Alex: Hey, can you drop me off at the library?
Haley: Sorry. I'm meeting some friends at that coffee shop on Lake.
Alex: You mean the one next to the library?
Haley: That's a library? I thought it was a church for a religion that didn't allow makeup.

Alex: This sucks. My teacher gave me mononucleosis.
Claire: As a parent, I feel I should ask about this.
Haley: Slow down. It's not like she gets that many tugs on the line.
Alex: It's for A.P. Bio. We have to write a report about a disease, and I got the worst one. This is a joke.
Phil: Actually, it's pretty serious. Back in college, I caught mono from my roommate, Ling. Served us right for fooling around. Never share a flute, kids.

Luke: When is the washing machine gonna get fixed? I'm wearing a swimsuit underneath my pants.
Claire: Everybody's gonna have clean clothes soon. The repair guy's supposed to come today between 10:00 and 2:00. Oh! Honey, can you be here for that?
Phil: Can I sit around in an empty house and wait for someone? Baby, I'm a realtor. I have a license for that.

Gloria: Does Joe look a little pale to you?
Manny: This whole country looks pale to me.

Jay: [phone rings] Ooh. I've been wanting to do this. Quick, what's the ring around an angel's head?
Manny: What?
Jay: [answering the phone] Halo!
Phil: You did the angel one! Ordinarily, I'd be delighted, but this isn't gonna be one of our fun chats.
Jay: You mean like that time you called me when you saw that blimp?
Phil: It was so low, they waved back.

Alex: Guess who we ran into at the library.
Phil: How would I know? I was here the whole time.
Alex: Sanjay Patel. He's got Crohn's disease.
Phil: No!
Alex: I know. So lucky. He's totally going to win that science scholarship.
Haley: He should use it to find a cure for baldness, 'cause that kid is 16 with a comb-over.
Alex: That's it! I'm just gonna pick a new topic. I want a disease that everyone in the school is going to talk about.

Mitchell: It's playing itself.
Jay: Well, I didn't know.
Mitchell: You honestly thought that I just became a piano virtuoso, dad? You've known me my whole life. Have you ever seen me take a lesson?
Jay: I thought maybe you were self-taught.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. Like when I taught myself to play the clarinet.
Jay: Exactly.
Mitchell: I never played the clarinet.
Jay: Can we drop it? Let's go get an ice cream.
Mitchell: What about my lactose intolerance?
Jay: Oh, I'm not loving this game.

Phil: [aside to camera] June 10, 1988. Carla Concannon and I spent the afternoon frolicking at the public pool. Later, at her house, things got private while a 45 of carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better" played. It was my first time, her first time... with me. I always thought it'd be fun to own that 45. When the record store finally called that morning, I ran right down so I wouldn't miss the repairman. I had to have it. It was the chance to relive those magical 3 minutes and 42 seconds, which was also the length of the song. But then it dawned on me. I was cheating on my wife with the red-hot memory of another woman. I could not let Claire find out. I had to destroy the evidence. Luckily, I'm cool under pressure. What?! No! When did he? Come on! There were a couple of snags, but I think I covered my tracks pretty well.

Claire: I'm so sorry it took so long to get you these clothes. I left them in the back of my car and completely forgot about them.
Lily: Sounds familiar.
Cameron: I was in the pharmacy for three minutes. You had a cracked window and a juice box. Let's retire that story.

Gloria: I think he needs a little color for tonight's photograph. What do you think is the minimum age for a spray tanning?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Now that Joe is here and that his head is finally normal-shaped, I decided to take a new family portrait.