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‘Five Minutes’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Five Minutes

818. Five Minutes

Aired March 29, 2017

A lot can happen in five minutes: Mitchell and Cameron must race from one airport gate to another while dealing with the effects of the sleeping pills they took; Claire and Phil are in for a surprise when they drop by Alex's college dorm room unannounced; Manny struggles to find a parking space as Jay and Gloria disagree over her storytelling technique; and Haley and Rainer's relationship goes through the mill in the time it takes for a birthday cake to arrive.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Oh, God. Honey, are you sure you're okay? It's Saturday night. You're drinking wine in your bathrobe with a come-from-nowhere cat.
Alex: What's wrong with that? Take away the cat, and I'm basically you.


Quote from Haley

Rainer Shine: My God, look at those winds. They must register at least a on the Beaufort Scale. Think of all the sun roofs left open. Think of all the freshly blown-out hair de-volumizing. How could I not see this coming?
Haley: Rainer.
Rainer Shine: Is this the only thing I was off about today?
Haley: What do you mean?
Rainer Shine: Well, let's face it, Haley. I did not think this through. I mean, where are we gonna live? My place only has one walk-in closet, which would stay mine. And how's my daughter gonna feel about us getting married? Are you gonna want to have children? Can I even have more children? [whispering] I've spent a lot of time in tanning beds.
Haley: Um, I think you're spinning a little. Look, sometimes when I'm reorganizing my closet, I feel overwhelmed, like I'm never gonna get through it all. So I force myself to look at things in smaller sections. I arrange five pairs of shoes at a time. Twelve hours later, I'm done. So, that's what we'll do. We'll take things five years at a time.
Rainer Shine: In five years, I'll be 50.
Haley: What?
Rainer Shine: What did you think 45 + 5 plus was?
Haley: Well, until today, you were 44, which I had basically convinced myself was 40, and now suddenly we're talking about 50, which is basically 60.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. If we're gonna have any chance of getting to Dallas and then surviving there, we are going to need hats.
Cameron: Hats. Hats.
Mitchell: Excuse me, sir, sir, sir, sir, are you the proprietor of this haberdashery? Can you point me in the direction of your finest sports caps?
Sales associate: What team?
Cameron: Gay. I'm not sure why that's relevant.

Quote from Claire

Guy: Hey, everyone, we are firing up the hologram to the Starship Enterprise in five minutes. Be there or be square.
Claire: I don't think he had to "or" that one.
Claire: You know, honey, now that we're here, I'm not sure it's such a great idea to barge in on Alex.
Phil: Claire, I'm worried. She's not returning texts. Her friend says she never goes out. This is the first act of every Lifetime movie about college girl meltdowns.
Claire: Yeah, but maybe we should give her a little head's up.
Phil: That's what Alicia Silverstone's mom, Judith Light, thought in "From Straight A's to a Straight Jacket."

Quote from Phil

Alex: Aww, there you are.
Claire: You got a cat?
Alex: It's not mine.
Phil: You stole a cat? [whispers] Just like Neve Campbell in "From Yale to Jail."

Quote from Manny

Jay: Speed it up, Manny. The movie starts in five minutes.
Manny: Sorry, but I'm not going over miles an hour with this cappuccino machine not strapped in. Once I perfect my foam art skills, my freshman dorm will be the place to be.
Jay: I think we can put off that talk about using protection.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I'm just gonna pull in here. $12 bucks? No wonder the middle class is so angry.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Put on blinker, check mirrors, watch jerk steal your spot, regret quitting karate in the fourth grade.

Quote from Haley

Rainer Shine: Oh, you've made me the happiest man in the world.
Haley: I don't know how to say this without sounding superficial, but I need a closer look at this ring.
Rainer Shine: Yeah, sit down, sit down. It was my grandmother's. She hid it in her hollowed-out wooden foot during the Great Depression.
Haley: So crazy, my grandmother's on Snapchat.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I'm just so tired. I'm so very tired. I just need to close my eyes. [Mitchell slaps Cameron across the face] Oh!
Mitchell: Knock it off!
Cameron: Ow!
Mitchell: You're gonna suck it up. You're gonna pull your act together. And you're coming with me to gate 32-32. That can't be right.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: May I finish my story? So, I start following Sandra Bullock...
Jay: Not Sandra Bullock.
Gloria: Around the grocery store. She goes first to the frozen section, then she goes to the detergent aisle. I'm thinking to myself this whole time, "I am gonna go and introduce myself, but it has to be at the right time." So I keep following her. Eventually, she leaves the store. She goes outside, which was actually really hot to be January, because, remember, last year...
Jay: We know the month, we know the weather, we know it's not Sandra Bullock.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, I just caught a glimpse of our pilot, and he looks exactly like Sully. I-I think it is Sully.
Mitchell: I think that's a woman.
Cameron: No, it's a-
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Oh, I know what you're doing. You're testing the limits of my feminism. [chuckles] I will have you know that I am perfectly fine putting my life in the hands of a female pilot.
Male voice: [over tannoy] Hi, folks. This is your captain.
Cameron: Oh, thank God.

Quote from Cameron

Flight attendant: Okay, Mr. Pritchett, there is a connecting flight through Dallas that leaves in five minutes. You can catch it if you hurry.
Mitchell: I don't want to go to Dallas. We're going to Turks and Caicos.
Flight attendant: Dallas is just where you make your connection.
Mitchell: I'm sorry, I'm having a really hard time processing information right now.
Cameron: [whispering] We took sleeping pills.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Wait, no, my bag. My bag's gone.
Mitchell: Okay, okay.
Cameron: It has my passport in it. Wait, that guy, he has my bag. Excuse me, sir. Nice try stealing my bag. I see you've already painted it.
Mitchell: Cam, it- It's back on your shoulder!
Cameron: [to the guy] Oh, my God. You are good.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, I have a question for you. When you're outside the workplace, do you wear hats? Or does that just kind of make you feel like you're always in the office?

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