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53Quotes from ‘Farm Strong’

Modern Family: Farm Strong

504. Farm Strong

Aired October 9, 2013

When Cameron's older, single sister Pam visits, he decides to keep the news of his and Mitchell's engagement secret. Phil and Claire decide to skip Luke's soccer game so they can get some household chores done. Meanwhile, Jay thinks Gloria is in denial about needing reading glasses, on the 100th episode of Modern Family.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Hey, what are you doing with those swatches? She's gonna be here any minute. I told you to put all this wedding stuff away.
Mitchell: Are these really our top-two choices for color palette? Why are they both white?
Lily: That's what my friend Keisha asks about you and daddy.

Quote from Pam

Cameron: Okay, I hope you're hungry.
Pam: Starving. That damn airline ran out of roast beef. Tried to fast talk me into eating something called "hoo-mus."

Quote from Lily

Pam: What's this?
Cameron: Oh, uh, that's an action figure.
Pam: It's two grooms.
Mitchell: They melted together in the car on a very, very hot day.
Cameron: It was 103.
Lily: My daddies are getting married.
Pam: Your dads are getting married? That can't be right.
Lily: That's what my friend Keisha says.

Quote from Jay

Alex: Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with Friends."
Jay: Better luck next time, kid.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask. Did you cheat? Is that how you won?
Jay: I never took you for a sore loser.
Alex: That's not an answer.
Jay: Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out. [drops phone]
Alex: You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Jay: Damn it!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Instead of hiding all this stuff, why don't you just tell Pam we're getting married?
Cameron: I will, when she's ready. Carefully and preferably in a large, open field.
Mitchell: She's your sister, not The Hulk.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: My big sister, Pam, is emotionally fragile and she's still single, so when she finds out I'm getting married before she is. Whoo! Look out. She can be meaner than a barn owl at sunset.
Mitchell: Because that's when they wake up?
Cameron: Yep. That's morning time for a barn owl.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [aside to camera] A few months ago, Luke joined a club soccer team and at first we were thrilled.
Claire: But then we realized it takes over your whole weekend.
Phil: And not in the cool MythBusters marathon way.
Claire: Luke sits on the bench a lot. Which means we sit in the hot sun for like eight hours, just to see him play five minutes.
Phil: But what a five minutes. Tell them about last week.
Claire: Oh, yeah. Luke stopped a goal with his face. Too bad he doesn't remember that.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What if we sent Luke to the game without us today?
Phil: We can't do that.
Claire: Why not? Missing one tournament doesn't make us bad parents. My mom never went to any of my stuff. I'm fine.
Phil: Why didn't she go to any of your stuff?
Claire: Because she was an incredibly competitive woman who didn't like to see me do very well at anything, but I think it's pretty clear who won.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Say, listen, your dad and I were just talking about you maybe wanting to go to the game without us today.
Luke: Oh.
Phil: But it's totally up to you. Whatever you want because we love you very much.
Claire: Right. You can either ride with some of your teammates, like the L.A. Kings, or you can ride with us, like Gloria and Grandpa take Joe to play-dates. Professional athlete, little poopy baby. Your call.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Did he even give you an eye test?
Gloria: He put the spoon in one eye, the spoon in the other eye, the puff puff, the eye drops. Twenty-twenty. Now who's the Magoo?
Jay: What the hell language was that?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: It just doesn't make sense. I mean, he's got to be after our drilling rights.
Pam: I knew it. This is why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you couldn't stand the thought of me landing the man of your dreams!
Mitchell: "Dreams" is strong.
Pam: Believe it or not, Bo and I are in love. He thinks I'm beautiful, and he's right. And for the record, Bo has twice the land we do. He has absolutely no interest in my drilling rights! Not that kind, at least.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Seriously, Pameron?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, buddy. I'm so sorry I missed your game.
Claire: We are both so sorry we missed your game.
Phil: The universe punished me. I did something awful to a bunch of baby crows.
Manny: Actually, it's not a bunch of crows. It's called a murder.
Phil: I know what I did!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Don't worry about it, big guy. I have trouble smelling lemons.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Hey, I got one. Remember that blue rotary phone you gave me for Christmas?
Cameron: Yes.
Jay: I tossed it.
Cameron: Okay. May I ask the reason?
Jay: It made me feel like Ann-Margret in "Bye Bye Birdie."
Phil: Why?!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Well, I for one love that you're getting older. It makes me feel closer to you.
Gloria: So you'll like it if I get all wrinkly and saggy?
Jay: Well, I wouldn't make it a goal.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, I'll wear them. [puts the glasses on, gasps]
Jay: What?
Gloria: Nothing. You have lines there. I can see them very clearly now with these-
Jay: Okay, okay, these are just for reading.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I won't be able to hear her. She won't be able to see me.
Gloria: We'll be together forever.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Remember before we had kids and we could just lie in bed on Saturday.
Claire: That's how we got them.
Phil: Why did I have to be so sexy?

