Previous Episode Next Episode 

42Quotes from ‘Larry's Wife’

Modern Family: Larry's Wife

503. Larry's Wife

Aired October 2, 2013

Phil has tapped into a new real estate segment - recently divorced women - but he annoys Claire as he makes himself available to them 24/7. Meanwhile, Gloria thinks baby Joe might have the mark of the devil, and Cameron gets carried away as he plans a pet funeral for Larry the cat's made-up wife.

Quote from Manny

Jay: It's a movie. New York, '70s, Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and he-
Manny: Who's pushed to the limit until one day he decides to fight back.
Jay: You've seen it?
Manny: It's called "Death Wish." I doubt it ends with him trading banter in an apartment with Marsha Mason.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Thanks for winning my computer back.
Luke: And getting me all my money. That was awesome.
Alex: Yeah, if only I had stopped there, but I had to go back down. I got greedy, and I was careless.
Haley: There's a story about that I remember from school. Icarus flew too close to his son. I think their wings bumped. One of them fell. They might have been ducks. Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to pay attention.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] I'm mad for you Diane. Roger's dating already? OMG, I wonder if she's younger than him. You hold on a second? [switching lines] Lorraine, how's my favorite client?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I've been on something of a hot streak at work. I've tapped into a rich vein of new clients recently divorced moms. You might say I hit the single-mother lode.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Look, I need more sleep than you, and ever since they cut down that stupid prune tree, the sun has been right in my eyes every morning.
Alex: It's not a prune tree. They pruned the tree. And I'm not switching places with you, so you should just put your head at the other end of the bed.
Haley: Uh, why? So my feet get the pillow? And I'm the dumb one.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] There is a mark of the devil in my family. My great-great grandfather was given the location of an emerald mine in exchange for his soul.
Jay: There's, like, paperwork or something that proves this?
Gloria: And they say that the day of his daughter's wedding, a great bird came from the sky and snatched him with his claws and took him far, far away.
Jay: You're aware that a remarkable number of your stories end with a family member being carried off by a giant bird.
Gloria: I only know what I was told, Jay.
Jay: I'm just saying after the third time, we might think about moving the party inside.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Okay, maybe it's not the curse, but you know that my family has a very dark side. My cousin Aurelio is a horse thief. My Uncle Carlos fixed soccer games. My aunt-
Jay: Did he teach them to pick the ball up and throw it down the field? 'Cause that's the only way you fix soccer.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Nothing against "Sound of Music," but there's a lot of other things we could do this afternoon. You ever hear of "Death Wish"?
Gloria: Oh, I love "Death Wish." Manny, that's the charity where the sick kids go to, like, a concert with Madonna or to the super bowl with Justin Bieber, or they...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, while you're out, I'm gonna review our flower options, and I have to say, so far, I'm partial to Floral and Hardy, but I'm gonna give one last look at Florist Gump.
Mitchell: You love a business with a clever name.
Cameron: I do. Guilty.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Why do you always got to be like this judgmental, hot-tempered, loud? These are a few of my least-favorite things.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I thought cats had nine lives.
Cameron: Yeah, and they do, but Larry's wife was older than he was, and she'd been married eight times before.
Lily: Like Elizabeth Taylor?
Cameron: Oh, you remember our bedtime stories.

