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‘A Stereotypical Day’ Quotes

Modern Family: A Stereotypical Day

802. A Stereotypical Day

Aired September 28, 2016

Jay worries about giving the African-American family across the street the wrong impression when he installs security cameras the same day they move in. Following his trip to Mexico, Manny has taken up the cause of communism to impress a girl. At the Pritchett house, Alex is home with a case of mono but her family members are all using her illness to their advantage. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron worry they've not set the best example of tolerance and understanding for Lily after they hear her insulting a new friend.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right. Listen, you guys need anything, let me know.
Shawn: You got it. I'm Shawn, by the way.
Jay: Jay Pritchett.
Gloria: Jay.
Jay: It's okay, Gloria. All handled. This is my wife, Gloria. This is Shawn - and I want to get this right, beautiful African name - Shawn M'badawe.
Shawn: I said, "By the way."
Jay: Ah.

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Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look, it was wrong of you to be mean to Tom, okay? Even though Daddy and I aren't always as open-minded as we should be, we- We want you to be better than us.
Lily: O-kay.
Cameron: No. Listen. We accept people for who they are. Daddy and I would accept you no matter what: boy, girl, gay, straight... Though, if you're a lesbian, please be the fun kind.

Quote from Haley

Haley: How do nerds even get mono? Did you all practice by kissing the same pillow?
Alex: Shouldn't you be at work by now?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I got fired. My plan was to hide it from my parents until I got a new job, but with smarty-pants Alex home, I had to be more careful, or she was going to figure it out. Her being super-sick is coming at a really bad time for me.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I live simply now, and it's good for me. Might it also help my chance of kissing her one day? Yes. And if that requires living in a world where the government chooses all our songs, so be it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Guess what. A black family's moving in right across the street the same day my security cameras are going up. Well, what am I supposed to do? I made the appointment weeks ago right after the break-in down the street. But they'll think I made the call the minute I saw them because I'm a racist old man.
Gloria: Why would the neighbors just assume that you're a racist?
Jay: Gloria, Gloria, Gloria. You'll never understand the stereotypes old white men face.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] Alex's laptop had every piece of homework she ever did in high school. It was the Holy Grail I think. Thanks to Alex's hard work, I don't know what that is and never will.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Let me ask you guys something. If, someday, Lily wanted to be Lou and had the whole chop-chop, bing-bang thing, how would you be with that?
Mitchell: We love Lily.
Jay: Lou.
Cameron: We love Lou. And there's nothing she could do-
Jay: He.
Cameron: He. There's nothing he could do that would change that.
Jay: So you wouldn't even need the minute that Tom's parents did?
Mitchell: Well, no, no. Maybe a minute. I mean, there'd- there'd be a lot of things that I'd be giving up that I've always imagined doing, like- like walking her down the aisle in her wedding dress.
Cameron: Or whispering in her husband's ear that he'll never replace me.
Jay: Well, that's interesting, because the minute it took me to accept the fact that my son was living a different kind of life than the one that I anticipated, Mitchell called me an old, straight, white bigot. And now you're just like me.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, she was protecting us. But you don't have to, sweetie, okay? Don't feel like you can't be honest with us just to protect our feelings.
Lily: Really?
Cameron: Really. Hey, you can tell us anything.
Lily: Okay. I hate the painting, too.
Cameron: [whimpers]
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was hard for us to hear, but in the spirit of tolerance, we accepted the fact that a 9-year-old might not want to fall asleep under the watchful eyes of her half-naked fathers.
Cameron: Call the Sistine Chapel. I guess art is out.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We just want to know why you called Tom a weirdo back at the house.
Lily: I don't know.
Mitchell: Okay, well, we don't make fun of people who are different, okay?
Cameron: You know how hard it was for Daddy and me? Growing up in Missouri, I was so mistreated that one of my best friends was an old scarecrow I found in the creek.
Mitchell: Some of your stories would be more impactful with fewer details.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look, I-I love those people, too, but you did just admit they can be a little close-minded down there.
Cameron: Well, they are a little bit set in their ways. It was actually illegal to run for mayor without a mustache until 1980.
Mitchell: See? It's-
Cameron: And then again from '82 to '85.

