Previous Episode Next Episode 

55Quotes from ‘A Stereotypical Day’

Modern Family: A Stereotypical Day

802. A Stereotypical Day

Aired September 28, 2016

Jay worries about giving the African-American family across the street the wrong impression when he installs security cameras the same day they move in. Following his trip to Mexico, Manny has taken up the cause of communism to impress a girl. At the Pritchett house, Alex is home with a case of mono but her family members are all using her illness to their advantage. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron worry they've not set the best example of tolerance and understanding for Lily after they hear her insulting a new friend.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right. Listen, you guys need anything, let me know.
Shawn: You got it. I'm Shawn, by the way.
Jay: Jay Pritchett.
Gloria: Jay.
Jay: It's okay, Gloria. All handled. This is my wife, Gloria. This is Shawn - and I want to get this right, beautiful African name - Shawn M'badawe.
Shawn: I said, "By the way."
Jay: Ah.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look, it was wrong of you to be mean to Tom, okay? Even though Daddy and I aren't always as open-minded as we should be, we- We want you to be better than us.
Lily: O-kay.
Cameron: No. Listen. We accept people for who they are. Daddy and I would accept you no matter what: boy, girl, gay, straight... Though, if you're a lesbian, please be the fun kind.

Quote from Haley

Haley: How do nerds even get mono? Did you all practice by kissing the same pillow?
Alex: Shouldn't you be at work by now?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I got fired. My plan was to hide it from my parents until I got a new job, but with smarty-pants Alex home, I had to be more careful, or she was going to figure it out. Her being super-sick is coming at a really bad time for me.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I live simply now, and it's good for me. Might it also help my chance of kissing her one day? Yes. And if that requires living in a world where the government chooses all our songs, so be it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Guess what. A black family's moving in right across the street the same day my security cameras are going up. Well, what am I supposed to do? I made the appointment weeks ago right after the break-in down the street. But they'll think I made the call the minute I saw them because I'm a racist old man.
Gloria: Why would the neighbors just assume that you're a racist?
Jay: Gloria, Gloria, Gloria. You'll never understand the stereotypes old white men face.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] Alex's laptop had every piece of homework she ever did in high school. It was the Holy Grail I think. Thanks to Alex's hard work, I don't know what that is and never will.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Let me ask you guys something. If, someday, Lily wanted to be Lou and had the whole chop-chop, bing-bang thing, how would you be with that?
Mitchell: We love Lily.
Jay: Lou.
Cameron: We love Lou. And there's nothing she could do-
Jay: He.
Cameron: He. There's nothing he could do that would change that.
Jay: So you wouldn't even need the minute that Tom's parents did?
Mitchell: Well, no, no. Maybe a minute. I mean, there'd- there'd be a lot of things that I'd be giving up that I've always imagined doing, like- like walking her down the aisle in her wedding dress.
Cameron: Or whispering in her husband's ear that he'll never replace me.
Jay: Well, that's interesting, because the minute it took me to accept the fact that my son was living a different kind of life than the one that I anticipated, Mitchell called me an old, straight, white bigot. And now you're just like me.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, she was protecting us. But you don't have to, sweetie, okay? Don't feel like you can't be honest with us just to protect our feelings.
Lily: Really?
Cameron: Really. Hey, you can tell us anything.
Lily: Okay. I hate the painting, too.
Cameron: [whimpers]
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was hard for us to hear, but in the spirit of tolerance, we accepted the fact that a 9-year-old might not want to fall asleep under the watchful eyes of her half-naked fathers.
Cameron: Call the Sistine Chapel. I guess art is out.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We just want to know why you called Tom a weirdo back at the house.
Lily: I don't know.
Mitchell: Okay, well, we don't make fun of people who are different, okay?
Cameron: You know how hard it was for Daddy and me? Growing up in Missouri, I was so mistreated that one of my best friends was an old scarecrow I found in the creek.
Mitchell: Some of your stories would be more impactful with fewer details.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look, I-I love those people, too, but you did just admit they can be a little close-minded down there.
Cameron: Well, they are a little bit set in their ways. It was actually illegal to run for mayor without a mustache until 1980.
Mitchell: See? It's-
Cameron: And then again from '82 to '85.

