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‘Larry's Wife’ Quotes

Modern Family: Larry's Wife

503. Larry's Wife

Aired October 2, 2013

Phil has tapped into a new real estate segment - recently divorced women - but he annoys Claire as he makes himself available to them 24/7. Meanwhile, Gloria thinks baby Joe might have the mark of the devil, and Cameron gets carried away as he plans a pet funeral for Larry the cat's made-up wife.

Quote from Manny

Jay: It's a movie. New York, '70s, Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and he-
Manny: Who's pushed to the limit until one day he decides to fight back.
Jay: You've seen it?
Manny: It's called "Death Wish." I doubt it ends with him trading banter in an apartment with Marsha Mason.

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Quote from Haley

Haley: Thanks for winning my computer back.
Luke: And getting me all my money. That was awesome.
Alex: Yeah, if only I had stopped there, but I had to go back down. I got greedy, and I was careless.
Haley: There's a story about that I remember from school. Icarus flew too close to his son. I think their wings bumped. One of them fell. They might have been ducks. Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to pay attention.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] I'm mad for you Diane. Roger's dating already? OMG, I wonder if she's younger than him. You hold on a second? [switching lines] Lorraine, how's my favorite client?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I've been on something of a hot streak at work. I've tapped into a rich vein of new clients recently divorced moms. You might say I hit the single-mother lode.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Look, I need more sleep than you, and ever since they cut down that stupid prune tree, the sun has been right in my eyes every morning.
Alex: It's not a prune tree. They pruned the tree. And I'm not switching places with you, so you should just put your head at the other end of the bed.
Haley: Uh, why? So my feet get the pillow? And I'm the dumb one.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] There is a mark of the devil in my family. My great-great grandfather was given the location of an emerald mine in exchange for his soul.
Jay: There's, like, paperwork or something that proves this?
Gloria: And they say that the day of his daughter's wedding, a great bird came from the sky and snatched him with his claws and took him far, far away.
Jay: You're aware that a remarkable number of your stories end with a family member being carried off by a giant bird.
Gloria: I only know what I was told, Jay.
Jay: I'm just saying after the third time, we might think about moving the party inside.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Okay, maybe it's not the curse, but you know that my family has a very dark side. My cousin Aurelio is a horse thief. My Uncle Carlos fixed soccer games. My aunt-
Jay: Did he teach them to pick the ball up and throw it down the field? 'Cause that's the only way you fix soccer.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Nothing against "Sound of Music," but there's a lot of other things we could do this afternoon. You ever hear of "Death Wish"?
Gloria: Oh, I love "Death Wish." Manny, that's the charity where the sick kids go to, like, a concert with Madonna or to the super bowl with Justin Bieber, or they...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, while you're out, I'm gonna review our flower options, and I have to say, so far, I'm partial to Floral and Hardy, but I'm gonna give one last look at Florist Gump.
Mitchell: You love a business with a clever name.
Cameron: I do. Guilty.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Why do you always got to be like this judgmental, hot-tempered, loud? These are a few of my least-favorite things.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I thought cats had nine lives.
Cameron: Yeah, and they do, but Larry's wife was older than he was, and she'd been married eight times before.
Lily: Like Elizabeth Taylor?
Cameron: Oh, you remember our bedtime stories.

Quote from Manny

Manny: If we give in to every impulse, we're no better than wild animals.
Jay: But if we push it down, it eats you alive.
Manny: Not if you just let it go.
Filmgoer: [loudly on phone] The chick from that crapfest "Mary Poppins."
Manny: That's it. [grabs phone, smashes it against theater chair]
Filmgoer: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[aside to camera:]
Manny: A lot of cold, lonely nights in that apartment by myself while my mom was driving a taxi, and only one thing kept me company. So, you got a problem with Poppins, you got a problem with me.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I have bad news, Jay. Joe was thrown out of the gymboree.
Jay: Again? What happened?
Gloria: He pushed Mason. He made him cry. The teacher said that we cannot go back.
Jay: That's ridiculous. Mason's a big baby.
Gloria: Everybody there is a big baby. But Joe plays very rough. And we know why. It's the curse.
Jay: Not that I'd ever want to discourage you from whispering, but that's not a thing.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny escaped it, but I am not sure about Joe.
Jay: Gloria, this is about an uptight teacher. And so what if Joe's a little boisterous? Whatever happened to letting kids be themselves?
Manny: Ready.
Jay: Lose the hat.
Manny: I guess I'm supposed to see "Sound of Music" in a regular hat.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Daddy, where's Larry?
Cameron: Oh, well, you know how cats are, sweetie. They're they're wanderers.
Lily: But I haven't seen him in days.
Cameron: Well, he'll be back, okay? Trust daddy on this.
Lily: Okay. [exits]
Mitchell: You know, I'm starting to get worried that Larry might not come back.
Cameron: Oh, he's definitely dead.
Mitchell: What?!
Cameron: Yeah, street meat or coyote chow. We'll wait a couple weeks, and then we'll get a new Larry.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Uh, you're pretty nonchalant about our family pet dying. And shouldn't we help our daughter process this loss?
Cameron: Yes, we will, and she'll be fine. And it's not nonchalant. It's farm life. Death is everywhere. You just learn to not get too attached to anything.
Mitchell: Oh, so, what, if I were to die, you would just wait a few weeks and then replace me?
Cameron: Of course not. Where would I find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?

Quote from Cameron

Lily: I'm worried about Larry.
Cameron: Oh, honey, I know.
Lily: Where is he?
Cameron: Um, Lily, there's probably something I should tell you. Larry's not coming back home.
Lily: Why? Is he dead?
Cameron: Nope. Um, not dead. Lay, uh, met someone, fell in love, and he got married.
Lily: Are they ever going to visit?
Cameron: I'm afraid not because when cats get married, they have to move to, um, the forest, and so then they're not tempted by other cats in the city.
Lily: It's Larry.
Cameron: I know. Even people that you would never expect have moments of weakness.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hello, Larry. Larry's back. Yeah, uh, well, you know what? I think they probably, uh, didn't work out, and they broke up.
Lily: People get married and then break up? What if that happens to you and daddy?
Cameron: Oh, y- You know what? Daddy made a mistake. Uh, Larry and his wife didn't break up. Larry's wife died.
Lily: Oh, no.
Cameron: Yeah. That's why we're gonna give him the closure he needs by throwing, um, a funeral to celebrate the remarkable life of Larry's wife. [gasps] It's gonna be great. You know what? We're gonna have music, we're gonna get a shoe box we're gonna have candles. [on the phone] Yes. Hi, Florist Gump. It's me again.

Quote from Dylan

Cameron: Oh, Dylan, thank you for coming on such short notice. I just need you to dig a hole right over here. Thank you.
Dylan: Oh, no problem. So, Lily, I'm really sorry. How's Larry doing?
Lily: Fine. He's a happy cat.
Dylan: Oh, they're cats. That's gonna make my job a lot easier.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, everyone, thank you for coming. It means a lot to Lily, and it means a lot to me. Angus? [bagpipes play] So, Larry's wife what can I say? She loved Larry. And, um, you know, like all cat marriages, they had their ups and their downs, but they always landed on their feet.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Here you go. I got you sno-caps, 'cause, you know, at the end, they escape across the alps.
Man: Thanks for ruining it.
Jay: Calm down. The movie's 50 years old.


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