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45Quotes from ‘In Your Head’

Modern Family: In Your Head

913. In Your Head

Aired January 17, 2018

After Luke doesn't return home following a night out in a sketchy neighborhood, Manny, Phil and Gloria team up to search for him. Seeking advice for a job interview with the creator of a popular lifestyle website, Haley interrupts Alex's college class and annoys the professor, Arvin Fennerman.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I've been putting on a brave face to squash the darkness inside of me, but what if the worst has happened? How will I tell Claire? I won't. I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain, but then Jay will have lost a daughter. I'll have to smother him, too. That's two pillows from the same set. It's a pattern. The police are after me!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I can't believe it's almost gone.
Cameron: Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice once early on election night and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture.
Mitchell: I know. It's been a rough year.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Earl Chambers, my former business partner-turned dumbass nemesis, bought the old horizontal wardrobe. For you closet non-pros, that means he died. Then last week, I received this urn and this note. "You know what to do with my ashes. Follow the path." What the hell does that mean?

Quote from Phil

Manny: Luke and I went to a sketchy neighborhood for tacos last night, and he disappeared, and I haven't seen him since.
Phil: What? Where did you see him last?
Manny: He went off with this girl.
Phil: With a girl?
Manny: Yeah.
Phil: [laughs] Manny. Let me tell you a little something about Dunphy men. When we come into contact with a lady, we leave her with a burning sensation. Let me try that again. Um... When a Dunphy man sees a sexy skirt, he's just gotta get in it. No!

Quote from Claire

Shirl Chambers: Claire, I'm so glad you called. How come we've never done this before?
Claire: Because we were born into a feud. Hatfields and McCoys, the Sharks and Jets, the the closet lunatic and the closet idiot.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Could you please just read my sample? This job is important to me. This is my one shot at a real career.
Alex: Fine, I'll read it. And "real career"? I've seen this NERP business. Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers. Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism?
Haley: No. Turns out there are no laws against eating your own appendix, and it does help with fine lines. But she's a success story. Child star, Bond girl, indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme.
Alex: Don't you mean Ponzi scheme?
Haley: Sadly, no.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Uh, first you open up our $400 bottle of wine, now it's our $200 tin of caviar. We were saving those.
Max: For what?
Cameron: A celebration, like-
Max: What about when "Moonlight" won the Oscar?
Cameron: Okay, it was a big moment for the community, yes...

Quote from Jay

Jay: [to the urn] You think you can drive me nuts, but you can't.
Claire: He can't actually hear you unless you open the lid.
Jay: I still can't figure out the meaning of "Follow the path!" I'm gonna need you to call Shirl and find out why her father's been torturing me.
Claire: You call her!
Jay: That's not an option. She's a greasy slimebucket, just like her father. And for some reason, she doesn't like me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Look, I'm just glad you came to me.
Manny: I didn't. You caught me here.
Phil: 'cause I don't want Claire freaking out about this. Luke's phone is going straight to voicemail. Someone's got a sock on the digital doorknob.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: He was around here last night. He apparently went off with a girl from this neighborhood. We just haven't been able to reach him since.
Mumford: Do you know the girl's name?
Manny: No. Uh, something Latin-y.
Gloria: What happened to you? You used to be Latin-y.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Ay, Phil, are you okay?
Phil: Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation why Luke would abandon a make-out session. No, there isn't. A Dunphy man would never do that. We walk away from fights, we walk away from spiders, but never a super-cute girl who smells like frosting!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You have to stay positive. Nothing bad ever happens this close to a Pottery Barn.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [v.o.] As young men, we'd hike this path up to an old oak tree, where we'd brainstorm how to conquer the closet universe. We foolishly thought that we knew everything back then. But hopefully, I've learned a few things through the years. Like, live today as if there's no tomorrow that it's not too late to right past wrongs, and when things are looking down, look up or take chances you never imagined you would.
[flashback:]
Jay: "You stupid softy, I knew you'd do it. Did you try to do something special? Was it at sunset? It was at sunset, wasn't it? Sucker. I win. See you in hell." I look forward to that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Yeah, but I, uh, I'm just asking, but was imagining it more fun?
Mitchell: Well, it was warmer.
Cameron: You know, I like looking forward to things. Carly Simon's big hit was "Anticipation", not "Remember That Cool Thing We Did".

