Manny: And sorry if I'm distracted. It's cut day at CalArts. Half of the class isn't being asked back.
Gloria: Manny, my mother's intuition tells me that you have nothing to worry about.
Manny: It's just so cruel. I'm halfway to a playwriting degree and a minor in mask-making and they're just gonna throw me out on the street with no way to support myself?
Jay: As a wise man will say in about two hours, "Be grateful for the rocks life rolls in your path, for one day, you'll see them as stepping stones." I had that in my "maybe" pile. Trust yourself, Jay.

Alex: [aside to camera] So we were done with classes, done with finals, and, like college seniors since the beginning of time, we decided to get a little nuts.
[flashback:]
All: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
[v.o.:]
Alex: Our classmate Ashish Chug hacked his key card to get us access to the restricted section of the library. We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem. Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals one. This rendered mathematics meaningless and drove him insane. According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone who reads and understands the proof.

Mitchell: Oh, boy. Is it already the first day of livestock auction season again?
Cameron: It's the same day every year, Mitchell, a fortnight after the first ripe tomato comes in. And seriously? This is what passes for auction-calling these days?
Mitchell: Is it possible you're being a tad harsh?
Cameron: You know, when you've been at the top of your field... Greater Bug County Auction-Calling Champ three years running, it's hard to see anything but the inadequacies. It's why Baryshnikov couldn't watch others dance.
Mitchell: What? He was the Artistic Director of...
Lily: How long have you lived in this house?! It's gonna wind up being some pig named Baryshnikov or some damn thing.

Cameron: So, how was your trumpet lesson?
Mitchell: It was amazing. Yeah. Oh, these sessions just have really changed my life.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Technically, uh, not a lie. Uh, I started taking trumpet lessons two years ago. But then I noticed the place next door was offering massages for the same price, so... you know. And I felt bad relaxing while Cam was solo-parenting Lily. But... But we were both spending time with an Asian woman who walked all over us.

Cameron: [cellphone ringing] Oh, I have to take this. It's Superintendent Pierce. [answers phone] Hello, good sir.
To what do I owe this honor? [smiling] Oh, no. That's horrible.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: [excitedly] Principal Brown got into a car accident! Which means, as next in the line of succession, I get to preside over today's graduation. You know, this is why senior administration officials never travel together.

Cameron: "Jay Pritchett, Owl Killer"?! What the hell is this?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: The year was 1972. I landed a whale. Every closet on a Carnival Cruise ship. To make the numbers work, I needed a lot of cedar fast and cheap. I ended up cutting down a forest that happened to be the last habitat of the Golden Speckled Owl. You know, nobody talks about all the mice I saved. Nope! Just the owls.

Jay: Hey, hey, hey, I was humiliated much worse than you. It was so unfair. A lifetime of service out the window. You think I don't see the faces of owls every night I close my eyes?
Joe: At least you've accomplished something they can tear down. I'm a fraud!
Gloria: You see what you did to your brother? Look at those sad, hurt eyes.
Jay: Like a sad little owl.

Alex: If mathematics doesn't matter, then no one can be certain of anything, and I've just wasted the last four... no, sixteen years of my life, and there's no point in me graduating!
Claire: Okay, I can tell that you're very upset, and you're probably really overtired from finals. But you are gonna regret it if you don't go to graduation. Look, I promise, whatever is bothering you, figure it out after the ceremony...
Alex: After?!
Claire: Yes.
Alex: "After" implies "before"! But if one minute ago is the same as zero minutes ago, then before is now and now is after!
Haley: Usually when I hear people talking like this, we're walking through a Taco Bell drive-through.

Phil: Sweetie, half your life is having your mind blown. I remember when I heard there were more stars in the galaxy than grains of rice in a box of Uncle Ben's.
Alex: No, there are more galaxies than grains of sand on all the world's beaches.
Phil: [hyperventilating]

Manny: Well, maybe if you believed in your sons instead of giving everyone Colombian handshakes.
Gloria: What?! I've never sanded down a man's fingers in front of his family! Oh, you mean the bribes?
Manny: You can't deny it anymore. Look at this photo on my dean's Instagram. He's wearing the same watch you gave Sensei Ron.
Cameron: The superintendent was wearing that same watch. I-I noticed it when he shook my hand at the end of the ceremony and said I was a "horrifying disgrace."
Jay: You bribed him?! Is that how I got my speech?
Gloria: Okay, enough! I'm sure you would have gotten all these things on your own, but the world sometimes is very unfair! And the watches are like an insurance.
Manny: Why do you even have so many?
Gloria: Sometimes I do a little bit of Ambien shopping and I buy too much of one thing. Didn't you all wonder when you got the same fun socks for Christmas?