Quote from Luke

Claire: You got in late last night, huh?
Luke: Yeah. It was payday, and a game of craps broke out in the kitchen. See this watch? Enrique's grandfather's.
Claire: You're giving it back, and remember, the second that job interferes with your grades, you're done. Did you finish your history report?
Luke: Just got to dot the I's and cross the T's... [quietly] and put in all the other letters.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Did nobody notice I was gone for 18 hours? Why aren't you all making posters?
Haley: I figured you were in your office.
Claire: I went to bed really early last night, and when I woke up this morning, I thought you'd gone for a run.
Phil: Alex? I can't believe this!
Claire: Well, honey, the important thing is that you are okay. Now, I'm very sorry, but I've got to get to work. We are bidding a big job against my old nemesis, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
Phil: I'm back in there.

Quote from Jay

Joe: I want to live outside.
Gloria: No, Senor, we're not having that argument anymore.
Joe: Mowgli lives outside.
Jay: Is Mowgli that dirty kid at his preschool whose parents drive the car that runs on French fry oil?
Gloria: No. It's that dirty kid that runs around The Jungle Book. Jay, tell him he can't.
Jay: First time I saw Tarzan, I wanted to live outside. Dad said fine. I walked in the woods, met a hobo. Taught me how to open a can with a bird's beak.
Gloria: That story's not helping!

Quote from Manny

Joe: I'm doing it.
Gloria: No! Jay!
Manny: Of course not. Why learn self-reliance when the industrial machine depends on constant consumption? No eggs for me. I'll be having porridge.
Jay: Are you really still doing this?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Over the summer, I went to a wedding in Juarez and met Frida, this amazing girl who enlightened me to how Communism can rid the world of injustice.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm gonna take a coffee to the guy putting up the security cameras.
Manny: It's not coffee the laborers need, Jay. It's dignity. And I'm going to fight for that until my fingers are raw and my back is bent.
Jay: Six months ago, we took you to the dermatologist for taking too many bubble baths.

Quote from Mitchell

Tom: Goal!
Mitchell: Nice shot, Tom.
Tom: Do you want to play with us?
Mitchell: You know, I'm off contact sports right now. I twisted my ankle playing running charades, but you two should get ready for dance class.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, this bothers me. They're getting along great, and then one little spat, and her instinct is to go all baby bigot on him?
Mitchell: Well - and I say this with love - she did just get back from spending a full summer with your family in Missouri.
Cameron: Oh. So we're blaming my family, then?
Mitchell: I'm- I'm just saying maybe when she gets back from there, she needs to be reminded of our values. You know, un-hick her.
Cameron: Oh, the H-bomb! Possibly the most offensive slur ever thrown around in the South.
Mitchell: Well...

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Anyways, stop worrying about the remote control and worry about your own dog. She's peeing in the corner. Maybe if you ever leave her outside, she will guard us, and we wouldn't need cameras.
Jay: First of all, Stella's not peeing in the corner, because I housebroke her myself. Second of all, no dog of mine should ever have to work.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety... My imprisonment in the closet resulted in all the symptoms of PTSD. My insurance company helped me to find a therapy dog and agreed to cover everything, and then they found out I wasn't in the military.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Input! I know you can hear me because I can see your green light!
Jay: It's like one of those videos where the pit bull swims with the baby chick. You just know something bad's gonna happen.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where are your keys? I need the jumper cables.
Gloria: What happened?
Jay: I spent the last hour in my car, listening to the Commodores with my windows down, and the neighbors didn't even come outside.
Gloria: That must be your good friends the Harlem Globetrotters.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Gloria invited us to sit by the pool till we have to pick up Lily at hip-hop.
Jay: My Asian granddaughter takes a hip-hop class? Why are we not talking about this in the front yard?

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Was I the kind of person who would send her sick sister back to school just to keep her from figuring out I got fired? Did I use her laptop to get through community college?
[flashback:]
Haley: Let's get you back there. It's Friday night. Maybe there's a party you can listen to.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Excuse me.
Shawn: Hello.
Jay: I don't mean to bug you. You're just moving in. I'm right across the street. Listen.
Shawn: Let me stop you. You had the cameras scheduled, worried about how it would look, brought your black friend out, blasted Commodores. [laughs] It's not my first time moving into a white neighborhood. We're good.
Jay: Yeah?
Shawn: I did my residency in New Hampshire.

Quote from Haley

Haley: It's going to be so exciting to get back to all that science stuff again. You know, beakers, calculators, ray guns.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam?
Cameron: Oh, I just wanted to tell her how proud I was of how she handled herself today, but she's already asleep.
Mitchell: Well, you can tell her in the morning, okay?
Cameron: Oh, by the way, I found an article online about a family of Montenegrin art restorers-
Mitchell: Let it go, babe.


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