Quote from Cameron

Max: Good morning, gentlemen.
Cameron: Hi.
Mitchell: Max, how'd you sleep?
Max: Oh, I love crashing here! This is just like college staying up too late, passing out on the couch, mean Asian chick down the hall.
Mitchell: Yeah. Where is Lily?
Cameron: I don't know. S-School, maybe?
Lily: I'm right here.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We met Max in Amsterdam on what we thought was a tour of pottery cafes, so I don't remember much about it, but I do remember thinking he was the funniest person I've ever met. And we told him if he ever came into town, that he had to stay with us. And I-I-I'm so glad he said yes because I remember being really, uh, paranoid that he didn't like me.

Quote from Cameron

Max: You two, get out of here. I'm gonna whip us up some breakfast. Oh! Oof. Whoo! My head feels like the Hindenburg. [laughter]
Mitchell: Oh, come on! [whispering to Cameron] I feel like he was funnier in Europe.
Cameron: Yeah.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell! Look!
Mitchell: Our crazy-expensive bottle of wine? I uh- We were saving this for the perfect occasion.
Cameron: Okay, well, he must've drank it after we went to bed. Who does that? Just drinks somebody's most expensive bottle of wine without asking? Okay, it's a hate crime.
Mitchell: How is it a hate crime?
Cameron: Because I hate him.

Quote from Cameron

Max: I'm gonna go, okay? But, guys, don't defer enjoyment, 'cause you never know when you're gonna bite it. I say, make every night special.
Mitchell: Okay, well, that's a that's a fun philosophy, but not everyone can follow that, okay? 'Cause- 'Cause we have responsibilities. We have- We have budgets. We have a daughter, you know. Where is our daughter?
Cameron: I don't know. Backyard, maybe?
Mitchell: Maybe.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Phil, this was a pretty rough neighborhood.
Phil: Tell you what, if it makes you feel better, we'll go down there and look around for him.
Manny: We're gonna need backup serious backup.
[cut to Gloria stepping out the car with Phil and Manny:]
Gloria: Okay, be cool. I used to live in this neighborhood. If you act tough, nobody will mess with you.
Bearded man: Hey! Would you like to try a cruelty-free alkaline-water snow cone?
Gloria: What?
Bearded man: Free sample. You can get a larger one down at our stand. We also refurbish tubas.
Gloria: No, thank you. What happened to my neighborhood?
Bearded man: Have the best day.
Gloria: White people with beards they ruined everything.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Why would you even say that this place was dangerous?
Manny: It was a lot scarier at dark. There was jazz.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, what's this building's number? I'm trying to Postmates a smoothie.
Alex: Shh!

Quote from Haley

Professor Arvin Fennerman: You, with the phone! What's your name?
Alex: Alex Dunphy.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Ms. Dunphy, is my story of saving the world whilst accidentally creating three new elements boring you?
Alex: Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm so sorry, Professor. Nothing you could say would ever bore me. I revere you. I actually went as you last year for Halloween.
Haley: Okay, it's my phone. Don't blame my sister. [answers phone] Hey, Chelsea. Gonna have to call you back. [gasps] Shut up! Shut up!
Alex: Shut up!

Quote from Haley

Professor Arvin Fennerman: Excuse me, Chelsea's friend. Y-You don't look like one of my students.
Haley: Oh, thank you! That is so sweet.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: No. Why are you here?
Haley: Oh, I have a really big job interview today, and I need someone to look over what I wrote for my-
Alex: Yeah, we're going. I'm taking her out. I am so sorry.
Haley: What? He asked. You're being rude.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Actually, do you have any sources for antique pineapple knobs? We're doing this whole colonial line-
Shirl Chambers: Ooh, I bet you Lazlo would know. He's our lead designer.
Claire: Everybody knows who Lazlo is. He's a legend.
Shirl Chambers: Yeah, and my only employee worth a damn. Robot workers. Now, that's the future.
Claire: Right! They work 24/7, and you don't have to buy them a birthday cake.
Shirl Chambers: Yeah, and as they become more human, you can be like, "Hey, you, come into my office", and then you just go to town on them.

