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36Quotes from ‘We Need to Talk About Lily’

Modern Family: We Need to Talk About Lily

1014. We Need to Talk About Lily

Aired January 30, 2019

After an exhaustive search, Phil thinks he's finally found a house that Pepper is happy with, if he can just bring himself to sign on the dotted line. Jay is worried when Stella needs surgery. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron try to get closer to Lily by getting tickets to meet a famous vlogger.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Okay, we gave you every tween girl's dream day, and... and you can barely crack a smile.
Lily: It's not my dream day. It's yours. I'm not the same kind of tween girl you guys are.
Cameron: But we love all the same things.
Lily: I've changed. I don't like Beyoncé.
Both: [gasp]
Mitchell: You take that back!
Lily: Or Britney.
Both: [gasp]
Lily: Or Gaga.
Both: [gasp]
Lily: I only fake it 'cause you guys like that stuff. I'm different.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Please, just be home in time. I don't want to crush a man's dreams on my own. You have to do it with me.
Phil: Who knows? We might love his invention.
Claire: It's gonna be stupid.
Phil: Good thing you weren't married to George Foreman or we'd still be grilling our meats one side at a time.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: The vet called. Stella's test results came back. He wants me to bring her in... today.
Manny: Oh, no. Come here, you.
Gloria: Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry. That is the bad thing about loving animals, right? But think about all the wonderful things you gave her, like a beautiful home, delicious food... our marital bed. I'm sorry, Jay, Stella will not be forgotten.
Jay: I'm not putting her down, you goblin. She needs a surgery.
Gloria: Oh. That is such great news.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, even Mitch and Cam agree that he's impossible, and he's never gonna buy a house.
Phil: Yes, he will.
Claire: No. He always manages to find something wrong. The last house, the yoga room was too close to the panic room.
Phil: He was willing to live with that, but the property wasn't zoned for his falcons. This one today, though, checks every single box.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Oh, it's fabulous, Phil. Mother would love it. It's her generosity and my power of attorney that are making this purchase possible.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I can't wait to get to the park. Hey, there's our mailman. Hey! Hey!
Gloria: Settle down, Jay.
Jay: Boy, I'm itchy today. Hey, I hope that dog Bingo's at the park. He's fun to play with. What are you doing? You just missed our turn.
Gloria: I'm just going another way.
Jay: There is no other way. You're not taking us to the park. We're going to the vet.
Gloria: The doctor said that she needs this surgery. She's gonna be fine.
Jay: I feel sick. I need some air. [sticks head out the window]

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: We got to get KimmyLoveandStuff to say hi to Lily.
Cameron: [gasps] Well, there's her dog, Boo, so she's nearby.
Mitchell: Okay, I just got a really sketchy but great idea. Um, did you pack your jerky?
Cameron: Turkey, beef, or salmon?
Mitchell: Here's what we're gonna do.
Cameron: Oh, please. This is not the first time I've lured an animal away from its owner with my purse jerky.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Get back here! I found you a bathroom with a koi pond!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Well, honey, is it... is that why you've been feeling so down, because you... you feel different than us?
Lily: I don't know. I guess I feel different than a lot of people.
Cameron: Well, sweetie, that is one thing your dad and I can relate to.
Mitchell: I guess, well, that's the great thing about having two gay dads. We... We know what it feels like to be an outsider. Okay, but here's what happens. You start finding people who don't quite fit in, and you start not fitting in together. We never want you to feel like you have to be someone else for us.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] By the time we got through to the vet, the surgery was over.
Gloria: And Stella was fine.
Jay: I just have to say Gloria really stepped up and nursed my baby back to health. Only one problem.
Gloria: Stella choose me now.
Jay: It's not real. You give her pain meds. It's like she's sucking up to her dealer.

Quote from Pepper

Phil: Lovely night.
Pepper: What are you doing here?
Phil: I called Ronaldo looking for you.
Pepper: I come to this place when life turns out not to be a musical. I'm up here a lot.
Phil: I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Pepper: Well, Phil, you're not the first person to find me a tad trying. This may shock you, but I don't have many friends. Express some shock, Phil.

