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37Quotes from ‘Express Yourself’

Modern Family: Express Yourself

717. Express Yourself

Aired March 23, 2016

Phil surprises an over-worked Claire with an impromptu trip to Paris, but they must stay awake all night so they can sleep on the plane. Gloria is angry at the household disruption causes by Jay's remodeling of their bathroom. Cameron's sister, Pam, is staying at the house since her husband left her, but Mitchell worries her views on men are setting a bad example for Lily. Meanwhile, Haley and Andy have a wild night out together.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Pameron Tucker, you outdid yourself on these biscuits and gravy. They are so tasty, they make you want to slap your mama. Am I right, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Sure. If that's a thing, why not?
Pam: Bless your hearts.
Lily: [Southern accent] I'm fuller than a dog tick.
Mitchell: Hey, just because they do it...

Quote from Andy

Haley: Okay, well, we can start at this western place where I know the bartender. If you hang back, I can get us free drinks all night.
Andy: It won't look weird, you ordering two drinks every time you go up?
Haley: No.
Andy: Then let's turn this mother out.
Haley: [weak chuckle]
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I got pretty lucky pulling that expression out of my fanny. I'm not usually so quick with party talk, but I've always had this fear that Haley would think I couldn't keep up with her, so I just tried to survive the night and not barf on my dad's old church shirt.

Quote from Mitchell

Pam: I can't believe I got left. Left!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: So, Pam got left. Her husband, Bo, took off with half their stuff when she was out rounding up dazed piglets after a twister. I'm not kidding.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Look, someday, watching movies on the couch is the only thing we'll be able to do, but right now, let's fire a warning shot right through Father Time's beard and spend a weekend in the Eternal City.
Alex: Rome.
Phil: Emerald City.
Alex: Seattle or Oz.
Phil: She knows where I mean, and the clock's running!

Quote from Jay

Jay: How long's it take to get the makeup off? I got out of Saigon faster.
Gloria: You like what walks out the door every morning, so don't complain about the process.
Jay: I got a floor sander in the garage if it'll open up the bathroom sooner.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Um, in all the bathroom confusion, instead of my multivitamin, I may have taken a birth-control pill.
Gloria: I think you'll be fine. And anyways, for sure I won't be needing one tonight!
Manny: It may be the pill, but I'm feeling a little attacked right now.

Quote from Jay

Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, Ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!

Quote from Andy

Haley: Andy, what is happening with you? Why are you doing this?
Andy: What are you talking about? I thought you loved Wild Andy.
Haley: No, no. I love Normal Andy, tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheese Andy. Still-in-bed-by-11:00 Andy. Uses-the-word-"tummy" Andy.
Andy: Really? Because I've been doing this whole thing because I was afraid you'd get bored and dump me if I couldn't keep up.
Haley: I know you can't keep up. But I'd rather slow down. I like the me I am when I'm with you.
Andy: Well, I wish you would have told me that about a minute ago. Aah! I can't watch! The stress is murder on my tummy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right. As much as I'd love to leave this alone, I learned something tonight that I feel like I-I need to share with you. You deserve the best in life. So if the time isn't right, then move on. Second best, it's... It's never enough. You'll do much better, baby, on your own. Baby. On your own.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's the least I could do, since you'uns opened your home to me for I don't know how many weeks now.
Mitchell: [whispers] Three.
Pam: I just don't get it. How could he leave me?
Cameron: I know.
Pam: I'm pretty. There's nothing I won't let him do in the b-e-d.
Mitchell: [covering Lily's ears] Hey, sweetheart, you're such a big eater, aren't ya, huh?

Quote from Andy

Haley: Wow, this is more reading than I did in my three years at a two-year college.
Andy: I'm thinking chili dog, just like Pops - may he rest in peace - bought me at my first baseball game. May I be frank? We have a wiener.
Haley: Oh, that's so weirdly sweet. And it's so cute how your hair never moves. It's like a LEGO.

Quote from Andy

Tom: Hey, I know you! Coachella, dancing on top of my van.
Haley: No, I just have one of those faces that-
Tom: It's Haley, right?
Andy: Haley, would you like to introduce us?
Haley: Um, okay. Andy, my boyfriend, this is-
Tom: Tom.
Haley: Tom.
Andy: TomTom. Is that Cherokee?

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Honestly, I've been kind of ready for Wild Haley to chuck her party pumps in the trash. Or give them to charity, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. But if that's one of the things that Andy liked about me, I wasn't gonna shut it down.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I just have to approve this proposal. I've been working on it all week.
Phil: [cellphone dings] Oh my God.
Claire: That's right. Sun never sets on Mama's empire.
Phil: No, remember the travel app we signed up for that gives you the last-minute deals? Huh? Three nights in Paris, first-class airfare, four-star hotel for basically nothing. The flight leaves at noon tomorrow. We have five minutes to answer.
Claire: Wait. You're not seriously considering this, are you?
Phil: It's kind of the deal of the century. Plus, we'd only miss one day of work. Haley's with Andy. Luke's on a ski trip.
Alex: I don't matter.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, sweetie, by the time we got there, we would be so messed up on the time change, we would just wander around in, like, a nauseous fog.
Alex: Or you could just force yourselves to stay up all night tonight, then sleep on the plane tomorrow, and then when you land in Paris, your morning will be Paris' morning.
Phil: There we go! Lucky for us, the smart one's home.
Claire: It's such a sweet idea, but I am so tired from work this week. What is more energizing than springtime in Paris? Baguettes baking, mimes miming, skunks in love.
This is what life is. C'est la vie, right?
Alex: Nope.
Phil: Joie de vivre.
Alex: Better.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: [aside to camera] I retired. I needed a little project. So I decided to redo our master bathroom.
Gloria: Yeah, if only someone had told you that it was going to be harder and longer than it looked on YouTube. Oh, wait!

