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36Quotes from ‘Grab It’

Modern Family: Grab It

806. Grab It

Aired November 9, 2016

Jay is worried when Phil considers becoming a member of his country club. When Alex wants to attend a lecture by a successful businesswoman and mother, Claire thinks her daughter is trying to follow in her footsteps. Meanwhile, Mitchell is upset when Cameron drags him to an interactive theater event.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] Grandpa got me a job at his country club, and I've been cleaning up in tips. I also like the way those guys talk. There's actually an ethnic slur for Norwegians. It's ice [bleep]ers.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't know what I was worried about. All I had to do was let Phil be Phil. He'd never get past the vote. Fortunately, clueless boobs are one group the Supreme Court can't force us to let in.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Who am I kidding? I can't fall asleep. Every car alarm, every whistle of the wind sounds like people laughing at me.
Gloria: It's all in your imagination.
Joe: [laughing]
Manny: [groans] I just want to Netflix and Mom.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, buddy, they canceled my showing, so I can drive you to work. That looks good. What is it?
Luke: Lobster Thermidor from the country club. There's also cherries jubilee in the fridge.
Phil: Mmm. Look at us eating like rich people in the '50s.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Okay, well, I'm off. I'm signing up for some business classes at community college.
Claire: Business class, huh? Sounds like somebody's been influenced by living under the same roof with a certain captain of industry.
Phil: Thank you, honey, but none of my success would have been possible without your support as a homemaker.

Quote from Luke

Lily: So, I don't really have a job title or even a set place to work, so I kind of just float around and make sure everyone has what they need. 4:00, Your Honor. Don't forget to take your medicine.
Phil: Well, all these powerful guys. You can make connections here that'll last forever.
Luke: Not really. We have a lot of turnover here. That flag outside has been at half-mast since April.

Quote from Phil

Phil: How's that work?
Luke: You find a member to sponsor you, come have some drinks with the committee, and they vote a few people in.
Phil: Similar process to a secret cheer society I was in. Skull and Pom-Poms. I've said too much already.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I haven't had one night to myself in six months, but tonight, Manny's going to a party.
And if I can get Joe tired enough to go to sleep, I can finally relax and take a long, nice bath. I even have a wine glass that floats. In case I fall asleep, nothing bad can happen.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Stop pretending, all right? You tricked me.
Cameron: I did not.
Mitchell: You always trick me. Every time we leave the house, it's like a game of three-card Monte.
Cameron: Interactive theater is fun.
Mitchell: It's not fun. It's never fun. It's the worst thing that can happen to human during peace time.

Quote from Phil

Congressman Morley: So, tell us about yourself, Phil.
Phil: Well, uh, you and I have something in common, actually. We're both Congressmen.
Jay: Go on, with that, Phil.
Phil: You're in the State Congress, and I was in the Junior Tumbling Congress.
Judge Lewis: I was in Tumbling Congress. You trampoline?
Phil: I'm on my tramp like three nights a week! [chuckles] The rest of the time, I'm- I'm with my wife. [laughter]