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm working now, you know, and I really need my weekends back to- to catch up on errands.
Phil: I don't know. It just feels wrong.
Claire: Would it feel wrong to use that robot gutter cleaner that's been sitting in the box for the last three weeks?
Phil: No, that would feel right. So right. Did I tell you I call it "the gutter done"?
Claire: You did! I love "gutter done". It's your sense of humor. It's so fun.
Phil: Okay, stop drilling. You struck oil.

Quote from Claire

Phil: You know, if we're not going, we could stay in bed a little longer.
Claire: No, thank you.
Phil: Okay.
Claire: Don't want to have this conversation again in 15 years.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, take that bow out of her hair. I don't want to rub our daughter's adorableness in my barren sister's face.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Well, the damn airline lost my trunk. Now I'm gonna have to make new clothes.
Cameron: Oh, no.
Pam: Yep. I need to squeeze something. Get over here, Lily.
Lily: I'm good.
Mitchell: Yeah, well, she's shy.

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: So, Pam, we've got some big news.
Pam: Speaking of big news, you remember that little ugly girl I used to babysit, Britney Horner?
Cameron: Yeah.
Pam: Well, she got married last summer, and now she's pregnant with twins. So, if you're keeping track, that's ugly - 2, me - nothing. What's your news?
Mitchell: Um, well...
Cameron: We're getting a new dryer.
Pam: Oh. Well, I'm very happy for y'all.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Pam: How come I never get a new dryer?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Mom, in all the time you've known grandpa, has he ever used the word "fluxions"?
Claire: That is not an f-word I have heard him use.
Alex: He's beating me in "Words with Friends." How is that even possible?
Haley: Shouldn't you be playing "Words with friends" with friends?
Alex: Grandpa is my friend.
Haley: Of course he is. That's not sad. What?

Quote from Jay

Manny: You call that folded? Where's that military precision?
Jay: We didn't fold many onesies in the Navy.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I'm back!
Jay: What did the doctor say?
Gloria: He said my eyes are perfect.
Jay: Where was he looking when he said it?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [to waiter] I'll take this one. It looks very good.
Jay: That's their address, Magoo.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Did you see that fresh coat of nail polish? She never went to the doctor.
Manny: Why would she lie?
Jay: She's vain, Manny. She doesn't want to wear glasses.
Manny: Well, she's only hurting herself.
[Stella barks]

Quote from Cameron

Pam: I want my baby brother to be happy. And as long as we're sharing, I have some news. You remember Bo Johnson?
Cameron: Oh, my gosh, how could I forget? Oh! He was my first crush. Please tell me nothing happened to his face. What did he fall into?
Pam: He fell into me. We're engaged!

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I didn't feel guilty for missing Luke's soccer tournament because I had a ton of errands I figured would take me all day to finish. But for some weird reason, I was flying through my list. I ended up in every short line. I made every green light. It was the ultimate karmic bitch-slap. Because suddenly I had no more errands, which meant no more excuses, which meant me at that boring soccer tournament.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Okay, that's it. Grandpa's cheating.
Haley: On Gloria? How could he possibly do better?
Alex: No, not on Gloria, on this game. I've never lost it to anyone.
Haley: Keep playing word games with Grandpa, and you never will.

