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38Quotes from ‘Sarge & Pea’

Modern Family: Sarge & Pea

811. Sarge & Pea

Aired January 11, 2017

Claire and Mitchell are surprised to see Dede at a wedding reception they're attending with their dad. Fearing a return of the drama they saw during their childhood, the pair try to keep their parents away from eachother. Alex and Haley help Cameron plot revenge when he runs into a rude parent who robbed him of a special moment during dance recital. Meanwhile, Phil and Gloria adopt very different strategies when they take Luke and Manny on a college tour.

Quote from Phil

Stefi: Admission has gotten tougher. Only about 4 out of 10 applicants get accepted.
Luke: Ugh.
Phil: You've beaten worse odds than that. We forgot to get you vaccinated till you were 6.

Quote from Dede

Dede: Well, I don't know what you're doing, but you look great.
Jay: And you look great, too. Oh, look, there's no line at the bar. How about a Rob Roy for old time's sake?
Dede: Oh, you remembered, Sarge. [to Mitchell] That was the only drink I could keep down when I was pregnant.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey. I got us a campus map, and look at this my old college frat has a chapter here! By legacy rights, I'm entitled to use the main-floor bathroom and sign out a Frisbee.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Luke and I, Gloria, and Manny are going on a college tour! Safety school for Manny, long shot for Luke, which hasn't been great for his self-esteem. Luckily, as a former cheerleader, I haven't lost my gift for lifting spirits. Though I can no longer make an N with my body.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Guys, come look! I did something very bad. Manny is taking a nap, so I put a pig-a-let in the bed!
Luke: Oh, my God. Where'd you get that?
Gloria: You remember those farmers that we met? You'll be surprised what they'll do for a couple of big tips.
Phil: What did you hear?
Manny: [pig snorting] Aah! Whoa! What is that?!
Gloria: It's a pig-a-let! Man, you should see your face!
Manny: Ohh, it licked my face! Why would you do this?
Gloria: Aye, Manny, don't be so uptight! I'm preparing you for college so that you fit in and make some friends. I took the idea from watching "The Animal House," "The Old School" movie-
Manny: College is about higher education, not pranks.
Gloria: Nerd!

Quote from Cameron

Alex: Hey! Get back here! You don't even know it's her. You're basing this off of the back of the head of someone you saw in the dark.
Haley: That may be how you recognize your old boyfriends, but-
Cameron: Excuse me. As much as I admire that and do intend on using it on Mitchell without giving you any credit, there is a line.

Quote from Mitchell

Stefi: The university boasts many noted graduates research scientists, journalists, and one pretty well-known playwright.
Mitchell: Wow. "Pretty well-known?" Imagine how many cookies they could have sold if they called them "Pretty Well-Known Amos's."

Quote from Cameron

Haley: Just go ask her if she was at the recital, and then tell her off if she says yes.
Cameron: No, I can't, because if it's her, she'll sense confrontation coming and deny it. People can always tell when I'm in attack mode.
Haley: Mm, flared nostrils?
Cameron: No.
Alex: Vein in your forehead?
Haley: Blotchy neck?
Cameron: No! You know what, and just a head's up, you both are turning into your mother.

Quote from Alex

Cameron: Well, if there's video of Lily's recital on her iPad, then I know it's for sure her, and plus, I can e-mail it to myself and have a proper viewing party.
Haley: Ooh, I've got a thing.
Alex: Yeah, I'll probably be working.
Cameron: I haven't even set a date yet. Okay, there's a passcode.
Alex: Well, of course there's a passcode. Give me that. All right, well, she ordered a powdered doughnut, so... All right. Chalky fingerprints on the 8, the 5, the 3, and the 1. Your passcode is some combination of those four.
Cameron: Oh, my God. You're brilliant.
Alex: Last year, I was doing differential topography at Cal Tech, and now I sketch leaves in milk foam for adult skateboarders. I need something more.

