Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Five Minutes’ Quotes

Modern Family: Five Minutes

818. Five Minutes

Aired March 29, 2017

A lot can happen in five minutes: Mitchell and Cameron must race from one airport gate to another while dealing with the effects of the sleeping pills they took; Claire and Phil are in for a surprise when they drop by Alex's college dorm room unannounced; Manny struggles to find a parking space as Jay and Gloria disagree over her storytelling technique; and Haley and Rainer's relationship goes through the mill in the time it takes for a birthday cake to arrive.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Oh, God. Honey, are you sure you're okay? It's Saturday night. You're drinking wine in your bathrobe with a come-from-nowhere cat.
Alex: What's wrong with that? Take away the cat, and I'm basically you.

Rate

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. If we're gonna have any chance of getting to Dallas and then surviving there, we are going to need hats.
Cameron: Hats. Hats.
Mitchell: Excuse me, sir, sir, sir, sir, are you the proprietor of this haberdashery? Can you point me in the direction of your finest sports caps?
Sales associate: What team?
Cameron: Gay. I'm not sure why that's relevant.

Quote from Claire

Guy: Hey, everyone, we are firing up the hologram to the Starship Enterprise in five minutes. Be there or be square.
Claire: I don't think he had to "or" that one.
Claire: You know, honey, now that we're here, I'm not sure it's such a great idea to barge in on Alex.
Phil: Claire, I'm worried. She's not returning texts. Her friend says she never goes out. This is the first act of every Lifetime movie about college girl meltdowns.
Claire: Yeah, but maybe we should give her a little head's up.
Phil: That's what Alicia Silverstone's mom, Judith Light, thought in "From Straight A's to a Straight Jacket."

Quote from Phil

Alex: Aww, there you are.
Claire: You got a cat?
Alex: It's not mine.
Phil: You stole a cat? [whispers] Just like Neve Campbell in "From Yale to Jail."

Quote from Manny

Jay: Speed it up, Manny. The movie starts in five minutes.
Manny: Sorry, but I'm not going over miles an hour with this cappuccino machine not strapped in. Once I perfect my foam art skills, my freshman dorm will be the place to be.
Jay: I think we can put off that talk about using protection.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I'm just gonna pull in here. $12 bucks? No wonder the middle class is so angry.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Put on blinker, check mirrors, watch jerk steal your spot, regret quitting karate in the fourth grade.

Quote from Haley

Rainer Shine: Oh, you've made me the happiest man in the world.
Haley: I don't know how to say this without sounding superficial, but I need a closer look at this ring.
Rainer Shine: Yeah, sit down, sit down. It was my grandmother's. She hid it in her hollowed-out wooden foot during the Great Depression.
Haley: So crazy, my grandmother's on Snapchat.

Quote from Haley

Rainer Shine: My God, look at those winds. They must register at least a on the Beaufort Scale. Think of all the sun roofs left open. Think of all the freshly blown-out hair de-volumizing. How could I not see this coming?
Haley: Rainer.
Rainer Shine: Is this the only thing I was off about today?
Haley: What do you mean?
Rainer Shine: Well, let's face it, Haley. I did not think this through. I mean, where are we gonna live? My place only has one walk-in closet, which would stay mine. And how's my daughter gonna feel about us getting married? Are you gonna want to have children? Can I even have more children? [whispering] I've spent a lot of time in tanning beds.
Haley: Um, I think you're spinning a little. Look, sometimes when I'm reorganizing my closet, I feel overwhelmed, like I'm never gonna get through it all. So I force myself to look at things in smaller sections. I arrange five pairs of shoes at a time. Twelve hours later, I'm done. So, that's what we'll do. We'll take things five years at a time.
Rainer Shine: In five years, I'll be 50.
Haley: What?
Rainer Shine: What did you think 45 + 5 plus was?
Haley: Well, until today, you were 44, which I had basically convinced myself was 40, and now suddenly we're talking about 50, which is basically 60.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, I just caught a glimpse of our pilot, and he looks exactly like Sully. I-I think it is Sully.
Mitchell: I think that's a woman.
Cameron: No, it's a-
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Oh, I know what you're doing. You're testing the limits of my feminism. [chuckles] I will have you know that I am perfectly fine putting my life in the hands of a female pilot.
Male voice: [over tannoy] Hi, folks. This is your captain.
Cameron: Oh, thank God.