Quote from Jay

Phil: So, I go back to the seller with an all-cash no-contingency offer that'd pay off both his mortgages and leave enough after capital gains to put a down payment on a condo. I give him an hour or I'm pulling the offer.
Congressman Morley: I love this story. It's like a western.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: It was a nightmare. Tumbling stories, bad jokes, and they ate it up! I'd say they were being polite, but I've personally seen two of those guys hit pedestrians and not even slow down!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Cam wasn't wrong about this. We paid for the whole seat, but we're only using the edge of it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, Mom! Have a good day at work.
Claire: Uh, I already did that. It's 3:30.
Alex: How are you just waking up?
Haley: I set my alarm for noon. I must have slept through it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, by the way, here is the insurance money.
Claire: Thank you.
Alex: A lot of singles in there. What exactly do you do at this club? [chuckles]
Haley: Oh, right. 'Cause I'm a stripper, Alex. [chuckles] Oh, my God, do you really think I'm a stripper?
Phil: No.
Claire: No.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Sweetheart, while I'm very flattered by your sudden interest in business, how about instead of another class, you get a job? Get your hands a little dirty, huh?
Haley: She could run her hands through her hair. That would do it.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Hey, hey, hey! Cramps. Luke and I just split a Beef Wellington and clams casino. Um, I'm wondering if you'd, uh, sponsor me for the new-members thing tonight.
Jay: Gee, I'd like to, but they got rules about relatives sponsoring new members, so-
Anders: No, they don't. I just did it.
Jay: Gee, they must have changed that.
Phil: Oh, great, I'll see you tonight. What time should I be here?
Jay: Oh, I think it starts about 9:30.
Anders: No, it'll be over by then. It starts at 7:00.
Jay: They must have changed that, too.
Phil: Thanks, Jay. See you at 7:00.
Anders: Wait, that was Claire's husband, right?
Jay: Yes, it was, Anders, you stupid ice [bleep].

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Which shirt for the party the canary or the daffodil?
Gloria: We're not doing this again. I just did the herringbone or the tweed for your vest. Just pick one and go.
Manny: [sighs] Okay. Oh, well, this needs ironing.
Gloria: Okay, jump on. Rudolph, to the laundry room!
Joe: Ohh.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I know it's just community theater, but aren't opening nights so exciting?
Mitchell: Yes, the cream of society decked out in their finest flip-flops.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, what is going on? Why is everyone talking to me?
Cameron: I think they're just being friendly.
Mitchell: Cam, oh, my God. Is is this one of those interactive theater experiences?
Cameron: Oh, do you mean where the audience participates and the line between performer and spectator is delightfully blurred? Mitchell, we're at a high-school reunion!

Quote from Gloria

Manny: I had the most humiliating experience of my entire life. I may never leave this house again.
Gloria: Okay, you're just tired. I'm gonna make you an espresso, and you go back.
Manny: No, I can't go back there.
Gloria: Did you get in trouble again for adjusting the lighting? You're still young. You can take a bright bulb.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I was flirting with Ava Morris, and I walked into a coffee table and hit my shin really hard and started crying in front of everyone. Bad enough but then I noticed I spilled my drink on my crotch area, creating a very incriminating stain. I ran to the bathroom and started drying it with a towel, but the door swung open, and I was viewed by my classmates vigorously attending to my groin. Oh, and did I mention the picture of Ava's grandmother water skiing in a bikini that was directly in my eye-line?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Alex is not my most expressive child, but when she enrolled in a business class and then signed up for a lecture series called "Meet the She-E-O," it was pretty clear to me what she was trying to say "I admire you, Mom."

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] A mother knows how to read between the lines. Alex's mouth may have said, "You're embarrassing me." But her heart was saying, "You're inspiring me." "Leave me alone." "Show me the way." "Are you still talking?" "Never stop rocking."

