Jay: It's a movie. New York, '70s, Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and he-
Manny: Who's pushed to the limit until one day he decides to fight back.
Jay: You've seen it?
Manny: It's called "Death Wish." I doubt it ends with him trading banter in an apartment with Marsha Mason.

Haley: Thanks for winning my computer back.
Luke: And getting me all my money. That was awesome.
Alex: Yeah, if only I had stopped there, but I had to go back down. I got greedy, and I was careless.
Haley: There's a story about that I remember from school. Icarus flew too close to his son. I think their wings bumped. One of them fell. They might have been ducks. Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to pay attention.

Phil: [on the phone] I'm mad for you Diane. Roger's dating already? OMG, I wonder if she's younger than him. You hold on a second? [switching lines] Lorraine, how's my favorite client?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I've been on something of a hot streak at work. I've tapped into a rich vein of new clients recently divorced moms. You might say I hit the single-mother lode.

Haley: Look, I need more sleep than you, and ever since they cut down that stupid prune tree, the sun has been right in my eyes every morning.
Alex: It's not a prune tree. They pruned the tree. And I'm not switching places with you, so you should just put your head at the other end of the bed.
Haley: Uh, why? So my feet get the pillow? And I'm the dumb one.

Gloria: [aside to camera] There is a mark of the devil in my family. My great-great grandfather was given the location of an emerald mine in exchange for his soul.
Jay: There's, like, paperwork or something that proves this?
Gloria: And they say that the day of his daughter's wedding, a great bird came from the sky and snatched him with his claws and took him far, far away.
Jay: You're aware that a remarkable number of your stories end with a family member being carried off by a giant bird.
Gloria: I only know what I was told, Jay.
Jay: I'm just saying after the third time, we might think about moving the party inside.

Gloria: Okay, maybe it's not the curse, but you know that my family has a very dark side. My cousin Aurelio is a horse thief. My Uncle Carlos fixed soccer games. My aunt-
Jay: Did he teach them to pick the ball up and throw it down the field? 'Cause that's the only way you fix soccer.

Jay: Nothing against "Sound of Music," but there's a lot of other things we could do this afternoon. You ever hear of "Death Wish"?
Gloria: Oh, I love "Death Wish." Manny, that's the charity where the sick kids go to, like, a concert with Madonna or to the super bowl with Justin Bieber, or they...

Cameron: So, while you're out, I'm gonna review our flower options, and I have to say, so far, I'm partial to Floral and Hardy, but I'm gonna give one last look at Florist Gump.
Mitchell: You love a business with a clever name.
Cameron: I do. Guilty.

Manny: Why do you always got to be like this judgmental, hot-tempered, loud? These are a few of my least-favorite things.

Lily: I thought cats had nine lives.
Cameron: Yeah, and they do, but Larry's wife was older than he was, and she'd been married eight times before.
Lily: Like Elizabeth Taylor?
Cameron: Oh, you remember our bedtime stories.