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‘The Incident’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Incident

104. The Incident

Aired October 14, 2009

Dede, Jay's ex-wife and Claire and Mitchell's mother, stops by and tries to make amends for "the incident" at Jay and Gloria's wedding. Meanwhile, Claire is reluctant to allow Haley to attend a concert with Dylan.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, huh? All like East Coast/West Coast. You feelin' me?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it "peerenting." I learned it from my own Dad who used to walk into my room and say, "what's up, sweathog?"

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Quote from Dylan

Claire: Everybody, Haley says that Dylan is a musician, and he writes some great songs.
Phil: Play something, bro.
Dylan: Well, I guess so, if you want me to. We could all use a nice tune right now. This is actually a song I wrote for Haley. It's called "In the Moonlight."
Cameron: Lovely title, Dylan.
Dylan: Thanks. [playing guitar and singing] The stars are falling from the sky And you're the reason why The moon is shining on your face 'Cause it finally feels It's found its place 'Cause, baby, baby, I just want to do you do you Do you want to do me do me Underneath the moonlight the moonlight? Baby, baby, Maybe I will steal you steal you Just so I can feel you feel you Maybe that would heal you heal you on the inside.
Claire: She's so not going.
Phil: Not a chance in hell.

Quote from Cameron

Dede: Hi, honey.
Mitchell: Hi. I-I didn't know you were in town. You didn't call.
Dede: Well, I couldn't wait to see your new baby. Where is she?
Cameron: Mitchell, who was that?
Mitchell: Uh, it's my mom.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, right. 'cause the last time she was here, the refrigerator magnets rearranged themselves into a penta- Grandma!

Quote from Dede

Mitchell: Mom. Mom, what are you doing to her legs?
Dede: Tai chi. I did it every day in Sedona. Cameron, you should try it. [puts down scone]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem... with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So, to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] There's a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say, "That's messed up."

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I'm gonna take a shower. Do you care to join me?
Jay: You know, honey, there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage. If I ever say "no" to that question, I want you to use it on me.

Quote from Gloria

Dede: Surprise!
Mitchell: Mom!
[cut to:]
Gloria: What's that?
Jay: Sounds like a bird hit the window.
Gloria: Oh, god, that's a bad sign.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, Whom, apparently, the drink was named after.
Phil: Oh, come on, they were funny.
Claire: They kept patting my butt.
Phil: Somebody's full of herself. It's a- It's a Colombian wedding tradition, they said.

Quote from Dede

[wedding video flashback:]
Dede: To the bride and the groom, my ex. And he couldn't wait 10 minutes to run off with charo. I'm kidding. [rimshot] Seriously, I knew they were perfect for each other When I saw his wallet and her boobs. [laughs] Take your hands off me.
Mitchell: Mom. Mom.
Dede: Oh, relax, Mitchell. What, did you take your Claire pill?

Quote from Dede

[wedding video flashback:]
Dede: [mock accent] I'm Gloria. I'm Gloria. Kiss me. Oh, hey, kiss me.
[present, to camera:]
Luke: Nana is really strong.
[back:]
Dede: Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! Ooh! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
[present, to camera:]
Gloria: During my vows to my first husband, drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge. This was way worse.
Jay: What can I say? I drive women crazy. [laughs] It's too soon, I guess.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Everybody is going to be there, mom.
Claire: I don't care. Your father and I are not about to let you drive two hours to go to a concert and then spend the night with a bunch of boys, especially that 17-year-old hormone you're dating.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Mom, I'm home!
Gloria: Hi, baby! Did you have fun at the slumber party? You must be exhausted.
Manny: No, I'm not tired at all. I was the first one to fall asleep.
Gloria: What's on your face?
Manny: A smile from having such a good time with my friends.
Gloria: No. Come here. Look.
Manny: Oh. That's why they were laughing. I thought it was my funny take on current events.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Why would they do something like that?
Jay: Don't worry about it. Guys pull pranks like that all the time. You just got to prank 'em back. Just got to show 'em you're willing to give as good as you get.
Gloria: What do you think?
Manny: Hmm, revenge I like it. [stroking the drawn-on facial hair on his chin]

Quote from Cameron

Dede: It just that when I think of all the awful things that I said to Gloria and Jay, and you and Claire, I feel such guilt.
Cameron: Give it time... and see Banff.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me? I think concerts are rad. Hello! I was a Hall-raiser.
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. "Rich Girl" just spoke to me. I was dating this girl.
Not, not dating. I guess I was following her, too, kind of.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] You know how growing up, we all have that voice inside our head that tells us we're not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head, driving me to school.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Mitchell, what are you doing here?
Mitchell: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you. Uh, could I talk to you and Gloria for a second?
Jay: Oh, she's out dealing with a Manny situation. He set a kid's bike on fire.
Mitchell: Why?
Jay: Oh, I might have told him to get even with some kids, and he went all Rambo with it. Not my best parenting moment.
Mitchell: Not your worst.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's up?
Mitchell: Uh, well, you know, mom's in town.
Jay: Your mom?
Mitchell: No. No, your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes. Yes, my mom, Dad.
Jay: My mom would be less scary.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: So you'll talk to Gloria about mom coming to dinner?
Jay: Oh, Gloria would never go for that in a million years. She's still furious with your mother, which is why I'm not talking to you.
Mitchell: What did I do?
Jay: This conversation never took place.
Mitchell: Well, that's not very nice. I drove all the way here.
Jay: No, you didn't. You were never here. In fact, you never even called.
Mitchell: I would have called, but I thought it would be better to talk about th- What? What's happening here?
Jay: Listen I would love to get this thing behind us, but Gloria would never forgive me If I pulled a fast one on her. That's why you're going to pull a fast one on her, and I'm not going to like it one bit.
Mitchell: Okay, that's just great. No, that's great. So it's all up to me.
Jay: I can't hear you because you're back home and I'm taking a nap.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, Dylan, I see you brought the ax.
Dylan: Yeah, yeah, I just came from practice.
Phil: Sweet. Miss those days.
Dylan: Oh, you were in a band?
Phil: Could have been, but in high school, I was really all about my magic, so...

Quote from Dylan

Dede: I don't know what just happened.
Dylan: I do. I mean, it seems pretty simple to me. You're reaching out, trying to hold on to something awesome.
Haley: Um, maybe- Maybe you shouldn't.
Dylan: Look, look, look, I'm not used to this, the whole big-family thing. In my house, we don't even talk to each other.You know, it's funny. The first time I saw Haley, I knew I liked her. I mean, she's beautiful and everything, but it's- It's not just that. It's that she's got this killer confidence. You know, the kind of confidence that you get from having a family like this, that's passionate and accepting of hot foreigners and gay dudes and nutty people. You know, a family that actually loves each other.
Claire: I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but maybe we should let her go with him.
Phil: He's perfect.


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