Quote from Luke

Claire: You got in late last night, huh?
Luke: Yeah. It was payday, and a game of craps broke out in the kitchen. See this watch? Enrique's grandfather's.
Claire: You're giving it back, and remember, the second that job interferes with your grades, you're done. Did you finish your history report?
Luke: Just got to dot the I's and cross the T's... [quietly] and put in all the other letters.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Did nobody notice I was gone for 18 hours? Why aren't you all making posters?
Haley: I figured you were in your office.
Claire: I went to bed really early last night, and when I woke up this morning, I thought you'd gone for a run.
Phil: Alex? I can't believe this!
Claire: Well, honey, the important thing is that you are okay. Now, I'm very sorry, but I've got to get to work. We are bidding a big job against my old nemesis, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
Phil: I'm back in there.

Quote from Jay

Joe: I want to live outside.
Gloria: No, Senor, we're not having that argument anymore.
Joe: Mowgli lives outside.
Jay: Is Mowgli that dirty kid at his preschool whose parents drive the car that runs on French fry oil?
Gloria: No. It's that dirty kid that runs around The Jungle Book. Jay, tell him he can't.
Jay: First time I saw Tarzan, I wanted to live outside. Dad said fine. I walked in the woods, met a hobo. Taught me how to open a can with a bird's beak.
Gloria: That story's not helping!

Quote from Manny

Joe: I'm doing it.
Gloria: No! Jay!
Manny: Of course not. Why learn self-reliance when the industrial machine depends on constant consumption? No eggs for me. I'll be having porridge.
Jay: Are you really still doing this?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Over the summer, I went to a wedding in Juarez and met Frida, this amazing girl who enlightened me to how Communism can rid the world of injustice.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm gonna take a coffee to the guy putting up the security cameras.
Manny: It's not coffee the laborers need, Jay. It's dignity. And I'm going to fight for that until my fingers are raw and my back is bent.
Jay: Six months ago, we took you to the dermatologist for taking too many bubble baths.

Quote from Mitchell

Tom: Goal!
Mitchell: Nice shot, Tom.
Tom: Do you want to play with us?
Mitchell: You know, I'm off contact sports right now. I twisted my ankle playing running charades, but you two should get ready for dance class.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, this bothers me. They're getting along great, and then one little spat, and her instinct is to go all baby bigot on him?
Mitchell: Well - and I say this with love - she did just get back from spending a full summer with your family in Missouri.
Cameron: Oh. So we're blaming my family, then?
Mitchell: I'm- I'm just saying maybe when she gets back from there, she needs to be reminded of our values. You know, un-hick her.
Cameron: Oh, the H-bomb! Possibly the most offensive slur ever thrown around in the South.
Mitchell: Well...

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Anyways, stop worrying about the remote control and worry about your own dog. She's peeing in the corner. Maybe if you ever leave her outside, she will guard us, and we wouldn't need cameras.
Jay: First of all, Stella's not peeing in the corner, because I housebroke her myself. Second of all, no dog of mine should ever have to work.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety... My imprisonment in the closet resulted in all the symptoms of PTSD. My insurance company helped me to find a therapy dog and agreed to cover everything, and then they found out I wasn't in the military.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Input! I know you can hear me because I can see your green light!
Jay: It's like one of those videos where the pit bull swims with the baby chick. You just know something bad's gonna happen.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where are your keys? I need the jumper cables.
Gloria: What happened?
Jay: I spent the last hour in my car, listening to the Commodores with my windows down, and the neighbors didn't even come outside.
Gloria: That must be your good friends the Harlem Globetrotters.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Gloria invited us to sit by the pool till we have to pick up Lily at hip-hop.
Jay: My Asian granddaughter takes a hip-hop class? Why are we not talking about this in the front yard?

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Was I the kind of person who would send her sick sister back to school just to keep her from figuring out I got fired? Did I use her laptop to get through community college?
[flashback:]
Haley: Let's get you back there. It's Friday night. Maybe there's a party you can listen to.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Excuse me.
Shawn: Hello.
Jay: I don't mean to bug you. You're just moving in. I'm right across the street. Listen.
Shawn: Let me stop you. You had the cameras scheduled, worried about how it would look, brought your black friend out, blasted Commodores. [laughs] It's not my first time moving into a white neighborhood. We're good.
Jay: Yeah?
Shawn: I did my residency in New Hampshire.

