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‘Punkin Chunkin’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Punkin Chunkin

309. Punkin Chunkin

Aired November 23, 2011

When an old neighborhood kid who was inspired by Phil returns to town as a successful Internet billionaire, Phil wonders what he could have achieved if he had followed his dreams. Jay is worried that Gloria won't tell Manny the truth about his centerpiece. Meanwhile, Cameron is offended when Mitchell questions one of his colorful farm stories.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So the fog was rolling in over the mountains like an ominous blanket as we readied the giant slingshot. You know, Lorna, the pastor's daughter, she was nervous because like I said, it was after curfew. She was a goody two-shoe. Only pastor's daughter I ever met that was. So we finally launch the pumpkin, and it sails through the air, goalpost to goalpost. Past the end zone, into the parking lot, through the open roof of Lorna's dad's car. I turn to Cody and I say, "Now what are the chances of that landing there?" He says, "Where?" And I say "The sunroof of a preacher man." [silence]
Mitchell: Wah-wah.

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Quote from Phil

[As Claire stuffs the turkey:]
Phil: "Oh, my goodness, those hands are cold! At least buy me dinner first!"
Luke: Boom!
Claire: "Tell my wife and kids I love them."
Phil: Oh, my God.
Luke: That's kind of dark, mom.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait, what's my favourite hospital food?
Luke: Ummm.
Phil: [answering phone] Jell-o!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. I get it. So how long have I been embarrassing you with my stories?
Mitchell: No, no, no, no. You don't embarrass me. I love your stories, okay? The tractor in the swimming hole? Aunt Betty's wiglet on the piglet?
Cameron: Uncle Carl said she couldn't tell 'em apart.
Mitchell: See? Those are funny. You have so many great ones.
Cameron: Well, that's farm life. Rain or shine, there's always a bumper crop of stories.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Punkin chunkin is a true story.
Mitchell: True-ish?
Cameron: No. True.
Mitchell: Really? The length of a football field, through the sunroof of a car that was open in late November in Missouri?
Cameron: It was unseasonably warm.
Mitchell: That explains the fog rolling over the hill. And who's Cody? Who you're close enough to chunk with but mysteriously only appears in this story?
Cameron: Cody was K.I.A. in Desert Storm. He's a hero. You know, all this from someone who's never even chunked a punkin.
Mitchell: Well, I've never lunked a tunkin, either. You know, these aren't real things.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, that would be sad. Except maybe my sadness will inspire me to create something even greater. Remember that collage I made that helped us get through Katrina?
Gloria: Mm-hmm.
Jay: You did this. You know that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Wow, honey. I-I think you could make these simpler. Just, you know, sort of do 'em flat and on the side.
Phil: Hmm. Yeah. Seems like that's how you like me. Flat and on the side. You know what? Sometimes I need to be puffed up and frilly.
Claire: All right, is this one of those moments I'm gonna have to remember later when they ask me if there were any signs?
Phil: This is what Phil would do. Make fantastic napkin origami that startles and delights his guests.
Claire: I know, but, sweetie, they're just looking a little...
Phil: Claire, you always do this. You squelch me. You squelch me right when I'm about to soar.
Claire: Honey, you're folding napkins.
Phil: You're folding my dreams!

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know what Kenneth told me? The secret to his success: His whole career, he's tried to emulate me. The only difference is, he hasn't had someone constantly telling him what not to do.
Claire: So the only reason we don't have a- a blimp tethered to our mailbox is because I'm always shooting down your great ideas?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Let's review the squelch pile, Phil. Let's see. The rice pudding franchise.
Phil: Works for all chewing abilities.
Claire: Adult tricycles.
Phil: Just try to fall off.
Claire: The aspirin gun.
Phil: Some people have a hard time swallowing!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Action. Hey, friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.
Luke: The stress from my job at the robot assassin factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.
Phil: Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The Real Head Scratcher features 22 patent-pending nogginizers that gently massage your scalp in a soothing purr of motorized delight.
Luke: Ahh. It feels great, and it looks good, too. It's a real lifesaver.
Phil: You mean a real head-scratcher? [both laugh] "TM."

