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‘Express Yourself’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Express Yourself

717. Express Yourself

Aired March 23, 2016

Phil surprises an over-worked Claire with an impromptu trip to Paris, but they must stay awake all night so they can sleep on the plane. Gloria is angry at the household disruption causes by Jay's remodeling of their bathroom. Cameron's sister, Pam, is staying at the house since her husband left her, but Mitchell worries her views on men are setting a bad example for Lily. Meanwhile, Haley and Andy have a wild night out together.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Pameron Tucker, you outdid yourself on these biscuits and gravy. They are so tasty, they make you want to slap your mama. Am I right, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Sure. If that's a thing, why not?
Pam: Bless your hearts.
Lily: [Southern accent] I'm fuller than a dog tick.
Mitchell: Hey, just because they do it...


Quote from Andy

Haley: Okay, well, we can start at this western place where I know the bartender. If you hang back, I can get us free drinks all night.
Andy: It won't look weird, you ordering two drinks every time you go up?
Haley: No.
Andy: Then let's turn this mother out.
Haley: [weak chuckle]
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I got pretty lucky pulling that expression out of my fanny. I'm not usually so quick with party talk, but I've always had this fear that Haley would think I couldn't keep up with her, so I just tried to survive the night and not barf on my dad's old church shirt.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right. As much as I'd love to leave this alone, I learned something tonight that I feel like I- I need to share with you. You deserve the best in life. So if the time isn't right, then move on. Second best, it's... It's never enough. You'll do much better, baby, on your own. Baby. On your own.

Quote from Mitchell

Pam: I can't believe I got left. Left!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: So, Pam got left. Her husband, Bo, took off with half their stuff when she was out rounding up dazed piglets after a twister. I'm not kidding.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Look, someday, watching movies on the couch is the only thing we'll be able to do, but right now, let's fire a warning shot right through Father Time's beard and spend a weekend in the Eternal City.
Alex: Rome.
Phil: Emerald City.
Alex: Seattle or Oz.
Phil: She knows where I mean, and the clock's running!

Quote from Jay

Jay: How long's it take to get the makeup off? I got out of Saigon faster.
Gloria: You like what walks out the door every morning, so don't complain about the process.
Jay: I got a floor sander in the garage if it'll open up the bathroom sooner.

Quote from Jay

Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, Ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!

Quote from Andy

Haley: Andy, what is happening with you? Why are you doing this?
Andy: What are you talking about? I thought you loved Wild Andy.
Haley: No, no. I love Normal Andy, tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheese Andy. Still-in-bed-by-11:00 Andy. Uses-the-word-"tummy" Andy.
Andy: Really? Because I've been doing this whole thing because I was afraid you'd get bored and dump me if I couldn't keep up.
Haley: I know you can't keep up. But I'd rather slow down. I like the me I am when I'm with you.
Andy: Well, I wish you would have told me that about a minute ago. Aah! I can't watch! The stress is murder on my tummy.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Um, in all the bathroom confusion, instead of my multivitamin, I may have taken a birth-control pill.
Gloria: I think you'll be fine. And anyways, for sure I won't be needing one tonight!
Manny: It may be the pill, but I'm feeling a little attacked right now.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's the least I could do, since you'uns opened your home to me for I don't know how many weeks now.
Mitchell: [whispers] Three.
Pam: I just don't get it. How could he leave me?
Cameron: I know.
Pam: I'm pretty. There's nothing I won't let him do in the b-e-d.
Mitchell: [covering Lily's ears] Hey, sweetheart, you're such a big eater, aren't ya, huh?

Quote from Andy

Haley: Wow, this is more reading than I did in my three years at a two-year college.
Andy: I'm thinking chili dog, just like Pops - may he rest in peace - bought me at my first baseball game. May I be frank? We have a wiener.
Haley: Oh, that's so weirdly sweet. And it's so cute how your hair never moves. It's like a LEGO.

Quote from Andy

Tom: Hey, I know you! Coachella, dancing on top of my van.
Haley: No, I just have one of those faces that-
Tom: It's Haley, right?
Andy: Haley, would you like to introduce us?
Haley: Um, okay. Andy, my boyfriend, this is-
Tom: Tom.
Haley: Tom.
Andy: TomTom. Is that Cherokee?

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Honestly, I've been kind of ready for Wild Haley to chuck her party pumps in the trash. Or give them to charity, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. But if that's one of the things that Andy liked about me, I wasn't gonna shut it down.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I just have to approve this proposal. I've been working on it all week.
Phil: [cellphone dings] Oh my God.
Claire: That's right. Sun never sets on Mama's empire.
Phil: No, remember the travel app we signed up for that gives you the last-minute deals? Huh? Three nights in Paris, first-class airfare, four-star hotel for basically nothing. The flight leaves at noon tomorrow. We have five minutes to answer.
Claire: Wait. You're not seriously considering this, are you?
Phil: It's kind of the deal of the century. Plus, we'd only miss one day of work. Haley's with Andy. Luke's on a ski trip.
Alex: I don't matter.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, sweetie, by the time we got there, we would be so messed up on the time change, we would just wander around in, like, a nauseous fog.
Alex: Or you could just force yourselves to stay up all night tonight, then sleep on the plane tomorrow, and then when you land in Paris, your morning will be Paris' morning.
Phil: There we go! Lucky for us, the smart one's home.
Claire: It's such a sweet idea, but I am so tired from work this week. What is more energizing than springtime in Paris? Baguettes baking, mimes miming, skunks in love.
This is what life is. C'est la vie, right?
Alex: Nope.
Phil: Joie de vivre.
Alex: Better.

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