Cameron: Hey, what are you doing with those swatches? She's gonna be here any minute. I told you to put all this wedding stuff away.
Mitchell: Are these really our top-two choices for color palette? Why are they both white?
Lily: That's what my friend Keisha asks about you and daddy.

Cameron: Okay, I hope you're hungry.
Pam: Starving. That damn airline ran out of roast beef. Tried to fast talk me into eating something called "hoo-mus."

Pam: What's this?
Cameron: Oh, uh, that's an action figure.
Pam: It's two grooms.
Mitchell: They melted together in the car on a very, very hot day.
Cameron: It was 103.
Lily: My daddies are getting married.
Pam: Your dads are getting married? That can't be right.
Lily: That's what my friend Keisha says.

Alex: Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with Friends."
Jay: Better luck next time, kid.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask. Did you cheat? Is that how you won?
Jay: I never took you for a sore loser.
Alex: That's not an answer.
Jay: Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out. [drops phone]
Alex: You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Jay: Damn it!

Mitchell: Instead of hiding all this stuff, why don't you just tell Pam we're getting married?
Cameron: I will, when she's ready. Carefully and preferably in a large, open field.
Mitchell: She's your sister, not The Hulk.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: My big sister, Pam, is emotionally fragile and she's still single, so when she finds out I'm getting married before she is. Whoo! Look out. She can be meaner than a barn owl at sunset.
Mitchell: Because that's when they wake up?
Cameron: Yep. That's morning time for a barn owl.

Phil: [aside to camera] A few months ago, Luke joined a club soccer team and at first we were thrilled.
Claire: But then we realized it takes over your whole weekend.
Phil: And not in the cool MythBusters marathon way.
Claire: Luke sits on the bench a lot. Which means we sit in the hot sun for like eight hours, just to see him play five minutes.
Phil: But what a five minutes. Tell them about last week.
Claire: Oh, yeah. Luke stopped a goal with his face. Too bad he doesn't remember that.

Claire: What if we sent Luke to the game without us today?
Phil: We can't do that.
Claire: Why not? Missing one tournament doesn't make us bad parents. My mom never went to any of my stuff. I'm fine.
Phil: Why didn't she go to any of your stuff?
Claire: Because she was an incredibly competitive woman who didn't like to see me do very well at anything, but I think it's pretty clear who won.

Claire: Say, listen, your dad and I were just talking about you maybe wanting to go to the game without us today.
Luke: Oh.
Phil: But it's totally up to you. Whatever you want because we love you very much.
Claire: Right. You can either ride with some of your teammates, like the L.A. Kings, or you can ride with us, like Gloria and Grandpa take Joe to play-dates. Professional athlete, little poopy baby. Your call.

Jay: Did he even give you an eye test?
Gloria: He put the spoon in one eye, the spoon in the other eye, the puff puff, the eye drops. Twenty-twenty. Now who's the Magoo?
Jay: What the hell language was that?

Cameron: It just doesn't make sense. I mean, he's got to be after our drilling rights.
Pam: I knew it. This is why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you couldn't stand the thought of me landing the man of your dreams!
Mitchell: "Dreams" is strong.
Pam: Believe it or not, Bo and I are in love. He thinks I'm beautiful, and he's right. And for the record, Bo has twice the land we do. He has absolutely no interest in my drilling rights! Not that kind, at least.