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39Quotes from ‘Snip’

Modern Family: Snip

403. Snip

Aired October 10, 2012

Following Jay and Gloria's surprise pregnancy, Phil and Claire decides it's time for him to have a vasectomy to keep their five-year plan on track. Meanwhile, Jay frets over the sex of the baby while Gloria is reluctant to accept she needs maternity clothes, and Mitchell tries to help Cameron find something to occupy his time now Lily's in kindergarten.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [on the phone] Claire, where are you?
Claire: Oh, honey, I just had a hellish experience at the post office. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Phil: Nailed it.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, you don't seem so happy. You usually love when I pull you out of school to play hockey.
Manny: "A," it's "hooky," and "B," don't ever take me out of school to play hockey.
Gloria: Did something bad happen at school?
Manny: They fired the music teacher.
Gloria: Mr. Hideo Namagachi?
Manny: That you say perfectly.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Is there anything else you need for your procedure?
Phil: Um, I think I'm supposed to have ice cream.
Claire: Hmm. Actually, I don't-
Phil: I'm sorry. Is it a vasecto-you, or a vasectomy?

Quote from Jay

Doctor: That's a healthy baby.
Jay: Hold on.
Gloria: What?
Jay: Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in "Jaws"?
Gloria: I never saw it.
Doctor: I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.
Jay: Ah, forget it.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Stupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes!
Jay: Might be time for maternity wear.
Gloria: Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.
Jay: Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before you were pregnant.
Gloria: And I never heard you complain.
Jay: We're gonna need a bigger belt.

Quote from Claire

Haley: [on the phone] You didn't send the little green jacket?!
Claire: Honey, I am not doing this again. It took me an hour to mail that package before. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Haley: Stop smiling. It's not that clever.
Claire: It is clever, and there's no way I'm going back there today.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, don't worry. He'll find another job.
Manny: What about me? I've been buttering up Mr. Namagachi for years. He was gonna give me the lead in the school musical, "Oliver!"
Gloria: Is it not all over.
Manny: "Oliver!"
Gloria: Manny, you are a very talented boy. You're gonna find plenty of music teachers to put butter on.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, I'm not going anywhere! And I should be able to talk to you about these things.
Cameron: Oh, what things? How empty my life is? You know, you have no idea what I do around this house every day. I shop for food, I pay the bills, I maintain the house, I grocery shop.
Mitchell: Same as shopping for food.
Cameron: And still I have enough time to work on my master project. And you never ask me what my master project is.
Mitchell: Because you told me not to ask!
Cameron: Fine, since you won't let it go. Does this look like the work of an unfulfilled slacker?
Mitchell: A mermaid costume?
Cameron: Hand-sewn from my own design. Have you ever stitched lycra? It's like sewing water, Mitchell.
Mitchell: It looks a little small for Lily.
Cameron: It's not for Lily. It's for the cat. It's a mermaid costume for the cat. [sobbing] My master project is a mermaid costume for a cat!

Quote from Phil

Jay: Phil, what's scaring you here? That people are gonna think less of you as a man?
Phil: No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.
Jay: That's what this is about?
Phil: Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me.
Jay: Look, no one's gonna think less of you. And it hardly even hurts.
Phil: I'm unusually sensitive down there. I can't go in certain jacuzzis.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know what? We had a nice little moment here. We don't have many of those. I think I'm gonna commemorate it.
Phil: Okay.
Jay: All right? So sit up straight. There you go. No, no, the arms down. Uh, better arms down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. There you go. Perfect.
[Jay takes a picture of Phil sitting on a bench featuring an ad for his real estate company. Phil's body obscures the text so it reads "Not A Real Man" next to Phil]
Phil: Can I get a copy?
Jay: Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.

Quote from Luke

Alex: What's with all the yogurt?
Luke: Shh! Durkas has been breaking into my locker. But I've got a little revenge planned.
Alex: Sorry. I just remembered I don't really care.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [over voice chat] Where's mom? Oh, my God, what is that outfit? Are you going goth? You still sleep with a stuffed panda.
Alex: Don't you have a fraternity to pass out in?

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Today-
Phil: Snip-a-dee-doo-dah! We-we've been talking about doing this for a while.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah, ever since Dad and Gloria had their little accident, we don't need any surprises.
Phil: Also, though, it will allow for a little more freestylin' in the boudoir if we're not having to worry about adding more critters.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] More importantly, it is an essential part of our 5-year plan.
Phil: Oh, the 5-year plan. Talk about the- The Rosses.
Claire: The Rosses. Okay, the Rosses are this couple we have known forever, and they were never able to have kids, so we always felt a little-
Phil: Jealous of them.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel.
Claire: They're always tan. Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me?
Phil: I would have said eight years younger. There's just this spark in her that- Well, look who I'm talking to. You used to have it.
Claire: Wow. It's like you don't hear-
Phil: The point is, as long as we don't have another baby, that life is ours in five years when Luke goes off to college.
Claire: Or somewhere.

