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48Quotes from ‘Kiss and Tell’

Modern Family: Kiss and Tell

1002. Kiss and Tell

Aired October 3, 2018

When Haley turns to Mitchell and Cameron for advice on whether she needs to tell Arvin that she kissed Dylan, she sets off an argument in their marriage and makes Claire wonder why her daughter won't turn to her for help. Phil decides to turn the tables on Jay and his constant stream of put downs by "Mean Girls"-ing him. Meanwhile, Gloria starts to suspect Manny's Canadian girlfriend isn't real.

Quote from Phil

Jay: How about a Mint "Jay-lep"?
Phil: I'll pass, seeing as I'm not a hundred-year-old Southern lady.
Jay: [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I finally saw the movie "Mean Girls." I know. I'm a middle-aged man. How'd I wait so long? The point is, I realized I have a mean girl in my life... Jay. Like last week at this wedding, I'm rocking my moonwalk, and Jay yells, "Hey, look, it's Michael Jerkson." Enough's enough. How do you get a mean girl to stop being a mean girl? Be mean girlier.

Quote from Haley

Claire: So, I got Dad and Gloria's anniversary present. You guys both owe me bucks.
Cameron: Wait. It's their anniversary? I-I thought it was Gloria's birthday.
Haley: Oh, it can't be Gloria's birthday. She gets mad even if you mention it. I once asked when it was, and she left a dismembered Bratz doll in my purse.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] It was working, but it was killing me. I've actually had dreams where the only thing happening was me sitting with Jay while he, you know, tousles my hair, calling me "Sport."

Quote from Jay

Jay: And why is your father mad at me? Did I do something?
Alex: Probably. Isn't that your relationship? He's always desperate for your approval and you shoot him down?
Jay: It's supposed to be, but all of a sudden, he's, like... all cold. Wouldn't let me sit with him.
Alex: Ugh, so high school. Dad and I watched "Mean Girls" the other night, and I chewed off a piece of my hair reliving how awful it was. Wait. In the movie, the heroine takes down the head mean girl by being mean to her. Maybe that's what Dad is doing to you?
Jay: Son of a bitch.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Phil thinks he can "Mean Girls" me? How lame is that? Let me tell you something... I might be a pretty face, but I fight to win. Just like "Legally Blonde"!

Quote from Haley

Claire: You know, if something was on your mind, I'm an excellent person to confide in. No judgment. God knows I've done some stuff I'm not proud of.
Haley: [laughs] Like what?
Claire: J-Just like... shoplifting.
Haley: Wow. Really?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Haley: I mean, no judgment here... I do it, too.
Claire: [chuckles] What? You do?
Haley: Yeah, but I'm very ethical about it. I only take things from companies that use child labor. That is how my generation is saving the world.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: The point is I need to know details. I need to know what happened and with whom. Was it a peck? Was it with Pepper? Was he drunk? Did you get a peck from a pickled Pepper?
Mitchell: How long have you been sitting on that?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, God, it's Arvin calling. Quick, a show of hands, who thinks I have to tell him? One, two, three, four. Four out of nine? A frickin' tie?!

Quote from Phil

Luke: Hey, Dad? What are you doing?
[Phil claps the barbecue tongs together]
Jay: He wouldn't.
Gloria: [gasps]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I realized he was "Mean Girls-ing" me back with a weird nod to "Legally Blonde," which I'll bet he thinks I didn't notice. I had to change tactics. I had to stop acting like a mean girl and do the last thing Jay would ever expect me to do... act like a man.

Quote from Cameron

Haley: Okay, so just between us, you know I'm with Arvin and he's working in Switzerland. Well, I did something bad. I kissed Dylan.
Cameron: [gasps]
Mitchell: Whoa! Whoa, Dylan's still around? I-I thought he joined a cult or something.
Cameron: I heard he ate Mentos and a Coke and exploded.

Quote from Jay

Jay: There they are! My adult children still sponging off me after nearly five decades.
Claire: Love it.
Jay: Sorry, thought I'd bend that into a joke, but it stayed real.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: Quick, before she comes back, I need some relationship advice, and this is kind of in a gray area ethically.
Mitchell: Oh, and it's okay to ask us because, as gays, we wouldn't dare judge anyone while living such a deviant lifestyle?
Cameron: Even the most beautiful version of our love is a mortal stain compared to the worst thing you could do?
Haley: Maybe I should talk to somebody else.
Mitchell: No, tell us!
Cameron: No! Spill, girl, spill!

