Haley: Another brochure from a community college. You know, I bet Mom is having them send these.
Alex: Really? You don't think they've targeted you as a must-have recruit?
Haley: At least this one doesn't have that fakey lunchtime shot of the black guy, Asian girl, and an Indian- Oh, wait! There it is. Wow, that wheelchair kid is really cracking everybody up.

Phil: Knees bent. Arms loose. Chin up. Butt out.
Gloria: Ay, no, Phil. This is too much.
Phil: No, just remember, "kbalcubo."
Gloria: Huh?
Phil: K-b-a-l-c-u-b-o. "Koala bears always lose cherries under big overpasses."

Manny: [aside to camera] What qualifies someone as a hero? Obviously, a hero has to be someone we respect. A person we look up to. A person who is generous of spirit. Who's willing to grow and learn. Maybe it's the person you love most in the world or the guy who makes the most out of life, no matter what anyone thinks. The hero in my family is my family, because of who we are together. "C-. This was not the assignment." I'll tell you who is not my hero. Mrs. Rita McNabb.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Teddy was Mitch's one significant boyfriend before me. Uh, Mitch had recently just come out. And as he put it, it was hard to love someone else if he couldn't love himself.
Mitchell: I actually said those words? Ugh. It's kind of hard to love myself right now.

Mitchell: You're okay making plans with my ex-boyfriend?
Cameron: Um, yes. It's been a hundred years. Plus, this is one of the many benefits of being gay. We can be friends with our exes without all the petty jealousy straight people go through.
Mitchell: Well, I guess I am friends with Pepper, so...
Cameron: I went on one date with Pepper. One. When are you gonna stop bringing it up?
Mitchell: When you stop reacting like that.
Lily: Daddy loves Pepper.
Mitchell: I taught her that.

Manny: That's private.
Claire: Oh, sorry. But why do you have all of our names down on a list?
Manny: It's for my school essay. Pick a hero in your family and write about why you've chosen him or her. You're still in the running, but I'm not loving that you're drinking wine while watching my brother.
Claire: Well, it was from an open bottle of white in your fridge, so...
Manny: It's about judgment, Claire. It's not the '70s. We know better.
Claire: There was lipstick on the bottle.

Claire: You know what really sucks? That job could be great. But my dad is a terrible boss. He is so mean. "Princess, coffeepot's not gonna wash itself."
Phil: That's where you got that?
Claire: I said it to you one time.

Claire: It's just I hate it so much. The- The four big times that I disappointed him, it devastated me. I mean, the first time, I cut off all my hair. I went to college out of state. I crashed his vintage Jag into a wall. [silence]
Phil: That's only three.
Claire: Kids, dinner!

Phil: Oh. Limbo skate, kids. How low can you go?
Haley: I'm at a roller rink with my family on a Saturday night. I win.

Phil: Aah! Son of a Mitchell!