Claire: [aside to camera] I'm throwing Dad and Gloria's 10th anniversary party, and Phil is part of the entertainment.
Phil: I'm gonna make Gloria seemingly dematerialize, then wondrously travel back through time, and then rematerialized in her wedding dress.
Claire: She's gonna change her clothes in a box.
Phil: This is why I'm nervous about you introducing me.
Claire: I'm kidding! You're gonna be great.
[separately to camera:]
Claire: He better be great. I want Dad and Gloria's party to be perfect. I was kind of a pill at their wedding. I hadn't fully accepted Gloria yet. And I feel a little responsible for what happened with my mom. I fed her, like, three drinks at the reception. You know, just to take the edge off. She almost took the doorframe off.

Mitchell: So, uh, what's all this?
Cameron: This is redemption.
Mitchell: Maybe just a straight answer.
Cameron: The year was 2007. The wedding reception of Jay and Gloria. Our gift to the newlyweds was a duet performance of "Islands in the Stream."
Mitchell: "Islands in the Stream."
Cameron: A gift that would never be, because...
Mitchell: I remember.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I fed my mom a few drinks at the reception. I really did not want to sing, so I figured if I got her a little tipsy, I wouldn't have to perform because I'd have to hold her hand... And later hold her hair back.

Jay: Morning, beautiful. We have huevos, we have chorizo, we have tortilla. What we ain't got is Manny. Unfortunately, he's gonna be a no-show at the party today.
Joe: Aha.
Jay: What can I get you?
Gloria: Take that garbage away from me. I'm going for a walk.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Manny was a big part of our wedding. He walked Gloria down the aisle, did the calligraphy. And I knew him not showing up to our anniversary party would put Gloria in a bad mood. In some ways, I feel responsible.

Jay: You're home again? You're in college. You can't come back every weekend!
Manny: So no hug?
Jay: I love you, but you're not making the most of your college experience by being here all the time. My father dropped me off my freshman year, and I didn't see him again till the spring. You want to know why?
Manny: I don't know. Something about dames and fistfights?
Jay: Exactly. Too busy making friends, chasing skirts, and things of that nature.

Jay: But your mother and I think it's bad for you to be here all the time. So hit the road, and we'll see you at Thanksgiving.
Manny: Wait. I'm banned from my house?
Jay: Don't think of it that way. You're banned from my house.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Technically, Gloria was not in on this decision, in the sense that she was not in on this decision.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I was a little grumpy. I had agreed to do this magic trick at the party with Phil. I go into a box, and then I come out in my wedding dress. But there was a problem.
[flashback:]
Gloria: Pull!
Joe: She won't budge!
[back to camera:]
Gloria: The only logical explanation is that somebody snuck into my closet and shrunk my wedding dress. Like, probably my sister. So for the past week, I've had to, like, get even skinnier than I was at my wedding. Oh, shut up.

Joe: I look stupid.
Jay: Hey, you see what a bad mood your mother's in? That's because she misses Manny. Today, you're Manny.
Joe: But wouldn't she miss Joe then?
Jay: Don't overthink. Just go in there, act all heartsick, and tell her you want to have high tea.
Joe: Hey, Mom. Why are girls such a mystery? Have a scone!

Lily: [singing, off-key] That old black magic has me in its spell That old black magic that you weave so well Take it, Daddy!
Cameron: [drum solo] Oh! Hi, Mitchell. You know what? I def traded up with Lily. I'm glad you backed out.
Mitchell: Lily, why don't you go rest your instrument? So, uh, just to break down this "foolproof" plan, you thought this would make me so jealous that I'd beg to be back in the act, didn't you?
Cameron: Um, no. I just found a younger talent that I clicked with.

Mitchell: Okay, well, I look forward to watching you two perform.
Cameron: Well, I envy you getting to watch us perform.
Mitchell: Lily, sweetheart, get in here! The rehearsal's not over!
Cameron: Y-Y-Yeah, time's a-wasting, my little thrush!
Mitchell: And hurry! The party starts real soon!
Cameron: Okay, you know what? You win. You know I'm never taking the stage with that screech owl. Just sing. It would be very important for you.

Cameron: Your family has been entranced by my performances many times. I don't need this, but over the last 10 years, I've watch you shrink in their presence. And you love to sing. I like it fine. And when we go out, you're the first person to grab the karaoke mic and scat the night away, and you're good at it. You know what people are calling you? "Fella Fitzgerald."
Mitchell: They do not!
Cameron: Yes, they do. And just once, I would love to watch your talent soar in front of your family and shut them up for good. But if you don't want to
Mitchell: You know what? Screw it. I don't even care that I'm mostly sure you're manipulating me right now.