Quote from Haley

Haley: It's going to be so exciting to get back to all that science stuff again. You know, beakers, calculators, ray guns.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam?
Cameron: Oh, I just wanted to tell her how proud I was of how she handled herself today, but she's already asleep.
Mitchell: Well, you can tell her in the morning, okay?
Cameron: Oh, by the way, I found an article online about a family of Montenegrin art restorers-
Mitchell: Let it go, babe.

Quote from Luke

Haley: [aside to camera] How did I spend my summer vacation? I got over my breakup with Andy.
Luke: I got a job at Grandpa's country club.
Alex: I got mono.
Haley: Too close!
Luke: Put your mask on!

Quote from Claire

Alex: No one misses two weeks at Caltech and catches up. What am I gonna do?
Claire: Well, honey, I think you need to focus on getting a little bit stronger, a little bit healthier and just a little farther.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [laying out tictacs] Monday lunch, Monday dinner. [voice breaking] Tuesday breakfast, Tuesday lunch.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Welcome home. Open house went great. Lots of interested buyers. Fun fact: Some stranger, probably a long time ago, wrote their last will and testament right here on your wall. [taking a jug] Trust me on this.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, why do you look so satisfied? Did you just listen to an NPR story that proved you right about something?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, no, but you know Tom, the friend that Lily's playing with?
Cameron: Well, I know of him. We haven't formally been introduced.
Mitchell: Well, it turns out that Tom used to identify as Tina.
Cameron: Oh, I wish you wouldn't have told me. You know how proud I am of my gender identificadar.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Well, Tom's been having some problems at school, and- and Lily has been really respectful of him.
Cameron: Oh, she is so sweet.
Mitchell: She really is. She gets all the credit on this one.
Cameron: Uh-huh.
Mitchell: This so doesn't matter.
Cameron: We raised her to have an open mind.
Mitchell: Totally. We deserve some kudos here, too.
Cameron: There's enough kudos for everyone.
Mitchell: You know, a kudo would be an excellent name for a parenting award.
Cameron: Oh, thank you, Gwyneth. Lily, if you're still watching, go to bed.

Quote from Claire

Margaret: I just had some messages. Luke's guidance counselor - Luke fell asleep in class again. Haley's car payment is late. And the credit-card company. Phil made a large purchase on a Tibetan website called CopingCandles.com.
Claire: Tell the creative team to get their giggles out. I'll be ready for them in 10.

Quote from Claire

[aside to camera:]
Claire: But when you've been the bummer all day at work, you don't love having to be the bummer at home, too.
[flashback:]
Claire: [on the phone] Hi, honey. Is your brother around? I need to yell at him.
Alex: Of course he's around. Why would he leave me in peace to do some work at the kitchen table when he could just barge in and- Luke! Game down! This is your senior year, also known as your last year to not suck.
Phil: Honey.
Alex: Dad, you hit "place order" once, and then you wait for the confirmation.
Phil: I'm sorry.
Alex: Don't be sorry! Be smart!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: That angry screeching was the sweet sound of my new home bummer.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [on the phone] I'm just so tired and in pain and irritable. It just makes me so mad at everyone. Sorry for yelling, Mom. Why were you calling again?
Claire: I forgot. [chuckles]
Alex: Damn it, Mom! Write it down next time!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Input. Input!
Jay: Please don't throw the remote again.
Gloria: Oh, I was just, like, trying to get signal. Don't blame me about breaking the other ones. One got stepped on, and the other one fell down the garbage disposal.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, it's such a nice day. Let's go outside.
Miles: Isn't your backyard nicer?
Jay: Nah. It's all pool and chairs. So, how you been, buddy?
Miles: I want to tell you everything is okay so you won't worry, but things have been real bad.
Jay: You know what might help? You pop that hat off, you get a little sun on your face.
Miles: Ooh! The sun is rough on my eyes. I cry almost every day. Pretty much, the only time I'm happy is when I clean my gun.
Jay: Yeah, life, huh? Here, give me a hug.

Quote from Jay

Miles: Why do you need them to know you have a black friend?
Jay: I'm putting security cameras in the same day they move in.
Miles: I'm mad about that, but it feels good to be held.
Jay: Come here. Come here.

