Cameron: Do you think it would be offensive if I asked our daughter to walk on my back?
Phil: I'd say so. I just offered to give you a massage.

Haley: What were you thinking saying that in front of him?
Alex: I'm sorry. It slipped out. Besides, I figured he knew. Mom knows.
Haley: Only because she dragged it out of Dylan. And she promised not to tell dad until I left for college, which means he might have never found out.

Phil: Let me buy Lily a new doll. It's my fault Cam fell.
Mitchell: No, no need. Uh, the My Sweet Companion store actually has a hospital with an on-call doctor.
Phil: Well, I can go. I'm taking the girls to the mall anyway.
Mitchell: Oh, that'd be great.
Cameron: Yeah. And don't worry. She has medical insurance.
Mitchell: Yeah, and I think we've met our deductible for the year, so you should be good.
Cameron: Yeah.
Gloria: Do you know what a doll is in my village? An apple on a fork!

Phil: This repair's probably gonna take a little while. Why don't you run up to the food court and grab us a table? I'll get Alex and Lily.
Haley: Okay. Do you want the counter or a booth?
Phil: Whatever seems right to you. I trust you. [Phil hugs Haley]
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I have a cool dad.

Cameron: Claire, did you ever find that tupperware I lent you?
Claire: Sweetie, for the hundredth time, I gave it back to you, remember?
Cameron: I remember you telling me a hundred times, yet my pea soup is in baggies.

Jay: Don't sweat it, Cam. I forget things all the time. Like I can never remember the name of that weather guy that I liked. Uh, Thunder something. Stormy... Flash Stormy? Ah, whatever the hell it is. I don't know.
Gloria: Mm, just eat your eggs, Jay.
Lily: Yeah, just eat your eggs, Jay.
Cameron: Grandpa got told!

Jay: And I should remember his name, too, because your mom and I got in a big fight over him. She was using the convertible, and I told her, "Put the top up because it's supposed to rain tonight, according to" P-p-p- Partly McCloudy? Whatever the hell his name is. Anyway, she didn't. It ruined the car.

Cameron: Oh! My back! Ooh! My back!
Phil: Can I give you a Swedish massage, accent optional?

Lily: Oh, no! You broke Beatrice. Now she can't feed the dolphins.
Gloria: What is she talking about?
Mitchell: Oh, it's a "My Sweet Companion" doll. They all have these elaborate backstories. Beatrice works with blind dolphins and models.
Gloria: [gasps] There are blind models? That's so sad. They cannot see how pretty they are.

Phil: Okay! Okay! We're gonna have to settle this dispute in court. The food court. The honorable Judge Cinnabon presiding.
Haley: The food court? That place smells like the inside of Luke's bicycle helmet.
Alex: I like the food court.
Lily: Me, too.
Phil: Don't worry, girls. We're not gonna deprive ourselves just 'cause of Haley's aversion-
Alex: [laughing]
Alex: Oh. Oh, Haley's "aversion." I thought you said... Never mind.