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36Quotes from ‘Mistery Date’

Modern Family: Mistery Date

408. Mistery Date

Aired November 14, 2012

With the family out of town, Phil invites a fellow "bullfrog" he met at the gym over for a guys' night. Claire doesn't realize she's being a pushy parent when she supports Alex at an academic challenge. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny gate crash a trilogy of bar mitzvahs, and Cameron tries to keep Jay and Gloria distracted.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Soothing, right? You see, as the music relaxes the baby, you relax.
Gloria: No, you're making the baby jump on my bladder. How can it relax listening to a song about a hooker?
Cameron: She's not a hooker, she's a private dancer. A dancer for money. She'll do what you want her to- Oh, my gosh, I taught Lily this song.

Quote from Luke

Manny: How can she not be here, either? This is hopeless.
Luke: Have a little faith. Did the Jews give up when the Egyptians chased them to the banks of the red sea?
Manny: How do you know all this stuff?
Luke: Was I the only one listening to Uncle Menachem's toast?

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: I am sorry, but he's supposed to pick up the crib at the store, and I am too tired. The baby kicked me all night. It's either going to be a football player or a chorus girl.
Cameron: You can be both. My senior year, I was a right-side linebacker and a left-side cancan dancer in "Gigi."
Mitchell: Wow. She really set you up for that one, didn't she?
Cameron: Yeah, when it came out of her mouth, I nearly stopped breathing.

Quote from Phil

Dave: Wait, what are the last four numbers again?
Phil: 1984. It's kind of a lucky number for me. It's the year "Footloose" came out.

Quote from Cameron

Dave: [on the phone] It's me. Yeah, you were totally right about this gym. I just met the cutest guy.
Cameron: What did I tell you? That place is like a gay bar with dumbbells. [laughs] Redundant.

Quote from Luke

Manny: She's not here. We have the wrong bar mitzvah.
Luke: Not if you like prime rib, bubbie. You said to blend. I picked up some expressions at the latke station. P.S. they're hash browns.
Manny: We're not blending. She's at one of the other two. Come on. [bumping into a lady] Sorry.
Luke: Such a hurry, this one.

Quote from Phil

Dave: Wait a minute. Is that your family? Are you married?
Phil: Yeah, but don't worry. We have the house to ourselves. They're all out of town. I am long overdue for a boys' night.
Dave: Oh, so your wife is okay with-
Phil: Oh yeah. She suggested it. She knows I need this every so often. Long as I clean up afterwards, she's fine.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Dad, you're obviously going through something. Look, you do not have to go through this alone. I'm here to talk if you want.
Jay: That's really nice of you, Mitchell, but do you wanna do it here? 'Cause I saw a little princess table with a tea set on it. You and I could have a real gab fest.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Argh! I'm such a blockhead.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Are you freaking kidding me?! Macedonia and Thrace? What even is that?! You're hardly even listening! How could we lose this?! I said "we."
Alex: Yeah. You do that sometimes.
Claire: I'm so sorry. I am one of those moms. I like it too much when you win. I really love lording it over the other moms.
Alex: Well, in our house, I'm kind of your only source for that.
Claire: You're telling me. Haley e-mails me pictures of her nails. And Luke asked me if he's part owl.
Alex: He does get his head pretty far around.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And we have lift-off. [answering phone] Yello, house of the future.
Claire: Phil, you have two whole days to yourself. Please tell me you're not gonna spend them trying to wire the house to your iPad.
Phil: Nope, 'cause I've already done it. I think when you get home, you're gonna be very surprised to see that this house has an actual functioning brain in it.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [on the phone] Now go out and see some friends.
Phil: I'm headed out now. I have a third showing at that colonial. Cam gave me a free pass to his gym. I am- Not too bright. I am- Ddim!
Claire: Honey, if you could hear yourself.

Quote from Claire

Claire: We are here for the academic challenge. It's under "Dunphy." Or it could be under "returning champion." Not sure how they file these things.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Alex wins things, which is great. But she puts so much pressure on herself. I- I almost wish she would lose this year. Plus, that way, I could go on the waterslide. It's got a corkscrew, and a radar gun at the bottom. [whispers] I'm Phil.

