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40Quotes from ‘Grill, Interrupted’

Modern Family: Grill, Interrupted

619. Grill, Interrupted

Aired April 1, 2015

As the family gathers to celebrate Jay's birthday, Phil is desperate to impress his father-in-law with a high-tech outdoor grill. As Cameron tries to hide an extravagant purchase from Mitchell, he and Claire commit to repaying money their father money he lent them for their house deposits. Meanwhile, Andy plans to tell Haley how he feels about her.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I do this all the time. She does these amazing things, and I'm so used to it I don't even make a big deal over Caltech.
Phil: I got excited. Doesn't that count?
Claire: Oh, honey, you get excited over everything. You're a born cheerleader. I I just need to make a really big fuss over Alex today. That's all. I know. You're upset because I said that you were a born-
Phil: There's no such thing as a born cheerleader. It takes hard work and sacrifice. You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries.

Quote from Manny

Luke: Did you get it?
Manny: Yep.
Luke: Sweet Mexican treasure.
Manny: I was born in Florida, but thank you.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [smiling] Mitchell, I have some really sad news.
Mitchell: Yes, you seem very broken up.
Cameron: Apparently, I had an uncle, uh, Cyrus who died and out of the blue left me a pretty handsome sum. I-I guess he didn't have a lot of other kin.
Mitchell: Okay, this is the one time I don't mind you saying "kin."

Quote from Phil

Jay: I'm just not comfortable with Vesuvius over there. I hope you can get your money back.
Phil: "Money back." There it is.
Jay: Huh?
Phil: There's a shadow that's been cast over this relationship for quite a while now.
Jay: Is this about that time you were sleepwalking and came in my tent and kissed my neck?
Phil: "Somnamorousness" the condition no one wants to talk about.
Jay: You're right about that.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, don't be mad at Phil. He's not the bad guy here. He is. Look at him, sitting over there like he's the king of the world.
Mitchell: What father takes money from his own children?
Claire: Not like he needs it. He lives in this palace.
Mitchell: Meanwhile, our whole family's sharing a bathroom the size of his closet. I know. I've paced it out.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Funny. I always thought I'd be found dead in a bird suit at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
Manny: You still will, buddy. You still will.
Gloria: [camera shutter clicks] If I ever catch you drinking again your whole school is going to see this picture.
Manny: Sh-Sh-She tricked us.
Luke: I know. As soon as we kill this worm, we're gonna get her back.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [on the phone] Okay, Gloria just make sure Jay doesn't find out. [phone beeps] Oh, boy! I just heard that. You probably think there's something between me and Gloria. Relax.
Claire: I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a coma.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I'm really proud of you because there was a time when I wouldn't have even seen this check.
Cameron: Oh, well, yes. You know, I used to be quite the impulse buyer. But I don't even recognize that guy anymore.
Lily: I love my new faux mink, Daddy. I forgot which Gabor sister am I?
Cameron: You're Eva, the classy one, but listen. We need to keep the tags on it, because it's going back.
Lily: Well, then yours is going back too.
Cameron: No. That's a hard thing, because the saleslady said I look like Dr. Zhivago.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: Get ready to see the best gift ever. Happy birthday!
Jay: It's a grill. I got a grill.
Mitchell: You had a wife too. Didn't mean you couldn't trade up. I give you the Flame XL. My client owns the company. He gave me a crazy good deal. 25,000 wood propane BTUs. That's plenty, right? No! Electric rotisserie! If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: Well, if that's her giving you a hard time, I think you got off pretty easy.
Claire: Well, that's true. That one never really went through a rebellious phase.
Mitchell: Remember how wild we were?
Claire: [chuckling] Oh! Were we ever.
Mitchell: [chuckling, sighing] Oh. Were we ever?
Claire: Not really, no. You had your summer of the red Afro and I dated the whitest Puerto Rican on earth.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Do what
Mitchell: Oh, nothing. You're busy.
Jay: Not really. Phil's tinkering with the new grill so you better collect some old photographs for the memorial.

