Previous Episode Next Episode 

34Quotes from ‘Finding Fizbo’

Modern Family: Finding Fizbo

815. Finding Fizbo

Aired March 1, 2017

Cameron is horrified when he sees evidence that his Fizbo costume is being used to torment people. Phil is disappointed when his soon-to-be step-brother takes over Frank's bachelor party. Meanwhile, Manny gets Gloria, Claire, Haley and Alex to act out a play he's written.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Who are you texting?
Alex: Ahh! No one. I'm just reading my horoscope.
Haley: Liar. Why would anyone read their horoscope so late in the day? Everything's already happened.

Quote from Alex

Alex: 110 pages? What time are we supposed to get out of here?
Claire: Oh, honey, you got a hot date tonight?
Haley: Mom, don't be mean. Ignore her.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I actually am in a relationship, but I've been hiding it from everybody because I have once again chosen somebody that is completely inappropriate. It's this older guy Ben. He works for my mother, and he lives with his mother. I'm like a moth to a flame if the flame is an underachieving man-child with a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his butt.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Anyway, when it's over, feel free to share your thoughts what you liked, what you loved, but also the negatives what went over your head, any words you didn't know.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm submitting my latest play to a young playwrights festival, but I want to hear it out loud first to be sure I've hit all my emotional marks. One might ask, "Why all female characters?" Let's just say, write what you know. [clicks tongue] Wait. To clarify, I understand women. I don't feel like I am one.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Louise, what are you doing here? You're not dropping out of the league championship tonight, are you?
Mitchell: Louise is dropping out of the league championship? Did you shoot yourself in the leg again? Oh, my God, we're one win away from my first sports trophy, and then this happens.
Louise: All I said was "Hey, Cam."
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: So, this year, I invited Mitchell to join my gay bowling team the Britney Spares. I came up with the team name, I designed the shirts. It's not important who gets the credit.
Mitchell: When we first stated, my bowling was, um... well, it was iffy. But then I practiced and I practiced until the shoe-rental guy called me "decent."

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] My dad is marrying my old babysitter Lorraine, who has a son, which means that I am finally getting a brother! When I was young, I wanted a brother so much, my folks got me bunk beds. At night, I'd pretend he was up there and talk to him, and when he didn't answer back, I always just figured, "Well, Marty's in a mood again."

Quote from Cameron

Martin: Hello, Cameron. Hello, Mitchell. Where's the rest of Britney Queers?
Cameron: It's the Britney Spares, Martin.
Mitchell: The Britney Queers were eliminated weeks ago.
Martin: Yes, by us. Eventually, all will fall to The Gay City Bowlers.
Mitchell: I forget. Do all the names have to be puns?
Martin: Yes. It's like hair salons.
Cameron: Unpleasant as always, Martin. I'll see you in the alley.
Martin: I'm sure you say that to a lot of men.

Quote from Alex

Haley: There's a dude, isn't there?
Alex: What? No.
Haley: Sneaking off with your phone, the clean hair, your one bra that fits properly spill.
Alex: [scoffs] Okay, fine. There is a dude.
Haley: Oh, God, it's not another high-school boy, is it?
Alex: No. He's legal. He's just embarrassing in a different way.
Haley: You know you've been like this your whole life ashamed of the romantic, sexual part of you. Honestly, it seems like you think you don't deserve it, but you do. And if this guy is fun and good to you and doesn't ride a scooter, let it be okay.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Oh, is that it for the planned activities?
Phil: No, we're just getting started. For the next hour, it's a $5 buy-in game of Uno, then downstairs to Captain Scupper's, the best oysters in the desert. And finally, put on your neckties, gentlemen, 'cause I have four balcony seats to Mr. Neil...
Jay: Please say "Diamond."
Phil: Sedaka.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: [voice breaking] Who would do that? Who would take something so beautiful and turn it into something so ugly?
Lily: How did the guy get the costume?
Mitchell: Oh, who knows?
Cameron: [normal voice] Your father gave it to charity.
Mitchell: By accident.
Lily: How did I not hear that fight? Was I in town?

Quote from Jay

Phil: Chicken wraps, white wine, fudge.
Jay: Is this a bachelor party or a party where ladies sit around watching "The Bachelor"? And why did you get me a triple-XL?
Phil: The lady said it'd shrink in the wash.
Jay: How's it gonna do in the trash?
Phil: Jay.
Jay: Kidding. I'll use it to wash my car.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Excuse me. Do you serve crabs here?
Phil: We serve anyone.
Frank: Jokes only get old because they're good, right?
Phil: Nailed it.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Before we start, thanks for agreeing to do this read through of my latest play, "A Withering Farewell Under a Harvest Moon"
Gloria: So catch-
Manny: Colon, "The Tears of Angels."
Gloria: So catchy!