Quote from Dede

Dede: So, 1986, we were just coming back from my sister Bebe's wedding when I first had my dream about murdering you.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Mitchell has a funny story that doesn't open old wounds about Cam at a dance recital. He got so mad, didn't he, Mitchell? Tell them!
Mitchell: So mad.
Jay: That wasn't '86. That was '87. The reason we were late was because of that damn Hands Across America that you made me do.
Dede: Hands was '86, and you thanked me afterwards because you got to hold hands with someone that was holding hands with Willie Nelson.
Jay: What the hell was that whole thing about, anyway? Hunger? Hand somebody a sandwich in San Francisco and you pass it on down the line till some bum gets ahold of it in Boston?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Check it out!
Luke: A bell?
Phil: Not just a bell. A series of bells fed into an ingenious instrument known as a carillon. I monkied around with one back in the day. A cutie named Gretchen took me up to her belfry and showed me some moves, which I now realize sounds sexual.
Luke: Not really. You talk like this a lot.
Phil: The point is, Gretchen got a full ride treading bells like these.

Quote from Haley

Richard: How are you 36? I just can't get over how young you look.
Haley: The trick is to not smile too hard.
Richard: [laughs] You're funny. [Haley chuckles uneasily] I did not expect that from a seismologist. Which, by the way, how did you get into that?
Haley: Oh, um, it's just always come easy for me. You know? I look at people and I just instinctively know their size. People are like, "Oh, I'm a 4," and I'm like, "Who you foolin', girl? You a 10." [laughs]
Alex: Ma'am, here is that napkin you asked for.
Haley: Oh, thanks. [reads napkin] Ha ha. Fooled you. I was just joking about clothing stuff. The real reason why I got into studying earthquakes is because I love nature.
Richard: I guess that would explain the ornithology interest, too, huh?
Haley: [laughs nervously] Miss, could I have another... [Alex flaps her arms] Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Angels have always been cool, [Alex pecks back and forward] but not as cool as birds! I love birds!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, you have a son?
Ana: Love of my life. [sighs] He took the divorce pretty hard. He's different, you know? He's really he's creative and sensitive, and he gets picked on a lot at school. You know, it's like, thank God for his dance class. [voice breaking] I feel like it's the only place that I see, like, real joy on his face.
Cameron: I knew it. You're the worst!
Ana: Excuse me?
Cameron: I'm not Richard, you fool. I'm the father you and your giant iPad robbed of his daughter's first ballet solo. I hope whatever reason you had to prioritize your child over mine was a good one, and now that I hear it, it's pretty close, I have to admit, but still.
Ana: Wow! You're a maniac, but I'm grateful because this has been one of the most abysmal dates I have ever been on.
Cameron: Oh!

Quote from Haley

Richard: People think that cats are standoffish, but my guy, when I come home-
Haley: Okay, I've got to stop you right there. I'm not Ana, and this isn't happening.
Richard: I had a feeling. [chuckles] Can I at least take a picture with you so I can tell other women we dated?
Haley: What?! No!
Richard: You're right. It's just that you're so pretty.
Haley: All right, get in here. Ma'am?

