Cameron: So the fog was rolling in over the mountains like an ominous blanket as we readied the giant slingshot. You know, Lorna, the pastor's daughter, she was nervous because like I said, it was after curfew. She was a goody two-shoe. Only pastor's daughter I ever met that was. So we finally launch the pumpkin, and it sails through the air, goalpost to goalpost. Past the end zone, into the parking lot, through the open roof of Lorna's dad's car. I turn to Cody and I say, "Now what are the chances of that landing there?" He says, "Where?" And I say "The sunroof of a preacher man." [silence]
Mitchell: Wah-wah.

Phil: Wait, what's my favourite hospital food?
Luke: Ummm.
Phil: [answering phone] Jell-o!

Cameron: Okay. I get it. So how long have I been embarrassing you with my stories?
Mitchell: No, no, no, no. You don't embarrass me. I love your stories, okay? The tractor in the swimming hole? Aunt Betty's wiglet on the piglet?
Cameron: Uncle Carl said she couldn't tell 'em apart.
Mitchell: See? Those are funny. You have so many great ones.
Cameron: Well, that's farm life. Rain or shine, there's always a bumper crop of stories.

Cameron: Punkin chunkin is a true story.
Mitchell: True-ish?
Cameron: No. True.
Mitchell: Really? The length of a football field, through the sunroof of a car that was open in late November in Missouri?
Cameron: It was unseasonably warm.
Mitchell: That explains the fog rolling over the hill. And who's Cody? Who you're close enough to chunk with but mysteriously only appears in this story?
Cameron: Cody was K.I.A. in Desert Storm. He's a hero. You know, all this from someone who's never even chunked a punkin.
Mitchell: Well, I've never lunked a tunkin, either. You know, these aren't real things.

Phil: You know what Kenneth told me? The secret to his success: His whole career, he's tried to emulate me. The only difference is, he hasn't had someone constantly telling him what not to do.
Claire: So the only reason we don't have a- a blimp tethered to our mailbox is because I'm always shooting down your great ideas?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Let's review the squelch pile, Phil. Let's see. The rice pudding franchise.
Phil: Works for all chewing abilities.
Claire: Adult tricycles.
Phil: Just try to fall off.
Claire: The aspirin gun.
Phil: Some people have a hard time swallowing!

Phil: Action. Hey, friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.
Luke: The stress from my job at the robot assassin factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.
Phil: Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The Real Head Scratcher features 22 patent-pending nogginizers that gently massage your scalp in a soothing purr of motorized delight.
Luke: Ahh. It feels great, and it looks good, too. It's a real lifesaver.
Phil: You mean a real head-scratcher? [both laugh] "TM."

Claire: I love you, Phil, but you-
Phil: Stop. I love your "I love you." I'm getting awful tired of your "but." I heard it.

Cameron: It's healthy to get things out in the open. Y'all know my punkin chunkin story, or do you need a refresher?
Jay: We've heard it.
Claire: Oh, several times.
Gloria: I love it, with Cody and the friends?
Cameron: Yes. So you know how it ends. But the question is, who here thinks I made that up?
[Jay, Mitchell, Claire and Alex raise their hands]
Cameron: Oh. Well, doesn't that tell the whole story right there? Here we have the skeptics. The dream-squashers. The Pritchetts. And here we have the dreamers, the artists, the visionaries.

Phil: Kenneth, I am so proud of you. You really made it.
Kenneth: Well, I did get one pretty lucky break. Early on, I met a very special guy who taught me that what I thought and said had value.
Luke: Oh, you mean like-
Phil: Shh. Luke. Let the man talk.
Kenneth: He encouraged me to always find the fun and follow this thing.
Luke: Your lung?
Kenneth: No, my heart. To this day, at every crossroad, I ask myself one question: What would Phil Dunphy do?
Phil: Record scratch!

Kenneth: Oh, that's me buzzin'. Oh, it's Paris. She's my assistant in Tokyo. You'd think they'd know how to demo 4-D gaming graphics without my help. They don't. Hey, Luke, what instrument does Yo-Yo Ma play?
Luke: Um...
Kenneth: [answering phone] Cello?
Phil: He's me. And he's spectacular.