Quote from Lily

Lily: What are you gonna tell Daddy?
Cameron: Well, I guess I'm just gonna tell him I made a mistake. You know, like I say, sweetie, honesty is always the best policy. Unless... And stay with me here.
Lily: Where would I go?
Cameron: I convince your daddy to wait on the apartment upstairs until I have enough time to sell your coat and, if need be, even sell mine.
Lily: Thanks for selling mine first, Dr. Chicago.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: It's not fair, okay? Dad gave you the same amount of money for your down payment.
Phil: What? Jay loaned us that money?
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You don't know. Yes. Yes. Makes you wonder what else she's lied about, huh?
Phil: Wait. I've owed Jay money for 20 years, and you never told me?
Claire: I didn't think you'd want to take it.
Phil: I finally understand the invisible wall that's been between Jay and me all this time. This is why we're not laughing about that crazy grill taking an awesome selfie with it, posting it on Instagram sending hilarious e-mails back and forth! "Remember when the grill went nuts?" "Oh, yeah. That was hilarious." "You're hilarious." [chuckles]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You gave him my money, didn't you?
Mitchell: Your money? I thought you said it was our money.
Cameron: Why would it be our money? You didn't know my Uncle Remus.
Mitchell: Wasn't it Cyrus?
Cameron: I think I would know the name of the saint that practically raised me.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I forgot to give Grandpa his birthday crown.
Mitchell: Wait a minute. What's this? Uh, does Lily have a fur?
Lily: Oh, boy.

Quote from Jay

Phil: This is actually much more embarrassing. I just found out you lent us money for our down payment. So here. Paid back in full.
Jay: Phil, is this because Mitchell-
Phil: No. This is for me. For us. And though it may be long overdue, thank you.
Jay: You're welcome. Probably seems awkward, but-
Phil: It's happening.
Jay: Could you throw that apron on me? [Phil hugs Jay] You're not sleeping again?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Maybe we should have another pot of coffee. That's a weird word, huh? Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Doctor! I need your help. I've been drinking this tequila, and I cannot find the worm. I think I just swallow it.
Will: That's very serious. That worm could eat your insides in a matter of hours.
Haley: Well, there must be something she can do.
Will: Drink pickle juice. The worm cannot survive in pickle juice.
Gloria: Is this enough?
Will: Just.
Gloria: Thank you, Doctor. I'm feeling better already.
Will: You got lucky. The only other treatment is to freeze the worm to death by lowering the body temperature with an ice bath.

Quote from Manny

Luke: I feel it inside of me.
Manny: No. I think it's inside of me. I knew we should've poured the tequila in your belly button. That's why they have these systems in place.

Quote from Alex

Claire: To my brilliant daughter-
Lily: [to Haley] So, not you.
Claire: Who worked for 12 years to get into Caltech the most prestigious college-
Alex: Mom, it's really not a big deal.
Claire: Oh, honey, wait, wait, wait. You said yourself it's the best scientist school in the country.
Alex: Well, I most definitely did not use those words.

Quote from Haley

Gloria: Congratulations, Alex. We expect great things from you unlike some of the other children in this family.
Haley: [to Lily] Well, I snagged a doctor, so she must be talking about you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, what about me? My tears have barely dried, he stole my inheritance and I'm left holding the bag for two fur coats.
Mitchell: T-Two?
Cameron: I can get three seasons of use out of it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Not gonna help, kid.
Alex: You're right. I can't drown my problems in alcohol.
Jay: Well, you can, but that's water. You're not really gonna turn down Caltech?
Alex: Oh, please don't tell me what a great school it is how I'm gonna graduate in two years and they're gonna name a country after me.
Jay: You're feeling some pressure.
Alex: What if I'm the dumbest one there? Someone has to be. I could get there, be dumb, have a nervous breakdown-
Jay: Hey, you're going. I know you. You've never backed down from a challenge your whole life. Now I could lie to you and tell you it's gonna be easy.
Alex: Well, do that. I'm vulnerable. I'll believe you.
Jay: It's not. It's gonna be hard. But you and I both know this is something you have to do.
Alex: 'Cause if I don't, I'll regret it my whole life. I know, I know.
Jay: Yeah, that's part of it. Let's take a ride. Want to show you something.
Alex: You're not gonna drive me into a bad neighborhood to show me how lucky I am, are you?

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Well, I would still have my money if she hadn't tricked Mitchell.
Claire: Oh, and it's a shame you don't, Cam. 'Cause then you could buy another one of those coats.
Phil: Well, I didn't get anything I wanted! Jay didn't even like the world's most perfect grill. [explosion] Come on!

