Phil: Is that my banjo?
Claire: Mmm?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: When I met this little lady sitting next to me it was love at first sight. Yep, I've been noodling around on the ol' flyswatter for a couple of years now. I was inspired by the greats Scruggs, Kermit. It's hard to practice, though because it gets Claire so hot and bothered.

Phil: So, the doctor will see you in a few minutes.
Luke: Nice someone can see.
Phil: Glad to know your good eye can still roll. So still angry, huh?
Luke: Gee, why would I be angry? Because you insulted me, maimed me and belittled my achievements in the banjonic and trampolinic arts?

Haley: Alex! Okay, you need to drink this. I'll get a new one.
Alex: Is there vodka in here?
Haley: If there is it's not doing anybody any good until I get it in there.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: Michelangelo talked about chiseling beautiful sculptures out of marble. Well, my chisel is a Long Island Iced Tea and I use it to free the party girl from the block of nerd. Not all my sculptures are masterpieces.

Alex: What's the point? Get straight A's for 10 years, spend your summers building houses drag your cello to school every day, write the perfect essay. And for what? "No, thank you, Alex." "We don't want you, Alex."
Haley: Okay, you are drawing more attention to yourself than the guy wearing a ferret as a scarf.
Alex: I don't care anymore. I've spent my entire life trying to be perfect, and where did it get me? I am in a field with 6,000 idiots! [crowd cheers]
Haley: You know what? I think that this is a good thing for you.
Alex: Can you just spare me today?
Haley: No. You're obviously going to get into one of those snooty schools and sometimes you're gonna come in second or fourth or maybe even 10th. But you're gonna dust yourself off maybe put on some lipstick for once and keep going.
Alex: I'm allowed to feel bad about this, okay?
Haley: Look, you are a superstar. I've been saying since you were 10 you're gonna be on the Supreme Court.
Alex: Thanks. But for the record, I'm gonna be a scientist.
Haley: Lab coat, robe. As long as something's covering up your outfit, you're gonna be just fine.

Luke: You're still on that thing? What are you constantly looking at on your computer?
Alex: Is that a question you really want people asking around here?
Luke: Indeed, it is not.

Phil: Lucky for you, I've got time for a couple verses of "Shortnin' Bread."
Claire: No, no, no, no, no. It's in the box. It's leaving the house. I can never hear that awful thing again.
Phil: But you called me Banjovi.
Claire: I know. I did whatever was necessary to make it stop.
Phil: Wait. Does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke? It's not. Is it?

Mitchell: There's an e-mail from Lily's scout camp. I hope everything's okay.
Cameron: She's fine. Mitchell's nervous because he's not a camper. His idea of roughing it is a hotel stay where the cable doesn't get Bravo.
Mitchell: They should tell you that when you check in.
Cameron: Oh, boy.

Mitchell: Okay, here's a photo. Look. She's using the signal.
Jay: What signal?
Mitchell: The kids aren't allowed to call their parents but the camp sends out photos, so we have a code.
Cameron: Yeah, "we."
Mitchell: One finger, she's fine. Two fingers, she's unhappy. Look at this. Two fingers.
Jay: I don't look at pictures on a phone. If it's a good shot get a print, put it in an album.

Senor Kaplan: Oh, look at me. I can't command a stage. You- You have to take my place.
Cameron: We'll wheel you out onto stage.
Senor Kaplan: Oh, come on. We both know this song requires catlike movements.
Cameron: Someone get this man into fur and makeup.

Phil: [aside to camera] It was like the banjo was mocking me. [to tune of "Dueling Banjos"] You are not the man you used to be You get up four times at night to pee Ba-da-dum, ba bat da doot doot doo You're super-duper old now