Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Catch of the Day’ Quotes

Modern Family: Catch of the Day

903. Catch of the Day

Aired October 11, 2017

Phil is nervous that he will have a day of bad luck after failing to complete his daily underpants superstition. Mitchell wonders why the kitchen renovator seems to respect Cameron more than him. Meanwhile, Haley is forced to experience the world without a cell phone, and Jay is determined to get Gloria to admit she was in a car accident.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: When did we decide that Lily could go to Disneyland? I thought we were gonna talk about this.
Cameron: She's missing one day of school. I missed half of the fifth grade because of a pig bite, and I'm just as educated as anyone else.
Mitchell: Really? When we met, you thought you grew up in Central America.
Cameron: Missouri is in the center of America.
Mitchell: Okay. You also thought that the cavemen killed the dinosaurs.
Cameron: Were you there?

Rate

Quote from Joe

Jay: I know she got to you, but, uh, I need you to tell me the truth.
Joe: Is that ice cream for me?
Jay: Could be. What happened to your mom's car? [Joe is silent] I can wait all day, but the trouble with ice cream is, it melts.
Joe: I like it when it melts.
Jay: What do you mean you like it when it melts? Nobody likes ice cream when it melts.
Joe: It's like soup.
Jay: You hate soup.
Joe: Not chocolate soup.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I was just out in the garage. Is there anything you want to tell me?
Gloria: Uh, yes. I got rid of your exercise machine. It was a piece of junk.
Jay: You owe me and Chuck Norris an apology. But I'm talking about the dent in your car. Did you hit something we can talk about, or should I hose the front and find a body shop that doesn't ask questions?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I didn't hit anything. Someone must have hit me when I was inside the store with Joe. But talking about accidents, if your dog pees one more time in one of my slippers, I may accidentally leave her at the beach.
Jay: [to Stella] I would never let that happen. And don't lash out at her. If you crashed the car, just tell me.
Gloria: I didn't. And I don't appreciate being called a liar.
Jay: Are you kidding? You can never admit to making a mistake and it drives me crazy. Remember that romantic trip we took to Rome, Indiana?
Gloria: That's where I wanted to go. I meant to buy those tickets.
Jay: Then why did you learn Italian?
Gloria: Mamma mia, Jay. If I had been in an accident, I will admit it. Now, I have to go and buy more slippers online.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Bo is Pam's baby daddy, currently incarcerated back in Grasshopper, Missouri, for punching a police horse. And now, I'm worried she's just gonna throw her future away by getting back together with him. It's crazy how weak she is with him when she's so strong in other ways. I mean, she is the three-time winner of the country-fair mule drag.

Quote from Joe

Jay: Tell me what happened to your mom's car, and you can have your ice cream.
Gloria: Hello, Jay.
Jay: Gloria, I...
Gloria: Look at you, trying to bribe a five-year-old. You should be ashamed. Let's go, Joe. Now that you're awake, Mommy's gonna fix you a healthy snack. [exits]
Joe: Check her phone.
Jay: Huh?
Joe: Check her phone. And leave the ice cream. It'll be nice and warm when I get back.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, I'm sorry. You're my wife. I love you, and I trust you.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: You can't reason with a sociopath. You lure them with kindness. You lull them into thinking you're on the same side, and then nail them with incontrovertible evidence, which I had. I also found out I'm still listed in her phone as "Jay, Red Tracksuit."

Quote from Haley

[aside to camera:]
Haley: It was the longest I've been without a phone since phones. It was hard at first... the twitching thumbs, the phantom vibrations, salads left un-Instagrammed. But then the strangest thing happened.
[flashback:]
Haley: Have you ever stopped to smell these things? [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Haley: It's been years since I LOL'd IRL. I even found an old book in the truck and started reading it. The only problem was, people kept interrupting. I didn't need a phone anymore. I just needed a quiet place to find out how they kill that mockingbird.

Quote from Pam

Cameron: Pameron Jessica Tucker, listen to me. You need to stop those dirty jailbird phone calls right this second with Bo, or I am...
Pam: Oh, my God! You've been listening in on my private conversation?
Cameron: You should be ashamed of yourself. Talking like a girl from Cricketsville, you were raised better than that.
Pam: You stay the hell out of my business. And stop looking down your nose at Cricketsville. They got a Target now with a Banksy on the side of it.
Cameron: Yeah, right. I'm sure Banksy drove to Cricketsville and painted on the s... Oh, you mean the ATM.
Pam: Well, what the hell else would I be talking about?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Hi, my name is Cameron Tucker, and I would like to speak to one of your inmates. His name is Bo Johnson. Sally Mae Jenkins? Oh, of course I remember you! Oh, wait, but... I'm not surprised you're answering phones at a prison. You always had the prettiest voice in Central America.

Quote from Pam

Pam: You called Bo, you ginormous mountain of stupid?!
Cameron: Yeah, that's right, I did. And I told him you were getting your life together here with your baby and he needed to back off.
Pam: He didn't even know I had his baby.
Cameron: What?
Pam: Now he knows where I am. He's gonna come looking for me when he gets out! You ruined everything, you giant, horse-faced dummy.
Cameron: I'm not sure why every insult needs a size component.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, morning, guys. You missed a beautiful sunrise. You know, living without a phone these past few days has been such a gift. Colors are brighter. Tastes are tastier. Have you ever eaten a peach? I mean, really eaten a peach? Well, most of this is in my short story. The best part, though, has been really getting to know you two. Dad, you are so funny. And you have such kind eyes. And, Mom, president of a closet company? Way to go! I guess that's why it makes it so hard to say goodbye. [picks up phone] Came in this morning. Luke set it up for me. He really shot up, huh? Anyway, in the weeks to come, try and remember that, uh... [cell phone pings] Wh- That skank! No way!