Quote from Claire

Manny: Right? It's a story of four women who come together to mourn the loss of the family patriarch.
Gloria: Oh, no. So sad, so very sad.
Claire: Pace yourself, crazy. We haven't even started.
Gloria: A man died, Claire.
Claire: A fake man, and if he was a patriarch, he was a fake old man, and old men die. Surely, this is a thought that has occurred to you from time to time, huh?
Haley: Please don't make me part of this.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [on the phone] Sorry, this is going to take longer than I expected. Can you wait there?
Ben: Sure. My mom's got her poker girls over, anyway. This one lady, Karen, she gets real handsy with me. [chuckles] She's not un-hot, either. She's like an older, curvy Emily Blunt but Indian.
Alex: Don't try to make me jealous, Ben. One of my regulars at the coffee shop is always asking if I want to do some motorboating. If I didn't get seasick, I'd go.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell! Fizbo!
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: Over there!
Mitchell: Cam. Cam, do you think it's possible with how upset you are about Fizbo that that maybe you're seeing things?
Cameron: Oh. No. Maybe it's another guy with purple hair and a size 23 shoe. Maybe Dennis Rodman bowls here!

Quote from Manny

Manny: And we begin. "Lights up on the living room of James Pickett. The furnishings and art tell us he was a wealthy man, but his money couldn't buy taste. Enter four women in black returning from a funeral. First, James' widow Chloe Dubois-Pickett"
Gloria: That's me!
Manny: "a beautiful French commoner who married up."
Gloria: Ooh, la la.
Manny: "Next is Bailey, the granddaughter cute as a button and just as smart."
Haley: I like her.
Manny: "Following her is James' sister, Professor Alma Diller, 60s. There's no problem she can't solve except her own loneliness. Finally, James' daughter Kate attractive, intense, sharp-tongued, fleeting moments of warmth."

Quote from Alex

Claire: "Fleeting moments of warmth"? [scoffs] I get it. This is the story of the four of us through some sort of distorted Manny lens.
Alex: Yeah, just because I'm smart, I end up a spinster? You know what I could be doing right now if I didn't get seasick?

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Okay, calm down. These characters are a compilation of many other women I've known, not you people.
Gloria: Okay, let's start.
Manny: "Kate enters and crosses straight to the credenza. As she pours herself a much-needed glass of wine"
Claire: [drinking wine] Mm. Right. "To be honest, I can't believe the old grump didn't die years ago." Nice. My first line is something horrible about my dead dad. How cold do you think I am?
Manny: Didn't I just say it's not you?
Gloria: [chuckles] Isn't it, though?
Claire: What?
Gloria: "Old people die, get over it"? That was, like, 20 minutes ago.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: And then I sent you the cutest video of a puppy nursing on a mama lion, and what do you text back? "She's getting him fat so that he tastes better at lunch"?
Claire: Yeah, so what? My crime is I'm hilarious?

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Can we get back to this, please? Kate just said she couldn't believe her father didn't die sooner, then "The Widow Dubois slumps in a chair, emotional."
Gloria: [bad French accent] "Ohh, ma charie, your papa would be devastated to hear you say such insensitive things."
Claire: Really? Are you gonna do the whole accent thing?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hey, you know what, there are six people just in my eyesight that would do anything to break my winning streak. For instance, Martin. He's never forgiven me for making him feel like your father was in love with him.
Mitchell: Okay, it couldn't have been Martin. We saw him, like, three seconds before you thought that you saw Fiz-
Cameron: Actually saw.
Mitchell: Okay. And what's this about my dad?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Where were you 20 minutes ago, and can anybody account for your whereabouts?
Senor Kaplan: Not that it's any of your business, but I happened to be in the photo booth taking some solos. I'm gonna use number three for my new passport.
Cameron: I would use number two. There's a twinkle in your eye. But I have a different theory as to where you were 20 minutes ago, and it would have given you exactly enough time to change out of a clown costume into your bowling outf- [screams]
Mitchell: What's wrong?
Cameron: Wha- No. No, no. I just saw I just saw Fi- Fizbo in in in the mirror.
Senor Kaplan: I don't know what's going on with you, Tucker, but in my culture, we like to call it loco en la cabeza.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? Knock it off. You're Canadian.

Quote from Haley

Alex: "You all seem to forget I'm not alone. I have Albert. You can search the world, and I defy you to find a more devoted, loving... parrot."
Haley: "I used to like talking to Albert, but then we got into a fight over a cracker."

Quote from Haley

Haley: Really, Manny? My character gets into a fight with a parrot over a cracker? [hushed] I told you that story in confidence.