Quote from Manny

Manny: If we give in to every impulse, we're no better than wild animals.
Jay: But if we push it down, it eats you alive.
Manny: Not if you just let it go.
Filmgoer: [loudly on phone] The chick from that crapfest "Mary Poppins."
Manny: That's it. [grabs phone, smashes it against theater chair]
Filmgoer: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[aside to camera:]
Manny: A lot of cold, lonely nights in that apartment by myself while my mom was driving a taxi, and only one thing kept me company. So, you got a problem with Poppins, you got a problem with me.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I have bad news, Jay. Joe was thrown out of the gymboree.
Jay: Again? What happened?
Gloria: He pushed Mason. He made him cry. The teacher said that we cannot go back.
Jay: That's ridiculous. Mason's a big baby.
Gloria: Everybody there is a big baby. But Joe plays very rough. And we know why. It's the curse.
Jay: Not that I'd ever want to discourage you from whispering, but that's not a thing.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny escaped it, but I am not sure about Joe.
Jay: Gloria, this is about an uptight teacher. And so what if Joe's a little boisterous? Whatever happened to letting kids be themselves?
Manny: Ready.
Jay: Lose the hat.
Manny: I guess I'm supposed to see "Sound of Music" in a regular hat.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Daddy, where's Larry?
Cameron: Oh, well, you know how cats are, sweetie. They're they're wanderers.
Lily: But I haven't seen him in days.
Cameron: Well, he'll be back, okay? Trust daddy on this.
Lily: Okay. [exits]
Mitchell: You know, I'm starting to get worried that Larry might not come back.
Cameron: Oh, he's definitely dead.
Mitchell: What?!
Cameron: Yeah, street meat or coyote chow. We'll wait a couple weeks, and then we'll get a new Larry.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Uh, you're pretty nonchalant about our family pet dying. And shouldn't we help our daughter process this loss?
Cameron: Yes, we will, and she'll be fine. And it's not nonchalant. It's farm life. Death is everywhere. You just learn to not get too attached to anything.
Mitchell: Oh, so, what, if I were to die, you would just wait a few weeks and then replace me?
Cameron: Of course not. Where would I find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?

Quote from Cameron

Lily: I'm worried about Larry.
Cameron: Oh, honey, I know.
Lily: Where is he?
Cameron: Um, Lily, there's probably something I should tell you. Larry's not coming back home.
Lily: Why? Is he dead?
Cameron: Nope. Um, not dead. Lay, uh, met someone, fell in love, and he got married.
Lily: Are they ever going to visit?
Cameron: I'm afraid not because when cats get married, they have to move to, um, the forest, and so then they're not tempted by other cats in the city.
Lily: It's Larry.
Cameron: I know. Even people that you would never expect have moments of weakness.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hello, Larry. Larry's back. Yeah, uh, well, you know what? I think they probably, uh, didn't work out, and they broke up.
Lily: People get married and then break up? What if that happens to you and daddy?
Cameron: Oh, y- You know what? Daddy made a mistake. Uh, Larry and his wife didn't break up. Larry's wife died.
Lily: Oh, no.
Cameron: Yeah. That's why we're gonna give him the closure he needs by throwing, um, a funeral to celebrate the remarkable life of Larry's wife. [gasps] It's gonna be great. You know what? We're gonna have music, we're gonna get a shoe box we're gonna have candles. [on the phone] Yes. Hi, Florist Gump. It's me again.

Quote from Dylan

Cameron: Oh, Dylan, thank you for coming on such short notice. I just need you to dig a hole right over here. Thank you.
Dylan: Oh, no problem. So, Lily, I'm really sorry. How's Larry doing?
Lily: Fine. He's a happy cat.
Dylan: Oh, they're cats. That's gonna make my job a lot easier.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, everyone, thank you for coming. It means a lot to Lily, and it means a lot to me. Angus? [bagpipes play] So, Larry's wife what can I say? She loved Larry. And, um, you know, like all cat marriages, they had their ups and their downs, but they always landed on their feet.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Here you go. I got you sno-caps, 'cause, you know, at the end, they escape across the alps.
Man: Thanks for ruining it.
Jay: Calm down. The movie's 50 years old.

