Haley: Who are you texting?
Alex: Ahh! No one. I'm just reading my horoscope.
Haley: Liar. Why would anyone read their horoscope so late in the day? Everything's already happened.

Alex: 110 pages? What time are we supposed to get out of here?
Claire: Oh, honey, you got a hot date tonight?
Haley: Mom, don't be mean. Ignore her.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I actually am in a relationship, but I've been hiding it from everybody because I have once again chosen somebody that is completely inappropriate. It's this older guy Ben. He works for my mother, and he lives with his mother. I'm like a moth to a flame if the flame is an underachieving man-child with a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his butt.

Manny: Anyway, when it's over, feel free to share your thoughts what you liked, what you loved, but also the negatives what went over your head, any words you didn't know.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm submitting my latest play to a young playwrights festival, but I want to hear it out loud first to be sure I've hit all my emotional marks. One might ask, "Why all female characters?" Let's just say, write what you know. [clicks tongue] Wait. To clarify, I understand women. I don't feel like I am one.

Cameron: Louise, what are you doing here? You're not dropping out of the league championship tonight, are you?
Mitchell: Louise is dropping out of the league championship? Did you shoot yourself in the leg again? Oh, my God, we're one win away from my first sports trophy, and then this happens.
Louise: All I said was "Hey, Cam."
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: So, this year, I invited Mitchell to join my gay bowling team the Britney Spares. I came up with the team name, I designed the shirts. It's not important who gets the credit.
Mitchell: When we first stated, my bowling was, um... well, it was iffy. But then I practiced and I practiced until the shoe-rental guy called me "decent."

Phil: [aside to camera] My dad is marrying my old babysitter Lorraine, who has a son, which means that I am finally getting a brother! When I was young, I wanted a brother so much, my folks got me bunk beds. At night, I'd pretend he was up there and talk to him, and when he didn't answer back, I always just figured, "Well, Marty's in a mood again."

Martin: Hello, Cameron. Hello, Mitchell. Where's the rest of Britney Queers?
Cameron: It's the Britney Spares, Martin.
Mitchell: The Britney Queers were eliminated weeks ago.
Martin: Yes, by us. Eventually, all will fall to The Gay City Bowlers.
Mitchell: I forget. Do all the names have to be puns?
Martin: Yes. It's like hair salons.
Cameron: Unpleasant as always, Martin. I'll see you in the alley.
Martin: I'm sure you say that to a lot of men.

Haley: There's a dude, isn't there?
Alex: What? No.
Haley: Sneaking off with your phone, the clean hair, your one bra that fits properly spill.
Alex: [scoffs] Okay, fine. There is a dude.
Haley: Oh, God, it's not another high-school boy, is it?
Alex: No. He's legal. He's just embarrassing in a different way.
Haley: You know you've been like this your whole life ashamed of the romantic, sexual part of you. Honestly, it seems like you think you don't deserve it, but you do. And if this guy is fun and good to you and doesn't ride a scooter, let it be okay.

Jay: Oh, is that it for the planned activities?
Phil: No, we're just getting started. For the next hour, it's a $5 buy-in game of Uno, then downstairs to Captain Scupper's, the best oysters in the desert. And finally, put on your neckties, gentlemen, 'cause I have four balcony seats to Mr. Neil...
Jay: Please say "Diamond."
Phil: Sedaka.

Cameron: [voice breaking] Who would do that? Who would take something so beautiful and turn it into something so ugly?
Lily: How did the guy get the costume?
Mitchell: Oh, who knows?
Cameron: [normal voice] Your father gave it to charity.
Mitchell: By accident.
Lily: How did I not hear that fight? Was I in town?

Phil: Chicken wraps, white wine, fudge.
Jay: Is this a bachelor party or a party where ladies sit around watching "The Bachelor"? And why did you get me a triple-XL?
Phil: The lady said it'd shrink in the wash.
Jay: How's it gonna do in the trash?
Phil: Jay.
Jay: Kidding. I'll use it to wash my car.