Cameron Tucker's Tales from the Farm

Cameron Tucker's Tales from the Farm

Cameron Tucker's tales of growing up on a farm in Missouri.

Quote from Cameron in Heavy is the Head

Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.


Quote from Cameron in Diamond in the Rough

Claire: So what do you think? Can we turn this into a baseball field?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn into a snowflake-shaped maze. It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen it from his crop duster and said it looked like a swastika.

Quote from Cameron in Torn Between Two Lovers

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Quote from Cameron in Planes, Train and Cars

Mitchell: No, the lengths that we're going to for a stuffed animal. You know, Cam, maybe it's time Lily learned about loss.
Cameron: No, she's 3, and I know. Do you know how many times I had to say good-bye to a furry friend on the farm?
Mitchell: And didn't it make you stronger?
Cameron: Yeah, because I was a growing boy and they were chock-full of protein. But it was still heartbreaking.

Quote from Cameron in Finale Part 2

Cameron: Okay, well, now our only option is the 9:00 p.m. Fortunately, it's a direct flight into Kansas City and then just a short hop on HamTrak, so...
Alex: Did you just say "Ham"...

Quote from Cameron in Basketball

Cameron: You know, I'm glad we're doing this again.
Alex: Yeah, I think we just put too much pressure on it the first time.
Cameron: You know, humans aren't the only ones who respond badly to pressure. Did I ever tell you about the day without eggs? It was at the start of the Omelet Days Festival. Up with the sun, I grab my basket, into the hen-house I go. Thirty-four hens, nary an egg. I know, I know. My grandpa said it was the worst case of avian anxiety he'd seen since Pearl Harbor. That's when they had to take the radio out of the coop.

Quote from Cameron in The More You Ignore Me

Cameron: [aside to camera] It was a boon year for tomatoes on the farm, or what we're calling Tomatogeddon. So they made an extra-large batch of Tucker's famous, and we're selling it at the Farmers' Market.
Mitchell: Now, when you say "famous"?
Cameron: It's known Missouri-wide. A death-row inmate requested it for his last meal.

Quote from Cameron in Hit and Run

Cameron: We never needed fake I.D.s on the farm. We figured if a 16-year-old could drive a tractor, he could drink a beer. Not at the same time, of course. It's Missouri, not Texas.

Quote from Cameron in Heavy is the Head

Mitchell: Or you could just get your head checked so we don't lose you over some stupid fear.
Cameron: Do you know what I went through in that well on October 14, 1987, while the whole world was focused on that media whore Jessica?
Mitchell: She was a baby, but yeah.
Cameron: It was hell. And I would not have survived if those firemen wouldn't have figured out a way to lower my little Aunt Edna into that well and touch my feet and tell me it was gonna be okay and that I wasn't alone.

Quote from Cameron in Baby on Board

Gloria: Ay, please stop driving the car like a snake. It's making me nauseating.
Mitchell: Well, uh, if you want to switch places, there's plenty of room to stretch out back here.
Cameron: Yeah, that's why we traded our old prius in for the new one. You know, bigger family, bigger backseat. You can fit two car seats and a prize-winning pig back there.
Mitchell: Please don't put a pig in the backseat with our children.
Cameron: I'm not being literal. It's a unit of measurement we used on the farm. You know, like, "That bed's a double-pigger."

Quote from Cameron in Earthquake

Cameron: What are you doing?
Mitchell: Well, you promised Pepper broken dishes, so I'm breaking dishes.
Cameron: No, not my frog. I know you think it's tacky but I happen to have won this at my first 4-H summer camp in a hollerin' contest.

Quote from Cameron in Other People's Children

Cameron: Do you feel what's happening here?
Mitchell: I feel pinching.
Cameron: No. I'm the weak link of this super group. They know it and I know it. It's fine when we're all in a big group, but once we're separated from the herd, the hooves come out.
Mitchell: Don't you mean "claws"?
Cameron: Clawed animals don't travel in herds, Mitchell. Packs, flocks, and prides. Why can't we be on a farm? I'd make you all look like such idiots.

Quote from Cameron in ClosetCon '13

Cameron: No, that alarm means there's a tornado coming right now.
Mitchell: Oh, God. Well, where's Lily? I hope she's not still out in the field.
Cameron: [shouting] Lil-y-y-y-y!
Mitchell: You can't just call her like a pig!
Cameron: Lil-y-y-y-y-y!
Mitchell: Okay, this is just a farm thing, not, like, a mall thing.
Cameron: What's that, city voice?

Quote from Cameron in The Last Walt

Mitchell: Oh, I missed a call from my dad.
Cameron: Oh, let me guess. Is he calling to cancel? What's his excuse this time?
Mitchell: You know, that's a really mean thing to assume, Cam. I really wish you'd give my dad a break for once.
Cameron: Oh, please. You know Jay doesn't like my dad. He thinks he's some bumpkin from the sticks. Well, I will have you know that Merle Stonewall Tucker is one of the most respected farmers in all of Hell's Hollow, Missouri.
Mitchell: Okay, you're not hearing yourself.

Quote from Cameron in Me? Jealous?

Jay: Biscuits and gravy?
Cameron: Yep, my grandma Bitsy's secret recipe, given to her by her housekeeper Delilah, who raised her and was her best friend. Kind of like "The Help," except Delilah was white, and was actually herself quite the racist.

