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‘My Funky Valentine’ Quotes

Modern Family: My Funky Valentine

115. My Funky Valentine

Aired February 10, 2010

Claire and Phil try role playing on Valentine's Day, while Jay takes Gloria to see a comedian. Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitchell play cupid for Manny.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria and I are from different generations. And I won't lie- It isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria: No I didn't.
Jay: It was a joke.
Gloria: I don't get it.
Jay: Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

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Quote from Dylan

Claire: Hi, Dylan.
Dylan: Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs. Dunphy. [hands Claire a rose]
Claire: Oh. Dylan, thank you. That is so sweet.
Dylan: You know, all women should look as tasty as you when they're old.
Claire: Huh. Conflicted.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Don't tell me you're finally taking me salsa dancing! ... And who's David Brenner?
Jay: Only a Vegas legend.
Gloria: Is he a magician? 'Cause I love magicians.
Jay: He's a comedian.
Gloria: A comedian? It's Valentine's Day. I thought we were going salsa dancing, not to watch a comedian.
Jay: You're gonna love him. Trust me. The guy's hilarious.
Gloria: Okay, tell me one of his jokes.
Jay: He doesn't do jokes.
Gloria: Does he have a mallet?
Jay: No.
Gloria: So then how does he get hit in the head?
Jay: He doesn't get hit in the head. He- He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way. Come on. He's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
Gloria: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Well, we just thought it would be a nice surprise.
Mitchell: Well, it's hardly a surprise. I mean, you dress her up for every holiday. I was giving her a bath last night, and I still saw traces of Martin Luther King behind her ear.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Did he trump me? D-Money. You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have hand-picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fratelli's, a family-style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row. Yeah, he got me. He got me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, what do you think?
Claire: I think you're not getting any sleep tonight, so you might want to take a nap at work today.
Phil: I always do.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Role-play? I'm in.
Claire: I'll set up sleepovers for the kids.
Phil: And I'll swing by after work to pick you up.
Claire: No, no. Why don't you meet me in the hotel bar and see if you can pick me up there.
Phil: Careful, lady. You're gonna wake up a sexy sleeping giant. [English accent] Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby, an English gentleman in town for a polo match.
Claire: Phil-
Phil: Or [Chinese accent] Honorable businessman from Hong Kong.
Claire: Kinda wrecking it.
Phil: [German accent] It's not a big deal, Claire. I just train tigers for a living.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Are these rose petals?
Cameron: Yes, to commemorate our love.
Mitchell: I had to settle.
Cameron: Well, your mom might think so, but a lot of people think I'm a catch.
Mitchell: No. The case. I- I was this close to nailing it, and then my client gets scared and settles.
Cameron: I'm sorry. Maybe you'd like a chocolate. Notice that I have not eaten any of the chocolates.
Mitchell: There were two levels. You know it and I know it.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: This is so frustrating. I had one of the greatest closing arguments of all time- all about the big government rolling over the little guy, and I even had this great moment at the end where I would point to the state seal and I'd say, "Shame!"
Cameron: Oh, that's what you were doing in the shower. I was a little worried.

Quote from Manny

Cameron: Bad Valentine's Day?
Manny: I went for the gold- Fiona Gunderson. I poured my heart and soul into a poem, left it on her desk. I even burned the edges to make it look fancy.
Cameron: And she didn't like it?
Manny: Oh, she loved it. But this kid Durkas told her he wrote it.
Mitchell: Well, Manny, why-why didn't you just tell her the truth?
Manny: She was already gone. And she's on a date with him at my favorite restaurant, Great Shakes.
Cameron: How do you know all this?
Manny: I invited her in the poem. Right after the line of, "My love is deeper than the Great Lakes."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, well, this is unacceptable.
Mitchell: Oh, boy. Here we go.
Cameron: No, it's not that big of a deal. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna shoot over to Great Shakes, get a table. Manny can reclaim the love of his life. You and I can get a couple Mudslides.
Manny: I don't know. Durkas is gonna be there. I've seen the kid do a pull-up.
Cameron: Hey, Manny, it's Valentine's Day. It's not the day you run away from love. It's the day you track it down, tie it up and take it home. Now, if we can pull this off, you and your little lady friend will be belly up to a ice cream counter having a milk shake with two straws. What do you say?
Manny: I like it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Claire: Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, you in town for a convention, or do you just forget your name a lot?
Phil: Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers. [takes out cigarette]
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.
Phil: It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: So, what's your story? Miss America Pageant in town?
Claire: You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.
Phil: I'm pretty smooth all over. [lights up]
Waitress: Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Phil: Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smoker.
Claire: You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know anything about tying knots?
Phil: I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.
Claire: Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife.
Phil: Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Claire: Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because she's always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh, no. She can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Claire: Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.
Phil: I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Claire: Yeah. So if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because I respect her too much to do to her what I'm going to do to you?
Claire: Oh, jackpot. I'll be right back, Clive.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Do you have eyes on her? Is she here?
Manny: Two o'clock- blonde at the back table.
Cameron: Yep. I have a visual.
Mitchell: Let's not talk like that anymore.

Quote from Cameron

Ted Durkas: [answering phone] Hello?
Cameron: [Southern accent] Uh, yes. Hello. Mr. Durkas?
Ted Durkas: Yeah.
Cameron: This is Don Jolly with the Great Shakes corporate office, and I have good news for you. You have been selected to take part in a random survey that you could win cash and prizes. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?
Ted Durkas: Yeah, sure.
Cameron: Okay, just a few simple questions for you. Would you please rank your favorite ice creams at Great Shakes from least favorite to favorite?
Ted Durkas: I don't know 'em by heart.
Cameron: There should be a menu right there to your right. To your right. Mm-hmm. There you go.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Sir, you have no right to claim ownership of another person's work.
Ted Durkas: Who are you?
Mitchell: I'm a lawyer.
Ted Durkas: You have a lawyer?
Mitchell: It is one thing to lie, but then to bully this young man- it's unforgivable. And this is what's wrong with the world today. The big guy thinks that he can roll right over the little guy until the little guy says, "Enough." And that's what this little guy's doing- right here, right now.
Manny: Can we stop calling me "little guy"? I'm in the 40th percentile.
Mitchell: Shh. I got this. Ted Durkas clearly did not write that poem. I know it. He knows it. Deep down in your heart, Fiona- [exhales] You know it too. ... Shame!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: It's okay. I got this. Okay. Claire, follow my lead, okay? Okay.
Claire: Wow. Okay. Thank you.
Gloria: It has happened to me before.
Phil: That was impressive.
Jay: Take it down a notch, Clive.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [answering phone] Hey, honey.
Phil: Hey, I just wanted to tell you how great you were last night.
Claire: Uh, Phil-
Phil: Sorry I got the, uh- the oil everywhere, but, hey-
Claire: Uh, sweetie-
Phil: They're not our sheets, right?
Claire: Honey- Honey, remember when the salesman told us that the Sienna was built with the whole family in mind?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Well, the whole family just heard that. Uh- Uh- Guess-
Phil: I guess the Bluetooth works.
Claire: Mmm.
Luke: Why did you have oil?
Phil: Because, buddy, we were making French fries.
Alex: In your room?
Claire: Why don't you guys just pop in a DVD?


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