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Season 4, Episode 3 - Aired October 10, 2012

Following Jay and Gloria's surprise pregnancy, Phil and Claire decides it's time for him to have a vasectomy to keep their five-year plan on track. Meanwhile, Jay frets over the sex of the baby while Gloria is reluctant to accept she needs maternity clothes, and Mitchell tries to help Cameron find something to occupy his time now Lily's in kindergarten.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [on the phone] Claire, where are you?
Claire: Oh, honey, I just had a hellish experience at the post office. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Phil: Nailed it.


Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, you don't seem so happy. You usually love when I pull you out of school to play hockey.
Manny: "A," it's "hooky," and "B," don't ever take me out of school to play hockey.
Gloria: Did something bad happen at school?
Manny: They fired the music teacher.
Gloria: Mr. Hideo Namagachi?
Manny: That you say perfectly.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Is there anything else you need for your procedure?
Phil: Um, I think I'm supposed to have ice cream.
Claire: Hmm. Actually, I don't-
Phil: I'm sorry. Is it a vasecto-you, or a vasectomy?

Quote from Jay

Doctor: That's a healthy baby.
Jay: Hold on.
Gloria: What?
Jay: Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in "Jaws"?
Gloria: I never saw it.
Doctor: I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.
Jay: Ah, forget it.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Stupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes!
Jay: Might be time for maternity wear.
Gloria: Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.
Jay: Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before you were pregnant.
Gloria: And I never heard you complain.
Jay: We're gonna need a bigger belt.

Quote from Claire

Haley: [on the phone] You didn't send the little green jacket?!
Claire: Honey, I am not doing this again. It took me an hour to mail that package before. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Haley: Stop smiling. It's not that clever.
Claire: It is clever, and there's no way I'm going back there today.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, don't worry. He'll find another job.
Manny: What about me? I've been buttering up Mr. Namagachi for years. He was gonna give me the lead in the school musical, "Oliver!"
Gloria: Is it not all over.
Manny: "Oliver!"
Gloria: Manny, you are a very talented boy. You're gonna find plenty of music teachers to put butter on.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, I'm not going anywhere! And I should be able to talk to you about these things.
Cameron: Oh, what things? How empty my life is? You know, you have no idea what I do around this house every day. I shop for food, I pay the bills, I maintain the house, I grocery shop.
Mitchell: Same as shopping for food.
Cameron: And still I have enough time to work on my master project. And you never ask me what my master project is.
Mitchell: Because you told me not to ask!
Cameron: Fine, since you won't let it go. Does this look like the work of an unfulfilled slacker?
Mitchell: A mermaid costume?
Cameron: Hand-sewn from my own design. Have you ever stitched lycra? It's like sewing water, Mitchell.
Mitchell: It looks a little small for Lily.
Cameron: It's not for Lily. It's for the cat. It's a mermaid costume for the cat. [sobbing] My master project is a mermaid costume for a cat!

Quote from Phil

Jay: Phil, what's scaring you here? That people are gonna think less of you as a man?
Phil: No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.
Jay: That's what this is about?
Phil: Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me.
Jay: Look, no one's gonna think less of you. And it hardly even hurts.
Phil: I'm unusually sensitive down there. I can't go in certain jacuzzis.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know what? We had a nice little moment here. We don't have many of those. I think I'm gonna commemorate it.
Phil: Okay.
Jay: All right? So sit up straight. There you go. No, no, the arms down. Uh, better arms down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. There you go. Perfect.
[Jay takes a picture of Phil sitting on a bench featuring an ad for his real estate company. Phil's body obscures the text so it reads "Not A Real Man" next to Phil]
Phil: Can I get a copy?
Jay: Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.

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