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‘My Hero’ Quotes

Modern Family: My Hero

422. My Hero

Aired May 8, 2013

When Mitchell's ex-boyfriend, Teddy, invites the whole family to a fundraising event, Cameron is jealous when he sees how everybody is still enamored with Teddy. Claire is reluctant to accept her father's offer of a job in the closet company. Meanwhile, Phil tries to teach Gloria to skate, Haley coaches Alex on talking to boys, and Manny and Luke must decide who is their "hero" for a school assignment.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Another brochure from a community college. You know, I bet Mom is having them send these.
Alex: Really? You don't think they've targeted you as a must-have recruit?
Haley: At least this one doesn't have that fakey lunchtime shot of the black guy, Asian girl, and an Indian- Oh, wait! There it is. Wow, that wheelchair kid is really cracking everybody up.

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Quote from Phil

Phil: Knees bent. Arms loose. Chin up. Butt out.
Gloria: Ay, no, Phil. This is too much.
Phil: No, just remember, "kbalcubo."
Gloria: Huh?
Phil: K-b-a-l-c-u-b-o. "Koala bears always lose cherries under big overpasses."

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] What qualifies someone as a hero? Obviously, a hero has to be someone we respect. A person we look up to. A person who is generous of spirit. Who's willing to grow and learn. Maybe it's the person you love most in the world or the guy who makes the most out of life, no matter what anyone thinks. The hero in my family is my family, because of who we are together. "C-. This was not the assignment." I'll tell you who is not my hero. Mrs. Rita McNabb.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Teddy was Mitch's one significant boyfriend before me. Uh, Mitch had recently just come out. And as he put it, it was hard to love someone else if he couldn't love himself.
Mitchell: I actually said those words? Ugh. It's kind of hard to love myself right now.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You're okay making plans with my ex-boyfriend?
Cameron: Um, yes. It's been a hundred years. Plus, this is one of the many benefits of being gay. We can be friends with our exes without all the petty jealousy straight people go through.
Mitchell: Well, I guess I am friends with Pepper, so...
Cameron: I went on one date with Pepper. One. When are you gonna stop bringing it up?
Mitchell: When you stop reacting like that.
Lily: Daddy loves Pepper.
Mitchell: I taught her that.

Quote from Claire

Manny: That's private.
Claire: Oh, sorry. But why do you have all of our names down on a list?
Manny: It's for my school essay. Pick a hero in your family and write about why you've chosen him or her. You're still in the running, but I'm not loving that you're drinking wine while watching my brother.
Claire: Well, it was from an open bottle of white in your fridge, so...
Manny: It's about judgment, Claire. It's not the '70s. We know better.
Claire: There was lipstick on the bottle.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You know what really sucks? That job could be great. But my dad is a terrible boss. He is so mean. "Princess, coffeepot's not gonna wash itself."
Phil: That's where you got that?
Claire: I said it to you one time.

Quote from Claire

Claire: It's just I hate it so much. The- The four big times that I disappointed him, it devastated me. I mean, the first time, I cut off all my hair. I went to college out of state. I crashed his vintage Jag into a wall. [silence]
Phil: That's only three.
Claire: Kids, dinner!

Quote from Haley

Phil: Oh. Limbo skate, kids. How low can you go?
Haley: I'm at a roller rink with my family on a Saturday night. I win.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, great. We've got the Prius that can make dinner reservations, buy movie tickets, tell us the weather. I just want one that opens.

Quote from Cameron

Teddy: You were the one who said, "I need some time. I'll call you when I heal more." Ten years later...
Mitchell: I never said that.
Cameron: Oh, time to heal more! That's so sweet and sensitive. Why did you kill that part of yourself?

Quote from Lily

Teddy: So 4:00 Saturday. I'm so glad I bumped into y'all.
Cameron: Us, too. Say bye, Lily!
Lily: Bye, Lily.
Cameron: I taught her that, so...

