Claire: Oh, God. Honey, are you sure you're okay? It's Saturday night. You're drinking wine in your bathrobe with a come-from-nowhere cat.
Alex: What's wrong with that? Take away the cat, and I'm basically you.

Rainer Shine: My God, look at those winds. They must register at least a on the Beaufort Scale. Think of all the sun roofs left open. Think of all the freshly blown-out hair de-volumizing. How could I not see this coming?
Haley: Rainer.
Rainer Shine: Is this the only thing I was off about today?
Haley: What do you mean?
Rainer Shine: Well, let's face it, Haley. I did not think this through. I mean, where are we gonna live? My place only has one walk-in closet, which would stay mine. And how's my daughter gonna feel about us getting married? Are you gonna want to have children? Can I even have more children? [whispering] I've spent a lot of time in tanning beds.
Haley: Um, I think you're spinning a little. Look, sometimes when I'm reorganizing my closet, I feel overwhelmed, like I'm never gonna get through it all. So I force myself to look at things in smaller sections. I arrange five pairs of shoes at a time. Twelve hours later, I'm done. So, that's what we'll do. We'll take things five years at a time.
Rainer Shine: In five years, I'll be 50.
Haley: What?
Rainer Shine: What did you think 45 + 5 plus was?
Haley: Well, until today, you were 44, which I had basically convinced myself was 40, and now suddenly we're talking about 50, which is basically 60.

Mitchell: Cam, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. If we're gonna have any chance of getting to Dallas and then surviving there, we are going to need hats.
Cameron: Hats. Hats.
Mitchell: Excuse me, sir, sir, sir, sir, are you the proprietor of this haberdashery? Can you point me in the direction of your finest sports caps?
Sales associate: What team?
Cameron: Gay. I'm not sure why that's relevant.

Guy: Hey, everyone, we are firing up the hologram to the Starship Enterprise in five minutes. Be there or be square.
Claire: I don't think he had to "or" that one.
Claire: You know, honey, now that we're here, I'm not sure it's such a great idea to barge in on Alex.
Phil: Claire, I'm worried. She's not returning texts. Her friend says she never goes out. This is the first act of every Lifetime movie about college girl meltdowns.
Claire: Yeah, but maybe we should give her a little head's up.
Phil: That's what Alicia Silverstone's mom, Judith Light, thought in "From Straight A's to a Straight Jacket."

Alex: Aww, there you are.
Claire: You got a cat?
Alex: It's not mine.
Phil: You stole a cat? [whispers] Just like Neve Campbell in "From Yale to Jail."

Jay: Speed it up, Manny. The movie starts in five minutes.
Manny: Sorry, but I'm not going over miles an hour with this cappuccino machine not strapped in. Once I perfect my foam art skills, my freshman dorm will be the place to be.
Jay: I think we can put off that talk about using protection.

Manny: I'm just gonna pull in here. $12 bucks? No wonder the middle class is so angry.

Manny: Put on blinker, check mirrors, watch jerk steal your spot, regret quitting karate in the fourth grade.

Rainer Shine: Oh, you've made me the happiest man in the world.
Haley: I don't know how to say this without sounding superficial, but I need a closer look at this ring.
Rainer Shine: Yeah, sit down, sit down. It was my grandmother's. She hid it in her hollowed-out wooden foot during the Great Depression.
Haley: So crazy, my grandmother's on Snapchat.

Cameron: I'm just so tired. I'm so very tired. I just need to close my eyes. [Mitchell slaps Cameron across the face] Oh!
Mitchell: Knock it off!
Cameron: Ow!
Mitchell: You're gonna suck it up. You're gonna pull your act together. And you're coming with me to gate 32-32. That can't be right.