Claire: Hey, Dylan.
Dylan: Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire: I was wondering if we could have a little chat.
Dylan: Oh. You want me to go home.
Claire: No, no. It's the- The opposite of that.
Dylan: I want you to go home?

Phil: [aside to camera] I've been practicing like crazy, all my cowboy skills: shootin', ropin'. pancake eatin'. Why? Because sometimes I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man.
[flashback:]
Phil: It's just that when you say, "Phil is my son-in-law," it sounds like you're saying, "Phyllis," comma, "my son-in-law."
Jay: That's ridiculous.
Phil: Okay, who's your son-in-law?
Jay: Phil is.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So we haven't told the family yet, but we've decided to adopt a baby boy.
Cameron: From America this time. You might say we're "buying domestic."
Mitchell: In private. You might say that in private.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy, I needed to butch up my life. You know, I wanted to be able to teach my son all the things that my Dad taught... Claire.

Manny: So did you set off the firecracker yet?
Luke: When I do, you won't have to ask. First, all the electronics will go out, then comes the heat flash. Afterwards, the living will envy the dead.
Manny: And yet I'm the one on the "No-fly" list.

Luke: Wanna see something?
Manny: Oh, my gosh. Is that a firecracker?
Luke: Shh! Now I just need to find the perfect thing to blow up.
Manny: Is that thing even legal?
Luke: Not here. It's from Germany. If they had this during the war, right now we'd all be knee-deep in strudel.

Haley: I'm not a baby anymore, okay? And I am never gonna see Dylan again! Dylan! Dylan!
Dylan: What?!
Haley: Where are you?!
Dylan: Wyoming!
Haley: You're okay!
Dylan: I had the craziest night. When you rejected me, I felt lost and scared. And then I went out on a walk, and I felt a whole different kind of lost and scared. And then I fell asleep in the stable. And when I woke up, I met this woman named Jake who's strong like a man. Then we had this long talk, and he/she hired me.

Haley: What if Dylan buys his own ticket? We'll be sleeping in separate cabins.
Phil: What if Dylan and I share a horse?

Hank: My name is Hank. Here at the Lost Creek Ranch, you're gonna ride, you're gonna rope, and you're gonna shoot. You're gonna see a sky so full of stars, it'll put your city lights to shame. And when it's all done, you might just encounter a piece of yourselves you never knew was there. Are there any questions?
Manny: Uh, do we book spa treatments through you or...?
Hank: I like you, kid. I'm gonna call you "Hollywood."
Manny: That wasn't an answer.

Hank: And who's this cactus flower?
Gloria: What?
Jay: That's my wife Gloria.
Hank: Well, she's "Cactus Flower" now, old-timer.
Jay: These, uh- These nicknames, are they set in stone?