Quote from Gloria

Claire: How was dinner?
Jay: Perfect. I had a steak, I had some ice cream, Gloria found a hair in her fish, and it didn't cost us a penny!
Gloria: It might have been my own hair, but Jay was so happy that I didn't say anything.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I know you've been wanting to get back out there, and I always kind of thought that if you did go back to work, you'd come back to work with me.
Gloria: I- I worked there for half a summer 20 years ago.
Jay: And it- It was terrific, honey. Listen, obviously, we'll start you out slow. We'll give you time to re-learn about the place, and then maybe move you up. You know, you do know a guy.
Gloria: He means him!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Oh, love him. What did I say about these flowered blankets for him?
Gloria: Ay.
Jay: Huh? He's starting to take after Hugh Heff-nerd over there.
Manny: Very amusing, Jay. Let me just get your name down here.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Why would you say no? I thought you were looking for something. We could use the money, too, especially if Haley decides to go back to school.
Claire: Oh, is she still throwing out those college brochures?
Phil: Just tossed one now. Who does she think empties the trash?

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Gloria. You don't know how to roller-skate.
Gloria: Of course I do. I know how to do everything. [sighs] I can't lie to that face. It's a good thing that we're not married.
Phil: Well, I don't-
Gloria: I can't skate. I am an elegant woman. That means that I never do the few things that I don't really do that good.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm a natural teacher.
Gloria: But I'm going to look stupid.
Phil: Gloria, trust me. As long as you're standing next to me, you will not look stupid.

Quote from Claire

Teddy: Whoa, fancy.
Claire: Yeah, I know. Well, I did used to work here.
Teddy: W-w-wait. You're the Claire from the bathroom?
Claire: Oh, is it still here?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, you! You owe me a phone call!
Claire: I know! I'm gonna call you! Hey! Teddy's here, huh?
Jay: Hey, you deadbeat, you owe me $50 for the gold.
Teddy: Well, maybe I'll slip it to you during your next prostate exam.
Jay: I'll bet you're counting the days, you perv.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You and Jay really seem to have a thing, don't ya? And Gloria, what's the nature of your relationship with her?
Teddy: Well, actually, we just met tonight. You know, I'm not so sure she likes me.
Cameron: Really? ... Uh, well, I mean, she just takes a little time to warm up.
Teddy: Oh, thanks. And thank you, again, for coming tonight. With the money we raised, we'll be able to inoculate over 4,000 needy kids against some truly awful diseases.
Cameron: And how well do you know Luke?

Quote from Alex

Haley: I love that movie, too!
Max: Yeah, that cool fight scene on that skyscraper in Shanghai, it really made me want to go to Japan.
Alex: Why? Shanghai's in China. I'm just saying, you don't want to fly to Japan, get in a cab and say, "Take me to downtown Shanghai. It's a pretty expensive ride." [laughs]

Quote from Alex

Haley: Uh, what do you think you're doing out there?
Alex: I'm flirting.
Haley: That's what I was afraid of.
Alex: Look, I'm not gonna pretend I'm stupid just so a boy will like me.
Haley: Of course not. But you don't have to put the poor guy to shame. Flirting with boys is about increasing your value, not decreasing theirs.
Alex: That's a complicated thought. What magazine taught you that?
Haley: You're doing it again! The mean thing. Can you even hear it or what?!