Quote from Phil

Jay: No, no, no, no, you're gonna love it. Mint Jay-leps are all the rage.
Phil: Oh, you keep saying "Jay-leps."
Jay: Yeah, well I made juleps, and... and... and my name's Jay, so I call them "Jay-leps."
Phil: No, I get it. [walks off]
Jay: It's just a fun thing.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Come on. Look at him. He's as straight as the swim from Cartagena to Houston.
Manny: [to Luke and Alex] The trip was amazing, and I did the cheekiest thing. I saw "Oklahoma!" in Oklahoma, "Chicago" in Chicago, and then, I got in a little trouble in River City. [laughs]
Cameron: Okay, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard, and I shampooed dogs in West Hollywood.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: There you are. We haven't had a chance to talk about anything since you got back. So, tell me about this new Canadian girlfriend.
Manny: Well, she's brilliant, but humble, beautiful, but accessible, one of the funniest people I've ever met, but, also, deeply serious.
Gloria: Ah, such lovely, general terms. She sounds a little bit too good to be true. What is her name?
Manny: It's Sherry Shaker.
Gloria: Sherry Shaker? Those are the two things that are in front of you at this bar.
Manny: Huh. Delightful!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [laughs]
Jay: What are you guys laughing at?
Phil: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.
Jay: You said something funny, didn't you? The guy's a joke machine! [tries to sit down]
Phil: Oh, someone's sitting there.
Jay: Who?
Phil: Someone who doesn't ask a million questions.
Alex: Grandpa, you can sit with us.
Jay: Great.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Congrats, honey. Always proud to celebrate one of your awards.
Alex: I didn't win an award.
Jay: Well, then, what are we all doing here? I'm a busy man!
Lily: Don't you just golf now?
Jay: I work when it's raining. Why am I defending myself to you?

Quote from Haley

Claire: Haley, I did not raise you to steal.
Haley: You just said you do it, too!
Claire: I made that up so you would tell me what's going on in your life!
Haley: Why would I? Stuff a couple Pakistani lipsticks in my purse, and you freak out at me!

Quote from Jay

Phil: Well, well, well, if it isn't John, Paul, and George. Anyone need a Ringo?
Jay: Actually, we can get by without a little help from you, friend.
Phil: Well, pool's so over, anyways. Maybe, uh, the guys want to hit the H2O, rock some Marco Polo.
Jay: Good for you not letting that chest get in the way of having fun. Most guys wouldn't go shirtless until they got a little muscle.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, I know emotional slights usually roll off me like water off a mule's back...
Mitchell: Isn't it "duck"?
Cameron: Uh, a lot of animals bead, Mitchell.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Mitch and Cam, I just want you to know that I support your lifestyle, and I find it very charming when your people act very emotional and inappropriate in public.

Quote from Haley

Alex: What are you doing? You are dating a world-renowned scientist. I mean, isn't Dylan still married and still an idiot?
Haley: Hey, he is not still married.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Honey, she's dating Arvin. We love Arvin now.
Gloria: And wouldn't it be wonderful if someone called Dylan loved someone called Arvin? No one in this room would have a problem with it.
Luke: Am I wrong, or is your mom trying to get Alex to come out of the closet?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ah, so happy that you came out.
Manny: What's going on with you? Where did you get that raft?
Gloria: It was in a gift bag from a very moving Pride benefit that I went to with Mitch and Cam.
Manny: If you want to know if I'm gay, just ask me.
Gloria: No, I don't want to be pushy. [blowing]
Manny: I like women, Mom! Why on Earth would you think I'm gay?
Jay: In fairness, you do check a lot of the boxes.
Gloria: I only thought it because Jay said that the Canadian girlfriends are fake and that Mitch and Cam had them.
Manny: You think my girlfriend is fake?
Gloria: Well, you didn't have any pictures, and at the bar, you said that her name was something like Olive Cocktail-napkin.
Manny: It's Sherry Shaker!

Quote from Manny

Gloria: I am sorry, but when I asked you if you were hiding something from me, you got all defensive, and you boob-shamed me.
Manny: Because something did happen. Sherry and I, we joined our... We crossed that beauteous threshold into the physical expression of love.
Jay: Have you ever heard a straight guy describe sex that way?
Luke: That's what he meant?
Gloria: Why does that feel worse to me?

