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42Quotes from ‘Clash of Swords’

Modern Family: Clash of Swords

922. Clash of Swords

Aired May 16, 2018

Mitchell and Phil attend a sci-fi convention to see a panel about their favorite show, "Clash of Swords". Gloria's party for Joe is ruined when her nemesis, Dr. Donna Duncan, throws a bigger, better party next door. Meanwhile, Jay feels past it when Claire arranges a meeting with a start-up closet company.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Wow, this office is huge.
Jay: Just placed it. This used to be Schweinberg's department store. Wall of TVs over there. I almost knocked down the display of fondue pots when I saw they were letting Barbara Walters anchor the news.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam's sister's son is staying with us because, well, you know, she's back in jail.
Cameron: But she didn't do anything terrible. She just didn't understand the rules of her probation from last time...
Mitchell: When she did something a little terrible.
Cameron: But we're taking baby Cal back to live with my parents on the farm. Which is a good thing because he's not really a a house baby.
Mitchell: No, no, he's freakishly strong and off the charts size-wise.
Cameron: On the charts. 99th percentile.
Mitchell: He has two teeth and I've seen him eat a whole chicken.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Phil and I are going to Hero-Con to indulge in our love of fantasy fiction. Um, I-I've always wanted to go, but i-it's a little nerd-forward, and I was always afraid my family would make fun of me. So I've asked Phil to keep it between us.
Phil: That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't ever Google that, by the way.
Mitchell: I already did.
Phil: This year, there's a panel, um, on our favorite show, "Clash of Swords." It's got a lot of graphic violence and female nudity, but that's part of its appeal to the fierce warrior inside every man.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Nope, she's out sick again. Oh, Dad, don't forget we're about to meet with those guys from that start-up.
Jay: Oh, right, aspiring closeteers seeking advice from an industry legend.
Claire: Yeah, just skip that part of your speech where you say "I didn't choose closets"
Jay: They chose me!

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: The only fun thing I have is that pyramid made out of- [gasps] Ay, Cam, look what your giant baby nephew did!
Cameron: Yeah, but you know, it's not his fault. He's three times the size of a child his age. And you know what, some Tucker boys have a young growth spurt that's no picnic. I had to go to court to play Little League.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, hurry up, we want to go home.
Jay: [o.s.] I can't get this damn thing to work!
Claire: Oh, no, is it one of those automatic sinks?
Phil: You know what? He should do a hard reboot. Go back to the urinal and reapproach.
Mitchell: What's going on in there?
Jay: [o.s.] I can't even get a trickle out of this thing!
Cameron: Oh, I find that thinking about it helps.
Claire and Gloria: It's the sink.
Jay: It makes no sense that I'm waving my arms like I'm directing a plane into a gate! He's gonna break it like he broke the remote control. Let's just go, the paper towels thing is automatic too. [Jay wipes his hands on Mitchell's sweater vest]

Quote from Manny

Manny: Okay, no messy goodbyes, I'm out of here.
Gloria: Ay, papi, I'm going to miss you. Can you at least stay for the party that I'm making for Joe?
Manny: Mom, Mrs. Nussbaum is paying me to get her car to Delaware by Friday at noon. I already lost an hour looking for my driving gloves.
Jay: You're plowing through the heartlands in an inchworm-green Camry with a bumper sticker that says "Meat is Murder." I hid these gloves for a reason.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, uh, we weren't kidding about you being careful. And, uh, not to get dramatic, just keep your wits about you. Here.
Manny: What the hell is that?
Jay: It's an air freshener. What does it look like?
Manny: I'm going on the Martha Stewart bed-and-breakfast tour of America, not an Aboriginal manhood quest.
Jay: I'm not saying you're gonna need it, just better safe than sorry. Slash, don't stab.

Quote from Phil

Phil: My eyeliner keeps smudging. Thanks a lot, gal at the MAC counter.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Have you seen Margaret? I need her to clear my day. I just found out you can get the Golf Channel online.

Quote from Jay

Nick: We didn't know where to hang up our puffer vests, so we just dropped them on some rando's desk.
Claire: Hi. You must be the guys from EzraVision.
Nick: Yes, I am Nick. And these are my guys.
Jay: Jay Pritchett, obviously. Fellas, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Which one is gonna be holding the tape recorder?
Nick: You know what? Why don't we just make this quick? We actually have to go hang out in a bike shop that only plays Drake. So here's our offer, best and final.
Claire: Offer for what?
Nick: [chuckles] For your company. We want to buy you out.
Claire: I'm sorry, we thought that you were here to just, you know, get information.
Jay: Get out of here!
Claire: Dad, if you would just let me speak-
Jay: Who do you think you are, marching in here like a bunch of hotshots? And why is nobody wearing socks?!