Quote from Cameron in After the Fire

Jay: Leave me alone. I'm fine. I've gotta pick up that truck. [groans]
Cameron: I'd be happy to get the truck.
Jay: I don't think so. It's a pretty big truck.
Cameron: Oh. Is it- Is it bigger than the combine I've been driving since I was 12 years old? Or the Windrow tractor with the MacDon header that I drove to and parallel parked at my high school prom? Hmm?
Mitchell: At least something got plowed that night.
Cameron: Heard that!

Quote from Cameron in When Good Kids Go Bad

Cameron: Oh, he is so cute!
Laura: Yeah, and he never cries. Literally never. It's actually a little weird.
Cameron: Oh, no, that's not weird. My sister was born with a full set of teeth.
Mitchell: Yeah, that never happened.
Cameron: Oh. No? Really? You should've seen her crib. It looked like beavers lived there.

Quote from Cameron in Someone to Watch Over Lily

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So Cam and I have been revising our will to specify who should take care of Lily if, God forbid, something happened to us.
Cameron: God forbid.
Mitchell: I said God for- So we've been dropping by unannounced to, you know, casually assess our candidates.
Cameron: Not all of our candidates.
Mitchell: No, that's true. We did not drop by Missourah.
Cameron: It's Missouri. No one from Missouri would say "Missourah."
Mitchell: I'm so sorrah.

Quote from Cameron in Blasts from the Past

Cameron: If anything, I'm worried she acts a little young for her age. I mean, isn't a little too old for these unicorns and teddy bears and...Playgirl?
Mitchell: Oh! Oh, God. Where... Where did she get that?
Cameron: I didn't even know they still made these. Although it's heartening print media isn't completely dead.
Mitchell: Okay, you're getting off track. Our daughter is looking at [whispering] naked men.
Cameron: I know. We're gonna have to talk to her about it. You know, my parents never talked to me about anything sexual. They just sent me to the stables when the horses were breeding, and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations.

Quote from Cameron in Tableau Vivant

Mitchell: No, you have no idea what it feels like to be fired.
Cameron: Yes, I do. I've been fired. Everyone has.
Mitchell: Not me.
Cameron: Never?
Mitchell: No. Nope, I've always been very good at what I do.
Cameron: So then maybe what you're feeling is a little insecure about your work for the first time.
Mitchell: That's hogwash.
Cameron: As someone who's seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.

Quote from Cameron in Putting Down Roots

Mitchell: I guess w-when I look at things from your point of view, I... I made a promise. When your dad needs you to take over the farm, I'm in.
Cameron: Mitchell, that means so much to me, and you're gonna love it. The fresh air, and there's no traffic. Oh, and with a second lawyer in town, we could reopen the courthouse. H-Have you ever milked a goat? Have you ever had fresh milk right from the spigot? Oh, unbelievable. You do have to be careful of snakes and mice and rats. There's a ton of field mice. They scare me. One ran up my sleeve one time when I was a kid.

Quote from Cameron in Truth Be Told

Cameron: [aside to camera] We both believe that animals should play a big part in Lily's life. Having grown up on a farm, I was surrounded by them. They were more like brothers and sisters than just, you know, livestock.
Mitchell: Delicious brothers and sisters.
Cameron: Life on a farm. They know what they're getting into.
Mitchell: Eesh.

Quote from Cameron in ClosetCon '13

Barb: Want to ring the dinner bell, "little bomber"?
Mitchell: Oh, that's actually really quaint. Is it one of those little triangle thi-
Cameron: [shouting] S-o-o-o-ooey! Hoo! [pigs squeal]
Barb: Loudest call in the tri-county area.

Quote from Cameron in Farm Strong

Mitchell: Instead of hiding all this stuff, why don't you just tell Pam we're getting married?
Cameron: I will, when she's ready. Carefully and preferably in a large, open field.
Mitchell: She's your sister, not The Hulk.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: My big sister, Pam, is emotionally fragile and she's still single, so when she finds out I'm getting married before she is. Whoo! Look out. She can be meaner than a barn owl at sunset.
Mitchell: Because that's when they wake up?
Cameron: Yep. That's morning time for a barn owl.

Quote from Cameron in A Stereotypical Day

Cameron: We just want to know why you called Tom a weirdo back at the house.
Lily: I don't know.
Mitchell: Okay, well, we don't make fun of people who are different, okay?
Cameron: You know how hard it was for Daddy and me? Growing up in Missouri, I was so mistreated that one of my best friends was an old scarecrow I found in the creek.
Mitchell: Some of your stories would be more impactful with fewer details.

Quote from Cameron in A Tale of Three Cities

Mitchell: What do you even say to someone in a coma?
Cameron: Well, Mama's reading her poetry. Lily's reciting scripture. Pam and I are gonna sing a song we wrote when we were younger, "Sweet Home Ala-gramma."
Mitchell: Okay, yeah, t-teach me that.
Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Is she your Ala-gramma?

Quote from Cameron in All Things Being Equal

Mitchell: Oh, honey, you look exhausted.
Pam: [sighs] The baby didn't sleep again last night. I'll tell you, I haven't been this out of sorts since that twister lifted up our house.
Cameron: Told ya.
Pam: That wind was so strong it shucked all our corn.

Quote from Cameron in Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Mitchell: The security camera. We can... We can find out exactly what happened.
Cameron: Oh, yeah. I... forgot about that. Mitchell, Mitchell, wait, wait. You're not used to the harsh realities of farm life. All these animals, they seem so sweet, but it's a bloodbath at the first sign of weakness, like dinner with our friends when one person gets up from the table.

Quote from Cameron in Finale Part 2

Alex: So, just because I'm curious...
Cameron: Yeah, it's a livestock train, but people ride it, too. But don't worry, we're in first class with the show hogs.