Luke: Hey, handsome. Uh, can you sign this? You don't need to read it.
Phil: Never do!
Luke: Right there.
Phil: Oh. Quick. Nature's sure-fire sunburn remedy? [answering phone] Aloe?

Cameron: Okay, I know, but it just hurts, Mitchell. It's the first one of our things that she's outgrown.
Mitchell: Well, you know, but isn't it great that we've raised her to have opinions and interests of her own?
Cameron: But this early? She's still so daggum young.
Mitchell: Okay, is that another Southern thing, or are you just trying to remember her Vietnamese name?

Cameron: Well, I should've seen this coming. I replaced her with somebody younger, and she sabotaged Joe's shoot out of sheer jealousy. Maybe she does have what it takes to be a model.

Phil: [aside to camera] I've regretted throwing away things way more beaten up than Claire. So if this campus Casanova had thoughts of reclaiming her, guess what, hot shot? Legally, I still own her.

Mitchell: Okay, Cam, you take the fall for me, and I will go with you to Missouri. I'll even go for a whole week.
Cameron: Make it ten days.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. But I don't want to meet anything on Monday that I'm gonna eat on Friday.
Cameron: Oh, well, that's gonna happen.

Jay: [aside to camera] I've waited a year for this day: the annual trade association scratch bowling tournament. Last year, we lost to our biggest rival. Frazier had Ali, Pritchett's Closets has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It's a stupid name, but those cats can bowl.

Claire: [aside to camera] If I'm being honest, the reunion might be a little more fun if Phil isn't there. Otherwise, I spend the whole weekend telling him who's who and explaining inside jokes. And if all that explaining is going out, the alcohol is not going in.

Mitchell: Well, enjoy that while it lasts. I had a pretty good hat run, but then I saw a photo of myself from the dude ranch. I looked like Reba at the Grammys.

Gloria: I see that you found the fur.
Mitchell: Yes. Uh, you wouldn't happen to have a feather boa, would you?
Manny: Are you wearing that to your Oscar party?
Mitchell: No, Manny. We're not cliches. Cam's decorating the party with photos of Lily dressed as different starlets from the- W- We- We're cliches.

Cameron: Hi, baby Joe. Why don't you just sit a spell? We're just makin' pictures.
Mitchell: Why are you being all Missouri?
Cameron: I don't know. I guess I'm excited to go back to the farm. Is it that obvious?
Mitchell: You said "dagburn" at breakfast.