Quote from Jay

Claire: Two get out of heres?
Jay: You believe these punks? I mean, what was with all this eye contact? In my day, nerds had the decency to stare at their shoes!

Quote from Jay

Claire: Their website looks legitimate. I mean, they've got some pretty great clients.
Jay: Wait a second, is that Margaret?
Claire: She's working there. They must have poached her.
Jay: Brainwashed her, is what they did. Margaret is very vulnerable. I've had to rescue her a bunch of times from cults and an Amway pyramid. Come on. Let's get our girl back!
Claire: You were all the way out of the Grand Canyon before you realized no one was on my donkey. But, sure, let's go save Margaret.

Quote from Haley

Manny: Hey, girl, hey!
Haley: I'm not going on your road trip.
Manny: What?
Haley: Luke told me that you've been hounding him because you don't want to drive cross-country alone.
Manny: Oh, I'm just trying to do you a favor. You're going to a conference in Memphis. It's only 12 hours out of my way.
Haley: Hey, no need to be afraid.
Manny: Afraid?
Haley: Manny, I'm a pretty girl who wears low-cut tops. I know what a scared 19-year-old boy looks like.

Quote from Claire

Jay: We're not here to sell. We're here to bring Margaret home. Who's Margaret?
Nick: Margie! Margie-Marge!
Jay: How did they get you? Are you still wandering around alone in pet stores? I've told you, that's the kind of person these cults target!
Margaret: I like it here. They have one of those machines that makes every kind of soda.
Claire: But you're diabetic. And a grown-up.

Quote from Claire

Nick: See, this is the future of closets automated, intelligent
Jay: That's what they said about the "mood closet" in the '70s, and I buried them.
Nick: Very cranky.
Claire: Yes, but he has earned the right to be cranky, because my father is a giant in this industry, and he had to skip his ice-cream sandwich today to come here.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought. There are so many eyes on me. I mean, yes, sure, less because of all the cyclopses, but still.

Quote from Alex

Manny: Huh. I couldn't help noticing a lot of loose hairs on your pillow and a stack of fully completed Sudoku books. Weren't you supposed to be taking it easy this summer? No school, no projects-
Alex: Yeah, I'm loving it.
Manny: What are the chances I open your dresser and find a calendar with three X'd out days and a giant red circle around the date school starts again?
Alex: You don't know me.
Manny: Look, you're facing a challenge that scares you, but you know in your heart you need to take it on. Because it'll help you grow and become a stronger, more balanced person.
Alex: Ugh. Of course I know you're right, but it's hard! People are out there discovering planets, and I'm in here doing BuzzFeed quizzes. Like if I were to be a Beatle, who would I be? I'd be Ringo. Who cares, Manny?! Manny?

Quote from Jay

Claire: Aw, Dad. I can't promise that you wouldn't feel old in that building, but from the outside looking in, I mean, you're the guy who's holding his own with kids a third his age. That makes you like the the Tony Bennett of closets.
Jay: I told you I took an elevator with him in Rome, right?
Claire: Yeah, you did. And you know what, in that building there's a bunch of people who have never heard that story. Did he have a Chihuahua with him?
Jay: A mink.
Claire: A mink?
Jay: A live mink. All class.

