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‘Can't Elope’ Quotes

Modern Family: Can't Elope

1020. Can't Elope

Aired April 10, 2019

Haley and Dylan plan to elope before the babies are born, but when their families find out things get out of hand. Meanwhile, Jay courts an influencer to promote his doggy bed business.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Uh, whoever's officiating, if you can carve out some time for a poem I've written. It's sort of a "Beowulf" meets "You've Got Mail."


Quote from Haley

Haley: Mnh! How can my babies be early?! I've never been early to anything! Maybe they're not mine!
Dylan: I've always been faithful to you!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Um... that was weird.
Dylan: Those little people with the full-size baby?
Haley: No, when the doctor called you my husband.
Dylan: Well, people are gonna assume...
Gloria: No, it... It was weird because I liked it.
Dylan: Seriously? Because I proposed, like, six times.
Haley: I know. I just... It seemed so old-fashioned at the time, but when I thought that the babies were coming, I-I...
Dylan: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Haley: I'm gonna need a little help here. Okay. Okay, we're good. Dylan Stardust Marshall, will you... Oh! Going over. Okay. Okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. It's okay. Will you marry me?
Dylan: Oh, my God. This is exactly how I imagined it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And so, by the powers vested in me by, I pronounce you, Dylan, and you, Haley, husband and wife.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Tonight is the L.A. premiere of "Sophie's Choice: The Musical." And it sold out in seconds, but the theater reserved a few amazing house seats for an online lottery.
Cameron: And there's a rumor Meryl Streep is going to be in the audience.
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Cameron: You have to feel for that poor actress playing Sophie. It'd be like me sewing costumes in front of Bob Mackie.
Mitchell: And the award for the gayest thing ever said goes to...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Is this a sign?
Mitchell: Yes! We are meant to see the show!
Cameron: No, it's one of those CAPTCHA things. Is that a road sign?!
Lily: Yes!

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Oh, thank you, sweetie. You saved us.
Lily: It's fine. I needed the miles.
Cameron: Thank you.
Mitchell: Where's she off to?
Cameron: I'm sure it's fine.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You look gorgeous. Now, remember...
Gloria: Okay, this is not my first time impressing your business associates. I know the drill. Laugh at their jokes, touch their arms...
Jay: Yeah, and if he pees on the floor, don't make a big deal out of it.
Gloria: What is happening?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I quit the closet game to become the king of high-end, whimsical dog beds. And to market them today, I'm hosting social-media influencer Arthur Goodboy. This little stud has over million followers on the Instagram. One photo of him with a product can be a game-changer.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Haley and Dylan are getting married.
Luke: Dressed like that?
Haley: Ugh. Now I have to invite Luke?
Alex: Not if you don't want to.
Luke: This feels great.
Haley: Okay, that is it. Luke, but no one else.
Dylan: Hey, so, my mom found out your parents are coming, 'cause I told her, and now she's on her way. And Grandpa's coming. You guys are gonna love him. Oh, but if he asks you to kill him, don't.

Quote from Haley

Phil: I'm ordained. I can perform the ceremony.
Claire: That is such a great idea! That way, it's easy and intimate. I mean, that's what you wanted, right? So, go down to the courthouse, get your marriage license, come back here, and we'll all be waiting.
Haley: Fine. But let's go now. I'm starving, and they make a great soft pretzel at the courthouse snack shop.
Claire: How do you know that?
Haley: I can still elope.
Phil: Don't you ruin this for me.

Quote from Phil

Claire: If Dylan's bringing his grandfather, that means we have to invite Dad and Gloria, right?
Phil: I think so, yeah. But he probably won't show. Jay hates last-minute plans. He'll be like, [as Jay] "Oh, geez, why don't they just elope?"
Luke: [o.s.] Grandpa?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Are you kidding me?!
Mitchell: I know! What do we do, a musical or the wedding?
Cameron: It's the cruelest decision anyone's ever been forced to make.

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: Hola, lovebirds.
Haley: Oh, this is a disaster.
Ronaldo: I know, but we can't pick our childhood homes. Don't worry. I can fix everything. Just take your time changing your clothes.
Haley: Oh, this is what I'm wearing.
Ronaldo: You're hilarious.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, Gloria. Do me a favor. Put some salami in my TV.
Gloria: Whatever that is a code for, the answer is no.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Dog beds are ridiculous and sad. But they're important to Jay. So I guess that loving someone means that you have to respect their idiotic, nauseating dreams.

Quote from Claire

Haley: I don't want to hear it, Mom.
Claire: Run.
Haley: What?!
Claire: Yeah. We're really sorry that this all got away from us. But all we care about is that you're happy. And you should have the wedding you want.
Phil: Your mom's right. We eloped, and I still think of it as one of the best days of my life.
Claire: It still seems like the last day we were alone.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You wanted to talk to me?
Phil: Yeah. Um... It's been bothering me the last few days that since they were gonna elope, Dylan never came to me and asked for Haley's hand in marriage.
Jay: Yeah.
Phil: Well, then it occurred to me that, since Claire and I eloped, I never officially asked you for her hand in marriage. So, uh...
Jay: So ask me.
Phil: Okay. Jay, I love your daughter very much, and I would like your...
Jay: Nope.
Phil: That's very funny. Um... But seriously, I would very much like your blessing.
Jay: Sorry. I've got several concerns. I'm not on board.
Phil: You realize this is just a-a formality. We've been married for almost years.
Jay: And the entire time, without my blessing.
Phil: Okay, how many dog beds is this gonna cost me?
Jay: Five.
Phil: Three.
Jay: Four.
Phil: Done.
Jay: Blessed!

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