Quote from Phil

Claire: I love you, Phil, but you-
Phil: Stop. I love your "I love you." I'm getting awful tired of your "but." I heard it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: It's healthy to get things out in the open. Y'all know my punkin chunkin story, or do you need a refresher?
Jay: We've heard it.
Claire: Oh, several times.
Gloria: I love it, with Cody and the friends?
Cameron: Yes. So you know how it ends. But the question is, who here thinks I made that up?
[Jay, Mitchell, Claire and Alex raise their hands]
Cameron: Oh. Well, doesn't that tell the whole story right there? Here we have the skeptics. The dream-squashers. The Pritchetts. And here we have the dreamers, the artists, the visionaries.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Kenneth, I am so proud of you. You really made it.
Kenneth: Well, I did get one pretty lucky break. Early on, I met a very special guy who taught me that what I thought and said had value.
Luke: Oh, you mean like-
Phil: Shh. Luke. Let the man talk.
Kenneth: He encouraged me to always find the fun and follow this thing.
Luke: Your lung?
Kenneth: No, my heart. To this day, at every crossroad, I ask myself one question: What would Phil Dunphy do?
Phil: Record scratch!

Quote from Phil

Kenneth: Oh, that's me buzzin'. Oh, it's Paris. She's my assistant in Tokyo. You'd think they'd know how to demo 4-D gaming graphics without my help. They don't. Hey, Luke, what instrument does Yo-Yo Ma play?
Luke: Um...
Kenneth: [answering phone] Cello?
Phil: He's me. And he's spectacular.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] If I had a son, I'd want him to be like Kenneth Ploufe.
Claire: You do have a son.
Phil: When we first moved in here, he was the sweet kid who lived next door.
Claire: Mm, the weird kid who lived next door, but Phil always had a soft spot for him because Kenneth sort of looked up to him.
Phil: I wouldn't say hero.
Claire: And yet you did.
Phil: Well, you weren't going to. Claire's always had some issues with Kenneth.
Claire: He would stare at me a little too long.
Phil: Can you blame him? You used to dress sexy back then.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Once, Cam and his friends tried to slingshot a pumpkin across a football field. Three seconds. That's all he needs to tell that story.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, what are we looking at?
Manny: My centerpiece for Thanksgiving.
Gloria: It is wonderful. You're so talented. I can't believe that you did this.
Manny: Yeah, my juices were really flowing on this one. I actually shot a making-of video. Hey, maybe we can watch it later at the party.
Jay: Well, yeah, that or football.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Mi amor, I'm so proud of you. Is there nothing in the world that you can't do?
Jay: Centerpieces, for starters.
Gloria: Shh!
Jay: Why do you say everything of his is great, even if it isn't?
Gloria: Because I'm building him up. That's what parents do.
Jay: Too much, if you ask me. Kids cross the street nowadays, they get a ribbon. Manny's got plenty of confidence. He just needs a little reality check every now and then. And this thing is a horn of ugly.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Shh! My mother used to criticize everything I did. And look at me now. I am a jumble of insecurities.
Jay: I'm not getting that.
Gloria: Do not say a word to Manny.
Jay: Fine. But trust me, if you told him the truth, he'd thank you later.
Gloria: Mm. Like Claire and Mitch? Did they thank you?
Jay: Not yet. No. But it's coming.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Are you seriously gonna stay in here all day?
Alex: I can't face mom. If I see her, I'm gonna have to confess.
Haley: Take a breather. It's just a dent. And saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.
Alex: This is not the time for moral equivocation.
Haley: Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.

Quote from Haley

Alex: You're the one who's gonna lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.
Haley: All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did, so it's not really lying.
Alex: Listen to you. Are you gonna be a career criminal?
Haley: Ugh. You sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school.

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