Quote from Ronaldo

Peter Pan: Where my Lost Boys at?!
Cameron: What the hell is this?! You said you were at a kid's Peter Pan party?
Ronaldo: No, no, no. I said, "Kit's Peter Pan party." It's his 11th time turning 50.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I wish I had that. I mean, I was a weird kid whose family only made him feel weirder. I mean, it took until today to do an adventure that I have wanted to do since I was Manny's age. I-I went to Hero-Con.
Cameron: Not in costume?
Mitchell: Affirmative, Fizbo.
Cameron: Okay, if this is something you're into, why haven't you ever told me?
Mitchell: I haven't told anyone. I mean, I tried with my mom once, but I chickened out and told her I was gay instead. And I-I wasn't even sure at that point.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Mitchell, I'm, uh, proud of the risk you took today following your heart. You should do more of that.
Mitchell: Cam, should Cal live with us?
Cameron: He should.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Phil: Very well.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Sorry we're late. Traffic, you know.
Phil: I keep telling you to try Waze, but you're scared of technology, and you shouldn't be.
Claire: We're merging Pritchett's with a high-tech closet company.
Phil: Excellent. And, Gloria, you speak often of your passion for ventriloquism.
Gloria: It's been a long day, Phil.
Phil: This one needs more time.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Notes from the road. Alternate title, The United States of me. Fear Friend or Foe? As children, we're taught to fear what can hurt us. But as adults, we're expected to conquer what we're afraid of. So what are fears? Do they keep us alive? Or do they keep us from living?
Haley: Hey! You're blocking the driveway. Hit the road already.
Manny: Okay, I'm going.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Stop wiggling. I'm almost done. [sneezes, gasps]
Joe: Why'd you gasp? [looking in mirror] Ah! My hair is my identity!

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: No, no. I-I-I thought I was ready, but I'm not. I'm not. I-I've fantasized so long about coming, and now that that we're here, I am I'm mortified, okay? I'm a 40-year-old man.
Phil: No, you're not. You're a 390-year-old Highland Norph. And you're walking in with a lifer. This baby gets us all-access and two free yards of mead. Through those doors lies your destiny. What's the Galderean word for "bravery"?
Mitchell: Lochtani.
Phil: Again!
Mitchell: Lochtani.
Phil: Namu oponggi su-whi-gorth!

Quote from Jay

Nick: Ooh, lower the B.P., O.G. We're actually trying to do you a favor.
Claire: Okay, I think you have this twisted. This company has been around since before you all were born.
Except for maybe him. How is he part of this?
Nick: This guy? That's our over 40 diversity hire. Listen, we have developed smart-closet technology that's gonna make places like this obsolete. We are giving you a chance to get out while you're still ahead.
Jay: Speaking of which, get out of here!

Quote from Gloria

Joe: Oh, wow! Mom, my dinosaur party looks amazing!
Gloria: But we're in that room. Somebody must've done another dinosaur party right next to us.
Dr. Donna: Gloria?
Gloria: Doctor Donna Duncan.
Dr. Donna: You remember my stepson, Digby.
Digby: [hisses]
Dr. Donna: He prefers nonverbal communication.

Quote from Manny

Haley: Dude, you brought a pan flute to the fifth grade. You serenade girls who are way out of your league. You're a baller. You got this.
Manny: Thanks.
Haley: Anytime.
[Manny offers Haley a hug. As they hug, he starts to draw her towards the door]
Haley: Manny. Manny, this is kidnapping.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Hang on, Dad. I- I don't like these dorks any more than you do, but they might be onto something.
Jay: What are you saying? You want to sell?
Claire: No, I was thinking more of a merger. I did some digging, and they are two years behind on production.
They need our manufacturing, and frankly, we need their technology.
Jay: Nope, not gonna happen. End of conversation.
Claire: Really? Oh. I-I'm having a business discussion. I am not negotiating a new bedtime.
Jay: I'm not taking on an outside partner.
Claire: h, I get it, 'cause you're not very good with partners. I mean, you put me in charge, like, nine times, but if it's an important decision, I should just shut up.
Jay: Well, I can't help it if I have a sixth sense about this business. Closets chose me!

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Donna: Cameron, sweetie! I thought I heard your voice cutting through the joyless silence of this I want to say party, but I'm afraid it will sound sarcastic.
Gloria: You guys are friends?
Cameron: Uh, well, we go to the same blowout parlor, yeah. Wait a minute, did you pay for my Belizian blowout just so I would shout the details of Gloria's party so you could outdo her?
Dr. Donna: Oh, look at you catching on. Kids, sorry to wake you. But I'm gonna leave these wristbands here in case any of you want to come ride our roller coaster. The mechanical kind, not the emotional one you've been on since you came through these doors.
Gloria: Get out of here! [to the kids] Not you, not you, not you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Sweet home Alduzzarna, it's The Foolmaker from "Clash of Swords" season five!
Mitchell: I'm only on season three. I feel lost. Help me.
Phil: Oh, okay. During the Feast of Figs, the Forest Prince banished Migolaf the Wanderer to the outer reaches of The Forsaken Realm. Migolaf waylaid the Iguodalan Dwarves and cursed the high cleric to an eternity of feeble-mindedness using the mighty scepter known as The Foolmaker. I got to get a selfie.