Quote from Cameron

Dave: [on the phone] I mean, I'm not even sure if it's a date date.
Cameron: You met him at hook-up central. Of course it's a date date.
Dave: Am I even ready for a date date?
Cameron: Tough love time, David, Simon left you six months ago, and you're bumming everyone out. It's time to get back up on that horse.
Phil: Hope to see you tonight, Dave. [mimics bulldog]
Cameron: I can't remember the last time a man made that sound for me.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: That's too cute.
Jay: What the hell is that?
Mitchell: That's the store mascot. That's Hugga Bunny. He goes around and he hugs-
Jay: No, I get it. Nice for flu season. He ought to be called conjunctivitis bunny.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: So, dad, the cribs are over there, but while we're here, a little advice, you can never have too many onesies. All right? Any event, day or night. Throw one on, little pair of booties, boom-ready to go out. Dress it up, you could dress it down. You could- Dad? Dad?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Something was clearly going on with my dad, but I wasn't about to get sucked in. It's happened before. "Dad, you seem sad. Do you wanna talk?" "Talk?! What are we, girlfriends?" To use a sports reference, put the football away, Lucy. I ain't kickin'.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Dad, I picked you up a diaper bag. Fun fact this insulated pouch will keep a bottle of prosecco cold for an entire Wiggles concert.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Doctor? Sweater vest? My dad acting all shifty? He was seeing a shrink. "Dad, I can see that you're going through something." "And I can see your bra strap, Oprah. Mind your own business." Tee up the football all you want, Lucy. Still ain't kickin'.

Quote from Claire

Alex: I'm sorry. I didn't ask her to do this.
Claire: I'm trying to help you.
Alex: You were not. You were trying to help you. You're just mad because now you can't parade me around like some show pony.
Claire: That is not true.
Alex: Don't deny it. You bought the 2-day cushion.
Claire: [to the panel] Who are you to judge?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Dave: He's married. To a woman. Yeah, she's out of town. I don't know. They must have some sort of arrangement or something.
Cameron: So what? If they know about it, who cares? You're not ready for a relationship anyway. Just have some fun.
Dave: It feels weird. He has other people coming over. I think I'm gonna bail on this.
Cameron: He's just feeling you out like you're feeling him out. I promise you, these other guests will mysteriously cancel. [call waiting] Hold on just a second, sweetie. [beep] Hello?
Phil: Hey, you guys still coming?
Cameron: I forgot to call you. We have to cancel.
Phil: No problem. Bye. [hangs up] More margaritas for us. The other guys just cancelled.

Quote from Mitchell

Clerk: Here you go. For a small fee, we can come to your house and assemble it for you.
Mitchell: Yeah, my dad's more of a do-it-yourself-er, plus he's not one for strangers in his personal space.
Clerk: All right. Well, can I help you carry it to your car?
Mitchell: Yeah, he's not gonna go for that, either. The guy won't even use the wheels on his suitcase. Likes everyone to think he's this big, tough guy who... [sees Jay hugging the bunny mascot] Okay.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Can't we just get this into the car?
Mitchell: Why? So you're not late for your shrink session?
Jay: What?
Mitchell: Yeah. I picked up on that. Bunny hugger! Saw that, too. Mobile spinner.

Quote from Manny

Manny: My name is Manny Delgado, and I've been searching for you since you smiled at me in the lobby today, maybe even my whole life. It's too late for us to have the magical night I was hoping for, but it's not too late for us to have a memento of what might have been. I'll be waiting. [enters the photo booth]