Quote from Jay

Jay: If you just followed the simple bathroom schedule I posted in two places in English and Spanish-
Gloria: Yes, who does that? Who puts a schedule up for their family?
Jay: Uh, don't go in there.
Gloria: I need to get my vanishing cream. I can't find it.
Jay: Must've worked.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Did you drink that while it was still on fire?
Andy: It's an old habit. It's how I used to eat my marshmallows.

Quote from Haley

Clint: Haley, I'll give you 20 bucks to make out with Bianca.
Haley: 20 bucks?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: So, Bianca's a smoker. Didn't love that. Or the wandering hands. But it's all a part of the Wild Haley experience.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I can't sleep when I'm angry. Never could. And there's something very wrong with people who can.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Gloria's just adjusting to me being around more. We're on top of each other... and not in a good way.
Mitchell: Oh, fun. I was hoping your sex life would come up. Look, Dad, remodels are tense. Half the divorces I do start with a remodel. Or an underwear model.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, once a year, some sort of pollen is released into the air, and for two weeks, Cam has allergy-induced sleep apnea and has to use an apparatus in order to help him breathe. What's challenging is, Pam has the same condition. I thought that maybe I could focus if I could get those contraptions in sync.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Mitchell, there's a pile of little orange hairs on your keyboard. You're picking your eyebrows again. Like you did when I put you in Little League.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: I'm buried under work. And Cam's sister is the worst influence on Lily. But I-I can't yell at her because she's a sopping mess. So, you know, who am I supposed to yell at? My husband, who needs a machine to breathe?
Jay: Well, you better find yourself an outlet. That's why I have scotch and golf and cigars. Otherwise, I'd be a raging jackass.
Waitress: We're out of rye.
Jay: Then bake some!
Mitchell: [picking eyebrows] Can you please not yell at the woman who's bringing us our food?
Jay: Stop that. That's gross! It's like a fox ran across the table.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Ba-ba-ba! Out of that trance! We're going to France!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Why are you still awake?
Alex: I'm too excited to sleep. I'm studying Big Bang nucleosynthesis. Well, more specifically the total Baryonic matter in the universe. Let's go back. Dark matter and dark energy make up 95% of all of the matter in the-
Phil: No! Go away!
Claire: Stop!

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] We needed help.
Phil: And no surprise, first entry on howtostayawake.net: coffee.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Alls I'm saying is, if you're lucky enough to get this boy Ryan you like, you hold on with both hands. 'Cause once he's gone, you're nothing.
Cameron: Okay, you don't really mean that.
Pam: I don't know what I mean. I'm just a woman running her fool mouth off.
Cameron: Okay, not exactly the message of empowerment we'd like to impart to our 21st-century daughter.
Lily: What's a Demerol shooter?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Damn it! Why didn't I close that door so you didn't get stuck like Manny's gerbil in the glue trap?!
Manny: But you said he ran away.
Gloria: Yes, most of him did.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, I just have to smooth this out so that Jay doesn't notice anything.
Manny: You're really going through a lot of trouble to hide this from him.
Gloria: You just don't understand. This is the first time in a fight that I was 100% right and Jay was 100% wrong. That never happens.
Manny: And being right is so important?
Gloria: Get married and then get back to me.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: So, a karaoke bar, huh? [chuckles] You know, it's a little offensive that you think singing a pop song is gonna solve my problems. How gay do you think I am?
Jay: Mitchell! Madonna! ["Express Yourself" begins]
Mitchell: Oh! Yeah. Okay. [music stops]
Jay: Well, come on! When you were stressed out as a kid, you used to dance and sing Madonna in the living room. Fixed you right up.
Mitchell: Ah, I'm not surprised. You think I haven't changed at all in 25 years.
Jay: If you were surprised, I wouldn't know it, since you've plucked out all your eyebrows.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: You know what, Dad? You have been really bossy tonight. With me, with that waitress. I-I bet that's why you and Gloria are having problems. Yeah. You miss bossing people around at work, so now you're doing it at home.
Jay: If I admitted there was some truth in that, could you just give in? You've been grinding around like Lola Falana.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I don't know why this is so important to you.
Jay: Can you just let me help you?!
Mitchell: Okay, I'm doing this, but only because you need it so much. [singing] Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it. And it goes something like this. Don't go for second best, baby Put your love to the test You know, you know...

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Watching Mitchell, I did feel kind of good about fixing his problem. Now, being retired, you don't always feel useful anymore. It's probably why I keep tearing up that bathroom. I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing to admit to Gloria. Eh, it'll probably blow over.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Gambling is the best! You hand your hard-earned money to strangers and pray it comes back.

Quote from Pam

Cameron: Pameron Jessica Tucker, where do you think you're going?
Pam: Home. To get down on my knees and beg Bo to come back. I'm just gonna lie and tell him I'm pregnant.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: You really want Lily to think women are weak?!
Lily: Get off my daddy! You're acting this crazy all over a boy?!
Cameron: Oh, Lily, I'm so happy to hear you say that! Now, pull Aunt Pameron's bra strap!


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