Quote from Jay

Jay: The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.
Alex: Do I have to?
Jay: Heavy hangs the head.
Alex: You know, college might not be such a big, scary place if I drove up the first-
Jay: Not gonna happen.
Alex: Okay.

Quote from Claire

Alex: I just got accepted into Caltech.
Phil: You did? That is incredible! We're gonna have a famous scientist in the family!
Claire: Uh, not that there's any shame in learning a trade. Air conditioners are always gonna break.
Luke: I looked into it. It's a lot of classes.

Quote from Manny

Manny: So, is that a birthday present for you or an extremely late midlife crisis?
Jay: I don't think "extremely" is necessary. It's on loan kind of a weekend-long test drive.
Manny: Wow. I walk into a store, they make me leave my backpack behind the counter.
Jay: It's an old car salesman's trick. They're hoping I'd fall in love with it and never give it back. But I can't justify buying it any more than you can justify that hat.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [aside to camera] I was seeing Haley for the first time since she came to visit me in the hospital. She said some pretty heavy stuff. She didn't know I heard. I tried for a couple weeks to forget about it and just go on with Beth but I couldn't stop thinking about Haley. So, today's the day I'm finally gonna have the big talk.

Quote from Andy

Andy: There's a cooler of drinks out back! Help yourselves! Hey. Where's Haley? Is she coming?
Alex: The last time Haley informed me of her plans, she said "Ha, ha. I'm going to Cabo, and you're not."
Andy: [chuckling] She's the best.

Quote from Jay

Jay: But it's got all those doodads. I don't know what to do with those doodads.
Phil: You're doing a great job of hiding your excitement about this gift. Look, it's simplicity itself. You just turn on the gas, hit the electric starter. [starter clicking] Hit the electric starter.
Jay: Phil, you might want to lay off- [gas lights]
Phil: Oh! I'm fine. Healthy as ever.
Jay: I'd know if you weren't, 'cause I just saw your skeleton.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Looking for something?
Luke: Aaah! Uh, yeah you. [chuckles] I just wanted to say what a nice party you put together.
Gloria: The secret is to know what your guests want and I know what you want.
Manny: Hey, Luke. Quick lesson. This is a coaster. It prevents rings. Thanks to you and your Dr. Pepper my teak end table upstairs looks like the Olympic flag. Think, Luke.
Gloria: Yes. Think, Luke.

Quote from Claire

Claire: There she is our little genius. She just got accepted to Caltech.
Mitchell: Oh, that's amazing.
Alex: It's not that big of a deal.
Claire: It's a huge deal! That school pumps out Nobel Prize winners the way my school pumped out stomachs.

Quote from Andy

Haley: How you feeling?
Andy: Better. Turns out you don't even need an appendix. I don't even miss it anymore. It's like Circuit City.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I mean, what kind of store policy is that? I-I can't return a coat that I put on one time at home?
Lily: Getting out of the shower.
Cameron: Yeah, you didn't help by pointing that out.

Quote from Luke

Manny: If I'm reading this properly I'm supposed to put a lime in your mouth, salt on your stomach and drink it out of your belly button.
Luke: [cork pops] You wish.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Oh, hey. I got it lit.
Jay: I could feel it inside the house. They're gonna need dental records to identify those chickens.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, hey! Is there a future doctor in the house?
Alex: Yeah, I think he's upstairs feeling up Haley.
Claire: No, you, Alex Einstein.
Alex: Whatever you're doing, please stop.

Quote from Andy

Haley: What's with the robe, Hef?
Andy: I don't know who that is but I took off my shirt to protect it from Splash Gordon over here.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Wow. This looks bad. And this looks even worse. But there's a perfectly good explanation.
Will: Hey, babe. You spill something on your dress?
Andy: Really? That was your first guess?
Haley: Yeah, I was giving Andy a juice box.
Andy: Mm. Not to drink because I'm a man.

Quote from Andy

Will: I've been watching the two of you, and it's pretty obvious.
Andy: Finally.
Will: You know how to make her laugh. Anyway, I got Haley a little gift, and I want to write something cute on the card. I thought you could help me, because-
Andy: Because you're not good with words.
Will: Well, I'm a doctor. I can't admit I'm not good at something. But please?
Andy: Yeah. Fine. Just write how you feel. Something like "Dear Haley, I know how eyes work but I never knew how they sparkled until I-"
Will: That could be macular degeneration.
Andy: Just write.


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