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‘Finding Fizbo’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: Finding Fizbo

815. Finding Fizbo

Aired March 1, 2017

Cameron is horrified when he sees evidence that his Fizbo costume is being used to torment people. Phil is disappointed when his soon-to-be step-brother takes over Frank's bachelor party. Meanwhile, Manny gets Gloria, Claire, Haley and Alex to act out a play he's written.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Who are you texting?
Alex: Ahh! No one. I'm just reading my horoscope.
Haley: Liar. Why would anyone read their horoscope so late in the day? Everything's already happened.

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Quote from Alex

Alex: 110 pages? What time are we supposed to get out of here?
Claire: Oh, honey, you got a hot date tonight?
Haley: Mom, don't be mean. Ignore her.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I actually am in a relationship, but I've been hiding it from everybody because I have once again chosen somebody that is completely inappropriate. It's this older guy Ben. He works for my mother, and he lives with his mother. I'm like a moth to a flame if the flame is an underachieving man-child with a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his butt.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Anyway, when it's over, feel free to share your thoughts what you liked, what you loved, but also the negatives what went over your head, any words you didn't know.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm submitting my latest play to a young playwrights festival, but I want to hear it out loud first to be sure I've hit all my emotional marks. One might ask, "Why all female characters?" Let's just say, write what you know. [clicks tongue] Wait. To clarify, I understand women. I don't feel like I am one.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Louise, what are you doing here? You're not dropping out of the league championship tonight, are you?
Mitchell: Louise is dropping out of the league championship? Did you shoot yourself in the leg again? Oh, my God, we're one win away from my first sports trophy, and then this happens.
Louise: All I said was "Hey, Cam."
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: So, this year, I invited Mitchell to join my gay bowling team the Britney Spares. I came up with the team name, I designed the shirts. It's not important who gets the credit.
Mitchell: When we first stated, my bowling was, um... well, it was iffy. But then I practiced and I practiced until the shoe-rental guy called me "decent."

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] My dad is marrying my old babysitter Lorraine, who has a son, which means that I am finally getting a brother! When I was young, I wanted a brother so much, my folks got me bunk beds. At night, I'd pretend he was up there and talk to him, and when he didn't answer back, I always just figured, "Well, Marty's in a mood again."

Quote from Cameron

Martin: Hello, Cameron. Hello, Mitchell. Where's the rest of Britney Queers?
Cameron: It's the Britney Spares, Martin.
Mitchell: The Britney Queers were eliminated weeks ago.
Martin: Yes, by us. Eventually, all will fall to The Gay City Bowlers.
Mitchell: I forget. Do all the names have to be puns?
Martin: Yes. It's like hair salons.
Cameron: Unpleasant as always, Martin. I'll see you in the alley.
Martin: I'm sure you say that to a lot of men.

Quote from Alex

Haley: There's a dude, isn't there?
Alex: What? No.
Haley: Sneaking off with your phone, the clean hair, your one bra that fits properly spill.
Alex: [scoffs] Okay, fine. There is a dude.
Haley: Oh, God, it's not another high-school boy, is it?
Alex: No. He's legal. He's just embarrassing in a different way.
Haley: You know you've been like this your whole life ashamed of the romantic, sexual part of you. Honestly, it seems like you think you don't deserve it, but you do. And if this guy is fun and good to you and doesn't ride a scooter, let it be okay.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Oh, is that it for the planned activities?
Phil: No, we're just getting started. For the next hour, it's a $5 buy-in game of Uno, then downstairs to Captain Scupper's, the best oysters in the desert. And finally, put on your neckties, gentlemen, 'cause I have four balcony seats to Mr. Neil...
Jay: Please say "Diamond."
Phil: Sedaka.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: [voice breaking] Who would do that? Who would take something so beautiful and turn it into something so ugly?
Lily: How did the guy get the costume?
Mitchell: Oh, who knows?
Cameron: [normal voice] Your father gave it to charity.
Mitchell: By accident.
Lily: How did I not hear that fight? Was I in town?

