Gloria: I am sorry, but he's supposed to pick up the crib at the store, and I am too tired. The baby kicked me all night. It's either going to be a football player or a chorus girl.
Cameron: You can be both. My senior year, I was a right-side linebacker and a left-side cancan dancer in "Gigi."
Mitchell: Wow. She really set you up for that one, didn't she?
Cameron: Yeah, when it came out of her mouth, I nearly stopped breathing.

Dave: Wait, what are the last four numbers again?
Phil: 1984. It's kind of a lucky number for me. It's the year "Footloose" came out.

Dave: [on the phone] It's me. Yeah, you were totally right about this gym. I just met the cutest guy.
Cameron: What did I tell you? That place is like a gay bar with dumbbells. [laughs] Redundant.

Manny: She's not here. We have the wrong bar mitzvah.
Luke: Not if you like prime rib, bubbie. You said to blend. I picked up some expressions at the latke station. P.S. they're hash browns.
Manny: We're not blending. She's at one of the other two. Come on. [bumping into a lady] Sorry.
Luke: Such a hurry, this one.

Cameron: Soothing, right? You see, as the music relaxes the baby, you relax.
Gloria: No, you're making the baby jump on my bladder. How can it relax listening to a song about a hooker?
Cameron: She's not a hooker, she's a private dancer. A dancer for money. She'll do what you want her to- Oh, my gosh, I taught Lily this song.

Manny: How can she not be here, either? This is hopeless.
Luke: Have a little faith. Did the Jews give up when the Egyptians chased them to the banks of the red sea?
Manny: How do you know all this stuff?
Luke: Was I the only one listening to Uncle Menachem's toast?

Mitchell: That's too cute.
Jay: What the hell is that?
Mitchell: That's the store mascot. That's Hugga Bunny. He goes around and he hugs-
Jay: No, I get it. Nice for flu season. He ought to be called conjunctivitis bunny.

Phil: And we have lift-off. [answering phone] Yello, house of the future.
Claire: Phil, you have two whole days to yourself. Please tell me you're not gonna spend them trying to wire the house to your iPad.
Phil: Nope, 'cause I've already done it. I think when you get home, you're gonna be very surprised to see that this house has an actual functioning brain in it.

Claire: [on the phone] Now go out and see some friends.
Phil: I'm headed out now. I have a third showing at that colonial. Cam gave me a free pass to his gym. I am- Not too bright. I am- Ddim!
Claire: Honey, if you could hear yourself.

Claire: We are here for the academic challenge. It's under "Dunphy." Or it could be under "returning champion." Not sure how they file these things.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Alex wins things, which is great. But she puts so much pressure on herself. I- I almost wish she would lose this year. Plus, that way, I could go on the waterslide. It's got a corkscrew, and a radar gun at the bottom. [whispers] I'm Phil.