Quotes from Clive Bixby and Juliana, Phil and Claire's romantic alter egos.
Phil: Happy Valentine's, by the way.
Claire: Mmm, no. Gross and sweaty from running. So, for later tonight, you thinking what I'm thinking, valentine?
Phil: I believe I am.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Every Valentine's Day, Claire and I look forward to some naughty role-playing. Sexually adventurous cuckolder Juliana and Clive Bixby, speaker salesman by day, spy by night. Lover also by night and sometimes during the day. The speaker business, it it pretty much runs itself.
Claire: Well, Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side and an hour to kill.
Phil: Is that what I think it is?
Claire: It's not a gift card. Or maybe it is. I'll be upstairs, Clive. Don't take too long.
Phil: I never do.
Phil: I must say, Juliana, you're the last person I expected to see here tonight.
Claire: Well, with any luck, you'll be the last person I do see tonight.
Phil: [chuckles] Oh, my God.
Claire: Phil, I've had my eye on you for years. I'm just so happy we're finally gonna get some alone time. I'm not scaring you, am I?
Phil: Quite the contrary. Most women who meet me almost instantly ask for some alone time.
Phil: Alright, big day. Lots of plans. First thing's first, getting into character.
Phil: [French accent] Claude Bixby, mustard magnate with a flair for...
Claire: Uh, Phil... Claude... I-I love that you're doing all of this, but doesn't some tiny part of you feel guilty for ditching Guy? I mean, he did wait for me for 30 years. We could invite him for a glass of wine.
Phil: [sighs] [normal voice] Fine. But I'm warning you, if he gets out of line, Claude knows karate. And Krav Maga. He's Jewish on his mother's side.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Claire was about to meet Clive Bixby's French cousin, Claude. The plan was simple enough. All I did was create a fake work emergency and wait for Claire at her favorite café. [French accent] Welcome to France. What is the purpose of your visit? L'amour. Just answer the question, sir! [normal voice] Oh, I'm s-so sorry. Um, business... [French accent] of l'amour.
Phil: Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Claire: Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, you in town for a convention, or do you just forget your name a lot?
Phil: Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers. [takes out cigarette]
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.
Phil: It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.
Phil: So, what's your story? Miss America Pageant in town?
Claire: You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.
Phil: I'm pretty smooth all over. [lights up]
Waitress: Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Phil: Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smoker.
Claire: You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.
Phil: Oops. I seem to have dropped my spare hotel key.
Phil: Shh. No need to call whoever this Phil is. You're in no danger. This key is to room 422 at the Ramada down the street. Slip out when you can. I'll pre-disable the smoke detectors so you don't set it off when you shimmy out of those sensible wide-leg trousers.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: For the past several Valentine's, we've adopted sexy alter egos Juliana, wild and spontaneous, and Clive, passionate collector of beautiful women and antique sailing maps.
Phil: Valentine's Day isn't over yet, Juliana.
Claire: Sweetie, let's not push it. You almost got arrested tonight.
Phil: That's how it's gonna be? You're just givin' up on us?
Claire: I am not giving up on us. I'm giving up on Clive and Juliana.
Phil: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know a couple people who could possibly save this night.
Phil: Maybe you've heard of 'em. Two American kids doing the best that they can. Phil and Claire Dunphy.
Claire: [aside to camera] This year, for Valentine's Day, we're gonna have a nice, quiet dinner at lbiza. Last year, we, um we overreached a little.
Phil: We created sexy alter egos, Clive and Juliana met in the hotel bar. This one lost her panties in the lobby, in front of her dad-
Phil: Which was a little- It was hard. It was hard for her.
Claire: You know I can't stand it when you use that word.
Claire: Ye- That- Yes. That word.
Phil: Sorry. She lost her underpanties.
Claire: Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know anything about tying knots?
Phil: I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.
Claire: Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife.
Phil: Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Claire: Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because she's always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh, no. She can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Claire: Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.
Phil: I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Claire: Yeah. So if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because I respect her too much to do to her what I'm going to do to you?
Claire: Oh, jackpot. I'll be right back, Clive.