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‘Sleeper’ Quotes

Modern Family: Sleeper

521. Sleeper

Aired April 30, 2014

Phil struggles to hide the truth after he failed to stay home and wait for a repairman. Claire accuses Cameron of being too snobby to use her girls' hand-me-downs. Meanwhile, Gloria obsesses about a family portrait she is having taken, and Jay enters Stella into a dog show.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Hey, can you drop me off at the library?
Haley: Sorry. I'm meeting some friends at that coffee shop on Lake.
Alex: You mean the one next to the library?
Haley: That's a library? I thought it was a church for a religion that didn't allow makeup.

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Quote from Phil

Alex: This sucks. My teacher gave me mononucleosis.
Claire: As a parent, I feel I should ask about this.
Haley: Slow down. It's not like she gets that many tugs on the line.
Alex: It's for A.P. Bio. We have to write a report about a disease, and I got the worst one. This is a joke.
Phil: Actually, it's pretty serious. Back in college, I caught mono from my roommate, Ling. Served us right for fooling around. Never share a flute, kids.

Quote from Phil

Luke: When is the washing machine gonna get fixed? I'm wearing a swimsuit underneath my pants.
Claire: Everybody's gonna have clean clothes soon. The repair guy's supposed to come today between 10:00 and 2:00. Oh! Honey, can you be here for that?
Phil: Can I sit around in an empty house and wait for someone? Baby, I'm a realtor. I have a license for that.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Does Joe look a little pale to you?
Manny: This whole country looks pale to me.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: It's playing itself.
Jay: Well, I didn't know.
Mitchell: You honestly thought that I just became a piano virtuoso, dad? You've known me my whole life. Have you ever seen me take a lesson?
Jay: I thought maybe you were self-taught.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. Like when I taught myself to play the clarinet.
Jay: Exactly.
Mitchell: I never played the clarinet.
Jay: Can we drop it? Let's go get an ice cream.
Mitchell: What about my lactose intolerance?
Jay: Oh, I'm not loving this game.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] June 10, 1988. Carla Concannon and I spent the afternoon frolicking at the public pool. Later, at her house, things got private while a 45 of carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better" played. It was my first time, her first time... with me. I always thought it'd be fun to own that 45. When the record store finally called that morning, I ran right down so I wouldn't miss the repairman. I had to have it. It was the chance to relive those magical 3 minutes and 42 seconds, which was also the length of the song. But then it dawned on me. I was cheating on my wife with the red-hot memory of another woman. I could not let Claire find out. I had to destroy the evidence. Luckily, I'm cool under pressure. What?! No! When did he? Come on! There were a couple of snags, but I think I covered my tracks pretty well.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: I'm so sorry it took so long to get you these clothes. I left them in the back of my car and completely forgot about them.
Lily: Sounds familiar.
Cameron: I was in the pharmacy for three minutes. You had a cracked window and a juice box. Let's retire that story.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I think he needs a little color for tonight's photograph. What do you think is the minimum age for a spray tanning?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Now that Joe is here and that his head is finally normal-shaped, I decided to take a new family portrait.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [phone rings] Ooh. I've been wanting to do this. Quick, what's the ring around an angel's head?
Manny: What?
Jay: [answering the phone] Halo!
Phil: You did the angel one! Ordinarily, I'd be delighted, but this isn't gonna be one of our fun chats.
Jay: You mean like that time you called me when you saw that blimp?
Phil: It was so low, they waved back.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I didn't know what he was talking about, but I needed him to keep his trap shut. You see, lately, I may have been dabbling in something that strong, virile men like me aren't suppose to be dabbling in. And it wouldn't exactly fit my image if people found out I was considering entering a certain adorable dog in a dog show. Gloria thought I was out getting my tires rotated. Actually, I was buying Stella a decorative show collar, you know, just in case. I figure if she looks beautiful, she'll feel beautiful.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Guess who we ran into at the library.
Phil: How would I know? I was here the whole time.
Alex: Sanjay Patel. He's got Crohn's disease.
Phil: No!
Alex: I know. So lucky. He's totally going to win that science scholarship.
Haley: He should use it to find a cure for baldness, 'cause that kid is 16 with a comb-over.
Alex: That's it! I'm just gonna pick a new topic. I want a disease that everyone in the school is going to talk about.

Quote from Phil

Phil: He didn't show up.
Claire: What?! That is so annoying!
Phil: I know. Put away your groceries. I'll call him and reschedule.
Claire: No, no, no, no, no. You are too nice. I am calling. I am not resting till I get to the bottom of this.
Phil: It's no big deal. It's not the first time I've been stood up by some guy.
Claire: Oh, listen to your words, Phil.
Phil: ... Yep. Yep.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Dad, is there anything bothering you that might be causing - I don't know -- major psychological stress?
Phil: No. I've been acting normally, haven't I?
Alex: Did something happen earlier today?
Phil: Uh, nothing at all.
Alex: Because you seem a little tense.
Phil: What? No, I don't! Stop badgering me! I love your mom! Let's listen to some music. Boy, the way you cook things up sometimes, it's a little- [Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better" plays; Phil falls asleep]
Alex: Dad!

Quote from Phil

Alex: You fell asleep! It's like the fifth time today. I think it has something to do with that guy not showing up to fix the washing machine.
Phil: Well, that's not exactly what happened.
Alex: You snuck out to buy "Nobody Does It Better" from Flipside Records, and he showed up?
Phil: That's more exactly what happened. How do you know all this?
Alex: I've been watching you all day. I think the guilt from that has been causing you to fall asleep.
Phil: So you know about Carla?
Alex: I do now. [Phil falls asleep again] Dad!
Phil: What is happening?!

Quote from Gloria

Luke: What fell out of Lily's pocket? Is that a diamond ring?
Manny: Huh. That'll go great with your shirt.
Cameron: It looks real.
Gloria: It is real. A small occlusion, but very good color. This is Claire's.
Phil: No. Claire's got her's on.
Claire: Yeah.
Gloria: Ay, Phil, please, you cannot tell the difference between this beautiful, but a small, diamond and that chunk of glass that should have made her finger fall off weeks ago. I feel like I am getting you in trouble. Picture time!

Quote from Jay

Jay: In fact, you inspired me recently.
Mitchell: Oh, how so?
Jay: Well... Fine. I've been going through this thing lately. It all started when I noticed a group of guys in the corner in the park. And, uh, honestly, when I first found out what they were doing, I thought it was kind of weird, but I found I kept thinking about it. And I thought I'd give it a whirl.
Mitchell: Ok- Okay. Go on.
Jay: I think you know where I'm going with this, but one of the older guys showed me the ropes. Next thing I know, I'm hanging out at that park in that corner every day and loving it.
Mitchell: Uh-huh.
Jay: But I must have also got some shame about it because it feels good when I'm doing it, but... Is that me now? A guy with a show dog.
Mitchell: There it is! Okay, see, I-I knew what it wasn't. I just wasn't sure what it was.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: You should go.
Jay: I don't want to sneak out, and I don't want people to know about it.
Mitchell: Dad. A wise man once told me, "I don't get it, but if that's who you are, don't you dare be ashamed of it."
Jay: I did handle that kind of well.
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah, well...
Jay: And it wasn't easy. I just never pictured my kid a lawyer.


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