Quote from Mitchell

Man: Hey, man. Sick scale armor!
Mitchell: Oh, really? You think so? It's not too much with the cape? I wanted something that would go from feast to battle.
Man: Crushed it.
Mitchell: Yes!
Man: Oh, we're about to take our annual Norph group photo. You coming?
Mitchell: Yes, yes! Phil, we're taking a pic Oh, I'm sorry. I lost my friend.
Man: Hey, most of us come alone. You don't have to pretend.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Scary ogre teeth. Where'd you get those?
Man: I'm guessing my birth parents.
Phil: I'm so sorry.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Why can't I just [into microphoney] shut up? [crowd gasps]
Joel L.L. Logan: Sorry, was I going on too long?
Phil: I didn't [gasps] You're Joel L.L. Logan.
Joel L.L. Logan: What's your question, friend?
Phil: Oh, uh...
Joel L.L. Logan: Don't be shy. I may have created this kingdom, but we're all fellow heirs to it. Isn't that right? [crowd whistling distinctly]
Phil: In that case, Mr. Logan. Uh, I read on a fan page there's gonna be a Mozgovian uprising in the season finale that'll wipe out the entire ruling class, including the gruesome beheading of Adebayo the Righteous.
Joel L.L. Logan: Um...
Phil: Wait, a-are you are you gonna kill Adebayo?
Joel L.L. Logan: What? No, no. Who's- Who- Who's Adebayo? [chuckles]
Phil: Oh, dear lord. It is true.
Man: You fool! Why would you ask him that?! We all stay off of spoiler sites for a reason!
Man #2: This show is the only thing I've got going on and you ruined it! [crowd booing]
Phil: Ohh! Ow! They let you bring your spheres?! They took away my tweezers!

Quote from Alex

Alex: [gasps] Manny?
Manny: This is the check Mrs. Nussbaum gave me to drive her car to Delaware. It's yours if you come with me.
Alex: Okay.
Manny: Wait, what?
Alex: Well, Haley already warned me you'd be asking and I thought, "Sure." My favorite research institute is on the way. And I could bring my windsock and barometer for that new weather modeling project I've been noodling with.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I may have lost Phil, but I found my people. And the choreography was a snap. It's basically a river dance, uh, crossed with the hora.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where have you been? I've been waiting forever.
Claire: I was angry. I needed to take a walk so I could forget how pigheaded you can be.
Jay: You want to take another lap?
Claire: Dad, I am right about this. Eventually Nick is gonna figure out how to keep up with demand, and then where are we gonna be? I know your style has always been just tough it out and and beat back every threat-
Jay: That's not it, Claire. You're right. We can't beat these guys. A merger's the only long-term play. I just don't know who I am in there.
Claire: What?
Jay: They're all 25, zippin' around on their...
Claire: The hoverboards?
Jay: What's that make me, the cute old guy? The mascot? "Old man Pritchett's in the men's room. Let's go watch him cuss out the automatic faucets again."

Quote from Phil

Phil: They're monsters. They've been pelting me with Chobani flail spheres.
Mitchell: Wait. Ch- Chobani, like the yoghurt?
Phil: The show took on corporate sponsors in season four.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] As a gay man, I know every party planner in town. So I sent out a group text, and as luck would have it, my friend Ronaldo was wrapping up a kid's Peter Pan party. And I said, "Send me whatever you got."

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: Thank you so much for today. I-I never would've gone through with it if you hadn't inspired me.
Phil: I inspired you?
Mitchell: Mm.
Phil: Wait. In book the third, the high cleric overcomes the curse of the Foolmaker by being pure of heart and goes on to be a great inspirer of people. Do you think- [Mitchell has vanished. Phil talks to the Peter Pan performer] You seem glum. Perhaps you should be turning your passions elsewhere.
Peter Pan: You're right. I'm going back to vet school. It's about time I grew up.
[Phil gives the camera an amazed look]

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: I just wanted a nice party for Joe. There's only so long that you can make things perfect for them. Suddenly, they move on. They wake up one morning and they want to drive a cross-country all alone.
Cameron: Oh, right, Manny. I know you're scared, but your should feel proud. You took kind of a-
Gloria: You can say it a weird kid.
Cameron: A weird kid, and turned him into somebody so comfortable with himself that he's willing to take on a pretty big adventure.
Gloria: Thank you, Cam.


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