Claire: Everybody, Haley says that Dylan is a musician, and he writes some great songs.
Phil: Play something, bro.
Dylan: Well, I guess so, if you want me to. We could all use a nice tune right now. This is actually a song I wrote for Haley. It's called "In the Moonlight."
Cameron: Lovely title, Dylan.
Dylan: Thanks. [playing guitar and singing] The stars are falling from the sky And you're the reason why The moon is shining on your face 'Cause it finally feels It's found its place 'Cause, baby, baby, I just want to do you do you Do you want to do me do me Underneath the moonlight the moonlight? Baby, baby, Maybe I will steal you steal you Just so I can feel you feel you Maybe that would heal you heal you on the inside.
Claire: She's so not going.
Phil: Not a chance in hell.

Phil: Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, huh? All like East Coast/West Coast. You feelin' me?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it "peerenting." I learned it from my own Dad who used to walk into my room and say, "what's up, sweathog?"

Dede: Hi, honey.
Mitchell: Hi. I-I didn't know you were in town. You didn't call.
Dede: Well, I couldn't wait to see your new baby. Where is she?
Cameron: Mitchell, who was that?
Mitchell: Uh, it's my mom.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, right. 'cause the last time she was here, the refrigerator magnets rearranged themselves into a penta- Grandma!

Mitchell: Mom. Mom, what are you doing to her legs?
Dede: Tai chi. I did it every day in Sedona. Cameron, you should try it. [Cameron puts down scone]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem... with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So, to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Cameron: [aside to camera] There's a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say, "That's messed up."

Phil: Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me? I think concerts are rad. Hello! I was a Hall-raiser.
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. "Rich Girl" just spoke to me. I was dating this girl. Not, not dating. I guess I was following her, too, kind of.

Gloria: I'm gonna take a shower. Do you care to join me?
Jay: You know, honey, there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage. If I ever say "no" to that question, I want you to use it on me.

Dede: Surprise!
Mitchell: Mom!
[cut to:]
Gloria: What's that?
Jay: Sounds like a bird hit the window.
Gloria: Oh, god, that's a bad sign.

Claire: [aside to camera] My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, Whom, apparently, the drink was named after.
Phil: Oh, come on, they were funny.
Claire: They kept patting my butt.
Phil: Somebody's full of herself. It's a- It's a Colombian wedding tradition, they said.

[wedding video flashback:]
Dede: To the bride and the groom, my ex. And he couldn't wait 10 minutes to run off with charo. I'm kidding. [rimshot] Seriously, I knew they were perfect for each other When I saw his wallet and her boobs. [laughs] Take your hands off me.
Mitchell: Mom. Mom.
Dede: Oh, relax, Mitchell. What, did you take your Claire pill?