Jay: How about a Mint "Jay-lep"?
Phil: I'll pass, seeing as I'm not a hundred-year-old Southern lady.
Jay: [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I finally saw the movie "Mean Girls." I know. I'm a middle-aged man. How'd I wait so long? The point is, I realized I have a mean girl in my life... Jay. Like last week at this wedding, I'm rocking my moonwalk, and Jay yells, "Hey, look, it's Michael Jerkson." Enough's enough. How do you get a mean girl to stop being a mean girl? Be mean girlier.

Phil: [aside to camera] It was working, but it was killing me. I've actually had dreams where the only thing happening was me sitting with Jay while he, you know, tousles my hair, calling me "Sport."

Jay: And why is your father mad at me? Did I do something?
Alex: Probably. Isn't that your relationship? He's always desperate for your approval and you shoot him down?
Jay: It's supposed to be, but all of a sudden, he's, like... all cold. Wouldn't let me sit with him.
Alex: Ugh, so high school. Dad and I watched "Mean Girls" the other night, and I chewed off a piece of my hair reliving how awful it was. Wait. In the movie, the heroine takes down the head mean girl by being mean to her. Maybe that's what Dad is doing to you?
Jay: Son of a bitch.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Phil thinks he can "Mean Girls" me? How lame is that? Let me tell you something... I might be a pretty face, but I fight to win. Just like "Legally Blonde"!

Claire: You know, if something was on your mind, I'm an excellent person to confide in. No judgment. God knows I've done some stuff I'm not proud of.
Haley: [laughs] Like what?
Claire: J-Just like... shoplifting.
Haley: Wow. Really?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Haley: I mean, no judgment here... I do it, too.
Claire: [chuckles] What? You do?
Haley: Yeah, but I'm very ethical about it. I only take things from companies that use child labor. That is how my generation is saving the world.

Cameron: The point is I need to know details. I need to know what happened and with whom. Was it a peck? Was it with Pepper? Was he drunk? Did you get a peck from a pickled Pepper?
Mitchell: How long have you been sitting on that?

Haley: Oh, God, it's Arvin calling. Quick, a show of hands, who thinks I have to tell him? One, two, three, four. Four out of nine? A frickin' tie?!

Luke: Hey, Dad? What are you doing?
[Phil claps the barbecue tongs together]
Jay: He wouldn't.
Gloria: [gasps]
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I realized he was "Mean Girls-ing" me back with a weird nod to "Legally Blonde," which I'll bet he thinks I didn't notice. I had to change tactics. I had to stop acting like a mean girl and do the last thing Jay would ever expect me to do... act like a man.

Dylan: Remember the day we met? I was walking through the halls, and I saw the most beautiful girl, and I was like, "Whoa! Who is that?" And you were like, "That's Rebecca Salkin." And then I turned and saw you for the first time, and I was done with Rebecca Salkin.
Haley: Yeah, you were wearing that cool, beat-up Army jacket, and I was completely jealous of your eyelashes.
Dylan: Haley, I fell in love with you that day, and I've never stopped. I'm gonna keep making myself better until I deserve you.

Haley: Okay, so just between us, you know I'm with Arvin and he's working in Switzerland. Well, I did something bad. I kissed Dylan.
Cameron: [gasps]
Mitchell: Whoa! Whoa, Dylan's still around? I-I thought he joined a cult or something.
Cameron: I heard he ate Mentos and a Coke and exploded.

Claire: So, I got Dad and Gloria's anniversary present. You guys both owe me bucks.
Cameron: Wait. It's their anniversary? I-I thought it was Gloria's birthday.
Haley: Oh, it can't be Gloria's birthday. She gets mad even if you mention it. I once asked when it was, and she left a dismembered Bratz doll in my purse.