Quote from Phil

Phil: How about that master suite, huh?
Lorraine: Maybe if I had someone to share it with.
Phil: Lorraine, you are a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. Should we make an offer?
[later:]
Diane: It's a great house, but I'm just gonna be alone.
Phil: Diane, you're not gonna be alone. You're gonna get a loan.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I'm stretched a little thin today, so I need you to do the grocery shopping, check in on the kids, and maybe clean up those branches in the front yard.
Phil: Done and done.
Claire: Is that an expression, or did you really only remember two of the things I said?
Phil: The second.
Claire: I'll leave you a message.
Phil: [answering phone] Hello?
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Sorry. Call back.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey, fiancé?
Cameron: Hello, my intended.
Mitchell: That one sounds a little murdery.
Cameron: You are my intended.
Mitchell: Stop it. Stop it!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell and I agreed that I would be in charge of the wedding after the tragic news last week from the Andys.
Mitchell: Uh, not the mountain range. No. Our friends Andrew and Andrew they broke up.
Cameron: The stress of planning a wedding was too much. They were quibbling about-
Mitchell: Everything. I mean, uh, which is why I'm just happy to stay out of his way.
Cameron: Yeah, I dream big. Then I winnow down. Dream big. Winnow down. Dream big.
Mitchell: Okay, winnow down.
Cameron: Yep. Stay out of my way.

Quote from Alex

Luke: What's happening, Big Al?
Alex: Yeah, let's go ahead and veto that nickname.
Luke: Hey, Reuben taught me this cool trick. Close your eyes.
Alex: Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?
Luke: [to Rueben] You kissed a girl. Now we're even. Just paying off a poker debt.
Alex: Luke's creepy friend just kissed me.
Haley: Ew. Reuben? That little weirdo?
Rueben: I'm still here.
Alex: I'm gonna go boil my mouth.

Quote from Luke

Haley: This little game you dorks play, we talking milk money or heavy cream?
Luke: A lot of fresh bar mitzvah money down there.
Haley: Mind if I sit in?
Luke: We kind of got a no-girls policy.
Haley: Is it a policy or just something that keeps happening?
Luke: The second.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Best thing about my relationship with Cam? Trust. Newsflash I can be an obsessive person. In the past, I've had trouble letting someone else call the shots. Giving up control made me crazy. That's what makes my life with Cam so freeing. I can turn over big things to him and never give them a second thought. Out of sight, out of mind. Bye-bye.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Branches are still in the front yard, I just took a rake to the face, Reuben is getting really weird on Alex, and Haley's doing something for money in the basement.
Phil: It's all gonna be fine. Daddy's home, superstar.
Claire: No. Don't call me that. I'm not of one your needy little divorcées.
Phil: Um, that is work.
Claire: Is it? 'Cause I kind of feel like part of you loves being a hero to those women.
Phil: I'm a helper of people. Hey, you knew what you signed up for when you hitched your wagon to a realtor man.
Claire: Honey, when I met you, you were a wedding deejay. By the way, Spinderfella, looks like you still need to hit the grocery store.
Phil: I think someone's feeling neglected. Yes, I deal with a lot of lonely women, but there's only one I'm married to.
Claire: You're getting too involved, Phil. You are juggling these women, and you're not that good a juggler.
Phil: Now you're just lashing out!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, thank you for coming, padre.
Father Marquez: Oh, of course, Gloria. And this must be Fulgencio. What a beautiful little boy. He's such a sweet nature. I can tell he's a gentle soul.
Gloria: Ah! Hey, Fulgencio, no, no. Sorry, padre. Ay, that's why I called you, father. I think he's bad. There is evil in my family.
Father Marquez: Ah, Gloria, he's just a little baby.
Gloria: Last week, his eyes got red, and the dog backed away.
Father Marquez: He probably just had a cold. All mothers worry. Look at him rosy cheeks, he's playing with his blocks.
Gloria: [gasps] The six again.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the phone] So, Joe knocks one kid down, he's out. All kids do that. Why do you think your whole building is made out of nerf? Yeah, you see where he gets it from. Hey, listen, I'm not afraid of you, Miss Debbie. You're not the- Damn it.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Sounds like someone needs a relaxing trip to Nazi-occupied Austria.