Quote from Cameron

Flight attendant: Okay, Mr. Pritchett, there is a connecting flight through Dallas that leaves in five minutes. You can catch it if you hurry.
Mitchell: I don't want to go to Dallas. We're going to Turks and Caicos.
Flight attendant: Dallas is just where you make your connection.
Mitchell: I'm sorry, I'm having a really hard time processing information right now.
Cameron: [whispering] We took sleeping pills.

Quote from Mitchell

Flight attendant: Just make your way over to gate 32.
Mitchell: Okay. Okay.
Cameron: [mouthing] Thank you.
Mitchell: I can... wow.
Cameron: Wait, why do these say "Dallas"?
Mitchell: I have no idea.
Cameron: Ma'am, sorry, there's been a horrible mistake. We don't want to go to Dallas.
Flight attendant: Okay. Listen carefully, you're connecting in Dallas to Turks and Caicos. You need to be at gate in four minutes, do you understand?
Cameron: Yes. I'm not an idiot. Okay, we have to be at gate 4 in 32 minutes.
Flight attendant: No, gate 32, write it down.
Mitchell: Okay. Wow.
Cameron: Why is she so angry?
Mitchell: Isn't it obvious? She's totally into me. She gave me a marker.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Wait, no, my bag. My bag's gone.
Mitchell: Okay, okay.
Cameron: It has my passport in it. Wait, that guy, he has my bag. Excuse me, sir. Nice try stealing my bag. I see you've already painted it.
Mitchell: Cam, it- It's back on your shoulder!
Cameron: [to the guy] Oh, my God. You are good.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, I have a question for you. When you're outside the workplace, do you wear hats? Or does that just kind of make you feel like you're always in the office?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, you know what, I think I am going to get these.
Cameron: No, Mitchell, we can't... Oh, look, little girls' hats. Ooh. We should get one for Linda.
Mitchell: Who?
Cameron: Um, our daughter?
Mitchell: No, it's Lily.
Cameron: Oh, I love that name.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell, why do you have 32 written on your arm?
Mitchell: I have no idea. Maybe it's some sort of code, or maybe it's my age. Do I look 32 to you? Tell me the truth. No, you know what don't.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: No, no, no. Cam, don't. Don't you dare. Don't. Don't you dare.
Cameron: No, I... they just look so soft and inviting. I- I don't think I can go on. Tell Linda I love her.
Mitchell: No, you're gonna tell Linda yourself, okay? I cannot go to Dallas without you. The portions there are so big.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I'm just so tired. I'm so very tired. I just need to close my eyes. [Mitchell slaps Cameron across the face] Oh!
Mitchell: Knock it off!
Cameron: Ow!
Mitchell: You're gonna suck it up. You're gonna pull your act together. And you're coming with me to gate 32-32. That can't be right.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Mitch and Cam. Hi! Hi! Hi, we're Mitch and Cam!
Cameron: I'm Mitch, he's Cam.
Gate attendant: Mr. Tucker, Mr. Pritchett, you made it just in time.
Mitchell: Okay. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. Lucy, her name is Lucy.
Cameron: We're coming home, Lucy!

Quote from Alex

Claire: You and Ben and... Honey, isn't he 50?
Alex: He's 26.
Ben: It runs in my family. I'm gonna look like this until the day I die.

