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45Quotes from ‘Airport 2010’

Modern Family: Airport 2010

122. Airport 2010

Aired May 5, 2010

When Gloria surprises Jay with a vacation to Hawaii for his birthday, he's overwhelmed when he learns the whole family is coming for an action-packed trip.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] If you show enough houses, you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I'm completely clueless.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight. It's-It's very stressful.
Mitchell: Uh, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
Cameron: I was on that flight with you, and I don't recall- Oh, I get it. You're talking about me. That's very funny.
Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
Cameron: All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Mitchell: Five hours of this.
Cameron: [English accent] I just want to dance at the ballet!

Quote from Manny

TSA Agent: Excuse me, ma'am. Is this Manny Delgado?
Gloria: Yes.
TSA Agent: Your son's name is on a no-fly list.
Gloria: Ay, please, we've been through this at the check-in. He's not the same Manny Delgado.
Manny: I'm just a boy trying to bring style back to travel.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Ow. Ow. Ow.
Jay: Something wrong there, Cam?
Cameron: Well, I'm just breaking in a new pair of hiking shoes. This always happens. All the men in my family have wide ankles. I have an uncle that can only wear bell bottoms. Hand to God.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Enough. Why don't you question the other people on the gate, huh? Did you see the old lady with the cane? What if she has a ceramic knife in there that can go through the metal detector? And yet you waste your time harassing a little kid.
TSA Agent: Ma'am, you seem to know an awful lot about sneaking contraband on to a plane.
Gloria: Yeah, I'm Colombian.
TSA Agent: Have you ever been to Japan?
Gloria: I would like to make a phone call.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [aside to camera] Today's Jay's birthday, so I'm taking him to Hawaii for a whole week.
Jay: Big suite in Maui. Just the two of us. Got Manny tied up in the backyard. Big bowl of kibble. I'm kidding. He's staying with Claire and Phil.
Gloria: This whole thing was a big surprise. I did it all myself- the flight, the hotels. Cost me a fortune, but it was worth it.
Jay: [mouths "Cost me a fortune"]

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't like activities. I wanted to hang out with Gloria and read my Robert Ludlum novels. I got eight of 'em loaded up on my book reader thing here. I mean, I love my family. I love 'em at dinners, I love 'em at barbecues, but do I have to love 'em in Hawaii?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Here today, gone to Maui!

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm sorry. I'm a little tense.
Phil: Coffee'll help that.
Claire: You're right.
Phil: We've been over this. Air travel is incredibly safe.
Claire: I know. I know. But at the end of the day, it is still a building on its side being thrown from one place to another.
Phil: With a movie.
Claire: Not helping.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You wanna take something, maybe calm your nerves?
Claire: No. No. I wanna be alert if the kids need me.
Phil: What a mom. Sometimes I wish you were my mom.
Claire: Oh, God, Phil. I'm already feeling a little queasy.
Claire: I hate this feeling. I hate it. And it's just gonna get worse and worse until the flight.
Phil: Hey! It's gonna be fine. Uncle Phil's here.

Quote from Luke

Claire: [hugging Luke and sniffing his hair] Mmm. I will never get tired of this.
Luke: Me neither. You know what would be cool, Mom?
Claire: What's that?
Luke: If the plane flew into a storm and crash-landed onto an island like in Lost.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [cell phone riming] Quick- Who sang "Evil Woman"?
Mitchell: What?
Phil: [answering phone] ELO!

Quote from Alex

Haley: So, airports, huh?
Jeff: Yeah.
Haley: Are you drawing something there?
Jeff: Yeah. It's no good.
Haley: Tortured artist. Classic.
Jeff: Oh, yeah. It's a robot.
Haley: Oh, yeah. Sure is. What's behind him?
Jeff: A dinosaur. It's for school. We're supposed to make a comic strip.
Haley: We had to do that too, back in the eighth...
[aside to camera:]
Alex: He was 14 years old.
Haley: Shut up.
Alex: "He's my soul mate." [laughing, falls off the couch]

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's not you guys. I love the family. It just kinda feels like Gloria's going out of her way not to spend time with me.
Claire: You don't believe that, do you? Oh, come on, Dad! That is so crazy and so adorable. That woman loves you.
Jay: Well, I didn't say I wasn't lovable.
Claire: It's not every wife that would spend the money to fly a family to Hawaii.
Jay: Okay. Where does everybody think Gloria's money comes from?

Quote from Manny

TSA Agent: So, what kind of business did you have in Japan?
Manny: I've never been to Japan.
TSA Agent: You didn't go to Osaka November 2003 to attend an electronics trade show?
Manny: I was four.