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, come on. We're going to be late for the mixer.
Manny: Uh, excuse me, did I say your time-out was over? Back on the bed.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Like I want to take some stupid bell class so we can all find out there's one more thing I can't do.
Manny: Oh, boo-hoo. Your dad believes in you. My mom's treating me like I'm on some Japanese game show.
Luke: Fine! You win! You win worst parent, you win college. Hope you have fun here while I'm shoveling poo in some underground poo-shoveling place.
Manny: Well, why'd you even come here if you're so sure you can't get in?
Luke: I don't know. Maybe because this is the one place we might both get in, that might make this whole thing a little less scary!
Manny: Well, that's the only reason I applied, too!
Luke: Then why are we fighting?!
Manny: I don't know!
Luke: So, are we still going to the party?
Manny: Yeah, I'll put on a hat!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I just wanted Luke to feel good about himself, you know? Cheer him on a little.
Gloria: Maybe there is such a thing as too much cheerleading. You tell him he can do anything, and when he can't, he feels like he's disappointing you.
Phil: Luke knows I'd never be disappointed in him.
Gloria: Does he? Luke is very sweet, but he doesn't know a lot of things.
Phil: So I'm supposed to pump him up, but not so much that he's afraid to let me down. It's ironic that I'm struggling with this since my greatest cheerleading move was threading the needle. It's when your seven cheermates make hoop arms-
Gloria: I don't care.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I just want Manny to learn how to take a joke.
Phil: Yes, but there's a difference between a joke and yelling "Pervert!" before shoving him into the girls' locker room.
Gloria: Aye, please, that was funny. Besides, I was the one who broke a heel trying to keep the door shut. College is a big change. I'm just trying to keep it light for him.
Phil: For him or for you?
Gloria: [sighs] Okay. He's leaving me for the first time in his life. I've been married, I've been divorced, I've lived here, I've lived there. I drove a taxi, I won "Star Search." Through all the changes in my life, there was always us. Like partners. If I don't keep this light, I am going to be very sad.
Phil: I know. It stinks. You just have to hope they get irritating enough by the end of the year that you're ready for them to go.
Gloria: Maybe I should give him his harmonica back.
Phil: That's the spirit.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Here, take my half steak. I'll take half your fish. I got to trick my arteries every once in a while, keep them on their toes.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Who are those people?
Mitchell: You heard them. They're "Sarge" and "Pea." Two nicknames I have never heard in my entire life. This kindness, I don't trust it.
Claire: I know, it's like a purple sky before a storm.
Mitchell: Exactly.
Claire: Beautiful until you realize the birds are agitated and ants are walking in circles.

Quote from Mitchell

Dede: Sit down, sit down. You're causing a scene. It's very embarrassing.
Jay: You have been quite rude today, young lady. General Patton over there. And this one is basically a cardboard cutout who occasionally sips wine and sighs.
Dede: We did not raise you to act like this.
Claire: Oh, excuse me.
Mitchell: No, I-I got it. No, in fact, you raised us to act exactly like this, okay? You two are the ones that are acting crazy.
Jay: What are you talking about?
Mitchell: Who the hell are Sarge and Pea, and where were they when we were growing up?
Claire: Yeah, maybe if those two people had raised us, there would have been room in our house for other people to have emotions and somebody wouldn't have had to shut himself down.
Mitchell: And maybe somebody wouldn't be trying to control the whole world because she couldn't control the chaos in her own home growing up.

Quote from Jay

Dede: We didn't behave well when we were married, and I feel bad about that.
Jay: Me, too. We thought we were staying together for you, but I don't know, maybe we'd forced you to live with two unhappy people for too long.
Dede: But we're happy now. And that's probably why we're able to be our old selves today.
Jay: We should have said this a long time ago, but we didn't give you the kind of home you deserved, and for that, we're sorry.
Claire: Well, you I mean, there was - there was happy times, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, no, it wasn't all crazytown.

Quote from Mitchell

Kayla: Can I have that dropped at the gift table for you?
Jay: Ah, I think I'll hang onto this. This is a special gift. It's a wine fridge 36 bottles, stainless steel, dual temp zones for your whites, your reds.
Mitchell: She doesn't care. Okay. And neither did the priest. Father O'GodHe'sHot.
Claire: I know. Those lips, right?
Jay: Hey, hey, hey. Is that appropriate?
Mitchell: Appropriate? You never carried us around as proudly as you're carrying around that thing.

Quote from Jay

Jay: 30 years ago, I didn't do your Aunt Becky's closets for free. The whole family got together and decided I was cheap called me "High Pockets." Well, we'll see what her boy Brian says when he opens what Esquire Magazine called "the last under-counter wine fridge you'll ever need."

