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48Quotes from ‘Baby on Board’

Modern Family: Baby on Board

324. Baby on Board

Aired May 23, 2012

Mitchell and Cameron ask Gloria to help translate when they travel to Calexico in the hopes of finally adopting a baby. Jay and Manny are left to look after Lily, who is taking part in a big dance recital. Meanwhile, Claire and Phil are proud parents when they send Alex to prom and Haley seems to be taking charge of her life.

Quote from Alex

Michael: You look flawless.
Alex: Thanks.
Michael: Did I not say coral was the color for you? Look what it does for your skin. Hi!
Phil: Hi, buddy.
Claire: Hi.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: Yes, my bad boy prom date is gay. He just doesn't know it yet, so I'm basically his beard. Pre-beard. His stubble.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Jay! Manny! Good news! Mitch and Cam are getting a new baby today.
Jay: Really? That's fantastic.
Gloria: And it's Latino!
Manny: How's that giant fence working out for ya?

Quote from Haley

Claire: Um, we need to talk, honey. We're worried about you. You haven't heard back from the college that wait-listed you, and all the rest of your friends have. And now you're just wasting time at the mall.
Haley: For your information, I've already filled out and dropped off my community college application. And plus also I'm going to the mall because I have a job interview.
Claire: What?
Phil: Really?
Haley: My guidance counselor suggested I take a gap year. You know, a year between high school and college were you take some courses, have some life experiences, and get inspired. And obviously, work at the GAP.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Ay, please stop driving the car like a snake. It's making me nauseating.
Mitchell: Well, uh, if you want to switch places, there's plenty of room to stretch out back here.
Cameron: Yeah, that's why we traded our old prius in for the new one. You know, bigger family, bigger backseat. You can fit two car seats and a prize-winning pig back there.
Mitchell: Please don't put a pig in the backseat with our children.
Cameron: I'm not being literal. It's a unit of measurement we used on the farm. You know, like, "That bed's a double-pigger."

Quote from Jay

Jay: The first step in plane building, organize the parts. You got your power plant. You got your fuselage. You got your control surfaces. What's that?
Manny: A charcuterie. You got your prosciutto, your pancetta, your salami.
Jay: That's charcuterie? I've been avoiding that on menus for years. [chuckles] They're killing themselves with that name.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Always keep the rhythm in your feet. Then we're gonna add just a little party in the shoulders. All right? Now let's get those arms going. No, no, no. Arms down here says, "I'm white and I'm sorry," but arms up here says, "You don't know what I am."
Alex: I-I don't.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: [aside to camera] Tonight at dinner, I'm telling my parents the biggest news of all. After graduation, I'm moving in with someone.
Dylan: And his name is me.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Listen, I know that you're concerned, but I'm designing t-shirts now, and they're gonna be huge. Also medium and small.
Claire: Dylan, would you excuse us for a moment so we can talk to Haley?
Dylan: Sure, but you stay. I'll go.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Mr. D., do you have a tuxedo I could borrow?
Phil: Yeah, sure. I mean, it's the tux I got married in, so it's double-breasted.
Dylan: Perfect. So am I.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, Alex should be hitting the dance floor right about now. Must be fun.
Haley: Really, dad, let it go.
Phil: I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm just sad you're missing it. I can still totally picture my prom night. My date was Angela Wilkins. My dad dressed as a limo driver and spoke with a British accent. He even announced our arrival. [British accent] "Sir Philliam Dunphy and the Lady Wilkins!" All the cool kids were totally laughing with us.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: He thinks he's some sort of an expert because for the past two weeks, he's been watching this ridiculous Spanish soap opera.
Jay: "Fire And Ice"? Don't say a word about the ending of last night's episode. Gloria watches that. You'll ruin it.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, thank you, Gloria. I-I hate to ask this of you, but would you mind coming with us? We need someone who actually knows how to speak Spanish.
Cameron: Frío. Muy frío.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Watch me dance.
Jay: Honey, you don't need to practice anymore. The turning, the jumping, the little bird thing, you've got it.
Lily: What's this?
Jay: Sweetie, please don't play with the pieces. I've told you, they're very delicate.
Lily: What are you building?
Jay: It's a model of a plane that was built for Amelia Earhart.
Lily: Why?
Jay: Because she wanted to fly around the world.
Lily: Why?
Jay: Because she problem needed to get away from her kids.
Lily: Why?
Jay: [to Manny] You know how to stop this?
Manny: I'm on it. Lily, we really need you to let us concentrate for a few minutes, okay?
Lily: Your hair is weird.
Manny: Um, now I'm flustered.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, uh, sorry. Maybe think about something else. You know, I missed "Fire And Ice" on Monday. What happened?
Mitchell: My guess is a bunch of ridiculous plot turns done by overwrought actors who are impossibly good-looking.
Cameron: Don't listen to him.
Gloria: Nothing, really. Antonio hired a hooker to marry his father so that he can get back the money, but the hooker ended up being his long lost sister, the former beauty queen.
Mitchell: Oh. Well, I stand uncorrected.

