Luke: Why did he paint The Starry Night? Maybe because the sky is beautiful, and everybody likes looking at it, and it reminds us that something's up there watching over all of us- Aliens, who could be here in a second to liquefy us and use us as fuel. So wake up, people. We're next.
Alex: Mom! You better get down here!

Luke: [wearing noise-cancelling headphones] Wah! Wah! No one can hear me now. Whoo! Everybody is stupid except me. Ha, ha, ha. I am funny.

Phil: Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I. And I'm sorry, but I'm not a micromanager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without, uh, smothering him.
Claire: You think I smother our child?
Phil: It's not your fault, honey. "Mother" is part of the word. You never hear of anyone being "sfathered" to death.

Cameron: Make sure your seat is exactly the way you want it, and feel free to play with any of these controls up here. I have no idea what they do. But I want mi car to be su car.
Gloria: Cameron, are you okay? You seem nervous.
Cameron: Uh, nervous? No. I'm not nervous. [tapping steering wheel]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I was nervous. I mean, when Mitchell made plans with his father, I figured, why not spend the evening with Gloria? I've always wanted to be good friends with her. On paper, we should be good friends. Look at us. One spicy, curvy diva-
Mitchell: And Gloria.

Haley: [aside to camera] My mom's not dumb. You can't just ask her to do something for you. You have to very carefully put the cheese in the trap. ... And snap. Is it bad that I feel sorry for her?

Alex: I know what Luke's problem is. He's got A.D.H.D.
Claire: No.
Luke: No, I don't! What is it?
Alex: I'd tell you, but you'd wander off before I got to the "H." [Luke walks off]

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Tonight is the magnificent Lyrid meteor shower.
Cameron: It's where the planet Geek passes through the Nerdy Way. It- Oh, you know I think it's sweet. Every couple years, Mitchell and his father go out and enjoy one of these showers together.
Mitchell: Oh, I- I wouldn't necessarily put it that way. I mean, yes, me and my father enjoy it, because we don't share a lot of the same interests. Like, um, I-I never went to sports games with him.
Cameron: Probably because you call 'em "sports games." Just lose the "sports."
Mitchell: Just- Just games.

Cameron: [aside to camera] The problem is, I had a little minor setback that we had to overcome from a couple weeks ago.
[flashback:]
Cameron: I cannot stand hanging out with his lvy League friends.
Claire: Oh, they're the worst.
Mitchell: They're not that bad.
Claire: They are the worst!
Cameron: Are you kidding me? Debbie can't go two minutes without talking about Columbia University. And the little guy with the lazy eye from Harvard.
Mitchell: Brown.
Cameron: Whatever. Honestly, I wish that tart would go back to Columbia and take her weird little Brown friend with her.

Luke: So how do I start?
Phil: What do you think?
Luke: I don't know. Mom usually tells me what to do.
Phil: Join the club. I'm kidding. I love your mom.

Manny: Hey, Jay. Look who thinks Mercury is the densest planet in the solar system.
Mitchell: I take it from your mocking tone that I am incorrect.
Jay: Densest planet is Earth.
Manny: Which makes you the densest guy on the densest planet. Zing!