Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Clash of Swords’ Quotes

Modern Family: Clash of Swords

922. Clash of Swords

Aired May 16, 2018

Mitchell and Phil attend a sci-fi convention to see a panel about their favorite show, "Clash of Swords". Gloria's party for Joe is ruined when her nemesis, Dr. Donna Duncan, throws a bigger, better party next door. Meanwhile, Jay feels past it when Claire arranges a meeting with a start-up closet company.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Wow, this office is huge.
Jay: Just placed it. This used to be Schweinberg's department store. Wall of TVs over there. I almost knocked down the display of fondue pots when I saw they were letting Barbara Walters anchor the news.

Rate

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam's sister's son is staying with us because, well, you know, she's back in jail.
Cameron: But she didn't do anything terrible. She just didn't understand the rules of her probation from last time...
Mitchell: When she did something a little terrible.
Cameron: But we're taking baby Cal back to live with my parents on the farm. Which is a good thing because he's not really a a house baby.
Mitchell: No, no, he's freakishly strong and off the charts size-wise.
Cameron: On the charts. 99th percentile.
Mitchell: He has two teeth and I've seen him eat a whole chicken.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Phil and I are going to Hero-Con to indulge in our love of fantasy fiction. Um, I-I've always wanted to go, but i-it's a little nerd-forward, and I was always afraid my family would make fun of me. So I've asked Phil to keep it between us.
Phil: That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't ever Google that, by the way.
Mitchell: I already did.
Phil: This year, there's a panel, um, on our favorite show, "Clash of Swords." It's got a lot of graphic violence and female nudity, but that's part of its appeal to the fierce warrior inside every man.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Nope, she's out sick again. Oh, Dad, don't forget we're about to meet with those guys from that start-up.
Jay: Oh, right, aspiring closeteers seeking advice from an industry legend.
Claire: Yeah, just skip that part of your speech where you say "I didn't choose closets"
Jay: They chose me!

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: The only fun thing I have is that pyramid made out of- [gasps] Ay, Cam, look what your giant baby nephew did!
Cameron: Yeah, but you know, it's not his fault. He's three times the size of a child his age. And you know what, some Tucker boys have a young growth spurt that's no picnic. I had to go to court to play Little League.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Okay, no messy goodbyes, I'm out of here.
Gloria: Ay, papi, I'm going to miss you. Can you at least stay for the party that I'm making for Joe?
Manny: Mom, Mrs. Nussbaum is paying me to get her car to Delaware by Friday at noon. I already lost an hour looking for my driving gloves.
Jay: You're plowing through the heartlands in an inchworm-green Camry with a bumper sticker that says "Meat is Murder." I hid these gloves for a reason.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, uh, we weren't kidding about you being careful. And, uh, not to get dramatic, just keep your wits about you. Here.
Manny: What the hell is that?
Jay: It's an air freshener. What does it look like?
Manny: I'm going on the Martha Stewart bed-and-breakfast tour of America, not an Aboriginal manhood quest.
Jay: I'm not saying you're gonna need it, just better safe than sorry. Slash, don't stab.

Quote from Phil

Phil: My eyeliner keeps smudging. Thanks a lot, gal at the MAC counter.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Have you seen Margaret? I need her to clear my day. I just found out you can get the Golf Channel online.

Quote from Jay

Nick: We didn't know where to hang up our puffer vests, so we just dropped them on some rando's desk.
Claire: Hi. You must be the guys from EzraVision.
Nick: Yes, I am Nick. And these are my guys.
Jay: Jay Pritchett, obviously. Fellas, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Which one is gonna be holding the tape recorder?
Nick: You know what? Why don't we just make this quick? We actually have to go hang out in a bike shop that only plays Drake. So here's our offer, best and final.
Claire: Offer for what?
Nick: [chuckles] For your company. We want to buy you out.
Claire: I'm sorry, we thought that you were here to just, you know, get information.
Jay: Get out of here!
Claire: Dad, if you would just let me speak-
Jay: Who do you think you are, marching in here like a bunch of hotshots? And why is nobody wearing socks?!

Quote from Jay

Claire: Two get out of heres?
Jay: You believe these punks? I mean, what was with all this eye contact? In my day, nerds had the decency to stare at their shoes!