Quote from Phil

Claire: He kissed me.
Alex: You kissed my mom?!
Phil: You kissed my wife?!
Ben: Dude, I thought I had to or I would lose my job, okay?
Claire: That's not... mnh-mnh.
Ben: That's for real. We were working late. It was just the two of us. She reached over to grab a spring roll, I guess. But she got right in my face, and she whispered, "Mmm, Mama's hungry."
Phil: I have to say, Claire, this one might be on you.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Maybe I like a little off. And that's not all he is. He's an amazing person who somehow gets me. He's thoughtful and smart, and... I feel like I can be myself around him. And his nose does this little wiggly thing when he sleeps.
Ben: [chuckles] You watch me sleep? Dude, I watch you sleep.
Alex: I'm really glad that this is finally out and I can tell people how I feel about you. I really like you, Ben. Like, a lot.
Ben: And I have never loved anyone as much as you.
Alex: Don't make this weird.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: That's the way I like to tell a story. I like to paint a picture.
Jay: A story should be short and simple. Don't tell me anything I don't need to know.
Gloria: I am taking you on a journey. I am not teaching you how to build a bookcase.
Manny: Seriously? You saw me waiting. You couldn't tell me you weren't leaving? You brought your own shopping bags, but you left your manners at home.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: A couple of weeks ago, I go to the grocery store, the one on Washington that has the tiny little wine bar to the right. So, I come in, I'm looking for paper towels. And I think, "Mmm, I'm gonna treat myself "with some wine and some cheese." 'cause why not? So, I order my drink, and when I look up, I thought I saw Sandra Bullock.
Jay: Stop. Right there, you just said you thought you saw Sandra Bullock. I already know the ending. It wasn't her. End of story.
Gloria: Yeah, but you don't even know who it really was.
Jay: I know it's not Sandra Bullock, so I'm not invested.
Manny: You know, I really loved her in that movie "Gravity."
Jay: Who cares? She wasn't there.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: May I finish my story? So, I start following Sandra Bullock...
Jay: Not Sandra Bullock.
Gloria: Around the grocery store. She goes first to the frozen section, then she goes to the detergent aisle. I'm thinking to myself this whole time, "I am gonna go and introduce myself, but it has to be at the right time." So I keep following her. Eventually, she leaves the store. She goes outside, which was actually really hot to be January, because, remember, last year...
Jay: We know the month, we know the weather, we know it's not Sandra Bullock.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [to a woman on the street] Are you leaving? I want your spot. [the woman starts running] Oh, please. Don't flatter yourself, lady.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Manny, are you listening?
Manny: No, sorry. I wasn't paying attention.
Jay: Because you're not holding his attention. And this is what I've been talking about, too many useless details. Get on with it.
Gloria: So, she turns around, she takes her sunglasses off, which was really weird, because it was the exact same pair that I bought last year that I lost on that plane ride...
Jay: Nobody cares about your sunglasses. Just get to the end.
Gloria: I don't want to now.
Jay: The woman turns to your mother and says, "Oh, my God. Are you Salma Hayek?"

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You know what, Jay, this is not about who tells the best story. This is about you jumping in that night like you just wanted me to stop talking because I was embarrassing you or something. You made me feel stupid. You think it's nothing, but you hurt my feelings.
Jay: Gloria, that's the last thing I meant to happen.
Gloria: You're just saying that. You don't really understand.
Jay: No, I'm sorry. Hell, I'm the last guy who wants to make somebody feel like they sound stupid. Did I ever tell you about the little boy from my neighborhood who stuttered? He was real self-conscious about it. What kid wouldn't be? At school, when the teacher would ask him a question, he tried so hard to get the words out, but it just wouldn't come. Rest of the kids stared at him, which only made the stuttering worse. They'd whisper behind his back and laugh. Finally, got to the point when the teacher called on him to answer a question, even if he knew the answer, he'd just say, "I don't know." Then the teacher would shake his head and say, "Next time, study harder, Jay."
Gloria: You were that little kid? So sad. That must have been very hard for you.
Jay: It was.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Man, I haven't thought about that in years.
Manny: That was really moving.
Jay: [whispering] 'Cause that's how you tell a story.

Quote from Haley

Rainer Shine: [thunder clap] That's odd.
Haley: What's wrong?
Rainer Shine: It's raining. I didn't predict that. I called for clear skies tonight.
Haley: Hmm. Ooh, should we order some champagne to celebrate?
Rainer Shine: I can't believe my forecast was wrong.
Haley: Oh, don't beat yourself up about it. If it helps, my weather app didn't predict rain either.
Rainer Shine: Your what?
Haley: Nothing.

Quote from Haley

Rainer Shine: Wait, wait. Why are you panicking? I'm the one who can't mess up another marriage. I mean, you mess up the first one, fine. It's a mulligan. But the second one fails, and suddenly I'm the problem. I lose my chance at being the spokesperson for Blue Monsoon Korean Energy Drink.
Haley: Let's just take a breath. It's natural to freak out a little bit. We're making a lifetime commitment. We're going to be together forever. [thunderclap] Just you and me. Forever.
Rainer Shine: You just said that.
Haley: [laughing] I know. Because... Because it's great. That's what every girl wants, right? I mean, sure, I'm still really young and there's obviously so much more I thought I'd do before I tied myself down to one person for the rest of my life. But does anyone ever truly feel ready to get married? I mean, probably.
Rainer Shine: Haley.
Haley: But it's not like I'm dying. I just won't be single anymore. I'll won't ever go on a first date again. I won't ever have a first kiss. I won't ever dance near a deejay booth hoping someone will like what they see and offer me a ride home. [whimpers] Oh, my. Is it, is it me or is it just crazy hot in here? Can somebody open a window, please?
Rainer Shine: No, no, they can't because, as I did not predict, it's raining outside.


 Episode 817 Episode 819 
  Select another episode