Quote from Manny

Manny: And once I spent a week in Cancun, which, by the way, did not live up to the hype.

Quote from Jay

TSA Agent: Then why are you departing Maui on different dates?
Gloria: Well, because he's traveling back home with his family.
Jay: What?
Gloria: Surprise! They're only staying for six days. The rest of the time it's only you and me.
Jay: Really?
Gloria: Mm-hmm. I wanted to spend some time alone with my husband- drink cocktails by the pool, sleep in.
Jay: I could not love you any more than I do right now.
Gloria: I also found a topless beach.
Jay: I was wrong.

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's whale "watching."
Gloria: Whale washing.
Jay: Watching.
Gloria: Washing.
Jay: That's close enough.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Quick, do your zombie impression.
Gate Attendant: She hasn't been drinking, has she?
Phil: Oh, no, no, no. She's- She's hilarious. Okay, let's do bride of Frankenstein. Oh! [imitating Crashing Noises.] It's so, so good.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Oh, I forgot to ask- Did it hurt?
Gloria: What hurt?
Jay: When you fell from heaven and landed on earth.
Gloria: I didn't fall from- Ah. [laughing] Because I'm an angel. Why are you so sweet?
Jay: Maybe just 'cause I'm so damn happy.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: The whole family's coming with us!
Jay: They are?
Gloria: Uh-huh. Yes, and Mitch and Cameron and Lily too. Yeah, and Phil- he's just checking the bags.
Jay: Wow! That's, uh- Wow.
Claire: It was all Gloria's idea. She bought all of our tickets and everything.
Jay: Really? Everyone's?
Gloria: Yeah. It's your birthday. I didn't spare any expense.
Jay: Oh, gee! Thank you, honey. Are they, uh, all gonna be up with us in first class?
Gloria: Ay, no, silly. Coach. You think I'm made of money?
Jay: Of course not.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: We're gonna go to a luau, swim with the Miami Dolphins, take a tour in one of those, the- [imitating rotor blades]
Jay: Helicopter. Helicopter.
Gloria: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Thanks, Daryl. I know I got a lot of baggage, but don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist. Just kidding. I'm fine.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: You guys excited about the trip?
Cameron: Oh, we're so excited. You know, this is my first time.
Phil: Really?
Cameron: Yeah, I know it's surprising. People always say I scream "Hawaii."
Mitchell: Who says that?
Cameron: People.
Mitchell: What people?
Cameron: You don't know them.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What are you doing? I just packed those.
Cameron: Oh, she just looks so cute in this outfit. I want her looking her best for Jasper.
Mitchell: Nothing you just said made any sense to me.
Cameron: Jasper and his mother are coming over for a playdate. We scheduled it weeks ago.
Mitchell: We're about to leave for the airport.
Cameron: Not for an hour. And this is the only time Jasper could do it.
Mitchell: How full is Jasper's calendar?
Cameron: This is a coup. When you get in with Jasper, doors open. He's a legacy at Happy Time Preschool.
Mitchell: We're kissing up to a 10-month-old?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I just want him to like us. [doorbell rings] Okay, that's them.
Mitchell: But just in and out. We still have a million things to do.
Cameron: Would you relax? You always worry. It always gets done. Oh, and we're Methodists, so...

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, check out that cute guy.
Alex: He's out of your league. He's reading a book.
Haley: I know.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast. Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Just why are you wearing the hiking shoes?
Gloria: Surprise!
Jay: What, again?
Gloria: Every morning the whole family's gonna go hiking. Then at the end of the week, we all gonna make it to the top of the volcano.
Jay: Every morning, huh?
Gloria: Yes. When Cam suggested it, I knew you were gonna love it.
Jay: Oh, so this was your idea?
Cameron: Happy birthday, Jay.
Jay: Ah, thanks, buddy. [kicks Cam's feet]

Quote from Luke

Luke: Look, Mom, I'm pregnant.
Claire: Yeah. You still gotta take your Dramamine.
Cameron: Oh, does somebody get a little motion sickness?
Luke: Yeah, I throw up all the time.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: I-Is this the best way to go? What about the freeway?
Phil: Relax, punkin. I got this. It's all about knowing the route. You're talking to a guy who made his way through college by driving a pedicab. You know what one of those is?
Mitchell: Yes. Yes. I just saw one pass us.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: She's pretty tightly wound. Some people are just built that way.
Mitchell: [shouting] Honestly, could you drive any slower?