Quote from Phil

Jay: What the hell are you doing?!
Phil: Oh, yeah, well, everybody's hungry, and the prevailing opinion is that I'm a better griller than you.
Gloria: [gasps] No.
Jay: Wow. You must think you're pretty tough.
Phil: Not as tough as your meat.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: [opening door] Haley. I had a feeling it was gonna be you.
Haley: You buzzed me in the gate.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Listen, I need you to know that that kiss never should have happened. Arvin and I are together, and you and I are friends, and that's all we're ever going to be.
Dylan: No, thank you.
Haley: "No, thank you"? I didn't ask you a question.
Dylan: Well, let me ask you one. It's been 10 years, and I can't move on from you.
Haley: Also not a question.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Remember the day we met? I was walking through the halls, and I saw the most beautiful girl, and I was like, "Whoa! Who is that?" And you were like, "That's Rebecca Salkin." And then I turned and saw you for the first time, and I was done with Rebecca Salkin.
Haley: Yeah, you were wearing that cool, beat-up Army jacket, and I was completely jealous of your eyelashes.
Dylan: Haley, I fell in love with you that day, and I've never stopped. I'm gonna keep making myself better until I deserve you.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right! It's come to my attention through a series of assumptions, old e-mails and lazy sheep-like thinking that we may have gathered for no reason!
Manny: So it's not my welcome home party?
Gloria: Of course it...
Jay: No! Your mother thought Alex won an award she didn't and the dry spell continues.
Alex: [chuckles] Please, the last thing I'm having is a dry... spell...
Jay: People, listen up! There are too many actual reasons for us to see each other. We cannot afford to hang out by mistake! I love you all, now go home.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Pool's cool, snacks in the kitchen, I've had some rosé, so fun Mitchell is in the house.
Claire: Showing quite a bit of leg. This is very...
Mitchell: World-cuppy?

Quote from Luke

Jay: Hi, kids!
Luke: Hey, Grandpa.
Jay: Hey, Phil.
Phil: Hm.
Jay: What's up his can?
Luke: I don't know. Not easy being a white man these days. You feel me.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: She was just asking for some advice.
Claire: Why wouldn't she come to me? I thought we were finally becoming friends.
Cameron: Well, you know, think about it, Claire. All the secrets that you kept from your mom.
Claire: Yeah, but my mom was an uptight, crazy person. [scoffs]
Mitchell: Let's just slowly back away as that settles in.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, buddy! Ready for the best thing to happen to your mouth since... I'm gonna bail on that. I took off without a place to land.

Quote from Manny

Mitchell: Manny! How was the road trip?
Manny: Uh, what can I say? Six weeks, states, a lot of fake scrotums on the back of pickup trucks.
Gloria: And he met a very nice girlfriend, and he's in love.
Cameron: Ohh!
Mitchell: Let's see a pic.
Manny: Wish I could. I-I went old-school and used a film camera, and the one roll I took of her fell into the Grand Canyon.
Jay: You don't have a single photo of her?
Manny: Uh, well, just this blurry one on my phone.
Mitchell: Oh, let's see. Look at her.
Manny: Yeah, you can't really make her out, but it captures her wild spirit.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Is it me, or is Manny dating Bigfoot?
Mitchell: [laughs] Yeah.
Jay: Let me tell you the difference between Manny's girlfriend and Bigfoot. Bigfoot could be real.
Gloria: She's not a fake girlfriend.
Jay: You want to hear the kicker? She's from Canada.
Mitchell: Oh, no.
Cameron: Oh, yikes.
Gloria: Oh, stop it!
Jay: Back me up, boys.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You know what, Gloria? Canada is good for a lot of things, but their number-one export is fake girlfriends.
Mitchell: Yeah, it's kind of a thing. Uh, before Cam and I came out, we each had Canadian girlfriends.
Gloria: So, what are you saying now? That Manny's gay?
Mitchell: We weren't, but he does check a few of the boxes.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: He's had so many girlfriends. The last one was a woman in her 20s.
Cameron: Yeah, but didn't you say he was so sweet when she stayed over he offered to sleep on the couch?
Gloria: So what? My first boyfriend at his age, he wasn't ready to sleep with me.
Mitchell: Mm-hmm, and what does he do now?
Gloria: He runs a very nice bed and breakfast.
Mitchell: With...?
Cameron: With...?
Gloria: His good friend Steven! Shut up!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, I'm gonna tell you everything 'cause it is so much tamer than what's in your head.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: Six weeks into our relationship, before we decided we were exclusive, I kissed someone in a bar. See, it's not a big deal.
Cameron: Okay, yes, it is a big deal, which is why I rejected a very similar advance at the same time from a celebrity, but I'm not gonna tell you who that is, because I don't want you to feel insecure.
Mitchell: Cam, we both know you're seconds away from telling me...
Cameron: It was Isaac Mizrahi! Yeah, that's right. Cindy Crawford's friend!