Quote from Jay

Claire: Their website looks legitimate. I mean, they've got some pretty great clients.
Jay: Wait a second, is that Margaret?
Claire: She's working there. They must have poached her.
Jay: Brainwashed her, is what they did. Margaret is very vulnerable. I've had to rescue her a bunch of times from cults and an Amway pyramid. Come on. Let's get our girl back!
Claire: You were all the way out of the Grand Canyon before you realized no one was on my donkey. But, sure, let's go save Margaret.

Quote from Haley

Manny: Hey, girl, hey!
Haley: I'm not going on your road trip.
Manny: What?
Haley: Luke told me that you've been hounding him because you don't want to drive cross-country alone.
Manny: Oh, I'm just trying to do you a favor. You're going to a conference in Memphis. It's only 12 hours out of my way.
Haley: Hey, no need to be afraid.
Manny: Afraid?
Haley: Manny, I'm a pretty girl who wears low-cut tops. I know what a scared 19-year-old boy looks like.

Quote from Claire

Jay: We're not here to sell. We're here to bring Margaret home. Who's Margaret?
Nick: Margie! Margie-Marge!
Jay: How did they get you? Are you still wandering around alone in pet stores? I've told you, that's the kind of person these cults target!
Margaret: I like it here. They have one of those machines that makes every kind of soda.
Claire: But you're diabetic. And a grown-up.

Quote from Claire

Nick: See, this is the future of closets automated, intelligent
Jay: That's what they said about the "mood closet" in the '70s, and I buried them.
Nick: Very cranky.
Claire: Yes, but he has earned the right to be cranky, because my father is a giant in this industry, and he had to skip his ice-cream sandwich today to come here.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought. There are so many eyes on me. I mean, yes, sure, less because of all the cyclopses, but still.

Quote from Alex

Manny: Huh. I couldn't help noticing a lot of loose hairs on your pillow and a stack of fully completed Sudoku books. Weren't you supposed to be taking it easy this summer? No school, no projects-
Alex: Yeah, I'm loving it.
Manny: What are the chances I open your dresser and find a calendar with three X'd out days and a giant red circle around the date school starts again?
Alex: You don't know me.
Manny: Look, you're facing a challenge that scares you, but you know in your heart you need to take it on. Because it'll help you grow and become a stronger, more balanced person.
Alex: Ugh. Of course I know you're right, but it's hard! People are out there discovering planets, and I'm in here doing BuzzFeed quizzes. Like if I were to be a Beatle, who would I be? I'd be Ringo. Who cares, Manny?! Manny?

Quote from Jay

Claire: Aw, Dad. I can't promise that you wouldn't feel old in that building, but from the outside looking in, I mean, you're the guy who's holding his own with kids a third his age. That makes you like the the Tony Bennett of closets.
Jay: I told you I took an elevator with him in Rome, right?
Claire: Yeah, you did. And you know what, in that building there's a bunch of people who have never heard that story. Did he have a Chihuahua with him?
Jay: A mink.
Claire: A mink?
Jay: A live mink. All class.

Quote from Ronaldo

Peter Pan: Where my Lost Boys at?!
Cameron: What the hell is this?! You said you were at a kid's Peter Pan party?
Ronaldo: No, no, no. I said, "Kit's Peter Pan party." It's his 11th time turning 50.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I wish I had that. I mean, I was a weird kid whose family only made him feel weirder. I mean, it took until today to do an adventure that I have wanted to do since I was Manny's age. I-I went to Hero-Con.
Cameron: Not in costume?
Mitchell: Affirmative, Fizbo.
Cameron: Okay, if this is something you're into, why haven't you ever told me?
Mitchell: I haven't told anyone. I mean, I tried with my mom once, but I chickened out and told her I was gay instead. And I-I wasn't even sure at that point.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, hurry up, we want to go home.
Jay: [o.s.] I can't get this damn thing to work!
Claire: Oh, no, is it one of those automatic sinks?
Phil: You know what? He should do a hard reboot. Go back to the urinal and reapproach.
Mitchell: What's going on in there?
Jay: [o.s.] I can't even get a trickle out of this thing!
Cameron: Oh, I find that thinking about it helps.
Claire and Gloria: It's the sink.
Jay: It makes no sense that I'm waving my arms like I'm directing a plane into a gate! He's gonna break it like he broke the remote control. Let's just go, the paper towels thing is automatic too. [Jay wipes his hands on Mitchell's sweater vest]


 Episode 921 Episode 1001 
  Select another episode