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's a gutter cleaner. Ladies, I give you the future. How many times have you girls seen me fall off this ladder? Now that's gonna happen less.
Haley: Looks like your, uh, gutter cleaner is stuck on something.
Phil: Not a problem. This baby detects blockage and then ramps up the power. That's why I've nicknamed it "The gutter done".
Haley: Stop!
Alex: Dad!
Phil: Sorry, it's such a missed opportunity.

Quote from Phil

Alex: It's a bird's nest!
Phil: No!
Haley: And they're all dead!
Alex: Oh, my God!
Haley: You killed them!
Phil: Honey, it wasn't me! It was the robot! It doesn't know! [bird squawks] I'm sorry!

Quote from Jay

Manny: Mom! Mom! Help!
Gloria: What?! What happened?!
Jay: I just ate a handful of this rat poison.
Gloria: Why?!
Jay: I thought it was trail mix. Why do I keep it so close together?
Manny: I'll call 911!
Gloria: Here, read the box! Tell me what it says to do! Hurry!
Gloria: It says-
Jay: I don't have much time!
Gloria: In the...
Jay: And I'm dead.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You'd rather kill your husband than admit you need glasses.
Manny: Wow, Mom.
Gloria: It's not poison?
Jay: Oh, there's rat poison, and I do keep it dangerously close to the trail mix, but this was to point out that your vanity could be fatal.
Gloria: I knew this was all a trick. That's why I acted like I couldn't read that box!
Jay: How many people have to pretend to die, Gloria?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: It just doesn't make any sense. Pam and Bo Johnson? My Bo Johnson?
Mitchell: "My"? Should it bother me that you're this jealous of an old crush?
Cameron: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Bo is straight. He'd probably never go for me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone, affecting a less camp persona] Hey, dude. It's Cam. Where? Been good. Been real, real good. So, you and Pam, huh? Hey, better be good to my old sis, or I'll have to wrestle you down. Hey, question. Do you still have that friendship bracelet that I made for you? Oh, okay. Yeah, okay, if you're busy, I'll have Pam call you back. Hey, and, Bo, congratulations. You too. [hangs up] Can you believe it?
Mitchell: Oh, and we're gay again.

Quote from Cameron

Pam: They warned me, you know.
Cameron: Who warned you?
Pam: The whole family said you wouldn't take it well. Ever since you moved to the city 'cause you couldn't hack it on the farm.
Cameron: "Couldn't hack it"?
Pam: Yeah, that's right. Everyone knows, Cam, you're not farm strong.
Cameron: You take that back, Pameron Jessica Tucker!
Pam: I will not! You are weak and weepy. That's why we can't ever say anything to you 'cause we know you'll crumble into a big heaping mess!
Cameron: Oh, are you saying I'm the one people have to step around? That I'm the Pam of the family?
Pam: You mean the Cam of the family?! 'Cause that's what we all call it!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] I killed a bunch of baby birds.
Claire: What?
Phil: My robot wiped out the nest. And now the mom's just staring at me. They recognize faces, you know. I saw it in a documentary.

Quote from Jay

Alex: Hey Grandpa, great word you played earlier today. What does "syzygy" even mean?
Jay: It means 45 points. Ha!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, everybody, you remember my sister, Pam.
Claire: Oh, hi, Pam.
Cameron: She's here to pay a visit and cast aspersions.
Pam: Oh, grow up.
Cameron: You grow up.
Pam: Real good one. Hi, y'all. I brought boar.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, can you believe she said I'm the emotionally fragile one? I mean, how crazy is that?
Mitchell: Boy.
Cameron: "Boy"? Is that your thinly veiled way of saying you agree with her?
Mitchell: Pfft.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? If I was fragile, I would care, but I'm not, so I don't.
Mitchell: Good.
Cameron: Good. And you know what? That shirt washes you out, so don't be shocked when someone mistakes you for a beige candle.