Quote from Alex

Alex: And for the record I am nothing like my character. I'm not lonely at all. I have tons of options. I'm actually going to see one right now. And thanks to Haley, I'm no longer ashamed of talking about him.
Gloria: Ooh!
Claire: Who is it?
Alex: No one.
Claire: What's his name?
Alex: Nothing.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Don't listen to her, Manny. The ending was beautiful. It's just that some women have a hard time expressing their feelings.
Claire: Oh, this again? Gloria, I'm a very feeling person.
Gloria: Oh, really? From the woman that writes in my birthday cards "Best, Claire."
Claire: How is that not warm? I am wishing you quite literally the best.
Gloria: I am a person in your family. I am not the woman that does your eyebrows.
Claire: Why would I send her a birthday card?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You two seem awfully chummy.
Martin: Well, if by "chummy," you mean, "in the throes of an electric sexual relationship," then, yes, you bet your bowling balls we're chummy.
Cameron: [groans] Oh, my gosh. I just put it all together. You're both Fizbo. When I'm with one of you, the other's wearing the costume, creating the perfect alibi. Light-bulb moment!
Martin: Uh, this clown thing again. Look, Tucker, if I wanted to get back at you for, oh, I don't know, say something like setting me up with your straight father-in-law, I certainly wouldn't do it by stealing your stupid Bozo suit.
Cameron: It's Fizbo.
Senor Kaplan: Way to take the high road, sweetie.

Quote from Cameron

Martin: First, I'd hack your e-mails, then I'd create several fake social-media accounts, which I would use to mount the multi-pronged smear campaign to drive a wedge between you and everything you love.
Senor Kaplan: Wow. [chuckles] That's maybe a bit of a red flag.
Martin: And then I'd get several credit cards in your name and then embark on a massive identity-theft scheme that would leave you bankrupt and, with any luck at all, facing criminal charges. That's what I'd do.
Senor Kaplan: Okay. She's a bit of a handful, huh? You know, I was thinking, maybe we should take a beat on meeting your parents this weekend. What do you say? All right.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Wait. His mask. [sniffs] It smells like beer and cheese fires.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, that's good investigative work. Yes. You've narrowed it down to everyone in the bowling alley.

Quote from Frank

Phil: Now, if it's not too much trouble, maybe we could get back on schedule. We don't want to miss Sedaka's opening act Extremely Little Richard.
Frank: Good golly, is he small!
Ray: Change of plans I traded those tickets for seats to "Sexcalibur."
Phil: You what?
Ray: It's a dirty "Medieval Times."
Phil: Are you kidding me?
Frank: It's okay, Phil. I waited 79 years to see Neil Sedaka. I can wait another 79.

Quote from Phil

Phil: No, Dad. You're being too nice. This is your bachelor party, not yours! You're ruining this whole night.
Ray: You ruined it when you planned it. And get that finger out of my face.
Phil: Nobody hijacks my dad's party, and nobody tells me where to put my finger. Boop!

Quote from Frank

Phil: So much is changing, Dad. I guess I'm kind of afraid that this is the end of an era. Now I have to share you with Lorraine, with that.
Frank: You're not losing me. As a matter of fact, you're gonna be seeing a lot more of me. Lorraine and I have been kind of kicking around the idea of moving to California.
Phil: To be closer to me?
Frank: Yes. And to be farther from Ray.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Wait w-wait wait a minute. You go missing, then you mysteriously hurt your hand, and t- Okay, okay there is lipstick in this mask, and it is it is the same shade as the lipstick on your beer. [gasps] You're Fizbo?
Cameron: You wear lipstick?
Mitchell: But you're on our team.
Cameron: Why would you do this?
Louise: Because you bug me.
Cameron: That's it?
Louise: You picked the team name, you designed the shirts, you take all the credit. Everything's about you.
Mitchell: You messed with his head so he'd lose us the team championship. Yeah, opening the door for for you to be captain.
Louise: I should be captain.
Cameron: Give me my Fizbo.

Quote from Mitchell

Martin: Hello, fruit of your father's loins.
Mitchell: "Mitchell's" fine.
Martin: You know, speaking of Jay-
Mitchell: You brought him up.
Martin: Well, your father and I had a moment, a couple of years ago when he was pretending to be gay so that he could bowl in our league. I know he said it was all an act, but what I felt from him, it was just so very real.
Mitchell: Okay, Martin, I hate to break this to you, but my dad is potentially the straightest man on the planet.
Martin: Yeah, but that not withstanding, do you think maybe you could give me his phone number? It's just always felt like unfinished business to me. I am not giving you his phone number.
Martin: I'll give you my trophy.
Mitchell: It's 3-1-0...


 Episode 814 Episode 816