Phil: [aside to camera] As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough, now that we were hosting Christmas, I had to get a new tree and gifts into the house before Claire got home. Fortunately, I had a copy of her gift list. It was eerie how many of these events were lining up with the plot of my children's book in progress, "The Realtor Who Saved Christmas."

Manny: Hey, wait, wait a second. Wait a second. This is your medication? "Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease?"
Jay: I suffer from dry elbow.
Manny: That's what I risked my life for?
Jay: Supple elbows are heavily featured in every good power pose. That's how I got the cover to Closet World. I literally elbowed my way to the top.

Lily: Can we go look at phones after this?
Cameron: No, Lily, you are not getting a cell phone for Christmas. They're expensive, and you haven't proven yourself responsible enough to own one yet.
Lily: Uh, I was responsible enough to come to a foreign country and build a life with two strangers.
Mitchell: Okay, you used that one to get a later bedtime, all right?

Jay: Gloria, you got a package from Colombia. Must mean the government took back the airstrip.

Cameron: You know what? As a former mall Santa, I vowed never to comment on a sitting Santa, but you're a disgrace to the red and white.

Jay: Hey, listen. I left something inside. I need you to get it for me. This should keep you safe.
Manny: Are you crazy? I'm not going back into that spider's nest.
Jay: Fine, I hate them, too. The problem is, they're attracted to my musk. I went to the insect room at the zoo a while back, and they all started banging on the glass like inmates.
Manny: What'd you leave in there that's so important?
Jay: It's a medication. I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom 'cause I didn't want her to worry.
Manny: Can we just stop by a liquor store and refill your "prescription."
Jay: It's a medicine! Look... I'm sure our hotel has a top notch spa. One that might add a, uh, hot stone massage, an herbal soak.
Manny: Do I look like someone who can be bought?
Jay: No, but you do look like someone who might enjoy a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle.
Manny: You son of a bitch.

Alex: Please tell me you told Mom and Dad.
Dylan: No, but we're gonna tell them in song. Listen to this part. [playing guitar, singing loudly] ♪ Soon a baby as cute as us ♪ ♪ Will spring forth from Haley's uterus ♪

Luke: What are you roasting on the space heater?
Claire: Oh, I threw those cards in the trash. They got all soggy.
Luke: Even Uncle Cam's?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Luke: You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns.

Claire: It's over, Phil. The house smells like smoke, we have no tree and nine scorched, yet soaking-wet gifts. Worst of all, I have to make Mitchell's day by telling him we're moving the party to his house and I'm on permanent host probation forever. Who knows? Maybe in a couple years they'll toss me a pity holiday. "Welcome to my non-alcoholic Earth Day brunch." [sighs] In brighter news, I am getting on a prop plane in a couple hours. Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right?

Gloria: Oh, no. That looks like a banana spider bite!
Jay: It's not a bite, he bumped his head.
Cameron: No, that looks like a bite. My sister got bit by a Missouri Silo Spider, lost a toe. Happy ending, she was born with eleven.