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‘Mother Tucker’ Quotes

Modern Family: Mother Tucker

209. Mother Tucker

Aired November 24, 2010

When Haley and Dylan break up, Phil is the hardest hit. Meanwhile, Mitchell is very uncomfortable when Cameron's mother, Barb, visits. Meanwhile, Jay freaks out about his health when he and Manny try to diagnose the problem on the Internet.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Come on, Alex. It's time for your cello lesson. How's the tutoring going?
Alex: Are you familiar with the term "throwing good money after bad"?
Haley: Are you familiar with the term "Dunphy, party of one"? Because you will be.

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Quote from Alex

Alex: I'm just saying, she's never gonna get a job. And how do we know the right Middle Eastern businessman wouldn't treat her great?
Claire: I left my shopping list inside. For the record, we thought she could live with you.
Alex: Like I'm gonna tell any of you where I live.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mama should be here by now. I wonder what's keeping her?
Mitchell: Cam, that depends. Did she take her jalopy or one of them new fancy flyin' machines?
Cameron: You know, Missouri's more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.
Mitchell: Not sure you're making the point that you think.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Well, I don't wanna overstate this but my mom is the greatest woman that ever lived.
Mitchell: Cam loves his mom.
Cameron: She raised four kids, two barns and a whole lotta hell.
Mitchell: That sounds like a country song.
Cameron: And that song would be called "The Greatest Woman That Ever Lived."
Mitchell: Cam loves his mom.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, you wanna go to the mall with me?
Jay: No, actually, my stomach's a little funny today.
Gloria: Oh, I am so sorry, papi. Maybe we'd stop first at the crib store and you lay down and I buy you a little dress, hmm?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Gloria thinks Americans are babies.
Gloria: Well, in Colombia we couldn't go run to the hospital for every little sniffle or dislocated shoulder.

Quote from Phil

Alex: So, dumb guys go for dumb girls and smart guys go for dumb girls? What do the smart girls get?
Phil: Cats, mostly.

Quote from Phil

Claire: So, Haley, how long have I been paying this guy to make out with you?
Haley: Uh, about a week. First it was just to shut him up, but now I'm starting to like him.
Claire: If you really like him though, you have to break up with Dylan.
Phil: What? No!
Claire: Believe me. And it's best for everybody if you just do it quickly.
Phil: I can't believe we're having this conversation. He's like part of the family.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, but be gentle. Boys are surprisingly sensitive at that age.
Claire: Water polo girl story.
Phil: Yes, I'm gonna tell the water polo girl story! 'Cause it hurt! Mmm. Okay, so I'm working in the principal's office. She walks in, hair all silver from the chlorine tells me she wants her varsity jacket back. I tear up a little. Then I tear up a lot. I'm begging, I'm begging. At some point I realize I'm sitting on the button to the high school intercom system. Yuk it up, ladies. Wasn't funny then. Is not funny now. It was traumatic, Haley. Don't do Dylan like Linda "The Cannon" Concannon did me.

Quote from Phil

Haley: It's done. We broke up.
Phil: What?
Haley: I texted Dylan. It's over.
Phil: Bet that's him. Yep. Sad face emoticon! You can feel the hurt through the phone.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Listen, this is this is not in my head, Claire. And it's actually getting worse.
Claire: What does Cam say?
Mitchell: Well, he never seems to notice. And I certainly can't talk to him about it because God forbid I say anything negative about his mom. One time I added salt to her casserole and he went into the garage and punched the car.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: Come on in. How you doing?
Dylan: Not so good.
Claire: Hmm.
Dylan: I mean, everywhere I look I see her face.
Claire: Hmm.
Dylan: [whimper]
Claire: To be fair, Dylan, that is a family portrait.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm gonna miss that bad boy. Might have to get my own ax. Sometimes I come in here and noodle on it. Actually, I've been writing a little song of my own. Might be able to pluck out a few-
Dylan: You know, I keep on hoping that this is just a dream that Haley and I didn't really break up. But it's not a dream. Unless the whole thing was a dream and we never even dated in the first place.
Phil: Weird. This is kinda what my song's about.
Dylan: Yeah, weird.
Phil: Hey. I know this is tough, but you're gonna be fine. You know, I was a lot like you in high school. Except my hair was shorter and my guitar was a flute.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, Barb, you know what? I strained myself so bad today.
Barb Tucker: Oh. - Well, what's hurtin' on you?
Mitchell: It's this area between my lower back and upper thigh.
Barb Tucker: Sounds like your fanny.
Mitchell: It's my fanny. It's really knotted up.
Barb Tucker: Well, you need someone to work on that.
Mitchell: Oh, I would love that. It's really seized up. Just put your fingers all over my my fanny. Your magic fingers. Barb.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, I am not gonna cry, but I wanna know why, Mitchell why you are presenting to my mother like a baboon.
Mitchell: I wanted you to see her fondling me.
Cameron: So you do want me to cry.
Mitchell: No, no, Cam. She's always touching me inappropriately, and you never seem to notice.
Cameron: Show me, Mitchell. Show me on Lily's doll where my mother is touching you.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but she's handsy and it makes me uncomfortable.
Cameron: Oh, my God. I know what this is. You're just not used to having a mother that shows affection.
Mitchell: Do not make this about my mother.
Cameron: I didn't. But it is normal for a mother to be physical and it is not strange for an occasional hug or a little pat on the fanny.
Mitchell: Okay, these aren't pats, Cam. No. She squeezes and lingers!
Cameron: Show me where she squeezes and lingers.
Mitchell: Cam, put the doll down. I don't know if this is just sexual or Crazytown but your mother cannot keep her hands off of me and it's creeping me out. No. Oh B-Barb. I'm sorry.
Cameron: Let me show you where you stabbed my mama.

Quote from Jay

Manny: I gotta tell you, this is looking more and more like diverticulitis.
Jay: Do they say how to treat it, like a heating pad or- Oh, there it is again!
Manny: Describe the pain.
Jay: It's like I'm being stabbed. But also like I ate a bad scallop that's stabbing me from the inside.
Manny: That's colorful, but there's no box for that.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, let me see that screen. What did I tell you?
Jay: It's not his fault. I asked him to look. I'm starting to think I have a serious problem here.
Gloria: Yes, you do! That computer! You read it there, you think it here, you feel it here. You wanna feel better? There. [closes laptop] You're cured!
Jay: Give me 15 minutes, then tell Florence Nightingale I went to the hospital.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: That can't be right. You have to check again.
Doctor: The tests are conclusive. Everything will be all right, Mr. Pritchett. Let's go.
Gloria: No, Jay! If that's true, then I'm the worst wife in the whole wide world! I made you suffer for two whole days!
Jay: Honey, it's okay.
Gloria: No, it's not okay! Why? Why do I always almost kill my husbands?
Jay: And I wanna hear this story sometime, but I'm sorta counting down to a rupture here!
Gloria: No! You can't go without forgiving me! What if you die in there? What do I do without you?
Jay: I forgive you! But nobody dies of an appendectomy.
Manny: True. It's usually the anesthesia that gets you. You're over 60, right?
Gloria: I will never forget you, Jay!
Jay: Could you go back to not caring, please?


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