Quote from Pepper

Phil: But you have tons of friends. Mitch and Cam love you.
Pepper: Yeah, they're okay in small doses. And a straight-guy friend, never. A lot of straight guys find me...
Phil: Annoying?
Pepper: Intimidating. Wait for me to finish. This isn't Mad Libs.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Oh, what's wrong with Stella?
Jay: She has an elongated soft palate, which is why sometimes it's hard for her to breathe. And she snores a lot.
Gloria: Any chance that they can do you, too?
Jay: This is a serious operation. They have to put her out. What happens if she doesn't wake up? What would I do?!
Manny: When I got my wisdom teeth out, you made me walk the last four blocks to the dentist so you could get an Egg McMuffin before the 10:30 cut-off.
Jay: You're gonna have to let that go.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Crown molding wainscoting, crown molding wainscoting, French door credit score, French door credit score.
Claire: You warming up for a big showing?
Phil: Very big. I finally found Pepper his dream house.
Claire: I can't believe you're still letting that man waste your time. How many houses have you shown him?
Phil: Pfft, only, like... I don't know, like, uh, 120. But we have fun. He's a hoot.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Great. So if Pepper doesn't buy the house today, you agree to stop letting him string you along and drop him as a client.
Phil: How long did you string me along before I closed that deal?
Claire: Honey, you can't get Pepper pregnant and trap him in a house.
Phil: You're on.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Alex's boyfriend, Bill, has cooked up some invention he wants us to invest in. Why us? Because someone inspired him.
[flashback:]
Phil: As you can see, my patent-pending Wear-Chair TM, barely noticeable.
Bill: I love it.
Phil: Whenever I get tired of standing, all I have to do, press this button. A spring-loaded leg jets out to provide me with a comfy seat. [grunts]
Claire: You put it on backwards, didn't you?
Phil: [strained] My point is, Bill, there's a great invention inside all of us.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Okay, uh, I gestured you over here 'cause we need to talk about Lily.
Mitchell: Yes, I puzzled that out. Also, you don't need to whisper. Watch. Honey, your father and I may get divorced because he's thinking about becoming a woman.
Lily: That explains a lot. I'm in between songs.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What is going on with her? I don't want to be shut out like this another day.
Mitchell: I know, but let's... let's not get hysterical.
Cameron: I'm not getting hysterical.
Mitchell: We're minutes away.
Cameron: Fair enough.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I just want to see her smile.
Mitchell: Yeah, okay, I'm gonna text Ronaldo again. Hopefully he got us into that KimmyLoveandStuff party.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: KimmyLoveandStuff is an Internet sensation that Lily loves.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: She tries on clothes, she cries about bullies and plastic.
Mitchell: Our whole family is obsessed with her. And that's the great thing about a tween girl having two gay dads. I mean, we... we love the same things.
Cameron: Cute guys, fashion, gossip.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, my God! Ronaldo, he got us in!
Cameron: Amazing. Okay, we have to get him a thank-you gift.
Mitchell: No, no, he owes you, okay? You gave him your bone marrow.
Cameron: Well, how could I not? He was still hungry, and I wasn't gonna eat any more of it.

Quote from Pepper

Phil: And we make our way back to the formal entryway, which, according to your checklist, "must be large enough to make people swoon when they step inside."
Pepper: I want to do it again. "Ugh, that Pepper claims to be wealthy, but I don't believe it for a... [gasps] Oh, my heavens! We're peasants."

Quote from Pepper

Phil: It's got everything on your list: piano bar, his and his dining rooms, plus a view of Rihanna's roof, which I never quite understood.
Pepper: I did a party for her once, and I could feel those judgy Barbadian eyes looking down on me. Now who's looking down on who, RiRi?
Phil: Like they say, location, location, vengeance.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: So, here I am on an ordinary day in my new house everyone hates me for and I'm walking and I'm kvelling... And we're panting and we're schvitzing... And we're laughing and we're crying... And we're thinking.
[whispering] And I'm putting.
Phil: [whispering] So, you have an entire wardrobe in your car?
Pepper: Shh! ♪ And I'm playing and I'm singing ♪ ♪ And they're loving it ♪

Quote from Claire

Alex: This is a disaster!
Claire: What a fun way to enter a room.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Look, I really like being with Bill, and if I have to turn him down, that means the end of the relationship and all that great sex.
Claire: Really come out of your shell, haven't you?

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: Hello, total strangers. [laughs] Welcome.
Mitchell: Thank you so much for doing this, Ronaldo.
Ronaldo: If anyone asks who you are, say you were looking for the Garth Brooks book signing. They'll believe you because of your clothes.