Quote from Haley

Claire: [to Alex] What is this? Uh, is this because of your new friend Skylar?
Haley: [over video chat] Oh, she's just trying to change her image. Nice work, by the way. You went from dork to Count Dorkula.

Quote from Haley

Claire: [to Alex] Hang on. I don't like this Skylar. You don't need to change who you are to fit in with the cool kids.
Haley: [over video chat] Oh, of course she does. She just is so uncool, she doesn't know who the cool kids are.
Alex: Don't you have a class to fail?
Haley: Don't you have a raven to train?

Quote from Alex

Claire: And I will deal with it tomorrow, but today I'm taking your father to the doctor.
Luke: He's having an ass-ectomy.
Phil: What?
Luke: I hear things.
Haley: You're getting your tonsils out?
Alex: Ohh! This family needs a dumbass-ectomy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, that cat is really losing its hair. Maybe we should slip it one of your Propecia, huh?
Cameron: What Propecia?
Mitchell: Your Pro- Is that not something that we're...?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Since Lily started kindergarten, Cam's had a lot of free time. Now, I-I'd like to suggest he go back to work, but... Historically, uh, that has proved to be a sensitive topic.

Quote from Cameron

[flashback:]
Cameron: [on the phone] We sent those adoption papers to Vietnam last summer. No, thank you very much, and please remember my tone, not my words. [hangs up] She said it could take up to nine months to get a baby. It's inhuman!
Mitchell: Is it?

Quote from Cameron

[flashback:]
Mitchell: I know it's frustrating, but maybe instead of driving yourself crazy waiting for the phone to ring, you could go back to work.
Cameron: Excuse me?
Mitchell: [jokingly] Get a job! No, it- It'll help you take your mind off the baby.
Cameron: Oh, what, because I'm a big, giant freeloader?
Mitchell: Actually, I think I laid out the reasons pretty clearly.
Cameron: No, I think you pegged me. Bone lazy, just like on the farm: first to bed, last to wake up in the morning. You know what? Why don't you call my dad, and you two can gab all night about what a teet-sucking layabout I am?
Mitchell: Okay, I think I might have paddled into some deeper waters here.
Cameron: What, you think I sit around all day? Well, I'm not sitting now.
Mitchell: What's happening? You keep a packed suitcase?

Quote from Jay

Doctor: So, would you like to know if you're having a boy or a girl?
Jay: Yes.
Gloria: No. Ay. I want it to be a surprise, don't you, Jay?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I'm having a baby at 65. You want another surprise, Gloria? Buy yourself a box of Cracker Jacks.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Let's go! Chop, chop!
Phil: Seriously? "Chop, chop"?
Jay: Oh, right. [chuckles]

Quote from Longinus

Longinus: So? What do you think?
Cameron: Finally, a store that sells shirts men actually wanna wear.
Longinus: Thank you. Look, holla if you need me. We're a little shorthanded today.
Mitchell: What happened to J'Marcus?
Longinus: Don't ask. She's a j'mess.

Quote from Mitchell

Jeoux: Longe, I'm getting a protein shake.
Longinus: Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux.
Mitchell: Hi. Oh, just "Joe"?
Jeoux: Yes, Jeoux. J-e-o-u-x.
Mitchell: There it is.

Quote from Cameron

Jeoux: Oh, is this the Mitchell you're helping out because he wants his boyfriend to get a job? [Longinus and Mitchell signal for Jeoux to stop] I don't know what you're doing. Should I wave? Did your boyfriend take the job?
Mitchell: Oh, my God! That looks so good on you, Cam!
Cameron: Don't even. It is everything I can do to not create a scene right now. You will pay for this.
[Alarm blares as Cameron storms out of the store wearing a new shirt]
Cameron: And this. [grabs a scarf] And this.

