Phil: [aside to camera] If you show enough houses, you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I'm completely clueless.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight. It's-It's very stressful.
Mitchell: Uh, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
Cameron: I was on that flight with you, and I don't recall- Oh, I get it. You're talking about me. That's very funny.
Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
Cameron: All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Mitchell: Five hours of this.
Cameron: [northern English accent] I just want to dance at the ballet!

Phil: [cell phone ringing] Quick. Who sang "Evil Woman"?
Mitchell: What?
Phil: [answering phone] ELO!

TSA Agent: Excuse me, ma'am. Is this Manny Delgado?
Gloria: Yes.
TSA Agent: Your son's name is on a no-fly list.
Gloria: Ay, please, we've been through this at the check-in. He's not the same Manny Delgado.
Manny: I'm just a boy trying to bring style back to travel.

Cameron: Ow. Ow. Ow.
Jay: Something wrong there, Cam?
Cameron: Well, I'm just breaking in a new pair of hiking shoes. This always happens. All the men in my family have wide ankles. I have an uncle that can only wear bell bottoms. Hand to God.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Today's Jay's birthday, so I'm taking him to Hawaii for a whole week.
Jay: Big suite in Maui. Just the two of us. Got Manny tied up in the backyard. Big bowl of kibble. I'm kidding. He's staying with Claire and Phil.
Gloria: This whole thing was a big surprise. I did it all myself- the flight, the hotels. Cost me a fortune, but it was worth it.
Jay: [mouths "Cost me a fortune"]

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't like activities. I wanted to hang out with Gloria and read my Robert Ludlum novels. I got eight of 'em loaded up on my book reader thing here. I mean, I love my family. I love 'em at dinners, I love 'em at barbecues, but do I have to love 'em in Hawaii?

Cameron: Here today, gone to Maui!

Claire: I'm sorry. I'm a little tense.
Phil: Coffee'll help that.
Claire: You're right.
Phil: We've been over this. Air travel is incredibly safe.
Claire: I know. I know. But at the end of the day, it is still a building on its side being thrown from one place to another.
Phil: With a movie.
Claire: Not helping.

Phil: You wanna take something, maybe calm your nerves?
Claire: No. No. I wanna be alert if the kids need me.
Phil: What a mom. Sometimes I wish you were my mom.
Claire: Oh, God, Phil. I'm already feeling a little queasy.
Claire: I hate this feeling. I hate it. And it's just gonna get worse and worse until the flight.
Phil: Hey! It's gonna be fine. Uncle Phil's here.