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49Quotes from ‘Dude Ranch’

Modern Family: Dude Ranch

301. Dude Ranch

Aired September 21, 2011

The whole Pritchett clan (plus Dylan) head to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for a family vacation.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've been practicing like crazy, all my cowboy skills: shootin', ropin'. pancake eatin'. Why? Because sometimes I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man.
[flashback:]
Phil: It's just that when you say, "Phil is my son-in-law," it sounds like you're saying, "Phyllis," comma, "my son-in-law."
Jay: That's ridiculous.
Phil: Okay, who's your son-in-law?
Jay: Phil is.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So we haven't told the family yet, but we've decided to adopt a baby boy.
Cameron: From America this time. You might say we're "buying domestic."
Mitchell: In private. You might say that in private.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy, I needed to butch up my life. You know, I wanted to be able to teach my son all the things that my Dad taught... Claire.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: Hey, Dylan.
Dylan: Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire: I was wondering if we could have a little chat.
Dylan: Oh. You want me to go home.
Claire: No, no. It's the- The opposite of that.
Dylan: I want you to go home?

Quote from Manny

Manny: So did you set off the firecracker yet?
Luke: When I do, you won't have to ask. First, all the electronics will go out, then comes the heat flash. Afterwards, the living will envy the dead.
Manny: And yet I'm the one on the "No-fly" list.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Wanna see something?
Manny: Oh, my gosh. Is that a firecracker?
Luke: Shh! Now I just need to find the perfect thing to blow up.
Manny: Is that thing even legal?
Luke: Not here. It's from Germany. If they had this during the war, right now we'd all be knee-deep in strudel.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: I'm not a baby anymore, okay? And I am never gonna see Dylan again! Dylan! Dylan!
Dylan: What?!
Haley: Where are you?!
Dylan: Wyoming!
Haley: You're okay!
Dylan: I had the craziest night. When you rejected me, I felt lost and scared. And then I went out on a walk, and I felt a whole different kind of lost and scared. And then I fell asleep in the stable. And when I woke up, I met this woman named Jake who's strong like a man. Then we had this long talk, and he/she hired me.

Quote from Phil

Haley: What if Dylan buys his own ticket? We'll be sleeping in separate cabins.
Phil: What if Dylan and I share a horse?

Quote from Manny

Hank: My name is Hank. Here at the Lost Creek Ranch, you're gonna ride, you're gonna rope, and you're gonna shoot. You're gonna see a sky so full of stars, it'll put your city lights to shame. And when it's all done, you might just encounter a piece of yourselves you never knew was there. Are there any questions?
Manny: Uh, do we book spa treatments through you or...?
Hank: I like you, kid. I'm gonna call you "Hollywood."
Manny: That wasn't an answer.

Quote from Jay

Hank: And who's this cactus flower?
Gloria: What?
Jay: That's my wife Gloria.
Hank: Well, she's "Cactus Flower" now, old-timer.
Jay: These, uh- These nicknames, are they set in stone?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay! Is this like the lobster?! Do I get to pick one for dinner? Because this one looks very tender.

Quote from Jay

Hank: Look alive, Old-timer. One of your calves is getting away.
Jay: Hey, something's wrong with my horse. She's veering left. When this happened to my Uncle, it was a stroke.

Quote from Jay

Jay: She's veering left again. When we get back, I'm gonna see if she can track a pencil with her eyes.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: [playing guitar and singing] I rode a horse for the first time today wasn't surprised when it went neigh

Quote from Claire

Claire: No, I, um, I want you to know how glad I am that you're here.
Dylan: Really? 'Cause sometimes I just get this vibe you don't like me.
Claire: Oh. Dylan, no. I'm sorry. I-I like you. I-I like you a lot. I just- It's complicated because Haley's my daughter.
Dylan: Whoa. Whoa, whoa. You are totally a hot mom, but I can't do this.
Claire: Oh, my God. Okay, we- There's- No, no. I merely meant that I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcome.
Dylan: Whew! That would have been awkward.
Claire: So awkward.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: You know, but for the record, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire: Yes?
Dylan: If Haley wasn't my girlfriend-
Claire: Yeah.
Dylan: And Mr. Dunphy was out of the picture-
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Dylan: I would be honored to share your bed and raise Luke, Alex, and Haley as my own.
Claire: Okay. Good talk.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, I'm sorry. Look, what if I can't do the father-son stuff? The hunting, the- The sports, the Three Stooges? You know what happens in real life when someone gets hit in the head with a ladder? They go to the hospital and they get an MRI. Never see that scene.
Cameron: I think you're overthinking this. You know, I love sports, I love the Stooges. We've got this covered.
Mitchell: No. No, you- You got it covered. But I'm just stuck on the sidelines, pretending to understand the rules, and... You know, my dad was a rough-and-tumble guy, and I just-- I could never relate to him. And I don't know. I just don't think I could handle disappointing two generations.
Cameron: I think you're more masculine than you give yourself credit for.
Mitchell: [gasps] Who puts a birdhouse next to a porch?

