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‘Election Day’ Quotes

Modern Family: Election Day

319. Election Day

Aired April 11, 2012

The whole family rallies around to help Claire on Election Day: Mitch and Cam ride around in a "Claire-mobile", the Dunphy house turns into a phone bank, and Phil volunteers to collect elderly citizens and drive them to the polls.

Quote from Luke

Luke: All right. How about this? If you vote for Claire Dunphy, you won't have to pay taxes for the rest of your life.
Alex: Vote for Claire! [hanging up] Luke! What are you doing? You can't say that!
Luke: Oh, like she'd be the first politician to make a promise she can't keep.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Claire likes to win. When she was 8, a little Girl Scout friend of hers bragged she could sell the most cookies. Damn if Claire didn't walk the neighborhood till she got blisters on her feet and won by ten boxes. Best part is Claire wasn't even a Girl Scout.

Quote from Phil

Walt: Uh, we need to make a quick stop. I gotta pick up my new glasses.
Phil: No can do. I, uh I got a lot of people waitin', so-
Walt: It'll just take two minutes. I can't even see the ballot without my glasses. I mark the wrong box, next thing you know I'll be married to a guy.
Phil: Yeah, I- I don't think it's mandatory, Walt.
Walt: I'm a good dancer. They'll come for me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Look at what we do with movie stars. Okay. You know? Hugh Jackman. He sings, he dances, he's dreamy! So obviously we would want him on our team! But he's straight. Trust me, I know. I said hello to him once in a restaurant, and there was absolutely no chemistry.
Mitchell: Well, if that isn't proof.

Quote from Phil

Walt: The Greeks do one thing right, and it's lamb!
Phil: All right. Let's go vote.
Walt: Why the hell does your wife want to be a politician, anyway?
Phil: You heard her. She wanted to put up a stop sign at Bristol and Greenleaf, But then she ran into-
Walt: Wait, wait, wait! That's near where I live!
Phil: Yeah. We're neighbors. Let's go!
Walt: No way I'm voting for that! Too much government already. I didn't fight a war so some politician could tell me where I have to stop my car.
Phil: You don't even drive!
Walt: That's 'cause that Barack Obama took my license away.
Phil: I don't think he was involved in the decision!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Please stop filming.
Phil: I'm just excited! After today, you are going to be a councilwoman, and I am going to be a first husband.
Claire: And if you don't stop filming, you're going to be my first husband.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [over loud speaker] The choice is Claire! Vote Claire Dunphy for town council.
Claire: Aw, I love it!
Mitchell: What do you think, huh?
Claire: I love it.
Mitchell: We got it on Craigslist. [La Cucaracha plays] Came off a taco truck.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [over loud speaker] I can see Clairely now that Duane is gone.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Manny, write this down.
Manny: I didn't bring a pen.
Jay: Election day is America at its finest. The people speak, and the government listens. I don't know what they do in Colombia.
Gloria: No one does, and don't ask.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I mean, we know that voting's a privilege, but for my daughter to have her name on that ballot, it just means so much more- You know what? I think I'm gonna vote later.
Gloria: What? Where are you going?
Jay: Ah, the line is too long.
Gloria: It's only three people! And nobody has a gun!

Quote from Phil

Phil: No, she feels great. Um, her spirits are high. The whole family's high. There's your headline.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What happened back there?
Jay: Line was too long. I couldn't wait.
Gloria: I've seen you wait 45 minutes in line for sherbet!
Jay: Well, I happen to like sherbet, okay? That place I take you has the greatest sherbet on the West Coast. They got lime sherbet, they got coconut sherbet.
Gloria: Why are we talking about sherbet?
Manny: He's clearly changing the subject.
Jay: Why aren't you in school?
Manny: He's doing it again.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny's right. You're being very ardilla.
Jay: "Ardilla"?
Gloria: Yeah, you know, the- The one that- That-
Jay: Rabbit? I was being rabbit-y?
Gloria: No, another one with the cheeks and the tail and-
Jay: Chipmunk? Possum?
Manny: Okay, obviously she means squirrel. You were being squirrely then, you're being squirrely now.
Jay: Better than being a rat.
Gloria: Manny, give us a minute.
Manny: Oh, sure. I served him up on a silver platter.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Actually, I don't know how she took it, 'cause I wasn't there. We dated a few weeks, then after we, you know, I slipped out of her house before she woke up and never called her again. Put my pants on in her yard, put the car in neutral, let it roll down the driveway, lights off. Hey, I can't talk about this anymore.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: So because of this woman, you didn't vote for your daughter? It's Claire! We need her to win! I don't want to be around when something that tight comes unraveled.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Climb aboard the Dunphy Express. Next stop: democracy.
Walt: What? No, no-
Phil: Please don't go. I won't do that anymore. I promise.

Quote from Phil

Walt: What the hell's wrong with her? She sounds drunk!
Phil: It's a tooth thing.
Walt: [beeping] Uh-oh.
Phil: What's wrong?
Walt: Oh, I'm almost out of air. Oh, boy.
Phil: Is that serious?
Walt: Is oxygen serious?
Phil: You know what? I lost a ton of time getting your glasses. I'm just gonna drop you at home. You can get your air. I can drive other people.
Walt: I don't have any more tanks at home.
Phil: Why? That seems like bad planning.
Walt: Well, I forgot to order them. My pills make me forget things. Oh, shoot! I gotta take my pill!
Phil: Please tell me you have it with you.
Walt: Of course I do, but I have to take 'em with food. Don't I?
Phil: Are you asking me?
Walt: Uh, yes! I do take them with food! Ooh. I don't feel so well.
Phil: Okay, I'll get you whatever you want! I'll get you the air, I'll get you the food.
Walt: Then I'll vote for your drunk wife.
Phil: That is not her drunk voice!


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