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‘Snip’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: Snip

403. Snip

Aired October 10, 2012

Following Jay and Gloria's surprise pregnancy, Phil and Claire decides it's time for him to have a vasectomy to keep their five-year plan on track. Meanwhile, Jay frets over the sex of the baby while Gloria is reluctant to accept she needs maternity clothes, and Mitchell tries to help Cameron find something to occupy his time now Lily's in kindergarten.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [on the phone] Claire, where are you?
Claire: Oh, honey, I just had a hellish experience at the post office. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Phil: Nailed it.

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Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, you don't seem so happy. You usually love when I pull you out of school to play hockey.
Manny: "A," it's "hooky," and "B," don't ever take me out of school to play hockey.
Gloria: Did something bad happen at school?
Manny: They fired the music teacher.
Gloria: Mr. Hideo Namagachi?
Manny: That you say perfectly.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Is there anything else you need for your procedure?
Phil: Um, I think I'm supposed to have ice cream.
Claire: Hmm. Actually, I don't-
Phil: I'm sorry. Is it a vasecto-you, or a vasectomy?

Quote from Jay

Doctor: That's a healthy baby.
Jay: Hold on.
Gloria: What?
Jay: Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in "Jaws"?
Gloria: I never saw it.
Doctor: I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.
Jay: Ah, forget it.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Stupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes!
Jay: Might be time for maternity wear.
Gloria: Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.
Jay: Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before you were pregnant.
Gloria: And I never heard you complain.
Jay: We're gonna need a bigger belt.

Quote from Claire

Haley: [on the phone] You didn't send the little green jacket?!
Claire: Honey, I am not doing this again. It took me an hour to mail that package before. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Haley: Stop smiling. It's not that clever.
Claire: It is clever, and there's no way I'm going back there today.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, don't worry. He'll find another job.
Manny: What about me? I've been buttering up Mr. Namagachi for years. He was gonna give me the lead in the school musical, "Oliver!"
Gloria: Is it not all over.
Manny: "Oliver!"
Gloria: Manny, you are a very talented boy. You're gonna find plenty of music teachers to put butter on.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, I'm not going anywhere! And I should be able to talk to you about these things.
Cameron: Oh, what things? How empty my life is? You know, you have no idea what I do around this house every day. I shop for food, I pay the bills, I maintain the house, I grocery shop.
Mitchell: Same as shopping for food.
Cameron: And still I have enough time to work on my master project. And you never ask me what my master project is.
Mitchell: Because you told me not to ask!
Cameron: Fine, since you won't let it go. Does this look like the work of an unfulfilled slacker?
Mitchell: A mermaid costume?
Cameron: Hand-sewn from my own design. Have you ever stitched lycra? It's like sewing water, Mitchell.
Mitchell: It looks a little small for Lily.
Cameron: It's not for Lily. It's for the cat. It's a mermaid costume for the cat. [sobbing] My master project is a mermaid costume for a cat!

Quote from Phil

Jay: Phil, what's scaring you here? That people are gonna think less of you as a man?
Phil: No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.
Jay: That's what this is about?
Phil: Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me.
Jay: Look, no one's gonna think less of you. And it hardly even hurts.
Phil: I'm unusually sensitive down there. I can't go in certain jacuzzis.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know what? We had a nice little moment here. We don't have many of those. I think I'm gonna commemorate it.
Phil: Okay.
Jay: All right? So sit up straight. There you go. No, no, the arms down. Uh, better arms down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. There you go. Perfect.
[Jay takes a picture of Phil sitting on a bench featuring an ad for his real estate company. Phil's body obscures the text so it reads "Not A Real Man" next to Phil]
Phil: Can I get a copy?
Jay: Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.

Quote from Mitchell

Jeoux: Longe, I'm getting a protein shake.
Longinus: Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux.
Mitchell: Hi. Oh, just "Joe"?
Jeoux: Yes, Jeoux. J-e-o-u-x.
Mitchell: There it is.

Quote from Luke

Alex: What's with all the yogurt?
Luke: Shh! Durkas has been breaking into my locker. But I've got a little revenge planned.
Alex: Sorry. I just remembered I don't really care.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [over voice chat] Where's mom? Oh, my God, what is that outfit? Are you going goth? You still sleep with a stuffed panda.
Alex: Don't you have a fraternity to pass out in?

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Today-
Phil: Snip-a-dee-doo-dah! We-we've been talking about doing this for a while.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah, ever since Dad and Gloria had their little accident, we don't need any surprises.
Phil: Also, though, it will allow for a little more freestylin' in the boudoir if we're not having to worry about adding more critters.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] More importantly, it is an essential part of our 5-year plan.
Phil: Oh, the 5-year plan. Talk about the- The Rosses.
Claire: The Rosses. Okay, the Rosses are this couple we have known forever, and they were never able to have kids, so we always felt a little-
Phil: Jealous of them.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel.
Claire: They're always tan. Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me?
Phil: I would have said eight years younger. There's just this spark in her that- Well, look who I'm talking to. You used to have it.
Claire: Wow. It's like you don't hear-
Phil: The point is, as long as we don't have another baby, that life is ours in five years when Luke goes off to college.
Claire: Or somewhere.

Quote from Haley

Claire: [to Alex] What is this? Uh, is this because of your new friend Skylar?
Haley: [over video chat] Oh, she's just trying to change her image. Nice work, by the way. You went from dork to Count Dorkula.

Quote from Haley

Claire: [to Alex] Hang on. I don't like this Skylar. You don't need to change who you are to fit in with the cool kids.
Haley: [over video chat] Oh, of course she does. She just is so uncool, she doesn't know who the cool kids are.
Alex: Don't you have a class to fail?
Haley: Don't you have a raven to train?

Quote from Alex

Claire: And I will deal with it tomorrow, but today I'm taking your father to the doctor.
Luke: He's having an ass-ectomy.
Phil: What?
Luke: I hear things.
Haley: You're getting your tonsils out?
Alex: Ohh! This family needs a dumbass-ectomy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, that cat is really losing its hair. Maybe we should slip it one of your Propecia, huh?
Cameron: What Propecia?
Mitchell: Your Pro- Is that not something that we're...?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Since Lily started kindergarten, Cam's had a lot of free time. Now, I-I'd like to suggest he go back to work, but... Historically, uh, that has proved to be a sensitive topic.

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