Mitchell: When did we decide that Lily could go to Disneyland? I thought we were gonna talk about this.
Cameron: She's missing one day of school. I missed half of the fifth grade because of a pig bite, and I'm just as educated as anyone else.
Mitchell: Really? When we met, you thought you grew up in Central America.
Cameron: Missouri is in the center of America.
Mitchell: Okay. You also thought that the cavemen killed the dinosaurs.
Cameron: Were you there?

Jay: I know she got to you, but, uh, I need you to tell me the truth.
Joe: Is that ice cream for me?
Jay: Could be. What happened to your mom's car? [Joe is silent] I can wait all day, but the trouble with ice cream is, it melts.
Joe: I like it when it melts.
Jay: What do you mean you like it when it melts? Nobody likes ice cream when it melts.
Joe: It's like soup.
Jay: You hate soup.
Joe: Not chocolate soup.

Cameron: Pameron Jessica Tucker, listen to me. You need to stop those dirty jailbird phone calls right this second with Bo, or I am...
Pam: Oh, my God! You've been listening in on my private conversation?
Cameron: You should be ashamed of yourself. Talking like a girl from Cricketsville, you were raised better than that.
Pam: You stay the hell out of my business. And stop looking down your nose at Cricketsville. They got a Target now with a Banksy on the side of it.
Cameron: Yeah, right. I'm sure Banksy drove to Cricketsville and painted on the s... Oh, you mean the ATM.
Pam: Well, what the hell else would I be talking about?

Jay: I was just out in the garage. Is there anything you want to tell me?
Gloria: Uh, yes. I got rid of your exercise machine. It was a piece of junk.
Jay: You owe me and Chuck Norris an apology. But I'm talking about the dent in your car. Did you hit something we can talk about, or should I hose the front and find a body shop that doesn't ask questions?

Jay: Tell me what happened to your mom's car, and you can have your ice cream.
Gloria: Hello, Jay.
Jay: Gloria, I...
Gloria: Look at you, trying to bribe a five-year-old. You should be ashamed. Let's go, Joe. Now that you're awake, Mommy's gonna fix you a healthy snack. [exits]
Joe: Check her phone.
Jay: Huh?
Joe: Check her phone. And leave the ice cream. It'll be nice and warm when I get back.

Gloria: I didn't hit anything. Someone must have hit me when I was inside the store with Joe. But talking about accidents, if your dog pees one more time in one of my slippers, I may accidentally leave her at the beach.
Jay: [to Stella] I would never let that happen. And don't lash out at her. If you crashed the car, just tell me.
Gloria: I didn't. And I don't appreciate being called a liar.
Jay: Are you kidding? You can never admit to making a mistake and it drives me crazy. Remember that romantic trip we took to Rome, Indiana?
Gloria: That's where I wanted to go. I meant to buy those tickets.
Jay: Then why did you learn Italian?
Gloria: Mamma mia, Jay. If I had been in an accident, I will admit it. Now, I have to go and buy more slippers online.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Bo is Pam's baby daddy, currently incarcerated back in Grasshopper, Missouri, for punching a police horse. And now, I'm worried she's just gonna throw her future away by getting back together with him. It's crazy how weak she is with him when she's so strong in other ways. I mean, she is the three-time winner of the country-fair mule drag.

Jay: Gloria, I'm sorry. You're my wife. I love you, and I trust you.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: You can't reason with a sociopath. You lure them with kindness. You lull them into thinking you're on the same side, and then nail them with incontrovertible evidence, which I had. I also found out I'm still listed in her phone as "Jay, Red Tracksuit."

[aside to camera:]
Haley: It was the longest I've been without a phone since phones. It was hard at first... the twitching thumbs, the phantom vibrations, salads left un-Instagrammed. But then the strangest thing happened.
[flashback:]
Haley: Have you ever stopped to smell these things? [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Haley: It's been years since I LOL'd IRL. I even found an old book in the truck and started reading it. The only problem was, people kept interrupting. I didn't need a phone anymore. I just needed a quiet place to find out how they kill that mockingbird.

Cameron: [on the phone] Hi, my name is Cameron Tucker, and I would like to speak to one of your inmates. His name is Bo Johnson. Sally Mae Jenkins? Oh, of course I remember you! Oh, wait, but... I'm not surprised you're answering phones at a prison. You always had the prettiest voice in Central America.