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35Quotes from ‘Stuck in a Moment’

Modern Family: Stuck in a Moment

1010. Stuck in a Moment

Aired December 12, 2018

As Haley searches for the right time to break the news to her family that she's pregnant, Alex feels the burden of keeping the secret from her parents. Claire steals Christmas back after Phil borrows the decorations for an open house. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria deal with an infestation at home, and Mitchell and Cameron have a few Christmas missteps as they take care of Cal.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough, now that we were hosting Christmas, I had to get a new tree and gifts into the house before Claire got home. Fortunately, I had a copy of her gift list. It was eerie how many of these events were lining up with the plot of my children's book in progress, "The Realtor Who Saved Christmas."

Quote from Jay

Manny: Hey, wait, wait a second. Wait a second. This is your medication? "Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease?"
Jay: I suffer from dry elbow.
Manny: That's what I risked my life for?
Jay: Supple elbows are heavily featured in every good power pose. That's how I got the cover to Closet World. I literally elbowed my way to the top.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, you got a package from Colombia. Must mean the government took back the airstrip.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Can we go look at phones after this?
Cameron: No, Lily, you are not getting a cell phone for Christmas. They're expensive, and you haven't proven yourself responsible enough to own one yet.
Lily: Uh, I was responsible enough to come to a foreign country and build a life with two strangers.
Mitchell: Okay, you used that one to get a later bedtime, all right?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know what? As a former mall Santa, I vowed never to comment on a sitting Santa, but you're a disgrace to the red and white.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, listen. I left something inside. I need you to get it for me. This should keep you safe.
Manny: Are you crazy? I'm not going back into that spider's nest.
Jay: Fine, I hate them, too. The problem is, they're attracted to my musk. I went to the insect room at the zoo a while back, and they all started banging on the glass like inmates.
Manny: What'd you leave in there that's so important?
Jay: It's a medication. I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom 'cause I didn't want her to worry.
Manny: Can we just stop by a liquor store and refill your "prescription."
Jay: It's a medicine! Look... I'm sure our hotel has a top notch spa. One that might add a, uh, hot stone massage, an herbal soak.
Manny: Do I look like someone who can be bought?
Jay: No, but you do look like someone who might enjoy a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle.
Manny: You son of a bitch.

Quote from Dylan

Alex: Please tell me you told Mom and Dad.
Dylan: No, but we're gonna tell them in song. Listen to this part. [playing guitar, singing loudly] ♪ Soon a baby as cute as us ♪ ♪ Will spring forth from Haley's uterus ♪

Quote from Luke

Luke: What are you roasting on the space heater?
Claire: Oh, I threw those cards in the trash. They got all soggy.
Luke: Even Uncle Cam's?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Luke: You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns.

Quote from Claire

Claire: It's over, Phil. The house smells like smoke, we have no tree and nine scorched, yet soaking-wet gifts. Worst of all, I have to make Mitchell's day by telling him we're moving the party to his house and I'm on permanent host probation forever. Who knows? Maybe in a couple years they'll toss me a pity holiday. "Welcome to my non-alcoholic Earth Day brunch." [sighs] In brighter news, I am getting on a prop plane in a couple hours. Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right?

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Oh, no. That looks like a banana spider bite!
Jay: It's not a bite, he bumped his head.
Cameron: No, that looks like a bite. My sister got bit by a Missouri Silo Spider, lost a toe. Happy ending, she was born with eleven.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Stop! He wasn't bitten. He bumped his head when he went back in the house to grab my medication.
Gloria: What medication?
Claire: Oh, my God, Dad, are you okay?
Phil: We're gonna get through this, buddy.
Jay: It's an elbow cream that I secretly use every night after Gloria falls asleep.
Gloria: You sent our son into the nest of a deadly spider for a beauty cream?
Jay: It's a medicine that treats the heartbreaking condition of dry elbow! It requires a veterinarian's prescription because it's primarily used on rhinos and elephants. [all chuckling] I see on our march to become a perfect society, elbow shaming is still allowed.