Quote from Luke

Manny: Man, tough finding a hero in this family, huh?
Luke: You know, I've got problems of my own. I can't always be the lovable sidekick on "The Manny Show." Did you even notice I'm binge-eating?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, what do you want me to do? Would you like me to ask them to break up with Teddy? Is that what you're asking?
Cameron: Of course not. would never ask that. That would be insane.
Mitchell: Well, good.
Cameron: It would be as insane for me to ask that as it would be sane for you to offer it.
Mitchell: So that is what you're asking.
Cameron: No, that's what I'm not asking. But if you decide to do it, I want it to come from you, not me, because I'm clearly not asking for it.
Mitchell: Okay, this is nuts.
Cameron: Is it? I worked my fingers to the bone to get these jumpy protestants to love me, and now I find out they're holding a torch for the man who came before me? It's not nuts. It's actually quite painful.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, so listen. This is coming from me. No one else. Um but I need you to do something, and I don't want you to give me any flack.
Jay: Oh, jeez.
Mitchell: That's flack. I-I think it's a little weird how you all still hang out with Teddy so much.
Phil: Told you.
Mitchell: And I think it'd be appropriate if maybe you all, you know, stopped seeing him.
Claire: This is coming from Cam, isn't it?
Mitchell: [nodding his head] No, it's not.

Quote from Jay

Jay: There's no hurry. We're in a wooden box built in 1970.

Quote from Cameron

Max: All right, before you get upset, this was just about convenience.
Cameron: Was it? Or was it a perfect metaphor? Congratulations, Mitchell. This is the saddest I've ever been in roller skates.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Aah! Son of a Mitchell!

Quote from Luke

Claire: Honey, I'll talk to your dad.
Luke: You don't think he'll be upset I wrote it about you?
Claire: You wrote it about me?
Luke: Mom, you know me and homework. I didn't give it much thought. What's a hero? Someone who's not afraid of anything, and who's strong, that's you. But Dad's so great, too.

Quote from Haley

Alex: What happened? Did I mess up?
Haley: No, you did great.
Alex: So he didn't like me?
Haley: No, he totally liked you.
Alex: Then why'd we walk away?
Haley: 'Cause it was never about him. This was about getting you some confidence. Guys will pick up on that. Better guys. Guys who can lose to a girl without feeling e-masculated.
Alex: Okay, try not to throw this in my face one day, but sometimes you're actually really smart. Like, smart smart. I hope you know that.
Haley: Wow. Thanks. But I'm totally throwing that in your face one day.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Actually, I was trapped back here, my dad and I got in a whole thing. Now he's mad at me.
Jeff: Whoa, where'd you find that?
Claire: I know where you keep the beer, Jeff. I hate this feeling! I swear, it started when I was 12 years old and I got a "C" in social studies. The way my Dad looked at me, you would have thought I'd worn a tube top in church. He knew it crushed me. He didn't care. That's why I can't work for him. He was hard on me then. He's gonna be hard on me now. I'm telling you, people don't change. I've changed. I don't wanna put up with this stuff. I am a completely different person than I was 20 years ago. All right, kids, that's gonna be $18.50. Out of $20? There's your $1.50. I thought so.
Jeff: Well, I mean, do you feel good that you were at least honest with him?
Claire: No. And super no. Because I'm the one who's left with this awful feeling every time I disappoint him. And it's not fair. 'Cause I'm not the bad guy here. He needs to know that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Good guy.
Cameron: Who, Teddy? Yeah. Yeah, he's the best.
Jay: Nuts he can't find anybody, huh? Gotta be something a little off there. He definitely did not bring out the best in Mitchell, I can tell you that right now.
Cameron: Oh, really? Well, you know, not that it matters... But in what way exactly?
Jay: Honestly? When they were together, Mitchell could be a bit of a pill. Now, I like Teddy, but when they broke up, I was actually kinda glad. Of course, Mitchell thought that I was uncomfortable because of the gay thing, and maybe I was, but I really just wanted him to be happy. Like he is now. And when you two started up, everyone thought, "Well, there it is."

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: What is everybody looking at?
Cameron: Oh, I guess I can tell the story one more time. Sure, yeah. Well, I was mad about something. I don't even remember what. I turned. Now at this point, I'm more animal than I am man. Strike the punching machine, and apparently I broke some sort of world record. I guess the thing that I'll never forget is the sound that it made. It was, like, bells and whistles and sirens. It's impossible to describe.
Teddy: [machine sounds] That was literally the first punch I've ever thrown!
Cameron: You are never to see him again.
Mitchell: Yes, I know.


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