Pepper Saltzman Quotes Page 1 of 6

Quote from Sex, Lies & Kickball

Pepper: [after eating and spitting out a Cheeto] And from what fromagerie...
Cameron: You're from Lubbock, Texas.
Pepper: [gasps] You son of a bitch!

Quote from Sex, Lies & Kickball

Ronaldo: [eating a popsicle] I was skeptical at first because orange is so over right now, but I love it.
Lionel: You like it, too, Pepper?
Pepper: Mm, wonderful. I haven't seen this much artificial color since Ted Turner got his hands on "Casablanca."
Cameron: Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
Pepper: I hate you.

Quote from Earthquake

Pepper: Oh, boys. Boys, I can't stand that I'm coming between you. Not that I'm surprised. I admit I have noticed the stolen glances and the yearning in your eyes.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, you'll you'll forgive us, Pepper if we sit out your next few brunches?
Pepper: Absolutely. I would hate to lose you two. I've always thought of you as being like my-
Cameron: Sons?
Mitchell: Sons?
Pepper: Sons? I was gonna say brothers. [scoffs, crying] It's like a house of pain.

Quote from Sex, Lies & Kickball

Pepper: Oh, I can't believe no one told me kickball is performed on grass. I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
Lily: This is not great for your people.

Quote from Sex, Lies & Kickball

Pepper: Oh, I'm hurt! I'm really hurt! Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
Ronaldo: Mi amor, it's okay.
Pepper: [scoffs] It's not okay. I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook. It's one humiliation after the next! Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, but this is not me. I hate sports and nature and... and sherbet. God, do I hate sherbet! There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.

Quote from Fight or Flight

Cameron: Well, you know, she did seem frazzled. Maybe she forgot to say good-bye.
Mitchell: Oh, and forgot all of her presents. [Sammy fusses]
Ronaldo: [gasps] And forgot her baby.
Mitchell: You don't think that there's any way that she would... No. I can't even say it.
Pepper: I can. That gin-soaked tart abandoned the little bastard. What? He's fatherless. Am I wrong?

Quote from The Wedding (Part 2)

Cameron: How is this place even available?
Pepper: Oh, dreadful story. Runaway bride, suicidal groom, feuding families. It really puts our mundane problems in perspective.
Ronaldo: Oh, we can't dim the lights.
Pepper: Then break some. These are not young men!

Quote from A Slight at the Opera

Pepper: Don't listen to him. He's "Cat's in the Cradling" you.
Mitchell: What?
Pepper: He's playing on your emotions so you lose your edge. I do it to my son all the time.
Jay: Did he say "son"?
Pepper: Yes. He's a Navy S.E.A.L. Oh, I've said too much.
Phil: What's "Cats in the cradle"?
Pepper: You know, that song about the dad who misses all the important moments in his kid's life? Stay strong, just like Kyle did in Yemen. Oh, my God, I'm a sieve.

Quote from Fight or Flight

Pepper: I don't wanna sound like a sentimental softy but does anyone miss the drunken whore she used to be?

Quote from Earthquake

Pepper: I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I? I'm a joke, that's who.
Cameron: No. No. You're not a joke. You're Pepper Saltzman.
Pepper: I think I'd better just go. If anything terrible should happen don't feel an obligation to attend my memorial, New York or L.A.

Quote from A Slight at the Opera

Jay: What the hell?
Pepper: Hello, boys.
Phil: What a sweet ride, Pepper.
Jay: What are you guys doing here?
Mitchell: I've been golfing for a few weeks. Pepper's been teaching me.
Pepper: I grew up golfing with my father, the great Chaim Saltzman. Or as he was known around the clubhouse, Chad Treadwell.

Quote from The Wedding (Part 2)

Mitchell: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you're evacuating the whole area, can't you just do us last?
Fireman: I don't think you realize how close you are to actual flames.
Pepper: Hello. Pepper Saltzman. Big supporter of yours. Have all your calendars.

Quote from The Wedding (Part 2)

Pepper: Cue the quartet. Where's the other one?
Ronaldo: He rode with the caterer who flipped his truck.
Pepper: Why do good things happen to everyone but me? Let's send the flower girl before she's a flower teenager.

Quote from We Need to Talk About Lily

Pepper: Oh, it's fabulous, Phil. Mother would love it. It's her generosity and my power of attorney that are making this purchase possible.

Quote from A Slight at the Opera

Pepper: Did you hear that? And he wasn't just talking to Phil. He was talking to 10-year-old you and 12-year-old you and...
Mitchell: Suck it, Nancy!
Pepper: [gasps] I was just trying to help.