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: [over headset] This is Ronaldo. Just pick it up, blow on it, and put it back on the tray.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What is going on with you? I've never seen you like this.
Jay: I don't know. When I was 10, Dad came home with a rescue, and I was so damned excited. But the dog wanted nothing to do with me. Went straight to my sister and never left her side. Then years later, we got a puppy who went right to Dede, growled at me every time I went near her. But with Stella, I didn't even bother trying, and she chose me. Now I may never see her again. I-I-I can't sit here. I need to take a walk.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, are you ready to make an offer?
Pepper: I don't know, Phil.
Phil: Don't know what, Pep?
Pepper: I'm just not feeling it.
Phil: Oh.
Pepper: Maybe we should see some more houses?
Phil: No problemo. Um, did you want to look in another neighborhood or stay right here in [shouting] hell?!
Pepper: Aah! Oh! I beg your...
Phil: No, I beg. For God's sakes, buy this house. I've worked harder for you than any client in my entire career. [cellphone ringing] I don't know if you're indecisive, sadistic, or just plain crazy.

Quote from Ronaldo

Phil: [on the phone] Ronaldo. It's Phil Dunphy.
Ronaldo: Hello, Phil. I'm preparing a plate for a diva. Is everything okay?
Phil: Uh, actually, no. I lost my temper with Pepper when he told me he wanted to see more houses, and I've been calling to apologize, but...
Ronaldo: He's not picking up.
Phil: How did you know?
Ronaldo: It seemed the only possible conclusion to your sentence.
Phil: Oh.
Ronaldo: Phil, do you know the reason I stopped house hunting with Pepper?
Phil: Was it when that seller thought Pepper was your grandpa?
Ronaldo: He hasn't let me wear sunscreen since.

Quote from Phil

Ronaldo: [on the phone] I finally realized he wasn't going to buy a house.
Phil: Are you kidding? I've wasted hundreds of hours. I postponed hernia surgery. Why would he do that to me?
Ronaldo: He likes you. Most straight guys find Pepper annoying, but you're always so nice with him. I think he's afraid if he buys a house, he'll never see you again.
Phil: Really? Wow, it's so painful keeping everything inside.
Ronaldo: It's how he was raised.
Phil: No, my truss isn't working. I've got to schedule that procedure.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] Do you know where Pepper is?
Ronaldo: He has a special place he goes when he's sad. It's pretty gay. Have you ever seen the movie "La La Land"?
Phil: Of course. Wait, does he go to the bench overlooking the city where Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone tap danced into each other's hearts? That's not so gay.
Ronaldo: Okay.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: No, no, no, no, no, no. Take those things off, please. We need to talk about whatever's going on with you right now.
Lily: I'm fine.
Mitchell: No, you're not fine. You're sullen and aloof and... And you embarrassed us in front of KimmyLoveandStu... I can't say it again. I can't.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Okay, sweetheart. Let's get you inside. I'll throw on a couple of steaks for both of us. What the hell dog is this?
Gloria: It's Stella.
Jay: No, it's not. Eight years, you don't recognize our dog?
Gloria: Well, ten years, and you don't notice one haircut?

Quote from Pepper

Phil: Don't you believe that I like you, though, Pepper?
Pepper: I want to, but maybe I'm just a big, fat mother's purse to you.
Phil: I'm your friend, Pepper.
Pepper: [gasps] What are you doing? This is a yellow suit!
Phil: ♪ Till the end, Pepper ♪
Pepper: You're making a scene! ♪ I know that old line ♪ ♪ But as soon as I sign, he'll toss me aside like ♪ ♪ Yesterday's wine ♪
Phil: ♪ My heart's on my sleeve ♪
Pepper: ♪ I want to believe ♪ This is weird. We're people!

Quote from Pepper

Phil: Look. The only way you're ever gonna find out if we're friends is if you buy that house and see if I stick around.
Pepper: Seems like an expensive experiment.
Phil: Sign the offer, if you love the house. Either that or fire me. It's the only way you're gonna know.
Pepper: [signs My heart is in your...
Phil: I'll see you.
Pepper: I knew it. Assassin!
Phil: [laughing] I'm messing with you. That's what I do with my friends.
Pepper: [laughing] Oh. I see. Delightful. I'm new at straight chummery.


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