Quote from Luke

Claire: "Our place"? What? What?
Haley: Um, well, since I have a job now and I'm going to community college, uh, Dylan and I were thinking that, you know, we would get an apartment together.
Claire: What?
Luke: Are you doing sex?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What was that for?!
Cameron: The nurse stole her grandmother's almonds.
Gloria: No, the nurse is mad at Juanita because Juanita stole her lover, and Juanita is mad at the nurse because the nurse told the grandmother about the baby!
Both: Our baby?
[Cameron, Mitchell and Gloria all stare off into the distance in dramatic soap-opera style]

Quote from Jay

Manny: We're both thinking it. I'm just gonna say it. Lily's dance is not up to the standard of what we just saw.
Jay: In my head, I'm golfing right now.

Quote from Jay

Dance Teacher: Hi, Mr. Pritchett? I'm Lily's dance teacher Lucy. We have a little bit of an issue.
Lily doesn't want to perform.
Jay: Oh, the poor thing. [to Manny] You get the kid, I'll get the car.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Lily. Your teacher tells me you don't want to dance. Is that true? But you were so good back at the house when you were practicing.
Lily: I wanna go home, to my house.
Jay: Ah, to your house, huh? Are you sad your dads aren't here? [Lily nods] Yeah. Well, I know they're sad to miss this, but they're getting you that baby brother. That's good, right? [Lily shakes her head] You know, honey, your dads are gonna love you just as much when you get this brother. Trust me. I first had your aunt Claire, and then your dad came along, and I loved them just the same, no matter what he tells you. You believe me? [Lily shrugs her shoulders] Close enough.
Jay: So what do you say? You gonna go out there and dance for everybody? No. Honey, there must be something I can do to get you out there.
Lily: [whispers] Come dance with me, grandpa.
Jay: No, honey, that's not gonna happen. How about I give you 50 bucks?

Quote from Claire

Haley: I don't see why I can't do this. I'm totally getting my life together.
Claire: Uh, allow me, if you will, to paint an accurate picture of this life, you think you want, okay? Um, at first, it's a blast: Buying a dish rack, hanging a sheet up to turn one room into two.
Phil: Allen-wrenching a bookcase called a Nurnk because you couldn't afford the Sklurg.
Claire: But then... Then those bills start rolling in, so you gotta pick up some extra shifts. And suddenly [gasps] Uh-oh, what's that? You're pregnant.
Phil: Should've been safe.
Claire: Ooh, and you're stressed and exhausted. You've got a garage filled with unsold huge t-shirts. And, honey, if you think this kind of stress is not gonna take its toll on that body and that face, think again. [singsongy] Good-bye, beautiful skin. Farewell, silky hair. [normal voice] And hello, Alex's hand-me-downs, 'cause you can't afford to shop.
Haley: [gasps]
Phil: Good one.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Guess what? Suddenly, you're 60 years old, wandering toothless and alone in a postapocalyptic wasteland.
Haley: Wait a second. How did Dylan get the nuclear codes again?
Phil: During the robot wars.
Claire: Okay, I think your father might have gotten a little bit off-track here.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Could you do one thing for me, though? Could you take me to your prom?
Phil: Really?
Dylan: Yeah. I mean, if you go off to college and you don't come back here, I want you to remember me. I wanna be your Angela Wilkins.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell! Where are you going?!
Mitchell: [voice breaking] I'm just sick of it, Cam.
Cameron: Mitchell. Mitchell, come back here and talk to me. There are coyotes out here and- And meth addicts!
Mitchell: Every time, Cam. Every time someone says that we're getting a-a baby, I get my hopes up and then- And then when it all falls apart, I- We just have to go through the whole thing again. And then meanwhile, the child that we do have is- Is at a recital, and- Aand we're missing it.
Cameron: [voice breaks] I know. I'm as frustrated as you are.
Mitchell: Are you? Because I-I don't- I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am- I am so tired and- And just disappointed. And I'm just tired. [sighs]
Cameron: Then let's take a break.
Mitchell: Really?
Cameron: It must be exhausting, always keeping it together for the both of us. Oh. And I'm tired, too.
Mitchell: I think I'm lying on a rock.
Cameron: I'm lying next to my rock.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Okay, Luke, let's see what else you've been hiding from us.
Luke: Okay, fine. Here's a bill for the birdhouse I blew up at the Dude Ranch.
Claire: You blew up a birdhouse?
Luke: Let's hold all questions until the end. Here's dad's jury duty thing for the day we went to Disneyland. I didn't want you to cancel the trip.
Phil: Good call.
Luke: Here's a coupon for a gun range for mom. I don't know what that's about.
Claire: I don't know either.
Luke: Report card. Report card. Notice from the city to take down the tree house or be fined $25 a day. Report card. Red light ticket from when me and Manny stole that-