Quote from Manny

Mumford: Can you describe her?
Manny: - Brown hair, high cheekbones-
Gloria: What is he gonna do, build her out of Legos?
[later:]
Manny: Huh, that is surprisingly effective.

Quote from Phil

Poet: Wait a minute. I know that girl. I think she works at a cupcake shop.
Phil: Great. Where is it?
Poet: Well, I'm not sure which one because we have four. There's Cupcakes! with an exclamation point, there's vegan cupcakes at Cupfakes, there's Pupcakes, which sells cupcakes for dogs, and then there's Rick's VCR Repair.
Lazlo: Oh, they make the best cupcakes.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, is it is it is it possible that we're actually enjoying ourselves and and that Max was right?
Cameron: Maybe we do defer enjoyment.
Mitchell: All those unspent frequent flyer miles, the boots that I have waited so long to wear that they're no longer in style, the the the surfboards that we've never used because it just "had to be the perfect beach day".

Quote from Jay

Claire: Why are you always in my office?
Jay: I do my best work in here. [sighs] I've been trying to get into his head. I even brought his favorite lunch shrimp cocktail and bourbon.
Claire: Or that's just what you have for lunch every day.
Jay: That's another thing Earl stole from me!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Let me ask you a question. Did you tell her we're bidding on Belmont Gardens?
Claire: No. Why?
Jay: Because 15 minutes ago, I got a phone call saying just out of the blue, Closets Closets Closets Closets is bidding against us. Did she see your proposal?
Claire: Yes, Dad! I'm quite sure she rifled through my bag when I was in the bathroom.
Jay: You went to the bathroom? Why don't you just give her the company?!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Bingo! Ketchup!
Claire: What does that prove?
Jay: Did she have ketchup for lunch?
Claire: She had French fries.
Jay: There's your smoking gun. Margaret? I'm gonna need fries and ketchup to get in Shirl's head.

Quote from Claire

Margaret: Um, bad news. Uh, we finally tracked down those pineapple knobs, but they were all just bought up by Closets-
Claire: No.
Margaret: Closets
Claire: No, Margaret!
Margaret: Closets Closets.
Claire: [sighs] Shirl screwed me.

Quote from Alex

Professor Arvin Fennerman: Hello.
Alex: Sorry! Hello, Doctor. Would you like down sit?
Haley: What?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Kind, that's very you of, Alex.

Quote from Haley

Professor Arvin Fennerman: Um, tell me again, why were you in my class?
Haley: I have a very big interview with Nicole Rosemary Page, and she was just-
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Ugh! You know she's a snake oil salesman, right?
Haley: Yes, I know. People complain about the diarrhea all the time, but that is the point.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Her science is utter nonsense. I mean, space stickers that give you energy, and crystals that absorb Wi-Fi, and seriously $1,200 socks?
Haley: Those sheep eat nothing but sushi.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Are we done here?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Surprisingly, not.
Haley: This might sound crazy, but I'm going to marry you.
Alex: What?!
Haley: I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it. Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, and and they all end with us [inhales] together.
Haley: I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but-
Professor Arvin Fennerman: Oh, I have plenty of those. Um, are you a neuro-electrical current because you've been running through my mind all day? But th-th-that's not what this is. This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
Haley: Ew, how do you know my name?
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I know everything. Also, your pass has your name written on it.
Alex: I think I'm gonna pass out.

