Alex: I'm just saying, she's never gonna get a job. And how do we know the right Middle Eastern businessman wouldn't treat her great?
Claire: I left my shopping list inside. For the record, we thought she could live with you.
Alex: Like I'm gonna tell any of you where I live.

Claire: Come on in. How you doing?
Dylan: Not so good.
Claire: Hmm.
Dylan: I mean, everywhere I look I see her face.
Claire: Hmm.
Dylan: [whimper]
Claire: To be fair, Dylan, that is a family portrait.

Gloria: Manny, let me see that screen. What did I tell you?
Jay: It's not his fault. I asked him to look. I'm starting to think I have a serious problem here.
Gloria: Yes, you do! That computer! You read it there, you think it here, you feel it here. You wanna feel better? There. [closes laptop] You're cured!
Jay: Give me 15 minutes, then tell Florence Nightingale I went to the hospital.

Gloria: That can't be right. You have to check again.
Doctor: The tests are conclusive. Everything will be all right, Mr. Pritchett. Let's go.
Gloria: No, Jay! If that's true, then I'm the worst wife in the whole wide world! I made you suffer for two whole days!
Jay: Honey, it's okay.
Gloria: No, it's not okay! Why? Why do I always almost kill my husbands?
Jay: And I wanna hear this story sometime, but I'm sorta counting down to a rupture here!
Gloria: No! You can't go without forgiving me! What if you die in there? What do I do without you?
Jay: I forgive you! But nobody dies of an appendectomy.
Manny: True. It's usually the anesthesia that gets you. You're over 60, right?
Gloria: I will never forget you, Jay!
Jay: Could you go back to not caring, please?

Claire: Come on, Alex. It's time for your cello lesson. How's the tutoring going?
Alex: Are you familiar with the term "throwing good money after bad"?
Haley: Are you familiar with the term "Dunphy, party of one"? Because you will be.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Well, I don't wanna overstate this but my mom is the greatest woman that ever lived.
Mitchell: Cam loves his mom.
Cameron: She raised four kids, two barns and a whole lotta hell.
Mitchell: That sounds like a country song.
Cameron: And that song would be called "The Greatest Woman That Ever Lived."
Mitchell: Cam loves his mom.

Alex: So, dumb guys go for dumb girls and smart guys go for dumb girls? What do the smart girls get?
Phil: Cats, mostly.

Cameron: Mama should be here by now. I wonder what's keeping her?
Mitchell: Cam, that depends. Did she take her jalopy or one of them new fancy flyin' machines?
Cameron: You know, Missouri's more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.
Mitchell: Not sure you're making the point that you think.

Mitchell: Listen, this is this is not in my head, Claire. And it's actually getting worse.
Claire: What does Cam say?
Mitchell: Well, he never seems to notice. And I certainly can't talk to him about it because God forbid I say anything negative about his mom. One time I added salt to her casserole and he went into the garage and punched the car.

Phil: I'm gonna miss that bad boy. Might have to get my own ax. Sometimes I come in here and noodle on it. Actually, I've been writing a little song of my own. Might be able to pluck out a few-
Dylan: You know, I keep on hoping that this is just a dream that Haley and I didn't really break up. But it's not a dream. Unless the whole thing was a dream and we never even dated in the first place.
Phil: Weird. This is kinda what my song's about.
Dylan: Yeah, weird.
Phil: Hey. I know this is tough, but you're gonna be fine. You know, I was a lot like you in high school. Except my hair was shorter and my guitar was a flute.