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: One, two, three, four. And skip, two, three, four. And turn, two, three, four.
Lily: I don't like this part.
Cameron: Well, honey, if you spot the wall, then you won't get dizzy. Here, watch daddy, okay?
Mitchell: Oh. How cool would it be if you turned into wonder woman right now?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [answering phone] Hello? Uh-huh.
Cameron: "Uh-huh" what?
Mitchell: Yep. Really?
Cameron: "Really" what?
Mitchell: [gasps] That- That mother from Calexico, she picked us.
Cameron: She did?
Mitchell: Uh-huh. She- She went into early labor. She's having the baby today.
Cameron: She is?!
Mitchell: Uh-huh. We have to go to Calexico right now.
Cameron: We do?!
Mitchell: Just assume everything I say is the truth.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [answering phone] Hey, Claire.
Claire: You are driving to some California border town to adopt a baby, and I have to hear about it from Gloria?
Mitchell: [to Cameron] I was outside for two minutes.
Cameron: I kept it in as long as I could. [high-pitched voice] We're having a baby!

Quote from Phil

Claire: We got Alex the cutest prom dress. Show your dad.
Phil: Well, I don't like how far down that zipper goes, but on the plus side, it looks water-resistant.

Quote from Alex

Luke: I can't believe Haley's not going to the prom and Alex is.
Alex: What's that supposed to mean?
Phil: I know I keep saying it, Haley, but you should be going. It's a major moment in a teenager's life, and you're missing it.
Haley: Proms are lame. It's just an excuse for dressed up dorks to ride in limos and hump each other.
Phil: Okay. Now I don't like the idea of Alex going.
Claire: Sweetie, I think we're fine. It's- It's Alex.
Alex: What's that supposed to mean?
Luke: It means you're a geek.
Alex: You know what? You know what? I might just go crazy tonight and... and... and hook up all over him. [all laugh] Why are you laughing? That's not funny. I'm not even gonna wear my glasses!

Quote from Jay

Jay: What just happened here?
Lily: I have to go to the bathroom.
Manny: She's talking to you.
Jay: You wanna take that?

Quote from Haley

Haley: You're never gonna believe it! You're never gonna believe it! You're never gonna believe it! Guess who got a job! I did! Oh, shoot. I just told you.

Quote from Haley

Claire: You got a job! And what is all this?
Haley: I stopped by the grocery store to get some stuff for dinner.
Claire: You know where the grocery store is?
Haley: Yes, mother. I'm celebrating by making dinner for me and Dylan tonight. Would you and dad like to join us?
Claire: [lowered voice] What's happening?
Phil: [whispers] I don't know.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, you look adorable!
Alex: "Adorable"? I'm not a puppy.
Claire: Oh, honey, it was meant as a compliment.
Phil: Claire, I got this. Honey, you look super sexy.
Alex: Ew.
Phil: Well, we tried everything.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Okay, I think you got the picture.
Phil: Well, you guys have fun.
Claire: Do you want me to touch up your hair, honey?
Michael: Oh, no, I'm good.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Ay, please just drive straighter.
Cameron: Oh, sorry. Are my pinkies up again? I- They do that when I get excited. Down, girls!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, I'm just so glad we met after that.
Phil: Oh. Me, too. Wonder what ever happened to Angela?
Dylan: You don't know?
Phil: I haven't seen her in over 20 years, but that's what's special about prom. No matter what, [British accent] The Lady Wilkins and I will always have that night.