Quote from Manny

Cameron: We brought cupcakes. Manny, cupcake?
Manny: Oh, I see. Fill my mouth with bourgie opiates so I can't speak for the people?
Cameron: That was a lot.
Gloria: He's trying to get a Communist girl to kiss him.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: We have our own kid problems. I mean, we had an incident this afternoon during Lily's playdate with Tom, who used to identify as Tina.
Cameron: I don't totally get the hand thing, but I like it.
Mitchell: They had a fight, and Lily said the worst possible thing. I mean, that poor boy's been through enough.
Gloria: Oh, I am sure that the parents have gone through a lot, too.
Cameron: Sure. You just don't get comfortable with something like that overnight.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Oh, my God, Mitchell. Are we where Lily gets it? Are we not as open-minded as we think?
Mitchell: But that's our thing. Lording our tolerance over others.
Jay: I guess what this proves is, there's a little bit of prejudice in everyone. You, me, the neighbor across the street judging me for my cameras. I'm gonna do what I should have done at the beginning, talk to them.
Gloria: That's not a good idea.
Jay: Watch me!

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Joe, you're not going to live outside!
Joe: [suitcase thumping] Fine!

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] Alex is never away from her laptop, so I had to steal assignments one at a time. I'm not proud of stealing, but I'm not unproud of how I'm stealing.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, but now that you're awake, what happened in here, huh?
Alex: I'll tell you what happened here. The same thing that's been happening all damn day! Me dealing with animals who don't care that we are air-conditioning the outside and insist on rotting their brains by watching vapid housewives spit wine on each other. And you. Can't even be bothered to use a plate!
Claire: Oh, she's a bummer, huh? [laughter]
Alex: Something funny?
Claire: No.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I didn't yell at Tom because he used to be Tina.
Mitchell: What?
Lily: I yelled at him 'cause he made fun of-
Cameron: Made fun of what? [Lily points to the mural on her bedroom wall] What's- What's to make fun of?
Mitchell: Oh, thank God.
Lily: He called you guys weirdos for putting that painting up, so I called him a weirdo.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Well, honey, why didn't you tell us?
Lily: 'Cause I didn't want your feelings to get hurt.
Mitchell: Get hurt? How?
Cameron: Because that rube Tom knows nothing about art?

Quote from Haley

Haley: What about all the science stuff? All the fun. You know, snapping each other in the butts with your goggle straps.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Wait a second. I thought I already packed my laptop. Why is it on the hallway table?
Luke: Uh, why is anything anywhere? Why aren't our feet at the end of our arms?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Who opened my 12th-grade Grapes of Wrath essay?
Luke: Uh...
Alex: Oh, my God. You just want me to stay here so you can steal all of my old homework.
Claire: Wow. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about this lapse in judgment.
Luke: Hey, it's better than what Mom's doing. She's just using you to yell at us.
Claire: I would nip that back talk in the bud.
Alex: I can't believe it. He's right!
Phil: Honey, you're getting upset again. Come on. Let's go get a treat.
Alex: Stop with the petting and- and the walks. You're using me as a therapy dog.
Phil: That's ridiculi- Am I? Well what about what Luke's doing?
Alex: We just dealt with him. And, Haley you are the only one who really cares about me. That's it! I'm going back to school.

Quote from Phil

Haley: I will drive you, sweetie.
Phil: Alex, no. Stop! Stay! How do you ask a human not to go, again?

Quote from Alex

Haley: Breaks my heart. I should quit my job and nurse her back to health.
Alex: You got fired, didn't you?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Alex had to take the semester off. was disappointed 'cause she was disappointed, but I was also kind of happy to have her home a little longer.
Alex: Aww.
Claire: Mask!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, what are you doing? Come to bed.
Jay: I've got these new state-of-the-art cameras. I thought I'd review the day, see how many times our neighbor glared at us.
Gloria: Wait a second. Is that Manny licking cupcake wrappers from the trash?
Jay: I knew he'd fold. Ah, the vigor. It's almost pornographic.
Gloria: Are these cameras everywhere?
Jay: Yeah. That's the garbage area. Then we got the backyard, front door. Go inside. Wait. That's Joe peeing in the corner, not Stella.
Gloria: That's it. He lives outside now. Come. We'll watch him from the cameras.
Jay: Hold on. You have a problem. I'm gonna get you one of those rubber remotes they put in nursery schools and insane asylums.
Gloria: Thank you.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Hey, Lily. Can you hang back a second?
Lily: I shouldn't. Linda says being late is wiggity-wack.


 Episode 801 Episode 803