Quote from Claire

Claire: Mom! What is she doing here? She's not even related to these people!
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You, me, Mom, Dad, alone. Without Gloria to absorb the hate. Okay, why am I scared? I'm feeling scared.
Claire: Because you are flashing back to every family event that ended with Dad whisper-screaming at Mom, "Would you calm down?" while she would swing her pocketbook around until it burst open like a pill-packed pinata.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] That horrid woman robbed me of my proud daddy moment and forced me to lie to my daughter. "You danced beautifully, Lily!" But did she? I have no idea!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Why didn't you smack her down last night? With words, obviously. Wait, can gays smack women?
Cameron: No. ... No!

Quote from Alex

Cameron: You know what, I would have cussed her out last night, except the selfish hag left the moment her daughter's dance was over. I hope there's no rule in here about causing a commotion.
Alex: I mean, we didn't really feel the need to put it up on a sign because, you know, civilization.
Cameron: Well, I answer to a higher law.

Quote from Dede

Mitchell: So, Mom, I didn't know that you would be, uh, be here.
Dede: Oh, well, I wasn't planning on it I haven't seen these people since the divorce.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Dede: But then my new hubby had to work, and I thought "Write a new story, DeDe."
Mitchell: Yeah! [both chuckle] So, are you here alone, or...? You look great! This dress is beautiful!
Dede: Oh, thank you. I found it in the trunk of a car I bought.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, don't be mad.
Claire: Are you kidding?
Mitchell: She vanished, okay? Those shoes she makes are soundless.

Quote from Mitchell

Dede: Oh, well, if it isn't my first family.
Jay: What a surprise, huh?
Dede: Yeah! I guess Brian invited me because of that summer we took him in. Remember when I caught you trying on Brian's underpants?
Mitchell: No, what even- Mom!

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Oh!
Gloria: [laughs] I tied your shoelaces together.
Manny: Mom, what's going on with you?
Gloria: I am preparing you. If you can't laugh at yourself, then you'll become a target. College crazy time, man!

Quote from Phil

Paren: Excuse me, Steffi? My son Tim here developed a finance app that caught the eye of some folks at JP Morgan, so he'll need to keep that going along with school.
Stefi: No problem. Many students work while taking class.
Phil: Excuse me, Steffi?
Luke: What are you doing?
Phil: My son Lucas here is a recognized amateur trampolinist.
Luke: Dad!
Phil: I'm assuming you guys have a training facility so he can continue his pursuits in the applied bouncing arts?
Stefi: I'm not sure I'm understanding...
Phil: You guys have a trampoline?
Stefi: I think there's a small one in the daycare center.
Phil: There are no small trampolines, only... You know what? We can move on. Everybody, this way!

Quote from Jay

Claire: Hunger, yeah. Definitely. Um, Mitchell is on a diet, speaking of hunger. What can you eat now?
Mitchell: Uh, less.
Dede: Sweetie, I see what you're doing, but this whole controlling thing it's challenging.
Jay: Works good in the office, but sometimes she's as tight as a camel's ass in a sandstorm.
Claire: Ooh, this seems aggressive.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hey! You do not get to do this. You do not get to shut down on me like you did when we were kids. I am not gonna sit here taking the heat while you go hide in your room blasting Pat Benatar.
Mitchell: Why are we even all sitting together?
Claire: This is my plan. You're gonna come up with a reason to take Mom back to her table. Maybe you want to unload some gay stuff you don't want Dad to hear? You're lovely.

Quote from Jay

Dede: But my dream analyst helped me realize that I never wanted to murder you. I wanted to murder the part of myself that was so angry.
Jay: You were angry because I was an inconsiderate blow-hard.
Dede: Oh, don't do that. We had plenty of good times, didn't we, Sarge?
Jay: You bet we did, Pea.
Dede: Oh! [both chuckle]
Claire: What fresh hell is this?

Quote from Luke

Luke: What? I'm gonna learn all this in three months?
Phil: You're a quick study. Look at how fast you learned magic. I got a home movie of you pulling an impossibly long chain of baby wipes out of your diaper.
Luke: Okay, I was 5 in a diaper. That's not really a sign of a quick learner.


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