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Look, dad, I- I had to give up my home office for Lily's bedroom, and I was upset about it, too. Wasn't hugging bunnies, but-
Jay: All right.
Mitchell: I- I realized that it wasn't about an office or a room. It was about how Lily was gonna change everything. But once we got her in there, I don't know. I-I just- I never looked back.
Jay: Yeah, I guess I'm just nervous about everything, you know. Thanks, kid. You know, I'm just recalling me grumbling about giving up my MG Roadster when you and Claire came along. Great car. No backseat.
Mitchell: Isn't it funny? The stupid things that we think-
Jay: She was my baby.
Mitchell: -are so important.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I guess all told, we had about 50 chickens. Maybe 115 head of hogs. Let's see, 55 cattle. You know what'll be fun? Let's see if I can remember all their names. There was [singing] Albert, Lisa, Steph, and Mike- Gloria! No, Gloria! Gloria!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You're right. I am too much. I do control. I do barge. I'll have my friend Abelard come back and paint over it.
Gloria: So this is why you kept me outside all day? So that your friend Aburar could come and paint a present?
Cameron: Yeah, rather than getting you a gift off your registry like a normal person. I'm so stupid.
Gloria: I love it!
Cameron: You do?
Gloria: It's just like you, full of color, and life and love.
Cameron: I really did think you'd love it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's going on up here? What the-
Mitchell: Okay, that was not my idea. I told Cam- I told him that's a lot to put on someone's wall.
Jay: Hold on. I like it.
Cameron: Really?
Jay: Thanks, Cam.
Mitchell: You actually-
Jay: Makes it easier to give up the room.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [Dave moves towards Phil] Wow, that's close. [Dave moves back] Guy was an inch out of bounds.
Dave: Oh. [Dave moves towards Phil]
Phil: Time-out. [Dave moves back] You know what? I'm not gonna be able to relax until I get this out of the way. [Phil leans over, Dave puts gets ready for a kiss] Dishwasher. Pretty cool, huh?

Quote from Phil

Phil: What's happening?
Dave: Nothing. My car keys.
Phil: Shoot. The TV went off. Must have screwed something up. You know what? It doesn't matter. There's another one upstairs. How about we head up to the bedroom for some halftime festivities?
Dave: Okay.
Phil: Let's do this. [barks]

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'd forgotten how much fun this can be. We should make this a regular thing.
Dave: Phil, Phil, wait. I think I'd better just head home.
Phil: What?
Dave: I'm just coming out of a long-term relationship, and I guess I'm still pretty fragile. It's not that I haven't had a- a great time.
Phil: Not at all. I get it. I've spent a few nights in heartbreak hotel. If there's anything I can do...
Dave: You've already done more than you know.
[Dave kisses Phil]
Phil: Huh. Oh.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Phil Dunphy, this is the year 2025. Welcome. You're the first one here.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Shall we hit the waterslide first?
Manny: I may just sit in the room for a bit.
Luke: Ugh. Stop moping! So you didn't get a date to one stupid dance.
Manny: It's not one stupid dance. It's the kickoff to the whole dance season.
Luke: It's like you've never heard boys talk.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Nothing from the minibar, and no pay-per-view.
Luke: Can we at least-
Claire: No, you may not send things out for pressing.

Quote from Luke

Manny: No girl's ever smiled at me like that. Luke, we have to go to that bar mitzvah.
Luke: Why?
Manny: There was a connection. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like my whole life has led to this moment.
Luke: You made a very similar speech to get my mom to stop for those churros.
Manny: Luke, I need you for this. You're sneakier than I am. You're a bigger liar. You have no moral compass.
Luke: Look, thanks for all the compliments, but breaking into one stupid party? That's not even a challenge.
Manny: Oh, no. Three bar mitzvahs?
Luke: Now it's interesting.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We have the most amazing gift for Jay and Gloria's nursery.
Mitchell: It was Cam's idea, and it's a pretty big swing.
Cameron: It's not a swing. It's not a swing.
Cameron: I just need Jay and Gloria out of the house for a minimum of four hours so I can have my crew install it.
Mitchell: Simple.
Cameron: Please. If it were up to you, we'd get them something off their gift registry.
Mitchell: You mean the list of things that they specifically said that they wanted?
Cameron: Oh, they don't know what they want.

Quote from Alex

Claire: You can get a 1-day cushion for $8, or a 2-day for $12. Alex Dunphy. Last year, I got 2 Who wrote the 95 theses? My daughter went on to win the whole thing, and all I could think was "I just flushed $4 down the toilet."
Alex: John Calvin.
Claire: Whoo! Alex! I guess I just didn't want to presume that we would be here for the two days. But still, what kind of message was I sending with the 1-dayer?
Alex: You "whoo'd" me?
Claire: What are you doing here?
Alex: I'm out. I got the question wrong, which is embarrassing enough without you "whoo-ing" me!

Quote from Alex

Claire: She clearly misheard the question. The acoustics in here are terrible. Especially for a little girl just getting over an ear infection.
Alex: Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Claire: I was explaining your-
Alex: Oh, I heard, because my ears are fine.


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