Quote from Joe

Jay: Hey, kid. Wake up. We need to talk.
Joe: What?
Jay: Your mom's car got a big dent in it. Now, I know you were with her. Did you see how that happened?
Joe: Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store.
Jay: That's what your mom said, but if it was something else, like, I don't know, she got into a little fender bender, you could tell me.
Joe: Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store.

Quote from Pam

Cameron: Look, I'm really sorry. I had no idea that wasn't Bo on the phone. Who else would you be so... intimate with?
Pam: Anybody who can pay three bucks a minute for nasty talk.
Cameron: Okay, you're a phone-sex operator?
Pam: My real-person modeling gigs haven't been paying the bills. And I needed a job where I could stay at home with the baby.
Cameron: I didn't even know that still existed. Like, I thought it was all apps and the Internet now.
Pam: Not everyone leads your coastal-elite lifestyle, Cam. There's a whole country full of decent, hardworking Americans who still want to torque their doolies on the phone, you gargantuan snob!
Cameron: Just could've said "snob."

Quote from Claire

Claire: Good morning, sunshine. How was your night in the yard?
Haley: Perfect. I like sleeping outside.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Haley lost her keys again. She's been going through this irresponsible phase.
Claire: Yeah, for 25 years. I'm not gonna let her get to 26.
Phil: [chuckling] Just to be clear, Claire's not going to kill her.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [o.s.] Let me in! Please!
Claire: No.
Haley: Please?
Claire: This is just like when we Ferberized her as a baby. Let her cry it out. She'll settle down.
Haley: Why?!
Phil: What if I just throw a blanket out there? Something that smells like us.
Haley: You can't leave me out here! It's 2:00 in the morning! I have to change for a party.
Phil: Good night, honey.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Morning, Phil.
Phil: No! It's not a... It's not a good morning. It's gonna be an even worse day.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Every morning, before I shower, I kick off my underwear. If I catch it, it's gonna be a great day. If I don't, disaster. I know that sounds crazy, but it's an old family ritual my grandfather did until the day he died. A day, you guessed it, that he dropped his underwear.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I don't know what happened. It was a strong kick, ankle flick was on point.
Claire: It is just a ridiculous superstition.
Phil: Ridiculous? Let's review. They day I Rollerbladed into bees, I dropped my underwear.
Claire: Mm.
Phil: The night I Rollerbladed into that campfire...
Claire: How about you stop Rollerblading?
Phil: How about I stop breathing?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Step away from the pipe, Cam. Come on. You're better than that.
Cameron: No, I'm not, and neither are you. You eavesdropped on that couple behind us at "Bridget Jones's Baby."
Mitchell: Oh, no, that wasn't eavesdropping. We were in public. And do you think I really wanted to hear that moron's recap of the first movie? Half those details were from "Love Actually."

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey, um, I-I don't want to make a big deal about this, but do you notice how he calls you "Boss" and me "Mitch"?
Cameron: No, but I did notice how one of his little pouches on his tool belt is filled with jelly beans. How cute is that?
Mitchell: The point is, he treats you like the actual boss and me like I'm some, you know, ditzy trophy wife.
Cameron: First of all, I thought we agreed we had the rare dual-trophy-wife situation.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, Phil, could you change the lightbulb down in the kitchen?
Phil: First you ask me to help clean the window screens. Now you want me to do something with a ladder and electricity? Have you forgotten about my underwear, Claire?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Look, I have friends whose husbands are mean or drink too much or don't come home at all. And in that moment, I envied those friends.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Fine. I will change the lightbulb in the kitchen. You can put away this nice, soft, fluffy laundry.
Phil: All right.
Claire: Don't worry. There's not even any zippers or buttons. Nothing sharp in there. Wouldn't want you to lose a finger in a tragic folding incident. [doorbell rings]
Phil: Oh, hey. I was putting away that harmless laundry when I stepped on Luke's skateboard, rolled out the screenless window, and landed in the hedge. But you're right. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the underwear.

Quote from Manny

Manny: She never admits when she's wrong.
Jay: Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the crazy one.
Manny: Yeah, she'll do that to you. I got IBS when she refused to admit that she threw out my collection of Playbills.
Jay: I'm gonna pretend you said "the flu" and Playboys and move on.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Eh, I guess I miss you being around to share that eye roll when she gets kooky.
Manny: I always thought you were rolling your eyes at me.
Jay: Well, that, too.
Manny: At least she's worth it, right?
Jay: Definitely. So, did she ever cop to the Playbills?
Manny: You know what? Yeah, eventually, but only because she did something worse.
Jay: Wow.
Manny: It's actually a good thing. As long as she's denying the accident, you know that's the worst thing she's done.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Yes, I chose to be entombed in a wall rather than admit to Cam that I was eavesdropping. And, yes, I realize couple's counseling should be back on the table.


 Episode 902 Episode 904 
  Select another episode