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, is there anything that you need to tell me? Maybe some kind of... sexual thing?
Manny: Um... I really don't want to talk about this.
Gloria: Okay, papi, but you know I love you and that you can be honest with me about anything, right?
Manny: In that case... [pointing to Gloria's cleavage] This is a lot. I'm pretty desensitized to it, but I saw Luke walk into a wall.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Who's ready to hit the pool? Marco!
Jay: Solo!

Quote from Haley

Phil: I'm sorry, but kissing someone outside of a relationship is a big deal and you should fess up right away.
Haley: You told them?!
Claire: Yes! Yes, they told us everything, and I can't believe you did that!
Haley: Well, I'm sorry, but Dylan was a huge part of my life...
Claire: You kissed Dylan?! That's your secret?
Haley: [gasps] You tricked me!

Quote from Haley

Haley: [on video chat] Uh, listen, um, we have to talk. I love you, and this is really hard for me to say, but, I, um... I did something stupid. I kissed my ex-boyfriend. It meant nothing, I swear, and I'm hoping you'll forgive me, and we can forget this ever happened.
Arvin: Sorry, love, you froze up. I-I-I missed the... the whole thing.
Haley: Oh, that sucks. Um... This is really hard for me, but I did something stupid. I kissed my ex-boyfriend. It meant nothing, and I...
Arvin: Sorry, froze up again in the funniest position. You look like you'd smelled something dreadful. Have another go.
Haley: Okay. I messed up, and I kiss...
Arvin: Wait! Okay, go.
Haley: I kissed my ex-boyfriend! Damn it, stop freezing!
Arvin: Not frozen. Shocked. Very hurt, actually.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, come here, honey. I'm... I'm so sorry, and I know why you didn't come to me. I haven't always been Dylan's biggest fan.
Haley: You pushed him into a beehive.
Claire: You know, to be fair, I pushed him off of you, and he fell into the beehive, but, regardless, I want to be supportive. No judgment. I promise. I promise.

Quote from Alex

Luke: Hey, Alex. You're the last virgin.
Alex: [chuckles] Please, I'm dating a fireman. I'm having hotter sex than... [sees Phil, backs away]

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Dad, we love you, but you don't know what medium-rare is.
Mitchell: I've... I've given you a meat thermometer for three Father's Days in a row. For the love of God, just use one!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Fine. See if I care. But I don't know what you have against me today. Kicking a man off his own grill, making fun of my Mint Jay-leps.
Gloria: You made fun of his Mint Jay-leps? He did them for you.
Phil: What?
Jay: I don't know what she's talking about.
Gloria: The minute Jay created the Jay-leps, all he could keep saying was, "Phil's gonna get such a kick out of this."
Jay: But he didn't! He said it was dumb! He said it was an old lady's drink!
Phil: Since when do you care what I think?
Gloria: Always! He thinks that you're the life of the party. He wants to be more like you.
Jay: All I've said is that sometimes I envy people who don't mind being an ass because they're having fun, and I guess... you're one of those people.

Quote from Jay

Phil: I loved those Mint Jay-leps.
Jay: You did?
Phil: Yeah.
Jay: Did you hear that, Gloria? He did.
Phil: I only trashed them because of what you called me when I was dancing at the wedding.
Jay: What? Flail Dunphy? Shrill Dummy? When you dropped your drink, Spill Bumbly?
Phil: Michael Jerkson.
Jay: [chuckling] Oh, yeah. I forgot about that one.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Why is it so hard to be honest in relationships? We play games. We keep secrets. When all we want to do is connect. I guess we have to start with being honest with ourselves. And if I'm being honest, I love two people. [chuckles] Damn it!


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