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‘New Kids on the Block’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: New Kids on the Block

1101. New Kids on the Block

Aired September 25, 2019

Haley is determined to follow the advice in her parenting books with the twins, but Phil and Claire think their old methods are better. Meanwhile, Manny is set to direct Jay’s dog bed commercial in the hopes of winning his ex-girlfriend back.

Quote from Dylan

[aside to camera:]
Dylan: It took us a while, but we finally named our babies.
Haley: This is Poppy, because that's my favorite flower.
Dylan: And this is George, because he came out looking curious. You know, like Boy George.


Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, normally I would just cook up some fake reason why you couldn't direct it, but in this case, I have a real excuse. Your old girlfriend, Sherry, is the voice of Stella.
Gloria: Jay, how could you? After she broke his heart when she got repulsed by the idea of getting married to him?
Manny: More overwhelmed than repulsed, as I remember it.
Jay: She's already on our website as Stella's voice. Changing that now could be jarring for our fans. Like when they made my GPS lady British. I'd rather be lost than talked down to by a snob!

Quote from Luke

Haley: What do you have against my book?
Claire: It is called "Your Parents Did Everything Wrong."
Haley: Dr. Goode is a celebrated pediatric life coach. And can you tone down the negativity? Chapter six says that it can cause an allergy to peanuts.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Luke: Oh, man, no kid should grow up without Snoopy.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: [singing] With a banjo on my knee
Lily: [to Mitchell] I don't care what these kids did. This is cruel.
Mitchell: I know.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [singing] When the rates fall They will refi And that's the Realtor's lullaby

Quote from Phil

Claire: Haley, I know that you are committed to breastfeeding and the book, but I think it's time that you considered formula. It will help the babies sleep, and the pediatrician said it is perfectly healthy.
Phil: I'm living proof. I was a formula baby... Had a full set of teeth at six months.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Why, Manny? Do you want to direct it?
Manny: Why not? Some of our best artists started out making commercials. Am I better than Spike Jonze or Guillermo del Toro?
Joe: Nope.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Cam asked me to speak to his students as an Assistant DA, give them the perspective of law enforcement. Truth is, I have been looking for an opportunity to show off my new badge. Even the most hardened criminals shudder when they get a gander at... [drops badge] Ohh! Please don't be scratched!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: A vice principal that plays rock 'n' roll. Am I a little different? Yes, I am. I'm not like the other adults in your life that are just waiting for you to mess up so they can point the finger at you. I don't want to finger a bunch of kids. That's not how I get my jollies.
Mitchell: [quietly] Cam. Cam.
Cameron: I know what it's like. I had issues in school, and I was fingered left and right. And let me tell you, it did not feel good. Oh, Mitchell, should we be recording this?
Mitchell: Oh, yes, no one's gonna believe me.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Dad, isn't the drugstore that way?
Phil: It is, but there's construction, so I got to... got to go around.
Haley: Is it warm in here?
Phil: I feel fine. You know, uh, I just discovered this new station called "Winds of the World." Ooh, this is... this is a good one. If you close your eyes, it feels like you're right there in, um... "Open Prairie." [nature sounds play] Try it. You should get some rest back there.
Haley: I'm not sleepy.
Phil: Well, you don't have to sleep. Just, uh... Just rest your eyes.
Haley: Uch. I don't wanna.
Phil: You are just grumpy 'cause you're overtired.
Haley: [whining] Stop saying I'm tired!
Phil: Okay. I know. Let's make a list of all the things we want to do tomorrow. I am, uh... I'm gonna have some waffles, uh, go outside, uh, make a list of all my friends' names. [Haley yawns] There's, uh, the mailman the lady with the ice cream... house... [Phil yawns]

Quote from Claire

Haley: How could you sneak behind my back like that?
Phil: Honey, we were just trying to help.
Haley: Well, you didn't. The book says 85% of pacifier users grow up to be cat people.
Claire: I can't believe I'm saying this, but you need to stop reading.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, everybody has instincts.
Haley: Oh, do I? Because I keep waiting for them to kick in, and they haven't. And I don't think that they ever will. I just... Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom.
Claire: Sweetie, of course you're meant to be a mom. Listen, it is normal to feel overwhelmed. Really. It... The best parents are the ones who worry they're doing it wrong.
Phil: Same goes for lovers.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Wait, are the babies still on the couch?
Claire: Oh, I'm sure they're fine.
Haley: It's locked. Babies start rolling over at this age. Do you have a key?
Phil: Uh, it's inside, but I hid one out here years ago. It's in, um... [whispers] It's in a fake rock. Can't... Can't find it. It's... It's too realistic. Why did I spring for the good one?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Garbage. That's what I'm looking at here. Human garbage.
Carlos: Yeah, you're right. It's just like my mom says... I'm nothin'. I'm gonna join a gang, get a face tattoo.
Suzie: I'm gonna sell my hair for nose drugs.
Mitchell: No, okay, stop! I-I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry. I threw away the statue. It was... It was just so tacky. You guys, please don't give up on yourselves, okay? You have very bright futures.
Cameron: Yeah, you're right. They sure do... in theater. Because this is the theater group from school, The Emotivations! [laughter] Bravo! Brava! I found this in the trash the other day. I knew you put it there and wouldn't admit it. So I brought some very talented young thespians over to portray at-risk youth.
Derek: He got you, girl!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: You know, I said I wanted to bond with these kids, and I sure did. We had some hard-core bondage.
Mitchell: You're gonna get fired.

Quote from Haley

Haley: George, please! Why are they still crying? Do you think they know they're chubby?

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