Alex: Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Phil: Sweet Lorna Doone. Nineteen missed calls? I wonder who's... [answering phone] Phil Dunphy. You saw the ad? Great. Do you know what you're looking for? The little one. I think I know which one you're talking about. Um, if you're interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character. What? I think the carpet matches the drapes. I haven't checked in a while. Both of them? Wow. Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back? We'll set up an appointment. It will give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Luke: Looking great, Dad.
Phil: With these steps, I break the surly bonds- Chicken in a basket! Don't look at me.

Haley: You win the award for worst mother ever!
Claire: I will be sure to thank you in my speech. Phil! The frying pan's on fire!
Phil: Son of Jor-EI! Everybody stay calm!

Phil: Sweet and sour chicken! Girls! Get back- Gotta fix that step. Girls!
Alex: Did he just yell? Drive!
Haley: I'm trying!
Phil: You girls get back here right now!
Alex: Pretend you don't hear him.
Phil: I know you can hear me!
Alex: Oh, my God! He's coming towards the car!
Haley: Oh, my God!
Phil: Stop this car!
Alex: We're sorry, Dad.
Haley: We couldn't hear you!
Phil: No more lies! You poked the bear, girls! You poked him!

Phil: [aside to camera] Sweet potato fries!

Phil: Raccoons!
Claire: Oh, for God's sake, Phil, just swear like an adult.
Phil: No! Part of me always knew this is how I was gonna go out.
Claire: In a wine fire surrounded by raccoons?

Phil: You ready to launch?
Frank: Let's do it.
Phil: Steady as she goes, and she's up! It's working! You did it! It's... Why is it still going?
Frank: How hard did you press start?
Phil: Well, that shouldn't matter!
Frank: Well, just press "end task."
Phil: Okay.
Frank: But only on the right side of the button.
Phil: Why wouldn't you tell me that first?! [car bounces off and flips over] Sweet maker!
Frank: Hmm. Everybody warned me this would happen.

Claire: Phil.
Phil: Trinidad and Tobago!
Claire: Why are you avoiding Frank?

Phil: Oh! Son of a Brisket! Why does that keep happening? Maybe I need a nail gun.
Luke: Okay, that's it! I'm out!
Phil: What do you mean, you're out? Where are you going?
Luke: Dad, no offense, but I've seen you with a glue gun. I think a nail is gonna be harder to get out of my hair.

Luke: My stomach hurts.
Claire: Luke, honey, I told you not to eat so fast. Just sit back, relax, you're gonna be fine.
Haley: Ew! A spider!
Phil: Haley!
Claire: Haley, honey, you're standing on the back of Daddy's seat belt.
Phil: Oh, soft cheeses, I can breathe again.