Quote from Manny

Dylan: Can somebody save my life?
Jay: Oh, Cam, grab a foot.
Cameron: Yep.
Jay: God, he's really wedged in there.
Manny: Ah, if only we had some kind of award-winning, placenta-based lubricant.

Quote from Haley

Dylan: Merry Christmas Eve, Alex.
Alex: So, he's still alive... Must mean you haven't told Mom you're pregnant yet.
Haley: We want to be careful to do it right.
Alex: Now you're being careful? I can't keep this secret anymore. Look at me!
Haley: [gasps]
Dylan: Ugh. She's going gray.
Haley: Oh my God, she is! I was just gasping at the haircut.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Well, we're telling them today, okay? That way, if Mom freaks, she'll have 10 days in Bermuda to calm down.
Alex: Okay, then go now! She's never in a better mood than on Christmas Eve.
Dylan: Wait, is this a good way to tell her? We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire," and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma," we go, "Tell that to Haley and my's baby."
Alex: Promise me you won't home school this kid.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Hey, Mom. What are you doing?
Claire: Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter.
Alex: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card. You know how sensitive he gets about his piano placement.
Luke: Remember that one year where his card was slightly behind the one from our old babysitter?
Alex: Mm, I believe he spoke the charming phrase, "And who is this whore?"

Quote from Claire

Dylan: Check out the sledding polar bear paper. Can't look at that and not be in a good mood, huh?
Haley: Yeah.
Claire: I am so sick of that stuff. I ordered five rolls from some kid for a school drive. He shows up with fifty... his fault. Kid bursts into tears. Like it's on me that he can't count?
Luke: I was six, Mom.
Claire: Mm.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Bermuda just gets it. Formal yet casual.
Claire: And home of the most perfectly tanned lower thigh, upper knee region in the world.
Phil: It's not hard to pick out a Bermudan in a locker room.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Wait. Well, this can't be right. This itinerary says we're on four flights with three layovers.
Phil: Oh, yeah, um... Remember how I found that amazing airline deal online?
Claire: Yeah, but two of these layovers are six hours each.
Phil: Yes, but the third one's only minutes.
Claire: But it's at O'Hare. Honey, we'll have to sprint from one end of the airport to the other.
Phil: It'll all be worth it when we wake up on December 27th in Bermuda, where the forecast predicts... hot fog.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Wait, hang on. Don't leave. Don't leave. What is Economy Minus?
Phil: A plus, actually, since no one's jealous of people with aisle seats, because it's basically two innovative eighteen-person benches facing each other.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Who moved Cam's card? He's gonna be very upset if he's not on the mantel!
Manny: I put it in a drawer until he gets here. That glitter was getting on everything.
Joe: I breathed some of that in. I cough gold now.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Those are the gifts from my cousins! [gasps] Beautiful! Back home we call these suéteres de Navidad.
Manny: So... Christmas sweaters.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Oh, look, they also sent a banana leaf wreath. [shouts] Ay, no! Banana spider!
Jay: What is that?!
Gloria: It's a deadly spider! It will kill you!
Jay: I know what deadly means!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas. It's tough with his mom being in prison.
Mitchell: Plus, his holiday season kind of got off to a rough start.
[flashback:]
Cameron: You know, of all of our wonderful ornament selects, these are my fave. Merry Christmas!
Mitchell: From Mitch and Cam!
Mitchell: ♪ Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause ♪ ♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪
Cameron: ♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪ ♪ All for the little ones' Christmas joy ♪
Both: ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ ♪ Oh, up on the housetop, click, click, click ♪
[back:]
Cameron: He was fine.
Mitchell: Fine!
Cameron: He was fine. We barely got through three verses and a repeat chorus before we realized our mistake. Although that rainstorm came out of nowhere.
Mitchell: Yeah.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, Santa. So, just wondering if you could you do us a favor and tell us what our nephew just asked for for Christmas?
Santa: I know you. You're that lawyer.
Mitchell: Oh, no. This is never good.
Santa: You're the ADA who charged me with public intoxication. Got me sentenced to fifty hours community service... working as a mall Santa is part of it.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, I'm sorry. But can't we move past that? We really need to know what our nephew asked for.
Santa: He asked for a more lenient justice system.
Cameron: Well, I doubt that. He's pretty conservative. We have to pretend to be roommates.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Where's the tree? Where are the gifts?
Luke: I assumed you canceled Christmas because you found out that I... But I interrupted you.
Claire: Did your dad take them to his showing? He's always doing this. He steals my decorations to stage his houses to make them homier. He swore he would stop doing this!
Luke: At least he left the "wreaf."
Claire: Wreath.
Luke: Eh, I've heard it both ways.
Claire: No, I have, too. Doesn't make it right.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: It's the perfect way to get your mom in a good mood. Think about it. Cupcakes are little cakes just like babies are little people.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, it really is the most wonderful time of the year. Isn't it?
Cameron: Beautiful.
Mitchell: So, listen, do you mind if...
Elf: Do you think you're the first parents wanting to take a peek at my scroll? Better stick something in my bootie.
Mitchell: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Cameron: I'm sorry. What?
Elf: Cash in the slipper, perv.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Uh, we'll look at pictures of Cal in line and then match the kids up behind him with the toys on the list.
Mitchell: Okay, so, well, I guess this Asian kid, he maybe wants the, uh...
Cameron: There's no time to be politically correct. He wants the calculator.
Mitchell: Calculator.
Cameron: And he wants it bad. Yeah.
Mitchell: Wait, does that mean that this little boy wants the Barbie Styling Head?
Cameron: Yep, look at the turned-out foot.
Mitchell: Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, you got this. You're quicker than those things.
Manny: I doubt that.
Jay: You're smarter.
Manny: I can't make a web out of nothing.
Jay: Plus, you got a weapon.
Manny: A leaf blower?
Jay: Hey, that thing can blow a Pomeranian through a hedge. Let's just say little Mimi from next door won't be visiting our lawn anymore.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hello, Phil.
Phil: Oh!
Claire: Oh, that's right. The tree's back where it belongs.
Phil: You stole it?!
Claire: Oh, no, you did. Just like you stole my family of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys, my inflatable Easter bunny, and my Uncle Sam piñata, all for your open houses. Today was my chance to shed a very unfair reputation.
Phil: Claire...
Claire: I put two people in the hospital one time, and now I'm a Christmas ruiner.
Phil: Fire!

