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‘Mistery Date’ Quotes

Modern Family: Mistery Date

408. Mistery Date

Aired November 14, 2012

With the family out of town, Phil invites a fellow "bullfrog" he met at the gym over for a guys' night. Claire doesn't realize she's being a pushy parent when she supports Alex at an academic challenge. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny gate crash a trilogy of bar mitzvahs, and Cameron tries to keep Jay and Gloria distracted.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: I am sorry, but he's supposed to pick up the crib at the store, and I am too tired. The baby kicked me all night. It's either going to be a football player or a chorus girl.
Cameron: You can be both. My senior year, I was a right-side linebacker and a left-side cancan dancer in "Gigi."
Mitchell: Wow. She really set you up for that one, didn't she?
Cameron: Yeah, when it came out of her mouth, I nearly stopped breathing.

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Quote from Phil

Dave: Wait, what are the last four numbers again?
Phil: 1984. It's kind of a lucky number for me. It's the year "Footloose" came out.

Quote from Cameron

Dave: [on the phone] It's me. Yeah, you were totally right about this gym. I just met the cutest guy.
Cameron: What did I tell you? That place is like a gay bar with dumbbells. [laughs] Redundant.

Quote from Luke

Manny: She's not here. We have the wrong bar mitzvah.
Luke: Not if you like prime rib, bubbie. You said to blend. I picked up some expressions at the latke station. P.S. they're hash browns.
Manny: We're not blending. She's at one of the other two. Come on. [bumping into a lady] Sorry.
Luke: Such a hurry, this one.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Soothing, right? You see, as the music relaxes the baby, you relax.
Gloria: No, you're making the baby jump on my bladder. How can it relax listening to a song about a hooker?
Cameron: She's not a hooker, she's a private dancer. A dancer for money. She'll do what you want her to- Oh, my gosh, I taught Lily this song.

Quote from Luke

Manny: How can she not be here, either? This is hopeless.
Luke: Have a little faith. Did the Jews give up when the Egyptians chased them to the banks of the red sea?
Manny: How do you know all this stuff?
Luke: Was I the only one listening to Uncle Menachem's toast?

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: That's too cute.
Jay: What the hell is that?
Mitchell: That's the store mascot. That's Hugga Bunny. He goes around and he hugs-
Jay: No, I get it. Nice for flu season. He ought to be called conjunctivitis bunny.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And we have lift-off. [answering phone] Yello, house of the future.
Claire: Phil, you have two whole days to yourself. Please tell me you're not gonna spend them trying to wire the house to your iPad.
Phil: Nope, 'cause I've already done it. I think when you get home, you're gonna be very surprised to see that this house has an actual functioning brain in it.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [on the phone] Now go out and see some friends.
Phil: I'm headed out now. I have a third showing at that colonial. Cam gave me a free pass to his gym. I am- Not too bright. I am- Ddim!
Claire: Honey, if you could hear yourself.

Quote from Claire

Claire: We are here for the academic challenge. It's under "Dunphy." Or it could be under "returning champion." Not sure how they file these things.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Alex wins things, which is great. But she puts so much pressure on herself. I- I almost wish she would lose this year. Plus, that way, I could go on the waterslide. It's got a corkscrew, and a radar gun at the bottom. [whispers] I'm Phil.

Quote from Cameron

Dave: [on the phone] I mean, I'm not even sure if it's a date date.
Cameron: You met him at hook-up central. Of course it's a date date.
Dave: Am I even ready for a date date?
Cameron: Tough love time, David, Simon left you six months ago, and you're bumming everyone out. It's time to get back up on that horse.
Phil: Hope to see you tonight, Dave. [mimics bulldog]
Cameron: I can't remember the last time a man made that sound for me.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: So, dad, the cribs are over there, but while we're here, a little advice, you can never have too many onesies. All right? Any event, day or night. Throw one on, little pair of booties, boom-ready to go out. Dress it up, you could dress it down. You could- Dad? Dad?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Something was clearly going on with my dad, but I wasn't about to get sucked in. It's happened before. "Dad, you seem sad. Do you wanna talk?" "Talk?! What are we, girlfriends?" To use a sports reference, put the football away, Lucy. I ain't kickin'.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Dad, I picked you up a diaper bag. Fun fact this insulated pouch will keep a bottle of prosecco cold for an entire Wiggles concert.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Doctor? Sweater vest? My dad acting all shifty? He was seeing a shrink. "Dad, I can see that you're going through something." "And I can see your bra strap, Oprah. Mind your own business." Tee up the football all you want, Lucy. Still ain't kickin'.

Quote from Phil

Dave: Wait a minute. Is that your family? Are you married?
Phil: Yeah, but don't worry. We have the house to ourselves. They're all out of town. I am long overdue for a boys' night.
Dave: Oh, so your wife is okay with-
Phil: Oh yeah. She suggested it. She knows I need this every so often. Long as I clean up afterwards, she's fine.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Dad, you're obviously going through something. Look, you do not have to go through this alone. I'm here to talk if you want.
Jay: That's really nice of you, Mitchell, but do you wanna do it here? 'Cause I saw a little princess table with a tea set on it. You and I could have a real gab fest.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Argh! I'm such a blockhead.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Are you freaking kidding me?! Macedonia and Thrace? What even is that?! You're hardly even listening! How could we lose this?! I said "we."
Alex: Yeah. You do that sometimes.
Claire: I'm so sorry. I am one of those moms. I like it too much when you win. I really love lording it over the other moms.
Alex: Well, in our house, I'm kind of your only source for that.
Claire: You're telling me. Haley e-mails me pictures of her nails. And Luke asked me if he's part owl.
Alex: He does get his head pretty far around.


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