.
Jay: Know when to fold 'em. Here's a $50. Someone will have change.
Manny: I can't sing, period.
Jay: What am I thinking? The 11 goes right by the house, and there she is.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: We've had my dad's baby for 45 minutes, and he's already in a dress.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. This thing is stuck.
Mitchell: What? How- How could it be?
Cameron: It is stuck.
Lily: I glued it.
Mitchell: W-w-why- Why would you do that?
Lily: Because the Jane Crawford wig kept falling off him.
Cameron: It's Joan Crawford.
Mitchell: 'Cause that's what's important here.

Quote from Manny

Jay: I've heard you sing in the shower. You sing in the car with me. You never miss a note! Your problem is doing it around people. Sing!
Manny: You want me to sing now?
Jay: Yeah! It's all in your head! When you get over that little stage fright, you'll never choke an audition again. Sing!
Manny: [singing] I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate-
Jay: That's not singing. Attack it!
Manny: A pawn and a king. I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Jay: What's that thing?!
Manny: Each time I find myself flat on my face
Jay: Yeah, now you got it!
Manny: I pick myself up-
Jay: Get that big, I know you want to!
Manny: and get back in the race.
Jay: Yeah!
Manny: That's life!
Jay: Sing it to me, baby!
Manny: That's what people say.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, my God. Is that Janie Gibbs?
Esther: Yikes. Her skin looks like crumpled tinfoil you try to smooth out and use again.
Claire: Remind me not to get old in front of you.

Quote from Claire

Esther: [gasps] Professor Cooke. Still the sexiest man on campus.
Claire: Wanna know a little somethin'?
Esther: You dated him.
Claire: How did you know that? We were so careful with that secret.
Esther: You wore an oversized tweed jacket to breakfast and called my rabbit convertible "Bourgeois."
Claire: Well, it kinda was.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Is something wrong?
Claire: It's just- It's a little bit embarrassing. The guy that I dated right before you is here, so...
Phil: Oh. Well, that's nothing to be embarrassed about. We all have exes. So the guy you dumped right before you met me is here. No big deal.
Claire: [high-pitched] Well... He might've dumped me.
Phil: I thought you said you'd never been dumped.
Claire: [high-pitched] Well... Maybe one time.
Phil: So he dumped you, you healed completely, and then you met me.
Claire: [high-pitched] Well...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Close the door. You're letting the steam out!
Mitchell: Is the wig coming loose?
Cameron: Oh, yes, Mitchell. It's completely off his head. We're just staying in here because there's nothing babies and big guys love more than 100% humidity.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Do you realize what Gloria's gonna do when she sees this? She punched me when I got Manny that henna tattoo. And not the side-of-the-hand way that I do it. This had rings and knuckles.

Quote from Claire

Professor Cooke: Yes! I mean, that's the great part of my schedule. We make it to Europe almost every summer. But I'm sure you guys travel.
Claire: Well, honestly, I don't think I've been anywhere without a water slide in 15 years.

Quote from Phil

Phil: That's funny. She's mentioned Esther, Dougie, Tripp, Afro Judy. The name "Tater" has literally never even come up once in the last 20 years.
Tater: Oh, I don't know why I'm surprised. I was madly in love with her for four years and I was basically invisible until the day I choked on that tater tot.
Phil: Wait. Uh, I-I thought you were her ex.
Tater: I wish.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Wait. Before we go, are there any more exes I should know about?
Claire: Honey, what do you think I was like?
Dean Stoller: Hey, Claire Pritchett!
Claire: Hey, Dean Stoller! [to Phil] Super quick story.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria! Forgot about that baby and check out this one!
Gloria: You beat Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets?!
Jay: We destroyed them! And it's Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
Gloria: What did I say?
Jay: We went through this for a half-hour yesterday. I can't do it again.

Quote from Manny

Cameron: Oh, hey, Manny. Glad I ran into you. Listen, I'm gonna give you the solo.
Manny: Really? You must've heard what happened to me today. I feel confident now and I know I can do-
Cameron: Yeah, I don't care about, any of that stuff. I just need you to tell you mom that you gave your brother Joe a haircut, okay?
Manny: No problem. How bad could it be? Agh!

Quote from Luke

Manny: Anyway, I heard you need a letter from school signed. I kinda nailed my Declaration of Independence replica. Forged every signature with this pen. So...
Luke: Stop. We have a deal. I'll say I cut the baby's hair. And you give me that cool pen.
Manny: What? No. No, that's not what I was going to-
Luke: A deal's a deal.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Such a cool trophy. Say, how'd that new guy Rudy Sorrenson do?
Jay: He was great.
Luke: It's funny how he has the same name as one-time pro bowler Rudolph Sorrenson, which would be against league rules. Well, I'd find it funny.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, hurry up. You have to take the kids to the movie. And why does the baby still have that hat on? He's going to burn up.
Jay: Gloria, I have a confession to make. I gave Joe a haircut. It's bad.
Gloria: Why would you do that?
Jay: My dad used to cut my hair when I was a kid, and I thought it'd be a nice way for the baby and me to bond. But I just made a mess of things, like I make a mess of everything.
Gloria: Let me take a look at this.
All: Oh!
Gloria: Ay, dios mio!

Quote from Luke

Mitchell: Dad, why would you do that to your own son?
Manny: He's just a baby.
Luke: Plus you ate that cake.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I know that they expected me to go all Colombian crazy. But this was just another opportunity for me to show them that I was not the superficial Gloria that I used to be. Plus I was very relaxed after the day I had. What? Did you think I was gonna throw away a whole spa day?


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