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The Incident

‘The Incident’

Season 1, Episode 4 -  Aired October 14, 2009

Dede, Jay's ex-wife and Claire and Mitchell's mother, stops by and tries to make amends for "the incident" at Jay and Gloria's wedding. Meanwhile, Claire is reluctant to allow Haley to attend a concert with Dylan.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: Everybody, Haley says that Dylan is a musician, and he writes some great songs.
Phil: Play something, bro.
Dylan: Well, I guess so, if you want me to. We could all use a nice tune right now. This is actually a song I wrote for Haley. It's called "In the Moonlight."
Cameron: Lovely title, Dylan.
Dylan: Thanks. [playing guitar and singing] The stars are falling from the sky And you're the reason why The moon is shining on your face 'Cause it finally feels It's found its place 'Cause, baby, baby, I just want to do you do you Do you want to do me do me Underneath the moonlight the moonlight? Baby, baby, Maybe I will steal you steal you Just so I can feel you feel you Maybe that would heal you heal you on the inside.
Claire: She's so not going.
Phil: Not a chance in hell.


Quote from Phil

Phil: Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, huh? All like East Coast/West Coast. You feelin' me?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it "peerenting." I learned it from my own Dad who used to walk into my room and say, "what's up, sweathog?"

Quote from Cameron

Dede: Hi, honey.
Mitchell: Hi. I-I didn't know you were in town. You didn't call.
Dede: Well, I couldn't wait to see your new baby. Where is she?
Cameron: Mitchell, who was that?
Mitchell: Uh, it's my mom.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, right. 'cause the last time she was here, the refrigerator magnets rearranged themselves into a penta- Grandma!

Quote from Dede

Mitchell: Mom. Mom, what are you doing to her legs?
Dede: Tai chi. I did it every day in Sedona. Cameron, you should try it. [Cameron puts down scone]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem... with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So, to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] There's a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say, "That's messed up."

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me? I think concerts are rad. Hello! I was a Hall-raiser.
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. "Rich Girl" just spoke to me. I was dating this girl. Not, not dating. I guess I was following her, too, kind of.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I'm gonna take a shower. Do you care to join me?
Jay: You know, honey, there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage. If I ever say "no" to that question, I want you to use it on me.

Quote from Gloria

Dede: Surprise!
Mitchell: Mom!
[cut to:]
Gloria: What's that?
Jay: Sounds like a bird hit the window.
Gloria: Oh, god, that's a bad sign.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, Whom, apparently, the drink was named after.
Phil: Oh, come on, they were funny.
Claire: They kept patting my butt.
Phil: Somebody's full of herself. It's a- It's a Colombian wedding tradition, they said.

Quote from Dede

[wedding video flashback:]
Dede: To the bride and the groom, my ex. And he couldn't wait 10 minutes to run off with charo. I'm kidding. [rimshot] Seriously, I knew they were perfect for each other When I saw his wallet and her boobs. [laughs] Take your hands off me.
Mitchell: Mom. Mom.
Dede: Oh, relax, Mitchell. What, did you take your Claire pill?

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