Phil: I've been putting on a brave face to squash the darkness inside of me, but what if the worst has happened? How will I tell Claire? I won't. I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain, but then Jay will have lost a daughter. I'll have to smother him, too. That's two pillows from the same set. It's a pattern. The police are after me!

Mitchell: I can't believe it's almost gone.
Cameron: Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice once early on election night and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture.
Mitchell: I know. It's been a rough year.

Jay: [aside to camera] Earl Chambers, my former business partner-turned dumbass nemesis, bought the old horizontal wardrobe. For you closet non-pros, that means he died. Then last week, I received this urn and this note. "You know what to do with my ashes. Follow the path." What the hell does that mean?

Manny: Luke and I went to a sketchy neighborhood for tacos last night, and he disappeared, and I haven't seen him since.
Phil: What? Where did you see him last?
Manny: He went off with this girl.
Phil: With a girl?
Manny: Yeah.
Phil: [laughs] Manny. Let me tell you a little something about Dunphy men. When we come into contact with a lady, we leave her with a burning sensation. Let me try that again. Um... When a Dunphy man sees a sexy skirt, he's just gotta get in it. No!

Shirl Chambers: Claire, I'm so glad you called. How come we've never done this before?
Claire: Because we were born into a feud. Hatfields and McCoys, the Sharks and Jets, the the closet lunatic and the closet idiot.

Haley: Could you please just read my sample? This job is important to me. This is my one shot at a real career.
Alex: Fine, I'll read it. And "real career"? I've seen this NERP business. Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers. Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism?
Haley: No. Turns out there are no laws against eating your own appendix, and it does help with fine lines. But she's a success story. Child star, Bond girl, indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme.
Alex: Don't you mean Ponzi scheme?
Haley: Sadly, no.

Mitchell: Uh, first you open up our $400 bottle of wine, now it's our $200 tin of caviar. We were saving those.
Max: For what?
Cameron: A celebration, like-
Max: What about when "Moonlight" won the Oscar?
Cameron: Okay, it was a big moment for the community, yes...

Jay: [v.o.] As young men, we'd hike this path up to an old oak tree, where we'd brainstorm how to conquer the closet universe. We foolishly thought that we knew everything back then. But hopefully, I've learned a few things through the years. Like, live today as if there's no tomorrow that it's not too late to right past wrongs, and when things are looking down, look up or take chances you never imagined you would.
[flashback:]
Jay: "You stupid softy, I knew you'd do it. Did you try to do something special? Was it at sunset? It was at sunset, wasn't it? Sucker. I win. See you in hell." I look forward to that.

Jay: [to the urn] You think you can drive me nuts, but you can't.
Claire: He can't actually hear you unless you open the lid.
Jay: I still can't figure out the meaning of "Follow the path!" I'm gonna need you to call Shirl and find out why her father's been torturing me.
Claire: You call her!
Jay: That's not an option. She's a greasy slimebucket, just like her father. And for some reason, she doesn't like me.

Phil: Look, I'm just glad you came to me.
Manny: I didn't. You caught me here.
Phil: 'cause I don't want Claire freaking out about this. Luke's phone is going straight to voicemail. Someone's got a sock on the digital doorknob.