Quote from Phil

Luke: [hoarsely] Hey!
Phil: Luke! You're okay!
Luke: I got stuck on the roof.
Phil: [laughing] I'm so relieved! I don't have to kill your mother!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Turns out, Luke had to go to the bathroom. Someone told him it was upstairs, so he walked all the way up to the roof and locked himself out. His phone was dead, and he he lost his voice trying to scream over the street musicians. I was so relieved, I ran up there and gave him a big kiss.
[flashback:]
Phil: Gloria! Hi. We're stuck. Could you pop on up and open the door?
Gloria: [sighs] Dunphy men.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hello, Lazlo.
Lazlo: It's pronounced "Lazlo".
Jay: That's what I said.
Claire: Thank you so much for meeting with us. Have you had a chance to consider our offer to join Pritchett's Closets?
Lazlo: I'm intrigued, but I have a list of demands.
Claire: Ah, yes, of course. We have, uh [clears throat] uh, "Two turquoise bowls of white Chiclets, an empty office with a drain in the floor". What's a "scream room"?
Lazlo: I think that's self-explanatory.
Shirl Chambers: Pritchett!
Jay: Girl Earl!

Quote from Claire

Shirl Chambers: You're actually trying to poach Lazlo from me? I thought we were friends.
Claire: We were, and then you bought all my pineapple knobs.
Shirl Chambers: As a gift!
Claire: What?
Shirl Chambers: I had them sent to you.
Claire: You did?
Jay: Don't listen to her. This is all part of some sick plan. Stealing Claire's proposals, Earl's urn to get in my head. But your little games are not gonna work.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah, how do you explain the red ketchup stains on my proposal, French Fries?
Shirl Chambers: I never use ketchup. I like my fries the way I like my Lazlo, undressed.
Lazlo: Twiddle-Dee.
Claire: You guys have a really complicated relationship.

Quote from Claire

Jay: What is she up to?
Claire: No, no. Your crazy conspiracy theories just cost me a friend. I thought I'd finally found an an ally in this industry, somebody to to climb the hill with.
Jay: Up the hill! Oh, my God! That's it!
Claire: No, no, you do not get to have an epiphany right now! I am furious at you!
Lazlo: The answer is yes.

Quote from Haley

Nicole Rosemary Page: [melodramatically] People say that NERP is nothing more than a con job, a cash-grab vanity project from a kooky actress. Ugh.
Haley: Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a question?
Nicole Rosemary Page: No.
Haley: Oh, okay.
Nicole Rosemary Page: But is it true? They don't tell me things.
Haley: Who's "they"?

Quote from Haley

Nicole Rosemary Page: See, I don't see NERP as, like, a business. It's more, like, a kind of-
Haley: Like a way of life! Me too!
Nicole Rosemary Page: Walt Disney once envisioned a magical world and people told him he was mad. They called it "Walt's Folly." But you know what that place became?
Haley: Disneyland.
Nicole Rosemary Page: That was not a question.
Haley: Oh, I- I'm sorry.
Nicole Rosemary Page: [whimpering] That place is Disneyland.
Haley: What?! That's crazy. Didn't see it coming.

Quote from Haley

Nicole Rosemary Page: I want to turn NERP into the next Disney-Facebook-Tesla-Botox. It's a world changer. It's a road map to the future. [upset] That was a question!
Haley: Oh.

Quote from Haley

Nicole Rosemary Page: Alright, listen. I really liked your writing sample, it's true. But [sighs] we have a lot of candidates with more experience and famous-er parents, so fly away, little birdie. Flap. Flap, flap.
Haley: Okay, thank you. Nicole? You and me this is gonna happen.
Nicole Rosemary Page: Excuse me? There are forces in the universe that we don't understand. They can't be explained, but they cannot be denied, and that is what this is. I don't- I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
Nicole Rosemary Page: Oh, my God! That is just what I said to all of those haters who told me that my crystal energy stickers did not improve your colon health. Uh! Crazy. They do if you, you know...
Haley: Yeah. So, um, does that mean that I will see you Monday morning?
Nicole Rosemary Page: Let's make it Tuesday 'cause I like to spend Mondays in a flotation tank.

Quote from Haley

Professor Arvin Fennerman: Right, I've just air-dropped my contact info to your phone. Um, you just tap to accept it.
Haley: Uh, yeah, not gonna tap that.
Professor Arvin Fennerman: I think you will. Haley, there are forces in the universe that we don't understand measurable forces that can't be explained, but cannot be denied and that's that's what this is. I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
Haley: Wow! [laughing] That was so dumb!


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