Quote from Luke

Claire: What kind of day is this? Cam and Mitch get a new son, we get a new daughter.
Phil: That was really fun, you guys.
Dylan: Yeah, and next time, we'll just do it at our place.
Luke: I'm in. Just give me a heads-up.

Quote from Gloria

Juanita: ¡Hola!
Mitchell: Hi.
Juanita: Mitchell y Cameron?
Gloria: Ah, she says, "Hello, Mitch and Cameron."
Cameron: I think we got that.
Gloria: Ay, you brought me here.

Quote from Cameron

Juanita: El bebé nació hace media hora y se encuentra perfectamente de salud. Siete libras con cuatro onzas. Es hermoso, tiene el pelo grueso y los ojos grandes y cafecitos.
Gloria: Ay, ¡qué bueno! [laughs] Did you get that, too?
Cameron: Yeah, a lot of it.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Gloria, what's going on?
Gloria: I don't know. The priest comes with great warning.
Cameron: That can't be good.
Gloria: Shh! Something about the grandmother. She's sick.
Both: Oh.
Gloria: But now she's better.
Both: Oh.
Gloria: And now she knows!

Quote from Manny

Dance Teacher: Oh, no. It's really important for Lily's self-esteem that she go on. I think one of you should talk to her.
Manny: You know she stinks, right?
Dance Teacher: [to Jay] And I think it should be you.

Quote from Luke

Dylan: Do you think that this is gonna work out?
Luke: Yes. Well, for my parents, I mean. For you? No.
Dylan: God. I just wanna live with Haley so bad. It's like, I missed all this time with her in Wyoming. Then I thought I was gonna lose her again to college.
Luke: Don't worry. I got your back, buddy. That's not gonna happen.
Dylan: What does that mean?
Luke: Dylan, shut the door. [Dylan closes the closet door] The bedroom door.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Excuse me. Excuse me. Okay. We're very confused. Can somebody please just tell us what's happening?
Gloria: Somebody told the grandmother about the baby, and she wasn't supposed to know. [lowered voice] If you ask me, it was the sexy priest.
Ranch Hand: Enough! It wasn't the priest. It was me.
Nurse: Eduardo! Oh! [collapses]
Mitchell: What's happening?
Ranch Hand: Yes, I am alive. And I may be just a ranch hand, but I'm the one that told your abuela about the baby. I told her because I swore to your mother to look after your family. Your mother, was my lover.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Can we please just see our baby?
Abuela: No!
Both: ¿Abuela? - ¿Abuela?
Abuela: ¿Cómo te atreves a ocultar esto de mí? El bebé es mi familia, y no va a ser educado por extraños.
Gloria: She's saying that she's going to raise the baby.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: Honey, listen, the point is, the choices you make today-
Haley: No, no, the point is, is that it doesn't have to turn out so bad.
Dylan: She's right. It doesn't. Luke?
Luke: This came yesterday.
Haley: What is it?
Dylan: It's from that college. You got in, Haley.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: It came yest- Yesterday? Luke, why were you hiding this?
Luke: I don't know.
Haley: Do you not want her to go to college?
Luke: I don't care.
Haley: Aw! You're gonna miss me!
Luke: Shut up! I am not! [to Dylan] I'm never telling you anything again.
Dylan: Sorry, little dude, but she's gotta go to college, even if that means that she can't live with me.
Claire: Oh, Dylan.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] There's certain moments in life that you never forget, like when I held Manny in my arms for the very first time. I was nervous. I didn't know what I was doing. And I was so excited to see him grow up. And the more he becomes the little man I know today, the more I know I would do it all over again. Which is good, because I'm going to do it all over again. Turns out that I wasn't carsick. I'm pregnant.

Quote from Manny

Jay: She's asleep. I tell you, kid, I'm too old for this.
Manny: You and me both.


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