Quote from Phil

Pam: Sorry. It's my parents again. I'm getting married soon, and they're already acting like they have 'empty-nest-syndrome'.
Phil: Mm.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: I talked Phil into skipping Luke's game, and then I went, and, of course, he played the game of his life. But Luke doesn't want to tell Phil about the game now because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
Cameron: Oh, well, I think it's sweet that Luke's protecting Phil. You know, we all have to protect my sister in my family because she's such a disaster.
Claire: Mm.
Cameron: I mean, you can see it, right?
Claire: I think it was a little weird she brought pig to a party.
Cameron: Hey! I can say it.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Hey, hon. I'm sorry about what I did before. I saw this, and I thought it would look beautiful on you.
Gloria: You know I can't stay mad at you when you buy me... glasses, you son of a bitch!

Quote from Phil

Cameron: In fact, I would like everyone to be honest with me, please, right now. No sugar-coating. My sister here seems to think you all have to walk on eggshells around me.
Phil: Eggshells.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, well, why don't you give me an example of something you haven't told me because you were worried I couldn't handle it? Go on.
Claire: All right. Last week when we were supposed to have lunch and you cancelled, Beyonce was at the restaurant.
Cameron: Okay. The singer or Pepper's dog?
Claire: The singer. And when I was leaving, I-I-I stopped and I said hello to her and we chatted for like 10 minutes.
Cameron: Okay, that's great. I'm glad you had that experience? I mean, I don't know what you talked to her about, seeing that you don't know any of her songs other than "Single Ladies," which everyone knows.
Jay: I love that song.
Gloria: I'm surprised you can hear it.

Quote from Manny

Mitchell: Well, this was fun. Who's hungry? Hey, where's that boar?
Cameron: Okay, anyone else?
Manny: Well, since we're coming clean, you overuse the word "divine." It's just an ice-cream sandwich. You're the boy who cried "divine."
Cameron: Okay. Was not aware of that. Duly noted.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, anyone else?
Haley: I don't really like the shirts with the crazy cuffs.
Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Can you push your boobs down? Because I couldn't hear you.
Pam: Here we go.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Sometimes when you read to me, I pretend to fall asleep so you'll go.
Cameron: [wails]
Jay: I heard that one.
Cameron: Well, I heard you all loud and clear. I have to use the restroom.
Phil: So, Cam, you're sensitive. Big deal. It's one of your best qualities.
Cameron: Thank you Phil. And I'm sorry your Beyonce-loving wife went to Luke's game without you. [pulls handle off door] See? Farm strong!

Quote from Phil

Phil: You went to Luke's game?
Claire: I did, Phil, and I am so sorry. I did not mean to. But then he started playing the most amazing game, and I got so wrapped up in it. I know I should have called.
Phil: Yeah, you should've called. You were amazing?
Claire: Oh, he was incredible. I wish you'd been there.
Phil: Then why'd you make me skip it?! I knew you had it in you!
Claire: Oh, coach said he's gonna start next week.
Phil: You're starting? I'm so mad at you! I'm so proud of you!

Quote from Cameron

Pam: Look, I'm real sorry I said what I said.
Cameron: No, no, you're right. I am the Cam of the family. Apparently, I'm the Cam of two families, so...
Pam: So what if you go a little cuckoo when you get bad news? You also go all cuckoo when you hear good news. It's one of the things I love most about you.
Mitchell: No, that's- That's true. You're the- You're the first person I call when I have good news. I mean, remember when I got my adult braces removed?
Cameron: Your teeth look divi-- Divine. See? I can't help it. I'm a celebrator.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: And I should have celebrated how lucky Bo is to land a great gal like you.
Pam: Aww. Look at me. I'm crying like a Cam. Sorry, old habits.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Are you mad because I embarrassed you?
Jay: Forget about it. And I'm gonna ease up on the glasses, too. It's just that I worry, you know, you're not seeing everything.
Gloria: I'm getting old, Jay. When Manny was little, I used to run around with him all day without getting tired. Today at Joe's baby class, a six-year-old had to pull me out of the ball pit.
Jay: Hold on. Manny used to run around?
Gloria: All the mothers are so young and perky. I hate being the oldest one there.


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