Quote from Phil

Jay: Phil, help me saddle my horse, will ya?
Phil: Well, look who's suddenly needed by his father-in-law. Phyllis. Phil is.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I've got this new firecracker, and I can't decide what to blow up.
Mitchell: Oh, Luke, that's dangerous.
Luke: I know. That's what's fun about it.
Mitchell: I don't get boys. What is so great about destroying things?
Luke: It turns stuff into flying chunks of stuff.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: What do you mean, she hired you?
Dylan: I work here now.
Haley: S- So you're staying?
Dylan: Yeah.
Haley: What about us?
Dylan: It could never work. We're from two different worlds. You're a high school student, and I'm a ranch hand.

Quote from Phil

Phil: All in all, it was a great vacation. We may have lost a man But out there on the range, under that great big sky, we found a part of ourselves we never knew was there, just like the horny cowboy said we would.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [cowboy accent] Reckon we'll be landing soon.
Claire: Phil, honey, you promised, not till we got there.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: Mm, I hate landing.
Dylan: [taking Claire's hand] We'll get through this.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Wow! Oh, my goodness. [blocking her nose]
Jay: What are you doing?
Gloria: I want my ears to pop.
Manny: Try putting a little Rouge on 'em. Nobody gets me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Our adoption attorney told us it would be a good idea to make a photo book to show prospective moms.
Mitchell: Yes, but he thought that Cam's version was a little too "artsy," so we've decided to take a few rugged shots at the ranch to, you know, balance it out.
Cameron: I don't think it need balancing out.
Mitchell: Really? [opens pop-up book, music starts playing]
Cameron: It's called "Production value."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [loudly] Horse. Look, Jay! So beautiful!
Jay: Your ears haven't popped yet, huh?
Gloria: I'm like the horse whisperer. But something is making this one skittish.

Quote from Claire

Dylan: Whoa. Look at the mountains.
Haley: They're amazing.
Dylan: I've never been this far from home before. Now I've never been this far.
Claire: Where's a cliff when you need one?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Watch it!
Jimmy: What you doing, eh? You readin'?
Alex: Trying to.
Jimmy: Eh, I'm not so good at it either.
Alex: I'm not surprised.
Jimmy: That was a joke. I'm Jimmy Scrivano. You want to see me do a cannonball?
Alex: I'd rather see you get hit by one, but-
Jimmy: Ha. Good one, gorgeous.

Quote from Jay

Hank: Beautiful form, Cactus Flower! Beautiful! You look like a dadgum conquistadora!
Jay: She's deaf, but I can hear ya.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Why are you riding that way?
Mitchell: I'm afraid that cow over there might bite me.
Cameron: Oh, yes, he's gonna come up and bite you because your leg looks so desirable with those- Are those canvas?

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Go, Mom! Whoo!
Dylan: Yeah, Mom! You rock!
Claire: Oh, I wish I had a rock.
Phil: Hey. It wouldn't kill you to be nice to Dylan.
Claire: It might.
Claire: But, honey, I don't know why you always stick up for him. Haley can do so much better.
Phil: Because I know what it's like to fall for a girl whose dad thinks I'm not good enough.
Claire: All right, you're right. I can make more of an effort.
Phil: That's the woman I love.

Quote from Alex

Jimmy: You know it's your own fault that's happening. Why don't you try standing behind her?
Alex: You are an idiot.
Jimmy: Oh, really? I ain't the one getting kicked.
Alex: Why are you following me?
Jimmy: Why are you fighting me here, gorgeous? This works.
Alex: I really, really don't appreciate you calling me "gorgeous." I just want to enjoy time with my family, so if you don't mind- [Jimmy kisses Alex] mm!
Jimmy: Not a problem. See you around, sunshine.
Lily: [laughs] You kissed a boy!
Alex: No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily? The boy kissed me.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [singing] She'll be running down the mountain she'll be running down the Mountain when she come.
Jay: The song ended two minutes ago.
Hank: Well, I'll tell you what. She could play Evita.
Jay: Really? You notice the crickets left?

Quote from Claire

Dylan: Everybody, it's me, Dylan. I just wanted to thank you all for bringing me on this trip and making me feel like one of the family, uh, especially Bossy. So I can't think of a better time to ask something of the woman that I love. Okay. [nervous chuckle]
Claire: No, no.
Dylan: Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy, will you do me the honors of being my lawfully wedded--
Claire: No. No, no, no, no, no. No proposals. Not now. Not gonna happen. She's a child, so-
Haley: Mom!
Claire: You're still in high school!
Dylan: I meant after she graduates.
Claire: Not then. Not now. Not ever. Seriously, what are you two gonna live off of? The- The- The royalties from the horsey song? - Put it back in your pocket.