Quote from Jay

Phil: Chicken wraps, white wine, fudge.
Jay: Is this a bachelor party or a party where ladies sit around watching "The Bachelor"? And why did you get me a triple-XL?
Phil: The lady said it'd shrink in the wash.
Jay: How's it gonna do in the trash?
Phil: Jay.
Jay: Kidding. I'll use it to wash my car.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Excuse me. Do you serve crabs here?
Phil: We serve anyone.
Frank: Jokes only get old because they're good, right?
Phil: Nailed it.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Before we start, thanks for agreeing to do this read through of my latest play, "A Withering Farewell Under a Harvest Moon"
Gloria: So catch-
Manny: Colon, "The Tears of Angels."
Gloria: So catchy!

Quote from Claire

Manny: Right? It's a story of four women who come together to mourn the loss of the family patriarch.
Gloria: Oh, no. So sad, so very sad.
Claire: Pace yourself, crazy. We haven't even started.
Gloria: A man died, Claire.
Claire: A fake man, and if he was a patriarch, he was a fake old man, and old men die. Surely, this is a thought that has occurred to you from time to time, huh?
Haley: Please don't make me part of this.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [on the phone] Sorry, this is going to take longer than I expected. Can you wait there?
Ben: Sure. My mom's got her poker girls over, anyway. This one lady, Karen, she gets real handsy with me. [chuckles] She's not un-hot, either. She's like an older, curvy Emily Blunt but Indian.
Alex: Don't try to make me jealous, Ben. One of my regulars at the coffee shop is always asking if I want to do some motorboating. If I didn't get seasick, I'd go.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell! Fizbo!
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: Over there!
Mitchell: Cam. Cam, do you think it's possible with how upset you are about Fizbo that that maybe you're seeing things?
Cameron: Oh. No. Maybe it's another guy with purple hair and a size 23 shoe. Maybe Dennis Rodman bowls here!

Quote from Manny

Manny: And we begin. "Lights up on the living room of James Pickett. The furnishings and art tell us he was a wealthy man, but his money couldn't buy taste. Enter four women in black returning from a funeral. First, James' widow Chloe Dubois-Pickett"
Gloria: That's me!
Manny: "a beautiful French commoner who married up."
Gloria: Ooh, la la.
Manny: "Next is Bailey, the granddaughter cute as a button and just as smart."
Haley: I like her.
Manny: "Following her is James' sister, Professor Alma Diller, 60s. There's no problem she can't solve except her own loneliness. Finally, James' daughter Kate attractive, intense, sharp-tongued, fleeting moments of warmth."

Quote from Alex

Claire: "Fleeting moments of warmth"? [scoffs] I get it. This is the story of the four of us through some sort of distorted Manny lens.
Alex: Yeah, just because I'm smart, I end up a spinster? You know what I could be doing right now if I didn't get seasick?

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Okay, calm down. These characters are a compilation of many other women I've known, not you people.
Gloria: Okay, let's start.
Manny: "Kate enters and crosses straight to the credenza. As she pours herself a much-needed glass of wine"
Claire: [drinking wine] Mm. Right. "To be honest, I can't believe the old grump didn't die years ago." Nice. My first line is something horrible about my dead dad. How cold do you think I am?
Manny: Didn't I just say it's not you?
Gloria: [chuckles] Isn't it, though?
Claire: What?
Gloria: "Old people die, get over it"? That was, like, 20 minutes ago.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: And then I sent you the cutest video of a puppy nursing on a mama lion, and what do you text back? "She's getting him fat so that he tastes better at lunch"?
Claire: Yeah, so what? My crime is I'm hilarious?

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Can we get back to this, please? Kate just said she couldn't believe her father didn't die sooner, then "The Widow Dubois slumps in a chair, emotional."
Gloria: [bad French accent] "Ohh, ma charie, your papa would be devastated to hear you say such insensitive things."
Claire: Really? Are you gonna do the whole accent thing?

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