Quote from Claire

Phil: Claire.
Claire: Honey, I just can't right now. I'm not in the mood for... [chuckles] How?
Phil: Merry Christmas from me.
Claire: Did you sneak out earlier and buy all this stuff to cover your tracks?
Phil: Or you can choose to believe it's a Christmas miracle.
Claire: I choose miracle.

Quote from Joe

Jay: Didn't you empty a can of powerful hairspray in the bathroom? And did you go in there, too?
Gloria: Fine! I needed something, okay? But at least I went in myself.
Joe: After you offered me $20 and I said no. [to Manny] Some of us can't be bought.

Quote from Dylan

Alex: Okay, one of my teeth is loose. I am begging you to tell them.
Dylan: That's what this is. I'm coming down the chimney as Santa, delighting Joe and Cal.
Haley: Mom will see how good he is with kids and then be super chill with us being pregnant.
Alex: Ugh...
Dylan: [groans] Uh-oh. I'm stuck.

Quote from Claire

Dylan: [o.s.] Don't tell them now. I want to be with you!
Claire: Tell us what?
Haley: Nothing. It can wait.
Alex: No, it can't! Please! My organs are shutting down!
Haley: Okay, fine. I... We have an announcement. Dylan and I are having a baby. [gasps]
Dylan: Are they smiling?
Phil: You're pregnant?
Haley: Yes. [clears throat] And w-we're really happy about it.
Phil: Why wouldn't you be? Wow!
Haley: Mom?
Claire: It's... it's a lot to process at once, and... [sighs] A baby. Unbelievable!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell & Cameron: ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ [hesitantly] ♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
Cameron: ♪ Did we leave the kids at Claire's house? ♪
Both: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Mitchell: ♪ Lily really needs a cell phone ♪
Both: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Mitchell: ♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪
Both: ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪


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