Quote from Mitchell

Randall: Just think about something else. I heard you're getting married. How's that going?
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, yeah. It's it's good. It's good. You know, we're planning it right now. Actually, it's being planned for me.
Randall: That's nice. No stress.
Mitchell: Oh, you'd think, huh? But it's getting a little bit out of hand.
Randall: Oh, that happens with weddings.
Mitchell: Does it? I mean, how many weddings have you been to that have something called a dove cannon?

Quote from Mitchell

Randall: You know, I'm pretty good at reading people, and it sounds like you and your lady really need to talk this out.
Mitchell: Yeah, maybe you're right. So I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I'm gay.
Randall: Oh, my God. Does she know?
Mitchell: Got to save something for the wedding night, huh?

Quote from Dylan

Cameron: Riley, no! Buster, please sit! Dylan, help!
Dylan: I can't! These cats and dogs are fighting like... Ugh!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey! How was the gym?
Mitchell: I never made it. Listen, Cam, I got to talk about something.
Cameron: I do, too. What would you think about being more involved with the wedding?
Mitchell: That's what I wanted to talk about. I would love to.
Cameron: Thank God. You know, I just think we're we're better together.
Mitchell: "Better together." Mm, I like that.
Angus: [Scottish accent] I cannot be in a house with snakes.
Mitchell: How bad is it?
Cameron: Gonna need about an hour.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, father, I am so sorry. I didn't even know that he could hold a fork.
Father Marquez: No, no, no, I blame myself. I probably shouldn't have taken his nose.
Gloria: No, it's my family. The girls are very chesty, but the men, they're kissed by the devil.

Quote from Jay

Father Marquez: Gloria, the fact that you are so concerned is only proof that you are a loving and caring mother.
Gloria: Huh?
Father Marquez: It's the parents who shape the child. And your son is growing up in a wonderful home.
Manny: Die, scum!
Jay: No, no, no! Louder, like you did at the drive-through.
Manny: Mom, Jay and I saw "Death Wish." Amazing.
Jay: Manny got in a fight at "The Sound of Music," got kicked out. I've never been so proud.

Quote from Joe

Father Marquez: Well, I guess every household could use a little fine-tuning, huh? Let me give you my card with my cell number on it.
Gloria: Please.
Father Marquez: And what did I do with my wallet?
[Joe is holding the father's wallet in his playpen]

Quote from Phil

Lorraine: We're on our way to an open house.
Diane: Oh, is that why you couldn't show me the colonial later? I made that corn bread that you like.
Phil: W- We're gonna make it to that. I just have to finish up with Lorraine.
Lorraine: Oh, you mean, like, "get it over with"?
Phil: No, I I don't mean that.
Lorraine: And I thought zucchini bread was your favorite. Why- Why am I buying zucchini?
Phil: Hey, can't a guy like zucchini bread and corn bread?

Quote from Phil

Ronnie: Phil?
Phil: Damn it. Ronnie!
Ronnie: I thought you had a doctor's appointment. That's why you had to Miss Darrell's swim meet.
Diane: Who's she?
Phil: Just another client.
Ronnie: "Just another client"?
Phil: No, that's- What is this? Uh-oh, it is. It's my office. Got to take it.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Are you all clients of Phil's?
Lorraine: Apparently.
Claire: Well, you could not be in better hands. I met Phil when I was at such a rocky place in my life. He was available to me morning, noon, and night. Of course he found me my dream house, but that wasn't the best part. Phil taught me how to trust a man again, and I think that was always his plan.
Phil: That was always my plan.
Claire: And it was not easy for me to trust a man after the husband that I'd had. This guys left tools in the yard, let the kids run wild.
Phil: Well, great to see you, Claire.
Claire: He was always interrupting me. And he wore the most ridiculous sleep-mask thing.
Diane: Oh, God, sounds like such a diva.
Phil: Or he's photosensitive, which is a real condition.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Never took my advice. You know, that's the worst part. He never he never said he was sorry just one time. I would kill to have heard, "Claire, you were right."
[aside to camera:]
Phil: She was right.
Claire: Louder.
Phil: I do not love this side of you.


 Episode 502 Episode 504