Quote from Claire

Claire: I've got a just a quick comment. Um, I also raised three children, and I am the She-E-O of a large company. And I got to say, it's like looking a mirror, Nancy.
Nancy Decker: That's great. What's the company?
Claire: Pritchett's Closets and Blinds.
Nancy Decker: You sell closets and blinds? I could understand shutters and blinds or closets and-
Claire: We're good, Nancy. What I wanted to talk about was how on page 1 of your book, you say you had hard time not bringing your work home.
Nancy Decker: That was just a joke. As you remember, my business was started in my garage.
Claire: Ah. So, you know how it's not just family time that matters. It's quality family time.
Nancy Decker: I agree. That's why I home-school all three of my children. The conference table in our boardroom actually rests on their play structure. What am I saying? Stand up, kids? [Chuckles.]
All: Aww!
Claire: So, three daddies?
Alex: You sound insane!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen. You need one more move to drive this home, and I'm thinking, what does Phil bring to the party no else does? Magic.
Phil: Are you sure? I'm a little rusty.
Jay: My money's on you. Go big, then go home.
Phil: Sounded like you said...
Jay: Hey, everybody! Phil's gonna do a little magic trick for you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, uh, this one is for all of the lawyers in the room because you're so good at making our money disappear. Oh, hold on. Um Congressman Morley, enough with the taxes. You don't see us making you pay through the nose. Okay, hold on. Nobody move, I got this!
[Phil trips, accidentally pulls tablecloth without disturbing the items on the tables]
All: [laughter, applause]
[aside to camera: Jay is lost for words]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, that is it! You don't want to go to sleep! And you don't want to go to the party! Then I'm canceling the night time!
Manny: Mom?
Gloria: You heard me. It's tomorrow. We're going to school. Wait for me in the car.
Manny: [on the phone] Hey, Jay. If you get this, please come-
Gloria: No one can help you now!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] A shattering depiction of human suffering.
Mitchell: But enough about how I felt.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Move your country ass. I'm- I'm leaving.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Yeah, who could forget how he courageously showed up to our 25th and then and then died in front of all of us.
Cameron: No, I'm about to die right now.
Mitchell: Mm-hmm, in fact, I I remember his death went a little something like like this. I've lived a long life.
Cameron: Mitchell, what are you doing?
Mitchell: Many friends. Oh, my beautiful Bess. [coughs] Even [coughs] took a trip to Washington, D. C. , and had my picture made with the Congressman. Never had any children, of course. [coughs] Which is why it was so important that I made it here tonight. To see each of you. You are my children! And I want to leave you [coughs] with this one last thing. Do not go gentle- Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!
Cameron: And I don't feel good either.
Mitchell: Yeah, good save.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Find anything on "Grab It" lady?
Claire: "Nancy Decker lawsuit" nope. "Nancy Decker nose job" nope. "Nancy Decker kills" Oh! " at CEO comedy night."

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Well, most of being a parent isn't fair. Right now, Alex is obsessed with some CEO business woman author who's basically an older-looking version of me. We're the same age, by the way.
Gloria: You know that Alex look up to you, right?
Claire: Not by anything she says, no.
Gloria: Yeah, they never say it. I guess they think that they're giving the parents too much power. They find little ways to express it. Being a mom is like being a model. You have to learn how to live on crumbs.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Honey, I'm so sorry about the way I was tonight.
Alex: It's okay. I actually got to go backstage and meet Nancy. She invited a few of us out for coffee.
Claire: Oh, fun.
Alex: Yeah, no, uh, not fun, actually. All she did was talk about herself. It really just seemed like she wanted an audience. And when the check came, you know what she didn't do? Grab it.

Quote from Jay

Judge Lewis: Sauna over here. Hot tub that way. Legend has it that the holes in the individual shower partitions were cigar holders.
Jay: At least that's the story we're sticking to.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, Phil, I can't do this.
Phil: You're leaving me here?!
Jay: No, I can't have you at this club! This is my place, damn it.
Phil: No!
Jay: I'm sorry, Phil. Can't you find another club? I mean, look at my life. I mean, I built my house, and before I even lived in it, I got married. And that's fantastic. And then I have my study, where I can close the door and have a glass of Scotch. And now it's Joe's room, and that's fantastic. But this is the only place I have left that I don't have to share with my family.
Phil: [gasps] I don't want to be that guy, but did you send that text yet?
Jay: The one place I feel special they call me "Ace" and "Jay Boy" and "Pritch." I'm not comfortable other places, okay? But you you fit in everywhere. The whole world is your club! But I have this place! You get that, right?
[Phil slides down the glass window as he collapses to the floor]
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Maintenance arrived one minute later and packed him in ice from the seafood bar, and he was as good as new.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [bouncing] This is living, huh?
Jay: How long do we have this thing for?
Phil: Only three hours. You saw the sign. Every bounce counts!


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