[aside to camera:]
Dylan: It took us a while, but we finally named our babies.
Haley: This is Poppy, because that's my favorite flower.
Dylan: And this is George, because he came out looking curious. You know, like Boy George.

Jay: Listen, normally I would just cook up some fake reason why you couldn't direct it, but in this case, I have a real excuse. Your old girlfriend, Sherry, is the voice of Stella.
Gloria: Jay, how could you? After she broke his heart when she got repulsed by the idea of getting married to him?
Manny: More overwhelmed than repulsed, as I remember it.
Jay: She's already on our website as Stella's voice. Changing that now could be jarring for our fans. Like when they made my GPS lady British. I'd rather be lost than talked down to by a snob!

Haley: What do you have against my book?
Claire: It is called "Your Parents Did Everything Wrong."
Haley: Dr. Goode is a celebrated pediatric life coach. And can you tone down the negativity? Chapter six says that it can cause an allergy to peanuts.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Luke: Oh, man, no kid should grow up without Snoopy.

Cameron: [singing] With a banjo on my knee
Lily: [to Mitchell] I don't care what these kids did. This is cruel.
Mitchell: I know.

Phil: [singing] When the rates fall They will refi And that's the Realtor's lullaby

Claire: Haley, I know that you are committed to breastfeeding and the book, but I think it's time that you considered formula. It will help the babies sleep, and the pediatrician said it is perfectly healthy.
Phil: I'm living proof. I was a formula baby... Had a full set of teeth at six months.

Gloria: Why, Manny? Do you want to direct it?
Manny: Why not? Some of our best artists started out making commercials. Am I better than Spike Jonze or Guillermo del Toro?
Joe: Nope.

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Cam asked me to speak to his students as an Assistant DA, give them the perspective of law enforcement. Truth is, I have been looking for an opportunity to show off my new badge. Even the most hardened criminals shudder when they get a gander at... [drops badge] Ohh! Please don't be scratched!

Cameron: A vice principal that plays rock 'n' roll. Am I a little different? Yes, I am. I'm not like the other adults in your life that are just waiting for you to mess up so they can point the finger at you. I don't want to finger a bunch of kids. That's not how I get my jollies.
Mitchell: [quietly] Cam. Cam.
Cameron: I know what it's like. I had issues in school, and I was fingered left and right. And let me tell you, it did not feel good. Oh, Mitchell, should we be recording this?
Mitchell: Oh, yes, no one's gonna believe me.

Haley: Dad, isn't the drugstore that way?
Phil: It is, but there's construction, so I got to... got to go around.
Haley: Is it warm in here?
Phil: I feel fine. You know, uh, I just discovered this new station called "Winds of the World." Ooh, this is... this is a good one. If you close your eyes, it feels like you're right there in, um... "Open Prairie." [nature sounds play] Try it. You should get some rest back there.
Haley: I'm not sleepy.
Phil: Well, you don't have to sleep. Just, uh... Just rest your eyes.
Haley: Uch. I don't wanna.
Phil: You are just grumpy 'cause you're overtired.
Haley: [whining] Stop saying I'm tired!
Phil: Okay. I know. Let's make a list of all the things we want to do tomorrow. I am, uh... I'm gonna have some waffles, uh, go outside, uh, make a list of all my friends' names. [Haley yawns] There's, uh, the mailman the lady with the ice cream... house... [Phil yawns]