Quote from Jay

Receptionist: Is there a Phil Dunphy here?
Jay: I'm his father-in-law. He's gonna need a moment. Is there anything I could fill out for him?
Receptionist: Not unless you want the vasectomy.
Jay: Where were you six months ago?
Receptionist: Barbados. Now I really need to speak with the patient.
Jay: Got it. Phil, get over here. Phil?
Man: [in agony] He just ran ou-
Jay: You know what could do wonders for your business here? A recovery room.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Mom, what are you doing here?
Claire: I am changing my shirt. Why aren't you at school?
Skylar: Mrs. Dunphy, we just-
Claire: Oh, no, you don't get to talk, Morticia.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Okay, we cut last period. Big deal, because we're shaving the backs of our necks, which is totally a style.
But of course now you're going to freak out, like you always do about every little thing.
Claire: Let's do it.
Alex: What?
Claire: Yeah. Yeah. Let's shave up some heads. Come on. Who's first?
Alex: Uh, okay. Okay, mom, we- We don't need you to do that.
Claire: Are you afraid?
Alex: I'm not afraid!
Claire: Then let's do this. It's shaving time. Shavy gravy. Shaved by the bell.
Alex: Why are you talking like dad?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Would you stop running away?
Cameron: Nope.
Mitchell: C-Cam! Come on! You know, I can barely catch up with you now that you lost all that weight.
Cameron: You know what? I am sleeping better, and I do have more energy... Oh, you know what? You're good.
You're very good.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam! You know I don't think you're lazy.
Cameron: I know. That's just stupid dad stuff. You know, I didn't like working on the farm, and he just took it as me being lazy. The truth is, is I am unfulfilled. And I do need to find something.
Mitchell: Well, you just- You seem happier when you have a challenge. You know?
Cameron: I know, I know. You know, I loved teaching music to kids, and then- Then Lily, she came along, and that's the best job in the whole wide world. You know? And now she doesn't need me as much.
Mitchell: No, come on, come on. We're gonna find you something else, all right? Yeah. And it doesn't have to be Longinus. Or this.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [running] Oh. Hey, Jay! How you doing?
Jay: Phil, you gotta stop running from things because-
Phil: Running? I'm not running. You're running.
Jay: Look, I'm not up for another round with this. Just get in the damn car! I'm not having a great day!
Phil: You're not having a great day?! Are you about to get spayed like a common schnauzer?!
Jay: They don't spay you, they fix you. You're a man!
Phil: I just want to stay one!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look. You remember before, when I told you I was wanting to know the- the sex of the baby, for practical matters? Well, that wasn't true. I'm kind of afraid of having a girl.
Phil: Give me a break. That's not a thing. You'd just rather have a boy. Everyone would rather have a boy.
Jay: No. I'm actually scared. I get boys. It's girls- They're- They're complicated. Half of Claire's childhood, I did everything I could to try to turn her into a boy.
Phil: Well, whatever your issues were, you and Claire are good now.
Jay: Yeah, but I may not get that kind of time with this new one, and I can't screw it up. I don't think I'm sensitive enough to raise a girl.
Phil: Jay, you're being sensitive right now. I mean, I was pretty hysterical, and you calmed me down. I-I don't think you're the guy you used to be.
Jay: So you're saying that if I can deal with you, then I can handle any other little girl?
Phil: I think I'd put it a-a little differently.

Quote from Manny

Manny: You were kind of hard on that cinnamon bun guy.
Gloria: Did you hear what he said to me?
Manny: "Congratulations"?
Gloria: He thinks I'm pregnant! That is an insult when the person doesn't look it.
Manny: Mom, wait. You need to hear this. You are pregnant, and you look it.
Gloria: [gasps] I hope that this new one has some good manners!
Manny: Mom, stop! I know this whole thing is a little scary for you. Last time you were pregnant, you kinda did it alone 'cause Dad wasn't around much. But this time you have two partners.
Gloria: That's sweet. And so are you. Especially with a little bit of sugar in your face.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ohh! What happened?!
Manny: Your shirt couldn't take it anymore!
Gloria: The stupid dry cleaners! W- Where is it?! Ay, no! Oh!
Manny: You're running out of arms, mom! A maternity store's right over there! What was that?
Gloria: I don't know, but let's go!

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's you. I thought it was the guy coming to shave me.
Claire: Oh, good. They haven't started.
Phil: He had a little piece of bloody toilet paper on his neck. It was disconcerting.

Quote from Claire

Chrissy: And this tortoise was 200 years old. I'm sorry. I'm boring you with my trip.
Claire: No, not at all. You hot-air-ballooned over an active volcano. Three weeks ago I made every green light on Jefferson. Couldn't stop talking about it.
Chrissy: You e-mailed me.
Claire: Oh, God.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [over video chat] Mom shaved Skylar's head? That's hilarious!
Alex: It's not gonna be so fun the next time she bothers to show up for school.
Haley: What do you care? You know you don't even like her.
Alex: I don't. Skylar's awful. Mom actually did me a huge favor.
Haley: Oh, my God. Do not tell her that. She will never shut up.
Alex: I know. Remember when you admitted that you didn't hate that James Taylor concert she dragged you to?
Haley: She was unbearable!
Both: "I told you! He's got the voice of an angel!"
Haley: She's such a nerd. I kind of miss her, though.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still gotta walk through. So you can either go kicking and screaming. Or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.


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