Quote from Phil

Haley: I hate you!
Claire: Haley, get back here! Phil, anything?
Phil: I think you said it all, Claire. You want me to rope her? I can, you know.
Hank: For what it's worth, my second wife was in high school.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Claire, I know that you're worried that Dylan is gonna break Haley's heart, but I see in his eyes that he's gonna stick with her forever. No matter what, he's always going to be with her. On your deathbed-
Claire: Okay. All right. I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna go find her.
Jay: No. You push too hard, you chase her right into his arms, you'll end up with a boob for a son-in-law. Believe me, you don't want that.
Phil: What's that supposed to mean?

Quote from Claire

Haley: We have to do something. If he doesn't eat five times a day, he gets spacey.
Claire: What would that even look like?

Quote from Alex

Alex: We need to talk.
Jimmy: What?
Alex: You stole my first kiss.
Jimmy: What are you talkin' about?
Alex: I had it all planned out. It was supposed to be special, someone with a high GPA and a bright future, not a Mario brother.
Jimmy: Fine. You know what? I don't even want your kiss. Here, you can have it back. [Jimmy kisses Alex again] There. Now we're even.
Alex: Well, keep it. I don't-- I don't want it anymore. [Alex kisses Jimmy] What am I doing?

Quote from Claire

Hank: Okay, people. Looks like we have a walker. Right now he is facing treacherous terrain, sudden drops, mountain lions, hungry bears, oh, and wolverines. That is, if the hypothermia didn't already get him.
Claire: Why did we come here again?

Quote from Phil

Hank: So our best bet is to split up. You two are gonna take the North hiking trail.
Haley: Can I go with my Dad instead?
Hank: Negative. I need Buffalo Phil and Old-timer To check the Snake River.
Phil: Buffalo Phil. Worth the wait.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, Luke, look, I don't know how much Cam told you, but I don't think this is a problem that you can help me with.
Luke: Okay, good. I've got my own problem.
Mitchell: What? What's that?
Luke: Can you keep a secret?
Mitchell: I kept a pretty big one for 22 years, so...

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Jay. I want to talk to you about that son-in-law crack you made at breakfast.
Jay: Oh, I didn't mean anything by that.
Phil: I think you did. I get that I wasn't your first choice to marry Claire, but it's been 18 years, and there hasn't been a day when I wasn't a loyal husband to your daughter and a great dad to your grandkids. So if we've still got a problem, now it's your problem.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, it's clear.
Luke: After this, we're gonna have some angry birds.
Mitchell: Yeah. It's gonna be "Bye Bye Birdie." It's a big musical from the '60s. No. Forget it. What you said.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, I did a boy thing! I blew up the birdhouse! You should have seen it. It was so awesome.
Cameron: That's great!
Mitchell: Yeah. I think I can do this. I mean, maybe not everything and maybe not right away, and not the three stooges-
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: I do. I want a son. I'm sorry I panicked.
Cameron: Oh, that's great. Now maybe we can go back to taking pictures for the book.
Mitchell: Yes! Pictures of me blowing up stuff!
Cameron: Okay, I see we've overcorrected.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I know you think I'm the mean mom who wouldn't let you marry your boyfriend, but someday you're gonna realize, I-I did what had to be done.
Haley: No, you didn't. I was never gonna marry Dylan. I told him no.
Claire: Oh, you did? Thank God.
Haley: But it was my proposal to turn down. You know, you keep telling me to act like an adult, but then you don't even give me a chance.
Claire: Oh. You sort of got me there. But, sweetheart, I don't expect you to understand this. I certainly didn't when I was your age. I look at you as my baby, and I always will. It's- I's just what moms do.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Dylan! Dylan!
Hank: You got a voice like a meadowlark, don't ya?
Gloria: Dylan!
Hank: Yeah, I sure am worried about that kid.
Gloria: Dylan! He ain't down there.
Hank: Oh, come on now. You come up here for the cowboy experience. You're looking at him.
Gloria: Do I look like the kind of woman that would cheat on her husband?
Hank: Yes.
Gloria: Really?
Jay: Hey! I think you better move away from that woman.
Phil: Only we touch our women when they don't want us to.

Quote from Jay

Hank: Easy. Easy there, friend-o. I wasn't hitting on this filly. This is all part of the package. If I didn't play the bad guy, he wouldn't get to ride up and be the big hero.
Gloria: He doesn't need you to make him a hero. He's a hero every day.
Jay: Why don't you do us all a favor? Get back on your horse, ride down to the lodge and tell 'em- Can you keep him still? I'm trying to make a point.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait. Wait. There's something I wanna say to you. I will only be checking "somewhat satisfied" on our comment card.
Jay: Jeez.
Phil: I mean, he was great with the kids.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I looked it up. The distance between our houses is 2,443 miles.
Jimmy: Yeah, but, you know, on some maps, it's like--pfft! This big.
Alex: God, you're stupid. [Alex kisses Jimmy]


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