Quote from Jay

Manny: Guess where the world's largest wind generator is.
Jay: Is it right behind me?
Manny: Nope. It's on the island of Oahu. I'm thinking about using it in my song about Hawaii.
Jay: What song?
Manny: Didn't Mom tell you?
Gloria: Surprise! The whole family's putting on a show for you for your birthday. Everybody's performing. Even Phil brought his dummy. Isn't that great? Jay?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking how tragic it would be if I fell into that volcano.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Dylan! What are you doing here?
Dylan: I was gonna go, but then you fell asleep, and since you're leaving for a week, I want to stare at you as long as I could.
Haley: You have to go. My parents are gonna think we did it.
Dylan: [scoffs] As if.
Haley: Get out of the house and make sure that nobody sees you.
Dylan: I'II miss you. When you're gone, it's like I'm this prisoner trapped in a cell of loneliness.
Haley: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's beautiful, but you have to go.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: You're sure I'm not too heavy?
Phil: Please, you weigh less than my paintball gear.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: What are you doing?
Phil: Just making it a little tougher on the next guy. You got to get up pretty early- Son of a- [trips]
Mitchell: Are you all right?
Phil: Yes, I am. Just, uh, almost killed myself on your fire truck.
Mitchell: That's not ours. That's Jasper's.
Phil: You know Jasper? I sold a house to his parents. How did you ever get a playdate with him?
Mitchell: Let's go!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Look at him. He's sketching. He's like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. I bet he goes to art school.
Alex: Do you think he's sketching us?
Haley: Yeah. "Us."

Quote from Haley

Haley: [phone beeps] Ugh! It's Dylan. "I'm trapped." Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a drama queen.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You make it a double? I'm traveling with my family.
Bartender: No problem.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Must be a lot easier just living with a guy. Yeah, life would be simpler if I was gay.
Mitchell: Do you think you could get in the fast lane?
Phil: Oh, I could totally get in the fast lane.
Mitchell: I mean the road.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Oh, I'm getting a text. What does it say?
Mitchell: Um- Oh, G- Well, it's nothing. It's the alarm company. It says your house was broken into.
Phil: What?
Mitchell: It's nothing. They'll take care of it. Just drive!
Phil: What happened?

Quote from Claire

Cameron: Okay, fun airport game. You pick out a traveler, you come up with their entire story. Okay. This guy, his name's Henry. He's on his way to Phoenix to visit his grandmother, whose name is, uh- Oh! Pass. Too hard. Your turn.
Claire: Okay. Fine. I see a woman, uh, wracked with fear, whose husband has abandoned her.
Cameron: Where? Where? Who is she?
Claire: Me. I made it perfectly clear to Phil that I needed him here.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [to Claire] Oh, it's going around. Mitchell's mad at me too. Mitchell's mad at me too. He thinks because I didn't help him pack this morning, he forgot his wallet.
[cut to Phil's car:]
Mitchell: I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry to be snippy. It's just I'm a little upset with Cam. I needed his help this morning, and he let me down.
Phil: That doesn't sound like him. You asked him to do something and he didn't do it?
[airport:]
Cameron: But he never asked! I mean, all he said was, "Lily's bag needs to be packed and the newspaper needs to be canceled."
Claire: That sounds to me like he was asking for help.
[car:]
Phil: Sounds to me like you expected him to read your mind.
[airport:]
Cameron: What am I, a psychic?
Claire: No! It's not about reading minds. It's about knowing what your partner needs.
[car:]
Phil: Here's an idea: Just say "help me." You don't even have to say "me," just "help." Then he'll know exactly what you want. You won't have to get all mad.
Mitchell: I'm not mad. It's just- You wanna believe you're on the same wavelength as someone, and then it's just- it's a little disheartening when you find out you're not. That's all.
[airport:]
Cameron: What's frustrating is I would do anything for Mitchell, and-and frankly, it's a little hurtful that he doesn't know that.

Quote from Claire

Jay: What you drinking?
Claire: Dad. Hey. Mostly tonic actually, thanks to my new sponsor here.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm a little jittery about flying.
Jay: What are you talking about? You fly all the time.
Claire: Yeah, I know. This started just in the last couple years. I think I'm just- I'm nervous 'cause I've got so much to lose now, you know? What about you?
Jay: I'm taking a break from my vacation.
Claire: We haven't even started yet.
Jay: Well, I gotta figure, I might not have a lot of time for myself, you know, what with the luaus, the hiking, the talent shows.
Claire: Are you not happy that we're coming with you?
Jay: It's just not what I expected.
Claire: But, Dad, doesn't it feel good to know that your whole family is willing to drop everything to be with you, to fly across the ocean in a steel coffin? I'm gonna finish that.


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