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‘Dude Ranch’ Quotes

Modern Family: Dude Ranch

301. Dude Ranch

Aired September 21, 2011

The whole Pritchett clan (plus Dylan) head to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for a family vacation.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've been practicing like crazy, all my cowboy skills: shootin', ropin'. pancake eatin'. Why? Because sometimes I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man.
[flashback:]
Phil: It's just that when you say, "Phil is my son-in-law," it sounds like you're saying, "Phyllis," comma, "my son-in-law."
Jay: That's ridiculous.
Phil: Okay, who's your son-in-law?
Jay: Phil is.

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Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So we haven't told the family yet, but we've decided to adopt a baby boy.
Cameron: From America this time. You might say we're "buying domestic."
Mitchell: In private. You might say that in private.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy, I needed to butch up my life. You know, I wanted to be able to teach my son all the things that my Dad taught... Claire.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: Hey, Dylan.
Dylan: Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire: I was wondering if we could have a little chat.
Dylan: Oh. You want me to go home.
Claire: No, no. It's the- The opposite of that.
Dylan: I want you to go home?

Quote from Manny

Manny: So did you set off the firecracker yet?
Luke: When I do, you won't have to ask. First, all the electronics will go out, then comes the heat flash. Afterwards, the living will envy the dead.
Manny: And yet I'm the one on the "No-fly" list.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Wanna see something?
Manny: Oh, my gosh. Is that a firecracker?
Luke: Shh! Now I just need to find the perfect thing to blow up.
Manny: Is that thing even legal?
Luke: Not here. It's from Germany. If they had this during the war, right now we'd all be knee-deep in strudel.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: I'm not a baby anymore, okay? And I am never gonna see Dylan again! Dylan! Dylan!
Dylan: What?!
Haley: Where are you?!
Dylan: Wyoming!
Haley: You're okay!
Dylan: I had the craziest night. When you rejected me, I felt lost and scared. And then I went out on a walk, and I felt a whole different kind of lost and scared. And then I fell asleep in the stable. And when I woke up, I met this woman named Jake who's strong like a man. Then we had this long talk, and he/she hired me.

Quote from Phil

Haley: What if Dylan buys his own ticket? We'll be sleeping in separate cabins.
Phil: What if Dylan and I share a horse?

Quote from Manny

Hank: My name is Hank. Here at the Lost Creek Ranch, you're gonna ride, you're gonna rope, and you're gonna shoot. You're gonna see a sky so full of stars, it'll put your city lights to shame. And when it's all done, you might just encounter a piece of yourselves you never knew was there. Are there any questions?
Manny: Uh, do we book spa treatments through you or...?
Hank: I like you, kid. I'm gonna call you "Hollywood."
Manny: That wasn't an answer.

Quote from Jay

Hank: And who's this cactus flower?
Gloria: What?
Jay: That's my wife Gloria.
Hank: Well, she's "Cactus Flower" now, old-timer.
Jay: These, uh- These nicknames, are they set in stone?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay! Is this like the lobster?! Do I get to pick one for dinner? Because this one looks very tender.

Quote from Jay

Hank: Look alive, Old-timer. One of your calves is getting away.
Jay: Hey, something's wrong with my horse. She's veering left. When this happened to my Uncle, it was a stroke.

Quote from Jay

Jay: She's veering left again. When we get back, I'm gonna see if she can track a pencil with her eyes.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: [playing guitar and singing] I rode a horse for the first time today wasn't surprised when it went neigh

Quote from Claire

Claire: No, I, um, I want you to know how glad I am that you're here.
Dylan: Really? 'Cause sometimes I just get this vibe you don't like me.
Claire: Oh. Dylan, no. I'm sorry. I-I like you. I-I like you a lot. I just- It's complicated because Haley's my daughter.
Dylan: Whoa. Whoa, whoa. You are totally a hot mom, but I can't do this.
Claire: Oh, my God. Okay, we- There's- No, no. I merely meant that I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcome.
Dylan: Whew! That would have been awkward.
Claire: So awkward.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: You know, but for the record, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire: Yes?
Dylan: If Haley wasn't my girlfriend-
Claire: Yeah.
Dylan: And Mr. Dunphy was out of the picture-
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Dylan: I would be honored to share your bed and raise Luke, Alex, and Haley as my own.
Claire: Okay. Good talk.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, I'm sorry. Look, what if I can't do the father-son stuff? The hunting, the- The sports, the Three Stooges? You know what happens in real life when someone gets hit in the head with a ladder? They go to the hospital and they get an MRI. Never see that scene.
Cameron: I think you're overthinking this. You know, I love sports, I love the Stooges. We've got this covered.
Mitchell: No. No, you- You got it covered. But I'm just stuck on the sidelines, pretending to understand the rules, and... You know, my dad was a rough-and-tumble guy, and I just-- I could never relate to him. And I don't know. I just don't think I could handle disappointing two generations.
Cameron: I think you're more masculine than you give yourself credit for.
Mitchell: [gasps] Who puts a birdhouse next to a porch?

Quote from Phil

Jay: Phil, help me saddle my horse, will ya?
Phil: Well, look who's suddenly needed by his father-in-law. Phyllis. Phil is.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I've got this new firecracker, and I can't decide what to blow up.
Mitchell: Oh, Luke, that's dangerous.
Luke: I know. That's what's fun about it.
Mitchell: I don't get boys. What is so great about destroying things?
Luke: It turns stuff into flying chunks of stuff.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: What do you mean, she hired you?
Dylan: I work here now.
Haley: S- So you're staying?
Dylan: Yeah.
Haley: What about us?
Dylan: It could never work. We're from two different worlds. You're a high school student, and I'm a ranch hand.

Quote from Phil

Phil: All in all, it was a great vacation. We may have lost a man But out there on the range, under that great big sky, we found a part of ourselves we never knew was there, just like the horny cowboy said we would.


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